Some Links and an Old Poem of Mine…

Here is a link that might be interesting… When the Dream Becomes Real. I found this while surfing around today and read through the whole thing. It was very enlightening.
 
I found this link the other day… In the year 2014, The New York Times has gone offline. The video is poetic. So much is happening to media. We may actually see something like this one day. Technology just keeps expanding.
 
Anyway, I went to bed at 3:30AM and woke up at 11:00AM. This has basically been a repeat of yesterday. It is raining so I could not go for the walk I wanted to today.
 
My brother managed to get the drainage on the pond unclogged before the rain came. He rented an air compressor and dispersed the clog.
 
My printer malfunctioned again today. A piece of cardstock came through and knocked one of the parts off. I tried to put it back together, but gave up finally and called Alex to fix it. He and my printer have a thing where Alex can fix it in moments. I am glad he is handy that way.
 
No cooking today. I guess I will lay out something for tomorrow though. If I go too many days without cooking I might abandon the habit again.
 
I would like to present a poem I wrote back in the eighties:
 

Cracks in the Fabric

Someone was speaking of the beauty of life, filling in
emptiness with word – luring, tempting, lyrical.
I listened, ears wide open, catching the infliction
of each vivid misconception,
Ignoration of injustice – social – sweeping down
bedraggled streetwise gray-eyed fire-can-tenders
Searching
among refuse dumped grimy fingers grasping hoping
growling grumbling starvation wracked stomachs
would be appeased with scraps considered too vulgar
for house-dogs,
among pricely dressed well heeled commuters they pass
unseen invisible as the ghosts of long forgotten souls
Less Welcome
Among forest of buildings bewildered going to soup kitchens
for thin gruel brown bread slightly stale
among applicants for employment dismissed unconsidered
on status basis skills unseen limited by conditions
beyond present down on luck control.
People once successful themselves too proud to rely
on  governmental aid wandering aimless
homeless sleeping in the recess provided by
ingress to press doors of The Atlanta Journal – Constitution
shuddering in tatters lined with gray print gleanings
discarded
People patriotic fighters returned from Vietnam to
abuse distrustfulness unrelenting criticism
spit upon shoulders wracked by savagery of war cause
not comprehended
people unable to mainstream conform frail ego scarred
bowed out becoming shadows of past glory
disjointed members unrecognized zeroed out of place
contributors toward future degenerated
into oblivion cast away
struggling weakly dignified whispering prayerfully
tear-stained-gray-cheeked-red-eyed-remembering
life, home, family, friends, occupation,
people, Real People, not imagined by malcontents
or poets or reporters needing some subject
for program or art, Real People
people in New York City where The Fair Lady with Torch
Upheld even does not trouble brook pointing
out needy thirst freedoms want
sidewalk furbishers decorating cracks in the fabric
of American image grim gaunt skeletal
ravaged by weather and ragmuffined
people well acquainted with sorrow suffering death
hunger abuse wanting only wanting chance
living loving being understood
people, some children, expelled from cold houses of
strife (divorce torn) or runaway from uncaring
lashing anger, sexually abused
people begging on street corners in Washington D.C.
for a cigarette, just a cigarette, smoke reminder
of security, happier days
a junkie sharing needles with a prostitute
both victims of criminal neglect
people who tried to be more forced to become
prisoners of dark abandoned alleys
people teachers taught in over-crowded classrooms
without energy capable nor knowledge enlightened
enough to realize
people were learning less than needed producing
illiterate dysfunctional graduates unable to
compete under stress real everyday working
situational hazards, fatal flaw
people retarded – handicapped – unnaturally – by peer
pressure, group ostracism, critical cruelty,
total personal disregard, heartless prejudice
all heaped out unthinkingly
people huddling alone inside cardboard boxes
attempting keeping warm in Philadelphia’s
frigid Winter night wind blown streets
without even blanket one
people found frozen inside condemned houses
walls roofs caving round dead bodies
people tragic souls who severely burn themselves
warming at bonfires never realizing
their torching because the flames can not
abate bone chill
people lamenting nothing, forgotten sadly,
buried alive, only surviving

People once dreamers of fine outstanding fame,
presidents unelected, triathletes never run,
teachers untaught, models never photographed,
writers unpublished, musicians never booked,
these just a sample of the loss
people whose disadvantage is America’s lifeblood
draining into sewers of disuse damaging
the economy worst than trade deficits
people needed creators of ideas, art, innovational
business practices, plain workers, secretaries,
bus drivers, garbage collectors, doctors,
there dressed in tatters lie potential
people who need no pity but crates brimful
of understanding and trust
people with hearts which ache, minds which
wonder if they deserve anything more, ears
which hear harsh words, eyes which see
disdainful stares
People who do not desire empty words, but might
accept kind caring actions.

