Uploaded some photos I scanned into the computer. I am thinking I may have to get another blog just to hold pictures. That would be interesting. Like Chronicles II… I won’t have to do it for a while yet. The storage limit for photos should be larger.

I checked out all the other schemes for my Space and decided as I did initially that I liked this one best out of the choices. So it looks like this presentation will remain. I will just have to be content.

I am freezing for some odd reason. I think there must be a draft from the windows behind the computer. It is really cold outside, but there was not any freezing precipitation today. It was beautiful outside, but I did not stay outside long.

Cooking steak, rice, and sugar snap peas for supper. Should be good. I just hope I get the steak right. Sometimes I cook it medium well instead of medium rare like we prefer it. It is hard to judge cook times with the oven. It is quite old. Got the steaks almost right. Letting Alex do kitchen clean up tonight. I cooked, so he can put everything away in the dishwasher.

Always,

Jo Ann

Had to find several important letters for Mom. She acts like someone moves her stuff around when it is only herself doing it.

I did a drawing and added it to My Art. I think I may try something else later. The one I drew did not turn out as good as I would have liked.

I visited other blogs. Interesting reading.

I am thinking of changing the color scheme on Chronicles, so if you come in and find something totally different don’t be shocked. I am one of those people who changes the wallpaper on their computer daily. I like variety. Nothing remains static. If I get complaints I will probably change back. I wish we could make our own themes. That would be neat.

I have not tackled the online classes yet. Nor have I started my homework from my counselor. I am procrastinating. I have a terrible habit of doing that. One of my major faults. Between procrastination and perfectionism I can hardly accomplish anything at all. Oh, I do okay on everyday things, but when it comes to creative stuff it is so hard.

TTYL,

Jo Ann

Went to sleep around 1:30AM and got up when the screeching alarm clock went off at 7:00AM. Took Alex to the bus in the 25 degree cold. I preheated the car, but it was still not very warm.

When I came back I logged on to the internet, but Mom called me, she had realized that she lost her Discover Card yesterday. We searched everywhere here, and called the store where she used it, no card. I called Discover and cancelled the card. There were thankfully no unauthorized purchases on it. This leads me to think it is somewhere here, but Mom is so good at losing things that I may never find it. She is getting really irresponsible, and she can not seem to admit that she needs someone to watch over her. I try, but sometimes I just can not monitor everything she does. It is not fair that this is happening to her. Getting older and having health problems sucks! I want to die young.

One of the men from our church is going to visit Mom. I think I will avoid contact. I really am not inclined to enjoy such visits. He is a minister, and sometimes that makes me uncomfortable. My views just do not correspond with lots of such types.

I think I am going to try to do something artistic today. I have not engaged in that sort of activity in sometime.

I need to work on my online classes today too. I am far behind on those. Plus I have homework from my counselor. Busy day ahead.

TTYL,

Jo Ann

I went to bed at 1:00AM and woke to the alarm at 7:00AM. I really did not want to leave the house, but had to take Alex to the bus stop. I came back and curled up in bed until 9:00AM. I still did not want to come alive, but got moving slowly. I am not a morning person. I do not think I ever will be. Mornings and I don’t speak to each other, I can not tolerate it.

A little before 10:00AM Mom and I left for my 11:00AM appointment with my counselor. We got there twenty-five minutes early. I waited impatiently during the intervening time. When Mom is with me I usually do not read, but there was not a lot to talk about either.

My counselor and I had a really good session. She helped clarify my thinking on several points. We discussed feelings more and she gave me homework again.

Mother’s leather coat tore today, so she wanted to go to SAM’s to look for one. We dropped by her primary care physician’s office to pick up samples and the orders for her test. The office was closed so we went to SAM’s. She did not find any coats as I had told her all of them were gone because they have spring and summer clothes out. I wound up buying some stuff. Batteries for my insatiable mouse, blank books to collect, socks for my footsies, and a 3 Doors Down CD for Alex.

We went to pick up the pizzas I had called in from my appointment. Stopped back by the doctor’s office and picked up the meds and orders. Mom decided she wanted to go to Ross. Now this was something I really should have avoided, but she whined… I found sunglasses on the way to the back of the store and said I had to have those. Calvin Klein’s similar to my Gargoyles that got broken a year ago, $95.00 glasses for $16.00, a must. Then the clearance aisle attacked me. All kinds of things jumped into the buggy. I had to go back to the front of the store for a second cart because both her stuff and mine would not fit in one. I am hopeless, money just disappears for me. I really need help. I think other than the sunglasses that I needed nothing I bought. Stores are too dangerous. I will hate myself later this week.

We came home and I called the hospital to make Mom’s appointment for her test. No one but me can use the phone to make appointments. I unpacked all my stuff. I have yet to find a place for all of it. This room is like a small specialty shop. I should go on EBAY and sell some stuff, but I have not figured out how to manage that. Too, I like my stuff.

