Month: February 2005

Second Try…

Well, that royally sucks. I just did a long blog entry, was ready to post it, and MSN crashed. I lost the whole thing. Sometimes I truly hate MSN, even though I have been a member of the service for over four years now. Teach me to write my entries in the new email window, not ever again. I am going to try using One Note. I would use Word, but it tends to do funky things to the formatting.

 

I had some truly good thoughts written out too. Maybe I can recap. I do not know how good it will be the second time around. I am not blessed with a photographic memory like some more fortunate people I have come to know on Spaces. You will however miss out on the link I had started with because I am afraid to open MSN until I need it.

 

I went to bed at 12:30AM and awoke to Mom calling me at 7:04AM. The screeching alarm clock failed to wake me again. If I can afford it the next time we go shopping I am buying a new alarm clock. It is too bad you can not check the annoyance factor in store. I need a really annoying alarm. I was thinking maybe I could get an alarm with a CD player and buy Cat Scratch Fever to play in it really loud. That should wake me, heck it should wake the dead. I have memories of my first ex playing that song at extreme volume and how it always set my teeth on edge. Those first notes are totally effective at getting my attention.

 

I went to my orthodontist today to have my retainers checked. I was in braces while Alex was, although mine came out a little earlier. The retainers are doing fine and the doctor noticed that I have lost some weight. He said I looked great, which was really nice. People are beginning to notice and that makes me feel good. I struggle with my weight a lot because of the medications I must take. Any noticeable progress is significant.

 

I cooked pork chops, baby carrots, and rice this evening. I came back in front of the computer to eat and my food got cold before I finished it.

 

I think I am totally addicted to the internet. When I am away from the computer I miss it and I want to rush back to it. I could have a worse compulsion, but this one needs monitoring. I really never thought I would come to like blogging so much. I started this blog on January 17 and have made at least one entry every day since. That was my original intention to write daily. I do not have as many visitors as most of the other Spaces I visit. The counter finally turned over 1000 hits today, which is a blip compared to my favorite blogs, but I felt really good about it. That means some people are actually reading what I have to say. If I don’t make my evening post before late I feel my day is lacking. Tonight I am going to be pressed to get it done.

 

I have more to say, but must post this before midnight so it goes on the right day.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

Have you seen this? Take a look…

This is the most ludicrous thing I have seen posted on the net, ever… I am appalled: I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don’t Support Our Troops. I wish they had a link to comment. I believe men and women matter much more than policy. Maybe it is a joke… sick one if so.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

A Strong Warning

I just want to warn you that MSN customers are being sent fraudulent emails again. I received the one shown below this morning. Please warn unsuspecting persons never to reply to such email or click on the links contained in them. All real MSN messages come with the Butterfly showing before the subject line. If you receive such an email you should forward it with all header information to abuse@msn.com. Keep the original email in case the header information does not show up properly and you have to do some technical stuff to display it. It is a good policy to also report such email to the government as well since it is illegal to try to falsely steal personal information. This link has good contact information and a link explaining how to display full header information so that authorities can actually track such offenders: http://safety.msn.com/articles/phishreport.armx.
 
Be Safe,
Jo Ann

Spoke too soon…

Well, he did not call. I guess he reconsidered. Maybe he is just busy, but it is okay anyway. I tend to overanalyze things and think too much. I am not going to worry over it… occupies too much brain power that can be used elsewhere.
 
I have been reading more in The Mind Map Book. I find it fascinating. I have been using this technique in very primitive form for years and wanted to learn more about it. The brain science part of the book is quite informative though some of the stuff seems really familiar. I read so much that sometimes I do not recall where I came upon information. My recall is not perfect. I wish it were, but am not so blessed. I am very fortunate I still have a functional brain, even if some of it gets a little strange sometimes.
 
I did not cook tonight. Still recovering from yesterday. Haven’t the energy to cook.
 