 
©  Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

I guess I will let you go for tonight. I just re-read that and I think it says more than I could say right now.

Always,
Jo Ann

Quiet Saturday

Went to bed at 3:00AM and woke up when mother called me at 11:00AM. I spent the day online for the most part. I have been reading several blogs and several artistic sites.
 
There were some very good articles on http://www, salon.com which I enjoyed reading.
 
I did not cook tonight.
 
I really have little to say tonight so I will let you go… Tomorrow is after all another day.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

The Continuation…

Went to sleep around 1:30AM and woke up at 7:00AM. Alex was sore all over and feeling lousy probably from his flu shot so he stayed home. I went back to bed and slept until 11:00AM.
 
I logged on the computer and completed five lessons in my online classes. I enjoyed learning something new. Maybe I will understand XP a little better when I finish that course. The other three classes cover material I am already somewhat familiar with but are good anyway.
 
I think I may have messed up an installation I did today. I hope it does not do too much damage.
 
I managed to score over 63,000 points in BeJeweled 2 Deluxe this evening. That was 40,000 better than my next highest score. I am getting a little better at thinking a few moves ahead. I doubt I beat that score for a while.
 
I cooked tonight. We had steak, rice, and sugar snap peas. I think maybe next week I am going to try to introduce some other vegetables. Maybe if I cook it Alex will eat it. I can hope so anyway.
 
Getting back to the story of my reunion with my third husband. We met and went to his house. It was not very long before we wound up in each others arms… and then made love. I went back home to mother’s and found myself locked out of the house. I got in that night… then the next day she forced me to reveal that I had seen him. When she found out she went nuts and called my brother. He came down and told me, "You are lower than dog-shit." I was given the ultimatum to never talk to my ex or see him again or get out of Mom’s house for good. I was very very upset. I went to my counselor for an emergency session and called my ex from there. He said for me to come stay with him. So we wound up back together. Alex was out of town at the time with his father so we had a weekend to plan. We rented a truck and his son and some of his friends helped Alex and I move all our stuff.
 
Within weeks we found out I was pregnant with twins. I went off my medication. Then I started hemorrhaging. I had to go on complete bed-rest and could hardly eat anything at all. We learned that the twin baby girls had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome which is very serious and only affects identical twins. I was in the neo-natal specialist office watching a sonogram when the smaller twin died. I was about five months pregnant at the time and my love came to the office to calm me. The neonatologist advised that we terminate the pregnancy. I was very sick and had been losing strength daily, but I did not want to give up my little girl. We went home and agonized over the decision for a week. In the end we decided to terminate because there was almost no chance of my baby being okay… and my love was afraid he was going to lose me. After we made the decision my OBGYN refused to deliver the babies if we terminated my pregnancy. His office gave me the unpleasant duty of calling an abortion clinic. That was almost more than I could handle. Finally another doctor in that practice, a woman, who was more understanding of what we were going through agreed to deliver my girls. I cried through the procedure where the doctor stopped my baby’s heart. I know that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Later my twins were delivered. I got to see them and saw that I had made the right choice… but I still regret it and feel guilty about it. They would have been so beautiful if things had not gone so wrong. I miss them every day.
 
That is as far as I can go tonight… I have not told that story in a long time and it still hurts. I will let you go for now.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann

Some More Back Story…

Could not fall asleep last night until after 3:00AM. Woke up at 7:00AM and took Alex to the bus. Came back and tried to stay awake, but lost the battle and slept until 11:00AM.
 
