My Personal Battle

I have been busy. Today has brought up some things I need to express so bear with me. I went to bed at 2:30AM and woke at 7:00AM. I took Alex to the bus and came back to bed until 9:30AM which means I slept through the alarm for thirty minutes… I keep forgetting to get a new alarm.

 

I left the house at about 10:00AM and drove a more reasonable speed than usual so I only made it a few minutes early to my 11:00AM appointment with my counselor. I had not finished the worksheet so I tried to complete it in the waiting room, but did not finish.

 

I admitted to my counselor that I had read all the assigned pages, but had not completed the worksheet. She was very understanding. I did explain to her that I was resistant to exploring my past feelings because I am a little depressed right now and looking back on what I feel were better times might drive me deeper into that state. We also discussed my habit of procrastination and my perfectionism. These things block me from action at times. I am working on them but discussing them helps clarify why I do this self-defeating behavior.

 

Then I brought up how all that links to my personal demon, my inner critic. I struggle with this hellacious part of myself constantly. This morning I looked in the mirror and was attacked by the thoughts that I am fat, ugly, disgusting, incompetent, poorly dressed and groomed, patently inferior, and basically useless. Plus some more truly scathing adjectives. My counselor said that was a lot of venom to have thrown at oneself when looking in the mirror. She asked how I dealt with it. I replied not nearly as well as I would like, but I told the bitch to shut up. I then told myself that I was okay, and went on to face the day.

 

Since this critical part of myself is so destructive we discussed it at length. I went on to talk about the nagging I get when I try to do anything creative, like write this blog or do something artistic. I have to exert a great deal of energy to create anything, because the self-talk is you can not write, you are not an artist nor writer, no one is interested in your thoughts or vision, you are stupid, you can not do anything right, you think that is a sentence, you can not even think of the right word, that is not a picture a two year old could do better than that. This goes on consistently while I continue to press out words or images. My counselor asked what I do to counter it and I again said I send the critic to the corner and tell her to shut her mouth and I tell myself that I do have something to say, I am a creative person, and I am a writer and an artist. I just need to create. The will to do this consumes a lot of power. Sometimes I feel exhausted when I get done, but I refuse to quit. Maybe one day the demon will be banished or at least I can duct tape its nasty mouth shut and close the door on it. Writing about it makes it seem smaller and less threatening, though of course I am not sure I should post this.

 

I have a poem I wrote about this horrible creature a while ago:

 

The Critic

 

I wrote some words

Upon the empty page;

Looked at them

For what seemed an age.

 

Then my mind

Filled with rancid hate

For what I had written

Was only second rate.

 

How could I be

So deadly blind

To criticize my voice

And be so unkind?

 

Now the gentle words

Have ceased to flow

And this hurtful block

Continues to daily grow.

 

Jo Ann Joyce Anita Jordan

© September 24, 2002

 

I think that sums it up pretty well and explains why my creative block is so entrenched. I am working on it, chipping away at it, but it is hard work.

 

I thank you all for reading and encouraging me to keep up the fight. This Thursday will mark the third month that I have written something here every day. That is an accomplishment for me, because I have not worked creatively that constantly in a long time.

 

I hope you are having a wonderful Monday. If you have one of these infernal critics I encourage you to shut it up and do what you really want to do, whatever that may be.

 

Always,

Jo Ann