This whole trauma thing may take some time for me to get over. I am still typing poorly because my mind does not seem to have its normal control over my hands. I am still very nervous and my thinking is not so clear as usual. I am coping though. I have been through worse, much worse…
 
I probably should go. I have to take my meds and get ready for bed.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

A Potentially Wonderful Occurrence

Something potentially great has happened for me over the last week. A guy saw my profile on MSN which has been up there forever and no one has ever contacted me. He wrote on Thursday and wanted to chat with me. I checked out his profile and he says he is a Christian man and looking for a relationship like I am hoping for, and he is pretty handsome as well. So I write back that I would like to chat with him too. I had about given up on his contacting me thinking he may have changed his mind because my links may have led him to this blog. Paranoia, as I have said I experience it was setting up housekeeping in my head. Anyway, he instant messaged me last night. We chatted for a long time and he appears to be a very decent person. I told him a little of my history and he did not disappear because of it or my incessant typos due to my frayed nerves. He is supposed to call me this evening, because typing is an arduous ordeal for both of us, especially me, I type only about 30 words a minute on my best day, and yesterday was not it.
 
I am a little shy of relationships that are begotten on the internet. I subscribed to eHarmony for six months and gave up on it because the matches were not of the quality for which I was searching. My date experiences from eHarmony were pretty bad. This is so out of the blue and while I was not even looking, that I am inclined to check it out. I have been praying so long for someone special in my life… maybe this could be something good.
 
I do not want to get my expectations too high, but no-one I have ever met has said so many of the right things in an initial conversation. I will keep you posted and I know how to handle things to stay safe. Meet in a public place, and all that, after we have conversed on the phone enough that I feel okay about meeting. I am not easy prey for a predator and I am aware there are weirdoes out there. My instinct is that this guy is a good one, but I will be very careful.
 
Synchronicity seems at play here as I had finally made a commitment to myself to let all the men in my past go for good and move on with my life only recently. Too I had come to the place where I felt that I could be comfortable as a single person, however long that state might last. Now someone has contacted me so coincidentally… seems maybe fortuitous. I am intrigued.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

Checking In…

I went to bed around 1:30AM and woke up at 10:00AM. I had some of the strangest dreams of which some of them were very violent. I think yesterday got to me on really deep levels. I am still recuperating, probably will be for several days.
 
My arm and hand are very sore. The tension has built up in my neck and shoulders so that I wish I had a masseuse. Yet, I am very grateful that Alex and I are apparently going to be able to remain here with mother.
 
When Alex left and went to my brother’s yesterday he was so upset that he did not think to knock on the door and just walked into my brother’s house. My brother began to rake him over the coals. I think this was partly because the witch had called up there before my son reached my brother’s. Anyway, he said that Alex was well on his way to being just like me. Useless and lazy and a liability to others. This and his general rudeness caused Alex to feel betrayed because he had gone to my brother for help. That is why he came home and did not want to talk for some time. It was not because he was upset with me. Alex has begged my brother to be more considerate to him and he refuses to give my son any respect.
 
I have a very dysfunctional family and I am always the one who catches the blame for all the problems. I know I have problems, but they are a big part of mine, and I am not the cause of all of theirs. Everyone has issues in life, we can deal with them or cause hurt to others because of them. I try to deal with mine best I know how. That is why I continue in therapy. Most of my family thinks I am just taking advantage of other people and that my counselors and psychiatrists are fooled by me. This makes it hard to understand that others are genuinely trying to help me. It also stigmatizes the care I receive. I wish I did not need help, but sincerely believe that I do.
 