Mom went on a trip today with the seniors group at church, so I was alone in the house a while. I did not do anything exciting this time… just worked with the computer. Sometimes when she is gone I crank the stereo up loud and listen to the Rolling Stones. Real rebellious activity, I gotta tell you.
 
I was getting ready to leave the house when Mom returned. I had to go pick Alex up at school and take him to his pediatrician for his flu shot. Usually I run early for all appointments, but today we were five minutes late because I was occupied in my thoughts and took the wrong road. I think I was running on autopilot at the time. That direction went to Mom’s doctor instead of Alex’s.
 
We arrived at the office at 3:35PM and finally left at 5:20PM. It is a good thing I always carry a book to read at appointments or I would have been bored to death.
 
We stopped at Krystal and bought a sack-full of the tasty little burgers. Alex loves Krystals. The whole sack was gone before we reached the house. That kid can eat… I had three burgers out of a sack of twelve.
 
When we came in it was about 6:15PM. I logged in on the computer and read some news. I was very grateful to be free of cooking for the evening. Time escaped me, as it often does.
 
After my serious breakdown in 1997 I was finally awarded disability benefits. I think the fact that I did something so crazy as cutting off all my hair made them realize I was messed up in a big way. I cut off my hair because voices told me if I did that I would immediately go to heaven… no sense to it, but there usually isn’t when I am in bad shape.
 
I lost my Buick Riviera after damaging the transmission. I left it on the road and walked off. I was so messed up that day that a stranger called an ambulance to come get me at a store where I had stopped walking to get a drink of water. I had no ID and could not get them to believe me about anything. Wound up in the hospital and Alex wound up having to go live with his father for three months. The divorce was still in process and I had no real residence because it was only a matter of time before I was evicted from the apartment where my husband had stayed. After the divorce was over I moved in with Mom and went to Mental Health for treatment. I was a basket case for about a year.
 
It was a glad day for me when I was allowed to have a car again. About a year after I began to drive I decided to call my ex and see if we might get back together. We began to talk often in secret. My family was very angry with my ex because he had left me with all the debt we had accumulated which amounted to close to $80,000.00 and because he tried to keep much of what we had acquired. The divorce left me basically indigent. Although I did get much of my stuff back.
 
We talked and talked, then he asked to see me.
 
I think I will leave the story there for tonight. I need to try to get some sleep.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann

Our Trek to Town…

Went to sleep around 1:30AM and got up to take Alex to meet the bus at 7:00AM. Came back to the house and slept until 11:00AM.
 
Mom decided she wanted to go to town so we left here about noon. Stopped at Dollar General, then at K-Mart, then did the grocery thing at Wal-Mart.
 
While we were out we saw one of the church ladies and she and I commiserated over the lack of good government we are experiencing here in the USA. She and I are very similar in beliefs even though we belong to a staunchly Republican church. That is one of the main reasons I am not attending regularly. I think that we are in for more loss of privacy and more loss of essential freedoms if our government continues on the current path. I feel like we already live in a police state as it is… and social reform is losing ground daily. Ah, well better get off my soap box. It was nice to talk to an older lady who is progressive like myself. I have seen and experienced too much of life to be narrow-minded.
 
I purchased a new skirt and three shirts on clearance today. I think it is time I wear jeans a little less. The skirt is way long, as are most such things, being 5’4" does not jive with the fashion industry. I think everyone is supposed to be at least 5’6" to wear clothes. I will just have to wear heels, which is hard for someone who lives in cross-trainers, but it will all be alright.
 
We returned home around 4:30PM so Alex was here to help unload the groceries. He commented, "Why did you buy groceries again so soon?" Well duh, someone around here has been eating all the food up. I did not mean to spend so much today though… next week no groceries. At least, I hope we won’t need any.
 
I cooked barbequed pork chops, twice baked potatoes, and sugar snap peas tonight. Alex did not like the potatoes though he ate his anyway. The reason we have those peas so often is not that I am culinarily challenged, but because they are one of a select few vegetables that Alex will eat. If it is green he probably does not like it and he hates most yellow and orange things too. Picky, picky, picky.
 
Well tonight is not the night to delve into history, so I guess that will wait for another day.
 
Have a pleasant Thursday!
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Where I Traveled…

Was asleep by 12:30AM and got up when the screeching alarm went off at 7:00AM.
 
