Five Rules for Writing the Perfect Title

If you resemble me, titling your work presents grave difficulty at times. You moan and complain then moan some more about the process. Hence, I am writing this essay, which is inappropriate for all audiences. Be warned you read at your own risk.

The first and most fundamental step toward effective titles is wooing your flighty muse with appropriate ardor. This is an extremely enjoyable process if done properly. The genius of the muse must be gently coaxed into action. I find that chocolate works wonders, within reason. I do not recommend that you over engorge your palate with chocolate as it can cause serious side effects. Tongue-tied problems are common. Strawberry cheesecake is a captivating device. However, take care that your addictions to this sweet nectar of the gods not forever ruin your eating habits. Wine is an efficient inducement as well when used with utmost care. A very small dose can enervate your work for days to come. Please experiment to find the proper dosage for your system. Do not use a cheap brand of wine for this experiment, as your head will split in two and your brain matter will ooze out on the filthy floor. Never leave your muse unattended for long periods. This can cause horrid consequences. The bad karma derived from such negligence could follow you for indefinite lengths.

Secondly, you may find it beneficial to brainstorm. This procedure involves allowing your mind to wander free without restraint. The flow of ideas will energize you and prepare you for studious work. Throughout this process, it is best to avoid editing. You should cast the inner editor out with the refuse on garbage day. You would be best off never to allow it access to you again. This caustic critic can cause irreparable damage to your literary voice, and stymie all attempts at originality.

The third step is mind mapping. Here, you place your core idea at the center of a large sheet of paper, butcher paper works very well. Next, you draw lines from your core thought to all the auxiliary thoughts. Each of these is extremely important, with none to be discarded. If you should keep these, you may find each one appropriate for some later work. You must always be equipped for change, only this in all the cosmos is inevitably certain.

Fourthly, laugh deep from your hairy belly. Breathe one, two, three, and four. You will want to imagine someone of whom you are fond reading your masterpiece. If this important phase is well done, it will illuminate all flaws for correction. Never underestimate the power of your soul to evoke other persons with clarity. You are the perfect manifestation of God, except on bad hair days, and all Mondays. Therefore, you are ultimately capable of perfection in every endeavor. Commit to excellence and you will ultimately produce it.

Lastly, give your precious brainchild to another to read. Please, do not let one opinion end your career as a writer. This would be the height of stupidity, like the ostrich hiding his balding head in the hot sand for long periods. One comes to believe the dinosaurs appeared, then banished in one of those times when the ostrich was lost to the world. Though every word presented to you is valuable, your talent is not in question. No one can take your gift from you and it is tremendously important that you remain on your path. Words can and do change lives for the better. That is your mission, and it is a fabulous challenge, which you must meet valiantly. Remember that what you write may save a life, and thereby effect the history of all beings, forevermore.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

May 13, 2000

I hope that you find this piece useful.