I am back. Vacuumed the house and started a load of whites. Now I guess I have no excuse but to finish the story about my third ex-husband.
After I lost my twin baby girls we got along fine for a few months although I was very hurt by all I had been through. There was a lot of stress over money matters because his other ex-wife was not paying the child support she owed for their teen-aged son. All my money, disability income, was being used for the household and we were still running short. One day just before his son’s graduation I decided to write his ex a note. I had been expressly told to leave the situation alone, but I thought maybe expressing my feelings about what she was doing would make a difference. Needless to say she went ballistic and called him to tell him that he could not see his daughter anymore. He got extremely angry and kicked Alex and I out of the house. This was in 2000 and that night I took an overdose and tried to off myself. Alex called 911 and probably saved my life. I had to drink that disgusting charcoal fluid and was admitted to the psych ward. Alex went to stay with my second brother. While I was in the hospital I saw my favorite psychiatrist who was there to see other patients and asked him if he would be my doctor again. I had been under care of the county mental health psychiatrist, but wanted to see my favorite. He agreed and became my doctor again. This was an excellent development.
While in the hospital I refused to wear an armband. The staff told me if I did not wear it I could not have my medication. I told them that was fine… I did not want the medication anyway. They decided I could go without the armband and have my medication too. This was a victory of sorts because psych wards are generally very de-humanizing. I also caused some amazement because I wanted to wash my hair and shave everyday as I normally do. The nurses seemed to think this was an inconvenience for them because they had to check out the shampoo and razor to me each day. These are controlled items on a psych ward. You cannot have them for more than a limited amount of time. I am evidently a very unusual patient when I am not actually in a break-down mode. I was just there because of the stupid suicide attempt and had my faculties about me.
I eventually was released from the hospital. I went to stay with my brother… this was not good. I do not really get along with my brother too well. Right now he has not spoken to me in over a year because we have a difference of opinion.
I went back to my house and found that some of my stuff had been placed on the carport. Just randomly put out so that anyone could get it. I started moving it in my car. My brother and his wife were not exactly pleased about my bringing my stuff to their house. They put bags of my clothes out by the trash can so that if I had not found them that they could have been carried off by the garbage man. In fact some of them may have been. By the weekend I had decided to talk to my mother and she said I could come spend the weekend at her house. I have been here ever since. I got what of my stuff I could from my ex’s and my brother’s and moved it here. My ex kept most of my belongings. I tried to get the police to help me retrieve them but they said it was a domestic matter and would have to be taken care of in the courts. I decided that rather than go through the courts yet again that I would just let him have the majority of what Alex and I owned. I have slowly regained some things, but most things he kept were irreplaceable like Alex’s baby pictures, all my house-wares, the furniture I had accumulated through the years and such like. It still hurts that he pillaged us like that. I hope that every time he looks at my things that it bothers him but it probably does not.
I have kept in touch with him through the years. I guess I kinda hoped we would get back together. I don’t really know why I wanted this, because he obviously is not good for me, but I still love him. Anyway, I had convinced Mom that it would be okay for me to see him again and all, though she had grave reservations. A few weeks ago he wrote me an email saying "Good-bye." So I guess it is really irrevocably over now. It is probably for the best, but it is hard nonetheless. I really do need to move beyond all the men in my past, and am trying to do so. It is not easy because once I love someone I do it for always. Maybe one day I will find someone who is "the right one." For now I am just trying to be happy with things as they are… and that is working alright.
I often wonder if someone like me can actually have a rewarding relationship with a man. There has to be a lot of acceptance and understanding for someone to want me, because I am not completely "normal". However, I have a lot to offer if someone has the capacity to get involved. Being single is okay though, just lonely sometimes.
Well, I finally finished that tale. I think I see a way to open up one of the others from here, but will wait for another time.
Happy Saturday to all.
Always,
Jo Ann
Chronicles 