We all had pizza for supper, so I did not have to cook tonight. YAY!

I logged on the computer and visited lots of blogs. Interesting posts out there today. I fixed two weeks of medication for Mom.

So now I am posting this. It has been quite a day. MSN crashed on me twice this evening, but that is better than sometimes.

TTYL,

Jo Ann

The office called about Mom’s sonogram on her neck. There are 40% to 60% blockages in her arteries on both sides of her neck. I have to go pick up orders tomorrow for her to get a MRA done. They said this test is similar to a MRI, I have never heard of it. I think this time they will do surgery. This is somewhat scary to me. I hope it all works out well. I don’t even know who her doctor will be for this yet. It would seem to me that removing these blockages might alleviate some of the small strokes she has so often.

Mom does not want me to tell my niece about the results of her test because she does not want my brother who no longer speaks to us to know about her health. This effectively puts me in the middle again, and I do not like it. My niece is such a dear friend to me and she cares about Mom, so it would seem to me only right to tell her. If she then tells my brother, so what? He ought to quit being asinine anyway. He only has one mother and she is not doing well. My family is so good at playing games, and I am so tired of the bull. If I could I think I would move to Alaska and leave them back here for good. I want to be close to all of them because I love them all, but they are crazy makers. It never fails that I get punished for their antics. The primary players are all older than me, why don’t they grow up? ARWG.

I cooked, but am still full from our late lunch. I do not think I am going to be able to eat much. I tried to get out of the cooking, but Alex seemed to want me to do it, so I did. He ate all his food and asked if there was more meat so I guess he liked what I fixed. He had four thin sliced pork chops, broccoli rice au gratin, and baby carrots, that should have been enough.

It is pouring outside, and they say that the temperatures are supposed to drastically drop overnight. Should be fun driving tomorrow if there is any ice.

Penny is under the desk giving my feet and legs a tongue bath, and I already showered tonight. Penny loves me. If people loved like dogs, without condition, I think the world might be a nicer place. That reminds me, you should really read this book: DOGSPELL   A Dogmatic Theology on the Abounding Love of God  by: Mary Ellen Ashcroft. It is a short little book, but very good. My counselor who recently left county mental health to move on to a private practice gave it to me about a year ago. I miss her, though we still email sometimes. It is good that I had another counselor and was not left without support. Counselors have been a godsend in my life over the recent years. They have helped me through a lot. I honestly don’t understand how most people do without them.

I was wondering today, is there some way to back up what we post to our blogs? I would like to keep what I have posted on here just in case something went wrong and MSN lost my blog. I mean with MSN you never know, it could happen. If anyone knows I would appreciate the information.

I may be back in a little while.

Always,

Jo Ann

It is Monday, but it does not feel like Monday because Alex is home from school. I like days when he gets to stay home, because he is my best buddy and I feel like public school is just organized day care anyway. He learns more when he is with me. I home-schooled Alex for a year back when he was in third grade. The child never liked public school again and says most of what he learned that is important, like how to learn, he got in that one year with me. I had a breakdown and could not continue at the time, and my family felt like socialization was too important for me to do it again when I was able. Alex wishes I had home-schooled him more. I do too, I think it would have meant so much to both of us and I figure he would have learned much more.

Went to bed at 2:00AM and woke from a bad dream at 11:00AM. I unfortunately have a lot of nightmares. I am glad I do not always remember them.

I surfed around to some of my favorite blogs. I think I am going to have to add some more to my list here. Seems like I keep meeting interesting people on Spaces. This network is incredible. I cannot express how much this experience has meant to me. I had a web site before, but the community here means so much more. Blogging brings people into your life and makes them friends as you share your lives with one another. That makes it very special. I never imagined I would feel so supported because of blogging in cyberspace. I mean I always knew computers were excellent tools for interaction, but not since I was on Prodigy in the early nineties have I felt part of a community on-line. I wish I was as comfortable with "real" social interaction as I am on here.

I am going to finish reading Thunder and Lightning today. I only had four pages left when I had to go to bed because my eyes were closing on me. This book was an incredibly fast read. Natalie has a magical quality to her writing.

Mom cooked home-made french fries for our lunch and put onions in mine. I love such things. Reminds me of going to Six Flags as a kid and eating fries in the park. Those days were lots of fun and some of my earliest independent experiences. I had season passes all through my pre-teen and teenage years. I remember the loneliness that I felt there at times too, though. I never was easy with strangers.

I remember my first year in kindergarten. Every day that year I would cry for an hour or so after mother left me, because I was afraid she would not come back. Afraid that something awful would happen and I would never see her and my family again. I think that separation anxiety has something to do with my irrational adult fear that everyone will go to heaven in the rapture and I will be left behind. I know I hate that feeling. You know in hindsight I think if the adults in my life had been a little more aware that someone might have realized something was going on with me at an early age. My behavior was not exactly normal.

I will try to come back later with something more inspirational.

TTYL,

Jo Ann