Tense Situation…

This seems like an invasion of privacy to me: Kansas Prosecutor Demands Files on Late-Term Abortion Patients. Next the government will say they have the right to see anyone’s medical records for any reason they so choose.
 
Well something just happened that may mean I have to leave here. If I do I may not be able to blog anymore. I will try to relate what happened later if I have the chance.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

A Link and Running Commentary…

This is an interesting way to use Video Game technology: Virtual world teaches real-world skills. I think this could be very effective for mental disorders that make socializing difficult as well. It is too bad that most people with severe mental disabilities do not often have computer access. Unfortunately such people often lack the resources to own computers. Many with severe mental illness can not even afford the medications they need to live more productive lives. Such medications are very expensive and everyone does not have medical caregivers who are willing to help fill out the necessary paperwork to get aid from the pharmaceutical companies, as I am so fortunate to have. This is a failing in our healthcare system that needs to be eradicated. I know that with proper medication and counseling that people with severe mental illness can live rewarding lives, I am proof of this. Having the ability to explore art, writing and computing helps me stay "sane", too. 
 
What I would really like to do is go to school and get a degree in Art Therapy. I want to help other people with serious mental illnesses and diseases like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, but college is beyond my reach financially. I do think that I may be able to volunteer with some of the people who go to my psychiatrist’s office, but the problem with doing it is that they may not be able to afford the necessary supplies. Art supplies are expensive and I cannot provide them to others.
 
My counselor and I have been discussing what I may be able to do to fulfill my need to feel I contribute to society. I know the art could be particularly beneficial in the groups I mentioned because I have seen improvement in my mother since I helped her learn to paint. She no longer sits in a chair and watches television all day and her fine motor skills are better. She also seems less depressed because she is accomplishing something with her days.
 
Often art and writing are good self-therapy. They help people get in touch with their emotions and sometimes that is one of the hardest things to accomplish with these populations. The thing is if these people had access to such opportunities many of them would progress to happier, healthier lives.
 
Okay, I need to get off the podium now and go back to whatever I should do for the next while. Thanks for visiting.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

Final Installment of The Tale of My Third Ex…

I am back. Vacuumed the house and started a load of whites. Now I guess I have no excuse but to finish the story about my third ex-husband.
 
After I lost my twin baby girls we got along fine for a few months although I was very hurt by all I had been through. There was a lot of stress over money matters because his other ex-wife was not paying the child support she owed for their teen-aged son. All my money, disability income, was being used for the household and we were still running short. One day just before his son’s graduation I decided to write his ex a note. I had been expressly told to leave the situation alone, but I thought maybe expressing my feelings about what she was doing would make a difference. Needless to say she went ballistic and called him to tell him that he could not see his daughter anymore. He got extremely angry and kicked Alex and I out of the house. This was in 2000 and that night I took an overdose and tried to off myself. Alex called 911 and probably saved my life. I had to drink that disgusting charcoal fluid and was admitted to the psych ward. Alex went to stay with my second brother. While I was in the hospital I saw my favorite psychiatrist who was there to see other patients and asked him if he would be my doctor again. I had been under care of the county mental health psychiatrist, but wanted to see my favorite. He agreed and became my doctor again. This was an excellent development.
 
While in the hospital I refused to wear an armband. The staff told me if I did not wear it I could not have my medication. I told them that was fine… I did not want the medication anyway. They decided I could go without the armband and have my medication too. This was a victory of sorts because psych wards are generally very de-humanizing. I also caused some amazement because I wanted to wash my hair and shave everyday as I normally do. The nurses seemed to think this was an inconvenience for them because they had to check out the shampoo and razor to me each day. These are controlled items on a psych ward. You cannot have them for more than a limited amount of time. I am evidently a very unusual patient when I am not actually in a break-down mode. I was just there because of the stupid suicide attempt and had my faculties about me.
 
I eventually was released from the hospital. I went to stay with my brother… this was not good. I do not really get along with my brother too well. Right now he has not spoken to me in over a year because we have a difference of opinion.
 