Mom says that she is not mad at me over what happened yesterday, but that she just did not know what to do when I begged her to make the witch leave. She felt caught in the middle, which I can relate to very well. Mom’s situation is that if my brother dies, which he may because he has lung cancer, that she will have to deal with my nephew and by extension his mother the witch, because they will be in charge of my brother’s estate which includes the care of my mother insofar as she can see it. My brother is the person on her accounts and the property is in his name though Mom and Dad bought it and suchlike. The rest of the family thinks I might take advantage of mother had I any control which is ludicrous, but they believe me to be the scum of the earth because I am on disability and do not have a "Real" job. What I do for Mom on a daily basis is totally discounted by them, but if I fail to do something I catch hell.
 
The dynamics of all of this are so convoluted that it is very confusing to live in these conditions and very stressful. There are contributing factors to all this that I have not discussed here yet… I will get to it eventually. I sort of hate to write it all out because so much of it is dark and negative. That was not my intention for this blog. Although I believe my story deserves telling, I am not totally sure this is the correct medium in which to do it. Part of my intention for doing this was to motivate me to write everyday… because I have not been very consistent in that endeavor for quite a while. My counselors have the blog address so they may check in as they have time… but most of what I have found to write about is my life… and it is not always a pretty picture. I am not sure anyone is really interested in all my trials and triumphs, but I hope that there is enough here to provide something to think about… I hope too that my opinions and observations do not offend anyone. I think we can celebrate differences between us and maybe become more understanding of others through communication… Writing out my thoughts and experiences helps me understand myself and brings fresh insight too.
 
Well, that seems to be all for now.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

The War…

I am still here… I really was afraid I might not be able to stay… I’ve been crying for hours and feel completely wiped, but I will be alright. I called my counselor and she talked me down from being such a wreck, and I went for a long walk outside and that helped a lot. My stomach aches, my chest hurts, and I have a headache, but I still have a place to call home.
 
I was personally attacked by my ex-sister-in-law. It will take a bit to explain what happened and I may cry again, but I will try. Firstly she has done this before, but before I have not gotten quite so upset. She attacked me right before the election because I am a democrat. She is obviously a very opinionated republican. If you don’t agree with her views you are one of the party who wants to send our country to hell.
 
I should have known to stay in my room today when she and mother started debating politics, but I did not. My frigging mistake. When she started praising the current administration’s policies I reacted. She said that this administration is working for separation of Church and State and I disagreed. I said that they were trying to cut social programs and make the church take care of the people who need such aid. I feel this is what the faith-based initiative is all about, my opinion and I am in my own home. She said, "Oh, what are you afraid that you’ll stop getting your little check form the government and have to go out and get a real job." I was hurt by her disrespect and my emotions took over. I said, "No, and if I was able I would have a real job." Which is very true, I have a serious psychiatric condition, and though I manage pretty well in normal situations I am not good at handling stress and tend to get overly upset about small things. My family other than my mother, son and one of my nieces tend to be less than understanding of my condition. In fact my oldest brother has even told my son that I am defrauding the government because I am too lazy to work. Which I feel he had no right to say, since I am under psychiatric care and see my counselor weekly to keep me able to cope, especially he should not have said it to my son. But anyway, back to my ex-sister-in-law, she laughed at me, and then said, "Well then who do you think is affected by the cuts?" I said my son, my mom, me and thousands of other people." She said, "Yeah me, that is all you worry about, me me me." At this point I pointed my finger at her and shook it, "You have no right to speak to me that way." She jumped up and grabbed my arm and pushed me, then she tried to break my finger. I began to fight back. My Mom jumped up and tried to separate us. She got scratched in the process as did I. We separated and I called her my ex-sister-in-law a bitch. She called me a little whore… I said, "Well you’re one too." Then I told her to get out of my house. She said, "NO, and you don’t have a right to tell me that. Do you pay rent here?" I said, "Yes, I do, get out of my house." She said, " Well, is your name on the deed?" I said, "No. but it is my home too, so leave." She refused and yelled at me some more about my having no rights.
 
Mom did not make her leave, and I felt betrayed because I had been attacked in my own home. The bickering continued and she was yelling at me to "Shut up." Alex finally came out of his room and got between us. He calmly asked her not to tell me to shut up and my-ex-sister-in-law made a snide remark at him and told him to tell me to shut up then. He said, "I will not tell my mother to shut up and you should not either."
 