Logged on to the computer and surfed a little. Played BeJeweled 2 some too. I really love this game.
 
Had to go to the bank for Mom and dropped by her neurologist’s office, but the staff was already gone for the day so I could not pick up her handicapped parking form. Drove at reasonable speed to my appointment with my counselor. We discussed how high my stress levels are getting now that I am more alert and aware. We are going to work on diminishing my reaction to the stress in coming weeks. Saw my psychiatrist’s nurse and she was pleased that I am sleeping at night and awake in the day time. This has been such an ongoing issue for me. The alertness and being awake so many hours is nice. She commented that I seemed so much more energetic, and she is right I am.
 
Stopped by the library on the way home. No good new books on the shelves so I only brought four renewals home. Some days it is like that, no books I am interested in.
 
The weirdest thing happened this evening. This guy instant messaged me out of the blue. I think he is a technical support person who I talked to weeks ago. I am not sure that I like some complete stranger having my information like that. He hedged about it but I really think this guy’s name is the same as one of the techs I talked to who is located in India. I don’t know what to do about it, but I do not think he should be accessing my personal information that way.
 
I cooked steak, broccoli rice au gratin, and peas tonight. I left the rice boiling and I burned it. It was not too bad… but the house smells like burnt rice. First time I goofed up that way in ages.
 
I paid bills tonight… thank God I had enough money to pay the minimums on everything. One day I may not be able, then the creditors will come take me away… being poor sucks. Could be worse though. I could lose my internet connection, then I would be out of touch with the outside.
 
Tomorrow is not scheduled for anything so maybe I get to work on some of my online classes. I would like that, but Mom may decide she wants to go out… we shall see.
 
I will try to finish the story about my third husband soon. I am pretty wiped tonight so I am going to chill out a while.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann

Another Entry on the Past…

We had barbequed chicken legs and Mom’s homemade macaroni and cheese for supper. My stomach is not doing so hot because I skipped breakfast and lunch today. I should know better than to leave my stomach empty for so long… it is not a good idea.
 
I went to Borders today and looked around some. Getting ideas of what books to watch for at the library. Looks like a few interesting ones have come out. I am not reading so much right now. I think the computer has won over my attention. I can get pretty fixated on such things… I have been told I have an easily addicted personality. I believe it somewhat too.
 
After Alex’s father and I divorced I spent some time getting myself back together. I finally went to work at a convenience store and worked my way up to manager. It did not take too long as I was very dedicated and did my job. I bought my first computer then and that changed my life somewhat. I put all my poetry into the computer and printed it out.
 
Not long after I became assistant manager this really hot guy walked in and I knew he was "the one." My manager made some inquiries about him and found out he was divorced and making hefty child support payments. She advised me to forget about him… I tried, but he haunted me… (seems he is destined to always do so) and a few months later we began to talk a little when he came in to fuel the armored trucks he worked on. I became manager and took over the store. On Valentine’s Day I wrote him a card, but I chickened out and was not going to give it to him. One of my employee’s found it on my desk and gave the card to him. He later said he had been wanting to take me out, but was afraid I would say no, and he was leaving an abusive woman at the time. Not many days later he asked me out… I was in heaven.
 
We went to Spaghetti Warehouse and had a wonderful dinner. Then because his finances were in a mess we went to the old K-Mart I used to work at and sat in his jalopy talking for hours. We got busted by the police and they asked for my ID because they thought I was too young to be out so late… this was 1992. We were told to behave and left alone. We wound up necking a little in the car and I just knew he was the guy I had been waiting for…
 
We had a wonderful few months and he proposed… we were married in July, and I was ecstatic. I think that was the happiest day of my life. The honeymoon was glorious and I learned to like the finer things… like prime rib and decadent seafood. On the first night of our honeymoon we went to our hotel decked out in our wedding clothes and boy did we get the looks… happy admiring ones. Alex stayed with my parents and we had a week to ourselves all financed by me. I was making really good money at the time for someone like me… had A-1 credit and all the perks. Everything went well… and we were very happy. Then I began to have to work eighty and ninety hour weeks… I was totally exhausted and after a few months of it I had a mental breakdown. The day I could not report to work because I was hallucinating so bad that I was acting bizarre, my district manager fired me. This was after I had been an exemplary employee for three years. The SOB got fired the next day… but that did not help me much. Human resources said I could never work there again. During the next weeks my man spoon-fed me because I would not eat otherwise, and he took great care of me. In a few months I began to make the trek back to reality… He never pushed me to go back to work and did everything he could to make life wonderful for me. I recovered and we were very happy. Only he was working too much and we did not get to spend much time together.
 