I went back to my house and found that some of my stuff had been placed on the carport. Just randomly put out so that anyone could get it. I started moving it in my car. My brother and his wife were not exactly pleased about my bringing my stuff to their house. They put bags of my clothes out by the trash can so that if I had not found them that they could have been carried off by the garbage man. In fact some of them may have been. By the weekend I had decided to talk to my mother and she said I could come spend the weekend at her house. I have been here ever since. I got what of my stuff I could from my ex’s and my brother’s and moved it here. My ex kept most of my belongings. I tried to get the police to help me retrieve them but they said it was a domestic matter and would have to be taken care of in the courts. I decided that rather than go through the courts yet again that I would just let him have the majority of what Alex and I owned. I have slowly regained some things, but most things he kept were irreplaceable like Alex’s baby pictures, all my house-wares, the furniture I had accumulated through the years and such like. It still hurts that he pillaged us like that. I hope that every time he looks at my things that it bothers him but it probably does not.
 
I have kept in touch with him through the years. I guess I kinda hoped we would get back together. I don’t really know why I wanted this, because he obviously is not good for me, but I still love him. Anyway, I had convinced Mom that it would be okay for me to see him again and all, though she had grave reservations. A few weeks ago he wrote me an email saying "Good-bye." So I guess it is really irrevocably over now. It is probably for the best, but it is hard nonetheless. I really do need to move beyond all the men in my past, and am trying to do so. It is not easy because once I love someone I do it for always. Maybe one day I will find someone who is "the right one." For now I am just trying to be happy with things as they are… and that is working alright.
 
I often wonder if someone like me can actually have a rewarding relationship with a man. There has to be a lot of acceptance and understanding for someone to want me, because I am not completely "normal". However, I have a lot to offer if someone has the capacity to get involved. Being single is okay though, just lonely sometimes.
 
Well, I finally finished that tale. I think I see a way to open up one of the others from here, but will wait for another time.
 
Happy Saturday to all.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Pesky Thoughts

Went to sleep around 1:00AM and woke on my own at 8:00AM. Decided to stay up and get an early start on my Saturday. This sleeping thing is working so much better than it did for the previous three years that I am very pleased.
 
When I got up I found the house deserted except for Penny. Unfortunately the pesky thought that always occurs to me since my first breakdown came up again. I thought just for the briefest of moments that everyone had gone to heaven in the rapture and I had been left behind. This I told myself was crazy and went on about the business of getting the clothes together to wash the first of three loads for today. I have to deal with some small annoying crazy thoughts on a regular basis, but have learned to ignore most of it. I think my deep biblical background sometimes has a real negative effect on me. When I am unsure of myself which happens quite a lot, I often worry that I am going to hell. This can be a very disturbing thought and scare the life of me. I am bright enough to understand that these irrational thoughts are just that, but they are still an inconvenience. I function pretty much normally most of the time, and most people never realize I have Schizophrenia (Schizo-Affective Disorder), but it is a real personal challenge to stay "sane". The paranoia that goes along with all the rest can be very debilitating too, if I allow my mind to go down that path… most times I just tell my brain to shut up and go on with whatever it is I need to accomplish.
 
Soon I heard Mom and Alex bustling around outside. They have gotten an early start on the yard work. I am glad they decided to allow me to sleep. I will work inside while they do outdoor things. I really wish Mom would not try to do so much, but she is stubborn.
 
Well, I have to go unload the washer and put on another load of clothes.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

About Happiness…

This is an excellent article: Happiness Is Back. I believe as stated in the article that a happier society would be a much better society. Money is not always the best measure of happiness. I have lived through times when I had more than I do now, but was overall less happy. Most of the time I am happy now, even though I am often completely broke. I sometimes aspire to more, but do not think having more would necessarily make me happier. If stress levels were higher because of a high pressure work environment, I am sure my happiness would suffer. Less time with family and to myself would also cause less happiness.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Friday’s Travels…

Went to bed around 1:45AM got up at 7:04AM. Took Alex to the bus stop, came back and crawled back in bed since I had nothing to do this morning. Slept until 11:00AM.
 
Logged into the computer and checked some of my favorite blog sites. Did some web surfing.
 
At almost 1:00PM mother returned from her trip out with her friend. We left about 1:20PM for town so that we could get to her appointment. We waited for the technician to finish with another patient for about forty minutes. I was allowed to go back for the procedure and realized again how frail Mom is getting when she tried to lay on the exam table. It was terribly painful for her. The test took about an hour.
 
