Well, this should be an interesting day. I went to bed at 1:30AM and woke up at 6:15AM without any prompting by anyone. I tried to go back to sleep, but I am up because I could not go back. I guess I am going to get a shower and start getting ready for the day after I make this entry. I never expected to wake up so early. I hope the new alarm clock goes off today. I tried to set it again last night.

The next journal prompt from the series I worked on.

Day 3: Soft Eyes

Journal Prompts and My Responses

What would you do if you had more free time?

Read

Write

Complete craft projects

Paint

Draw

Pray

Converse

What important activities, chores, trips, or creations have you been putting on hold?

Developing my self-esteem and self-confidence

Going to college

Vacations

Painting on canvas

Making crafts

Writing a novel

Getting a new car

Do you think you will ever get around to doing these things?

Maybe, it depends on money as well as time. I am financially oppressed so doing things is difficult. I am working toward accomplishing these things.

List the wild or forbidden activities that call to you – from swimming naked to jumping out of airplanes, to eating all the chocolate you crave.

Sky diving

Parachute skiing

Teaching a class

Public speaking

Shooting at a pistol range

Going to concerts

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

Some unlikely sources of inspiration and what in particular touched me:

1. Watching a puppy play in total freedom and abandonment
2. Reading odd articles on the internet which made me think
3. My hallucinations and delusions left me with some very wild ideas
4. Staring into a candle flame brought thoughts to the surface

I recognize gratitude in others through smiles, endearing touches, and such

I incorporate these signals of gratitude into my own life

A gift continuum – from the most frivolous of purchases, to the more practical, to the intangible – all things I wish I had:

1. A house of my own
2. Anew car
3. A few new ink pens from Levenger
4. An Alaskan Malamute or a Weimaraner 
5. A Bose bookshelf stereo with multi-cd-changer
6. A refillable portfolio from renaissance-arts.com
7. A class ring to replace the one that disappeared
8. A color laser printer that can print digest sized pages
9. A Nikon digital SLR camera
10. Subscription to GRANTA
11. Subscription to Publisher’s Weekly
12. Subscription to The New York Review of Books
13. Subscription to SALON.com
14. Yearly vacations
15. College tuition for Alex
16. An easel
17. College tuition
18. Money to pay off debts
19. A closet organizer
20. Canvas
21. Picture frames
22. A career
23. Self-esteem
24. Self-confidence
25. Unwavering faith
26. Remission without medication
27. Clarity of vision
28. Memory improvement
29. Patience
30. Understanding
31. Possibly a makeover for my room
32. A definite makeover for myself
33. Enough money to publish Alex’s first book through Original Creations Publishing Corporation
34. Some new scented candles
35. Lots of new programming for this computer

Five things for which I am grateful today:

1. Mom ironed some clothes for me
2. I found some interesting books on the new arrivals stack last time I went to the library
3. I woke up early this morning
4. I found space in my room for the mugs I bought a few days ago
5. My room is homey

That is all for that entry. These are very revealing entries, because they voice some private thoughts I rarely express even with myself. The list of gifts could continue for a while. By the way, I may start this journal process again, it came from a very good book I picked up at Borders one afternoon in late 2004. Most of these entries are from last November. It was my first trial at daily journaling for a long time.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day. I am going for that shower really soon. I have new clothes I bought during the week to wear today. The Target trip was very productive, even got some dress pants.

Smiles,

Jo Ann

The last entry is the only recent photo I possess of the man and it is borrowed from his corporate web site. That is his new truck and probably bought with funds I helped achieve. So now you can put a face with all my talk of him. That picture may not stay up long because of who it is and where it originally was published.

I visited all the sites on my first blog list this evening and on some I left lots of comments. I am in a verbose mood tonight and was ready to share some more things about myself.

Alex is doing his final first cut of edits on his novel and that thing is already 182 pages. I am to be given it next, fun, fun, editing for publication again. If it goes to press at least I get some small credit for being part of this process. What other sixteen year old have you heard of who actually finishes his first novel? What I read was very good, as it spat out of my printer. He will flesh it out to around 300 manuscript pages before all the editing is complete. I am very proud of him for following through with all the work this entailed. The iPAC was a big part of the process because most of the book was written on this hand held. I don’t understand how he could use such a small keyboard for such a task, but it worked miracles on his writing every single day. I love the little machine even though I rarely get to look at it. It is his most territorial possession. Mostly he says, "mine Mom".

Well, guess I better go for now. I do not have much left to say, and tomorrow is not a usual day. I have to go out to see my psychiatrist early. Cannot stay up too late, plus I was rudely awakened at 7:00AM and not allowed to rest any more all day after being up until 3:00AM. Not my kind of day at all, started bad and only just got better. Mom was my own personal tyrant today. I give it to her, she plays the role better than anyone I know except my older brother who is even worse.

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Took some time to get all this room presentable again.

New Entry… 

Day 2: Shadow Play

Journal Prompts and My Responses

List the big and small surprises that have happened to you. Were any life changing?

Finding out I had Schizophrenia. It changed everything about my life.

Discovering I was pregnant with Alex changed my life. It gave me responsibility for another person. All his life depended on my taking care of him.

Becoming pregnant with Katherine Rose and Melissa Faith and finding out they had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome was devastating. Losing Melissa and having to make a decision to terminate Katherine tore me apart.

Coming back to live with mother in 2000 was a shock. It has worked out to the best because Mom needs my help now.

Getting a new computer this August was a surprise that has renewed my interest in writing and research.

What do you like to do when you are alone? Does being alone make you feel like something is right or wrong? Why?

I like to write, read, paint, draw, take photographs, do crafts, use the computer, listen to music, and do pleasant things to surprise people – like clean up the house when no one is there to know about it.

Time alone is something I cherish… but actually have little time to enjoy.

Being alone gives me a chance to tune in to myself. It allows me to find my peace and reach deep inside for the hidden knowledge that is already and always there.

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

Five things for which I am grateful today:

1. An abundance of nice pens
2. Many beautiful blank books
3. My computer
4. My ability to read
5. I bought the books that began me doing this journaling

Thinking back to the best moments of my life when I offered thanks without prompting these memories come to mind:

1. The day I gave birth to Alex
2. The moment when I bought my first computer
3. The moment I met Jeff
4. The day Jeff and I got married
5. The day Mom bought Penny
6. The day Alex became student of the year
7. The day I won a plaque for being Volunteer of the Year at South Douglas
8. The day Jeff and I got back together after our divorce
9. The moment I found out I was having twins
10. When Braswell became my counselor
11. The day Michael called me Mom
12. When Brenda became my counselor
13. When Alex accidentally stabbed himself and then was fine
14. The day I bought this computer

My natural talents are:

1. Verbal facility   
2. Writing ability
3. High creativity
4. Artistic talent
5. Teaching others
6. Drawing
7. Painting
8. Musical ability
9. Photography
10. Helping others
11. Generous with my love
12. Offering encouragement
13. Natural intelligence
14. Organization

My fondest wishes for myself and the gifts I have that can help make my wishes come true:

1. To become a best selling writer – verbal facility, writing ability, creativity, natural intelligence, and organization
2. To sell some of my artwork – Artistic talent, creativity, drawing, painting, and photography
3. To find a mate who will stay with me the rest of my life – Mmm… generous with love
4. To become a publisher – verbal facility, writing ability, creativity, natural intelligence, organization, artistic talent
5. To never stop learning – applying my teaching skills to myself.

Smiles,

Jo Ann