We had barbequed chicken legs and Mom’s homemade macaroni and cheese for supper. My stomach is not doing so hot because I skipped breakfast and lunch today. I should know better than to leave my stomach empty for so long… it is not a good idea.
I went to Borders today and looked around some. Getting ideas of what books to watch for at the library. Looks like a few interesting ones have come out. I am not reading so much right now. I think the computer has won over my attention. I can get pretty fixated on such things… I have been told I have an easily addicted personality. I believe it somewhat too.
After Alex’s father and I divorced I spent some time getting myself back together. I finally went to work at a convenience store and worked my way up to manager. It did not take too long as I was very dedicated and did my job. I bought my first computer then and that changed my life somewhat. I put all my poetry into the computer and printed it out.
Not long after I became assistant manager this really hot guy walked in and I knew he was "the one." My manager made some inquiries about him and found out he was divorced and making hefty child support payments. She advised me to forget about him… I tried, but he haunted me… (seems he is destined to always do so) and a few months later we began to talk a little when he came in to fuel the armored trucks he worked on. I became manager and took over the store. On Valentine’s Day I wrote him a card, but I chickened out and was not going to give it to him. One of my employee’s found it on my desk and gave the card to him. He later said he had been wanting to take me out, but was afraid I would say no, and he was leaving an abusive woman at the time. Not many days later he asked me out… I was in heaven.
We went to Spaghetti Warehouse and had a wonderful dinner. Then because his finances were in a mess we went to the old K-Mart I used to work at and sat in his jalopy talking for hours. We got busted by the police and they asked for my ID because they thought I was too young to be out so late… this was 1992. We were told to behave and left alone. We wound up necking a little in the car and I just knew he was the guy I had been waiting for…
We had a wonderful few months and he proposed… we were married in July, and I was ecstatic. I think that was the happiest day of my life. The honeymoon was glorious and I learned to like the finer things… like prime rib and decadent seafood. On the first night of our honeymoon we went to our hotel decked out in our wedding clothes and boy did we get the looks… happy admiring ones. Alex stayed with my parents and we had a week to ourselves all financed by me. I was making really good money at the time for someone like me… had A-1 credit and all the perks. Everything went well… and we were very happy. Then I began to have to work eighty and ninety hour weeks… I was totally exhausted and after a few months of it I had a mental breakdown. The day I could not report to work because I was hallucinating so bad that I was acting bizarre, my district manager fired me. This was after I had been an exemplary employee for three years. The SOB got fired the next day… but that did not help me much. Human resources said I could never work there again. During the next weeks my man spoon-fed me because I would not eat otherwise, and he took great care of me. In a few months I began to make the trek back to reality… He never pushed me to go back to work and did everything he could to make life wonderful for me. I recovered and we were very happy. Only he was working too much and we did not get to spend much time together.
Then my nephew got killed in a car crash and my father died of a burst aneurysm within a week. These were two of the dearest people in my world. I was wounded badly. I think I would have been okay if I had not become so desperately physically ill. My guy took me to the doctor to find out why I was losing so much weight and we were shocked when we found out I was pregnant. The doctor set up an appointment for me the next day and sent me home to rest. You should have seen my guy beaming thinking about our baby… Alex and I took him some supper at work that evening and suddenly I felt a really sharp pain and almost screamed in the office. I ran to the restroom and found I was having a miscarriage. I had to have a DNC, and I went to pieces again. Everything bad was happening at once and I could not handle all the stress. Our finances were a mess because we had been supplementing his income with my credit lines and I had three deaths to deal with. On the day I cut all my hair off with the scissors and he found me sitting in the floor with his 45 pointed at my head he decided my falling apart was too much. He left and filed for divorce because he was afraid he would come home and find me dead and his whole world destroyed. This was late 1996 and our divorced went on into 1997. I think it nearly killed both of us… later he told me he was not so much divorcing me, but my family.
My family is another story… I thank God I survived. I had some times where I almost left life behind, but I made it. You never understand the power of hallucinations and delusions until you live with them. These things can cause actions you would never countenance otherwise. Schizophrenia is not a nice disease, but I am glad I made it. I pray I never go into those dark places again.
To jump ahead a little I have not had a breakdown since 1997 and I have been consistently medicated since 2000. I take the atypical anti-psychotic Geodon and the anti-depressant Zoloft and until recently Seroquel… but the Seroquel was making me lethargic all the time so my doctor finally dropped it. Geodon and Zoloft are miracle drugs… I almost feel as good as I do when I am doing well without medication.
Well, I better go, it is late and I must be up early tomorrow.
Take care,
Jo Ann
Chronicles 