After leaving the office we stopped at Pearle Vision Center to have Mom’s glasses adjusted. She had complained about them on the drive in so I thought stopping would help her.
 
I started a new book today: The Mind Map Book by Tony Buzan. I still have not finished the other one, but it is going so slow I thought reading something else would be a good idea. I managed to read quite a bit at the appointment.
 
When we returned home I computed some. I decided to go for a walk and take the digital camera with me to capture the scenery. I walked up to my brother’s property and took pictures of the two ponds and three horses. Being out felt very good. The horses licked my hands and allowed me to pet them, except for Jo she was being shy. Jo only really likes one human, my brother. Her prior owners abused her and she still seems to remember it. She is a beautiful American Quarter Horse. The pictures from my walk are above if you would like to view them in the folder named Pictures From My Walk, ingenious title, ay?
 
I cooked tonight. I still wish I did not have to do this chore. I wonder if taking cooking classes would change my opinion about the process. I doubt it.
 
Did some more surfing and talked to my best friend. Her day has been crazy as usual. I wish she could take some time away from all the chaos. It sounds like this Summer she and her husband will go on a vacation and leave the kids with me. I just hope I can work the schedules here at home around that time.
 
Alex wants to go to Boot Camp this Summer so that he is ready to go in the Marines as soon as he graduates. I am trying to convince him that maybe going in the military is no longer the best option for his future, but he seems sure he wants this. I will support his decision either way. I know his leaving is going to be incredibly hard for me. I will miss him so much. Heck, I miss him when he leaves for a few days now.
 
I hope you have a wonderful weekend…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Link…

Our Godless Constitution and excellent argument for separation of church and state.

Local Tragedy… and A Wondering…

My mother related portions of this story to me on the way to her appointment this afternoon: Sheriff’s Deputy, Gunman Killed. We drive right by the home that was the scene of the crime on our way into Douglasville. I was saddened by the news. It is always tragic when an officer is killed in the line of duty. As we drove back home and passed the house I wondered, how do you hold a funeral for a person who has murdered someone? This thought had never really occurred to me before. I would think it was nearly impossible to make any remarks on such an occasion. How would you offer any comfort to the family, but at the same time how could you not try. Such tragedy in our world…
 
I wish there were true peace to be found.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Writing Practice

Her Heart beat like…

 

            Her heart beat like the staccato of a virtuoso’s drum when she spotted him at a table across the dining room. She did not expect to see him on her side of town. He generally would not come here, or at least he never did when they were together.

            She took the seat the perky hostess led her to with a sigh and began looking over the menu. Her mind raced frenetically, not focusing well on the pages before her. She glanced at him observing his face was thinner than last she saw him. His hair was longer, but attractively styled. Overall, he seemed relaxed and looked well. He was apparently taking his meal alone, intent on the food before him.

            Should she walk over and say hello… he had refused to meet with her every time she called. Her stomach knotted as it often did when she thought of him. Maybe it was better to go unnoticed.

            When Stacy, her waitress, returned she quietly placed her order. She hoped she might avoid a scene here in one of her favorite restaurants. Perhaps he would overlook her presence. Their last face to face had been disastrous. It still made her blanche to think of his behavior.

            Her order came quickly, but she felt little like eating. Her nerves were tensed in fight or flight mode. This violent reaction to seeing him disconcerted her.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

March 1, 2001

My Day… Wherein Interesting Things Happen…

I went to sleep at around 1:30AM and rose at 7:10AM because of the screeching alarm clock finally penetrating my consciousness, note to self still need to replace alarm clock… ten minutes is too long to ignore the darn thing. Other people in the household get upset about the noise. Got fussed at for passwording the computer… Alex thinks he should have open access to mine, but not me to his. Took Alex to the bus stop with my eyes almost closed, not sleepy, contact malfunction. Barely made it on time because he was loading my music onto his iPAC. Came back and changed out of pajamas into jeans and my favorite smock. Tried to surf a little, but Mom wanted to leave for town so we did.
 