Then my nephew got killed in a car crash and my father died of a burst aneurysm within a week. These were two of the dearest people in my world. I was wounded badly. I think I would have been okay if I had not become so desperately physically ill. My guy took me to the doctor to find out why I was losing so much weight and we were shocked when we found out I was pregnant. The doctor set up an appointment for me the next day and sent me home to rest. You should have seen my guy beaming thinking about our baby… Alex and I took him some supper at work that evening and suddenly I felt a really sharp pain and almost screamed in the office. I ran to the restroom and found I was having a miscarriage. I had to have a DNC, and I went to pieces again. Everything bad was happening at once and I could not handle all the stress. Our finances were a mess because we had been supplementing his income with my credit lines and I had three deaths to deal with. On the day I cut all my hair off with the scissors and he found me sitting in the floor with his 45 pointed at my head he decided my falling apart was too much. He left and filed for divorce because he was afraid he would come home and find me dead and his whole world destroyed. This was late 1996 and our divorced went on into 1997. I think it nearly killed both of us… later he told me he was not so much divorcing me, but my family.
 
My family is another story… I thank God I survived. I had some times where I almost left life behind, but I made it. You never understand the power of hallucinations and delusions until you live with them. These things can cause actions you would never countenance otherwise. Schizophrenia is not a nice disease, but I am glad I made it. I pray I never go into those dark places again.
 
To jump ahead a little I have not had a breakdown since 1997 and I have been consistently medicated since 2000. I take the atypical anti-psychotic Geodon and the anti-depressant Zoloft and until recently Seroquel… but the Seroquel was making me lethargic all the time so my doctor finally dropped it. Geodon and Zoloft are miracle drugs… I almost feel as good as I do when I am doing well without medication.
 
Well, I better go, it is late and I must be up early tomorrow.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann

More about Alex’s Father…

About Alex’s father and I, we had a very acrimonious divorce. For a good while I could not stand him. I have a very forgiving nature and once I love someone it is forever, so eventually the love I felt for him won out. We have seen one another on and off through the years when we were not otherwise involved. We love each other and enjoy ourselves erotically, but he keeps me at a distance from his life on a permanent basis.
 
I think I have finally come to the decision that I deserve better than a when it is convenient for him relationship. I hope to find someone I can depend on through thick and thin daily… Maybe I will keep this commitment to myself this time. I have not been very good at it in the past.
 
Alex’s father has never spent much time with our son because he did not really want a child. I have tried through the years to encourage their relationship, but it has not worked very well. Nowadays Alex is quite indifferent to his father at times and I believe the man may one day come to regret how distant they are from one another.
 
I have to go cook now so I will return…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Another Chapter of the Past…

Went to bed around 2:00AM but had to get up and take the pesky contacts out so I probably was asleep by 2:45AM. My brother called Mom a little before 9:00AM and woke me up. I decided I might as well stay awake.
 
Alex is out of school today for a teacher’s workday. I think it is neat that he has Valentine’s Day off.
 
Happy Valentine’s Day by the way.
 
I wrote a little about my ancient history on the 12th and I thought it might be interesting for you to know more about it. So here goes…
 
After my first divorce I was in and out of the hospital a good bit because of my Schizophrenia. I even spent some time in the state mental institution… that was awful and no matter what happens I will never go back there. One little incident that happened there is worth telling… now I was really out of my head at the time and when I am I take everything very literally. People on the ward had been stealing my clothes, something that commonly goes on there. They kept sleeping in my bed too, and I kept having to change rooms. But anyway, on the ward you had to wash your own clothes. So one day, mind you I was about nineteen at the time, staff tells me to wash up all my clothes. I was very compliant so I put all my clothes in the washer and because people were stealing my clothes I climbed on top of the washer and sat there while it was washing. I guess someone on staff noticed I was missing and came to find me. Imagine their shock when they found me stark naked sitting on top of the washing machine. They asked what I was doing as they dressed me in hospital gowns and I told them, "I am washing all my clothes as I was told." I am sure they decided to be more careful with their instructions after that. Now that incident is a legend in my immediate family and it makes me laugh nowadays. Being mental can sometimes lead to humorous results, but mostly it is just damn inconvenient.
 