Then he left the house and got in my car and swept gravel everywhere leaving to go to my brother’s house. Meanwhile I went back to my room and called my best friend. I asked her if all this abuse should have been heaped on me. She knows my ex-sister-in-law and wondered what the hell was her problem.
 
I then began to cry and called my counselor, but only got to leave a message. The bitch was still in the house laughing and having a good time with Mom. I stayed in my room with the door shut. eventually I had to go to the refrigerator to get a coke. Mom asked me if Alex was back yet. I said no because I did not see the car. Mom told me I better go look for him because he had left my brother’s house. I went outside and saw the car, but not my son. I looked up and spotted him lying in the bed of mother’s truck. He told me that my brother had fussed him out and disrespected him again, and he did not want to talk to me right now. I went to the trampoline and cried some more, because now I felt like Alex disliked me, too.
 
Eventually I went back inside and straight to my room. Mom answered the phone because I was afraid to because it might be my brother. It was my counselor and I told her the whole story through my tears. She offered support and told me every thing was going to be okay, even though I was scared that my brother might come kick me out any moment. We have a session Tuesday. The witch finally left and my counselor talked to my Mom. She kinda wants Mom at my next session, but I am not sure about this… my counselor says I don’t have to decide right now. She says whatever I decide about that is okay.
 
There is more that transpired this evening, but I am still shaking and have made more typos than ever before. So I am going to stop there for now. Will you say a prayer for me, please, because I am not doing so well tonight. 
 
I really am sorry all this happened, partly because it hurt me more than anyone else, and partly because such actions and words are so below me.
 
I better go now. Thanks for reading.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Tense Situation…

This seems like an invasion of privacy to me: Kansas Prosecutor Demands Files on Late-Term Abortion Patients. Next the government will say they have the right to see anyone’s medical records for any reason they so choose.
 
Well something just happened that may mean I have to leave here. If I do I may not be able to blog anymore. I will try to relate what happened later if I have the chance.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

A Link and Running Commentary…

This is an interesting way to use Video Game technology: Virtual world teaches real-world skills. I think this could be very effective for mental disorders that make socializing difficult as well. It is too bad that most people with severe mental disabilities do not often have computer access. Unfortunately such people often lack the resources to own computers. Many with severe mental illness can not even afford the medications they need to live more productive lives. Such medications are very expensive and everyone does not have medical caregivers who are willing to help fill out the necessary paperwork to get aid from the pharmaceutical companies, as I am so fortunate to have. This is a failing in our healthcare system that needs to be eradicated. I know that with proper medication and counseling that people with severe mental illness can live rewarding lives, I am proof of this. Having the ability to explore art, writing and computing helps me stay "sane", too. 
 
What I would really like to do is go to school and get a degree in Art Therapy. I want to help other people with serious mental illnesses and diseases like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, but college is beyond my reach financially. I do think that I may be able to volunteer with some of the people who go to my psychiatrist’s office, but the problem with doing it is that they may not be able to afford the necessary supplies. Art supplies are expensive and I cannot provide them to others.
 
My counselor and I have been discussing what I may be able to do to fulfill my need to feel I contribute to society. I know the art could be particularly beneficial in the groups I mentioned because I have seen improvement in my mother since I helped her learn to paint. She no longer sits in a chair and watches television all day and her fine motor skills are better. She also seems less depressed because she is accomplishing something with her days.
 
Often art and writing are good self-therapy. They help people get in touch with their emotions and sometimes that is one of the hardest things to accomplish with these populations. The thing is if these people had access to such opportunities many of them would progress to happier, healthier lives.
 
Okay, I need to get off the podium now and go back to whatever I should do for the next while. Thanks for visiting.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

Final Installment of The Tale of My Third Ex…

I am back. Vacuumed the house and started a load of whites. Now I guess I have no excuse but to finish the story about my third ex-husband.
 