Stopped at Dollar General to return something Mom had bought. Wound up shopping. Got some cool blank books and an adorable stuffed lamb. Should not have spent any money. Am a shoppaholic… need control… obviously incapable of such. Will be the inevitable ruin of myself. I am a self-fulfilling disaster waiting to happen, or in process. I will worry about it when I have more time.
 
Bought two Kystal Sunrisers and ate the delicious little things on the way to K-mart. Looked around a little and was forcefully attacked by two blouses. They jumped directly into my shopping cart. They were clearance items, and now they have a new home.
 
Took Mom to her 11:00 appointment with her primary care physician. His nurse informed me she still wants me to paint her nursery when she has a baby. I look forward to this event, but it is not likely to happen anytime soon.
 
The doctor comes into the room points at me and says, "What is this?" I am befuddled for a moment then he says, "Nick-Nack Paddy Wack" and I realize he is talking about my smock. I smile and stupidly point at another phrase that says, "All Bark… No Bite." He laughs and I think maybe the moment of embarrassing revelation is over. He asks if Mom is still seeing her neurologist, we reply yes, he asks if we like that he is in this building. I reply, "Yes, it is much more convenient than his other office which was a long drive." Then I say, "And don’t you own this building?" He looks abashed, and says, "Yes, and where did you hear this." My turn to get uncomfortable and mumble, "I heard it when you had the flood." He says, "Oh!" This was the most personal conversation we have engaged in during the four years he has been mother’s doctor and I was quite amazed.
 
He asked about Mom’s major complaints and she told him about her neck pain and the pain going down her left arm. He said maybe she should go back on Celebrex and Mom asked wasn’t it hazardous, and he and I discussed the latest findings on the drug because I had read about it on the web. I agreed we should try it again and he seemed pleased. He also ordered an x-ray which was done in office, but we have to go back at 2:00PM tomorrow for an ultrasound on the artery in her neck. He must suspect the blockage has worsened from 47%, and that it may be the culprit in this ongoing severe pain. I am very worried that if this has occurred that she may require surgery… this is very scary to me. Mom and I do not always get along, but I love her dearly, and want her here as long as possible. I do not think she realizes how serious this might be, and right now I am not saying it to her. I worry…
 
We left the office and took the truckload of crushed cans to the recycling center. The man there wanted us to come back after his lunch because he had only had two customers all morning, but Mom said no that we could not come back. He gave her a really dirty look, then jumped off his truck and started grabbing bags off our truck and pouring them into the trashcans. He has never lifted a hand to help us with unloading before. We rushed. Mom received $60.30 for what were mostly my cans. She gets the money because she crushes them. I would, but my carpal tunnel makes hammering them a real pain. This is inequitable, but I have to play by Mom’s rules. Maybe she will buy me lunch, sometime.
 
Next we went to Wal-Mart to do the grocery thing. Today my right foot was hurting so I was trying to get through as quick as possible and she came up with things she had to go all the way back across the store for three times. Next time I read her list so we do not backtrack. Sometimes my lack of sense amazes me. I know she cannot shop in a organized manner, she gets confused, but I stupidly did not read the list today. I paid dearly for my mistake.
 
We came home and unloaded the truck. After everything was put away she called me from the computer to the kitchen to have a conference. She wanted to know if she could set Alex’s bedtime at 11:00PM over the weekend if he failed to do the outdoor chores she wanted done. I told her no. She said I never support her when she needs things done. I said that she should just ask Alex and then maybe remind him instead of putting some kind of condition which was sure to infuriate him on his doing the task. She was pissed… I went back to my room and she whined from the living room that I could tell him what she wanted done and if he did not she would do it. This she is incapable of, and was a ploy to guilt me. It worked somewhat.
 
When Alex came home she asked him to go get the mail, unload the fertilizer, and put the truck up. Nothing about the outdoor chores. I called Alex into my room told him about our conference and my response and asked him nicely to do the chores she wanted done. He was not happy about her ultimatum style approach, nor that she was mad at me and sulking, but he agreed to get it all done by the end of the weekend. Mission accomplished.
 
He went out and worked awhile and did all the things she had asked him to do.
 
We had chicken, ramen, and sugar snap peas for supper, used up all the leftover meat. You really should try sugar snap peas, they are delicious… and picky kid friendly.
 
Well, that’s about all for my day… Hope yours was happy!
 
Always,
Jo Ann