I hated my medication at the time because I was on Thorazine and I did not stay on it for long. I functioned pretty normally off of it and managed to go to work. I worked as a cashier at K-Mart for about two years part-time and then worked as head cashier at Piccadilly restaurant for awhile. I met my second husband there… he was my best work friend’s on again off again boyfriend and she and I were sharing an apartment. One night he was staying over and some other friends had taken my bed… sound familiar… anyway I went in their room to sleep on the floor. Sometime during my sleep at the bottom of the bed near his feet he realized I had no cover and covered me up.
 
We did not see each other for a long while. I was involved with someone very special for a time and even lived with him for a time. I quit working at Piccadilly during that time and went to work as a horticultural technician taking care of plants all over metro Atlanta. The guy and I broke up and I left one day while he was at work. I lost my job too, because his mother had helped me get it.
 
My future husband and I saw each other again sometime around then and he asked me out. We went rafting on the Chattahoochee River and had a blast. I think the Bacardi 151 I was drinking may have had a little to do with it, but I was hooked. We started seeing each other regularly and eventually got engaged. He asked me to come live with him in Chattanooga while we were preparing to get married and I went. Turned out the wedding kept being delayed. I even moved to North Carolina for awhile with my job. I came back to stay with him and got another job downtown. Somewhere during this time I became pregnant… he wanted me to get an abortion and I refused. I don’t believe in abortion for me… you can do what you like and I won’t judge you, but abortion is something I cannot deal with. He offered me a two year trial marriage so that the baby would have his name and so I did not have to leave and because I was young and stupid I agreed.
 
That happened in 1987 and Alex was born in 1988. I am so glad I did not abort my baby. He means the world to me. I do not know what would have become of me had I not had Alex. When things get really bad his dependence on me helps me carry on.
 
When Alex was about a year old things started getting bad and by the time he was eighteen months his father had divorced me. I consequently had another full blown breakdown and had to be hospitalized. I went on medication a little while, but hated it and quit taking it after a while. I just do not like being a zombie.
 
Well, that is probably enough for now. I have some stuff I should probably do… catch you again later.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Very Neat Day

I went to bed at about 2:30AM and rose at 10:00AM. I logged onto the computer and downloaded BeJeweled 2 Deluxe. I am quite addicted to this game. I can play for about an hour at a time if I do not have something more pressing to do. That is a long time for any one thing to hold my attention. I tend to jump from one thing to another most times.
 
At about 11:30AM my friend called to say she would definitely meet Mom, Alex, and I at Olive Garden for lunch. She did not finally leave to get there until around 1:00PM so we met her and her family there at 1:30PM. We did not get a table for about an hour and sat out in the cold because the seating inside was all full.
 
They brought Mom and I flowers and candy for Valentine’s Day. There are pictures of the beautiful flowers in the My Art album. I hope I can keep my tulips alive a while. I love tulips. I think I will draw these sometime soon.
 
After we ate we all came back to the house and the kids played Xbox with Alex and jumped on the trampoline. I think they had a ball. They wound up staying until after 7:00PM. We talked and talked.
 
Mom was really feeble yesterday. She had to be guided around the restaurant. She also argued with me that grinning meant frowning, and I know that she did know the correct meaning at one time. She is getting worse… I fear she will have more and more cognitive loss. It is so sad. I wish there were something I could do for her.
 
The day was great fun and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I started playing BeJeweled 2 after our company left and did that until late into the night. I do not usually play computer games too much but I really like this one.
 
I think maybe I will get into some more ancient history tomorrow… but not right now.
 
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day! Remember to tell all those you love you love them, because you never know when that could be the last time.
 
Always,
Jo Ann