After I lost my twin baby girls we got along fine for a few months although I was very hurt by all I had been through. There was a lot of stress over money matters because his other ex-wife was not paying the child support she owed for their teen-aged son. All my money, disability income, was being used for the household and we were still running short. One day just before his son’s graduation I decided to write his ex a note. I had been expressly told to leave the situation alone, but I thought maybe expressing my feelings about what she was doing would make a difference. Needless to say she went ballistic and called him to tell him that he could not see his daughter anymore. He got extremely angry and kicked Alex and I out of the house. This was in 2000 and that night I took an overdose and tried to off myself. Alex called 911 and probably saved my life. I had to drink that disgusting charcoal fluid and was admitted to the psych ward. Alex went to stay with my second brother. While I was in the hospital I saw my favorite psychiatrist who was there to see other patients and asked him if he would be my doctor again. I had been under care of the county mental health psychiatrist, but wanted to see my favorite. He agreed and became my doctor again. This was an excellent development.
 
While in the hospital I refused to wear an armband. The staff told me if I did not wear it I could not have my medication. I told them that was fine… I did not want the medication anyway. They decided I could go without the armband and have my medication too. This was a victory of sorts because psych wards are generally very de-humanizing. I also caused some amazement because I wanted to wash my hair and shave everyday as I normally do. The nurses seemed to think this was an inconvenience for them because they had to check out the shampoo and razor to me each day. These are controlled items on a psych ward. You cannot have them for more than a limited amount of time. I am evidently a very unusual patient when I am not actually in a break-down mode. I was just there because of the stupid suicide attempt and had my faculties about me.
 
I eventually was released from the hospital. I went to stay with my brother… this was not good. I do not really get along with my brother too well. Right now he has not spoken to me in over a year because we have a difference of opinion.
 
I went back to my house and found that some of my stuff had been placed on the carport. Just randomly put out so that anyone could get it. I started moving it in my car. My brother and his wife were not exactly pleased about my bringing my stuff to their house. They put bags of my clothes out by the trash can so that if I had not found them that they could have been carried off by the garbage man. In fact some of them may have been. By the weekend I had decided to talk to my mother and she said I could come spend the weekend at her house. I have been here ever since. I got what of my stuff I could from my ex’s and my brother’s and moved it here. My ex kept most of my belongings. I tried to get the police to help me retrieve them but they said it was a domestic matter and would have to be taken care of in the courts. I decided that rather than go through the courts yet again that I would just let him have the majority of what Alex and I owned. I have slowly regained some things, but most things he kept were irreplaceable like Alex’s baby pictures, all my house-wares, the furniture I had accumulated through the years and such like. It still hurts that he pillaged us like that. I hope that every time he looks at my things that it bothers him but it probably does not.
 
I have kept in touch with him through the years. I guess I kinda hoped we would get back together. I don’t really know why I wanted this, because he obviously is not good for me, but I still love him. Anyway, I had convinced Mom that it would be okay for me to see him again and all, though she had grave reservations. A few weeks ago he wrote me an email saying "Good-bye." So I guess it is really irrevocably over now. It is probably for the best, but it is hard nonetheless. I really do need to move beyond all the men in my past, and am trying to do so. It is not easy because once I love someone I do it for always. Maybe one day I will find someone who is "the right one." For now I am just trying to be happy with things as they are… and that is working alright.
 
I often wonder if someone like me can actually have a rewarding relationship with a man. There has to be a lot of acceptance and understanding for someone to want me, because I am not completely "normal". However, I have a lot to offer if someone has the capacity to get involved. Being single is okay though, just lonely sometimes.
 
Well, I finally finished that tale. I think I see a way to open up one of the others from here, but will wait for another time.
 
Happy Saturday to all.
 
Always,
Jo Ann