Repeat Exercise 2: Patterning
Writing Your Self
Chapter 12
Section 1: Getting Started
Saturday, April 17, 2010

Choose one of these opening phrases, complete a sentence with it and then add several more: ‘Today I am’, ‘I shall never’, ‘I want’, ‘I don’t want’, ‘Because I’, ‘I am going to’, ‘I won’t forget’, ‘I remember’, ‘Every day I’.

I won’t forget my brother, James, and how much I loved him even though we did not always agree.
I won’t forget how excited I was the day Mom allowed me to get my puppy dog, Hope.
I won’t forget how much I loved to go to the lake or river and water-ski in Summer.
I won’t forget how I was bullied when I was in school, the scars are still there on my soul.
I won’t forget the first time I held Alex in my arms after he was born.
I won’t forget how proud I was when Alex decided to become a United States Marine.
I won’t forget how happy I was to have a place to live when Mom allowed me to move in with her.
I won’t forget how much I enjoyed managing a convenience store.
I won’t forget my Jeep Liberty, even though I had to give it up because of financial difficulty.
I won’t forget how generous my mother is to me.
I won’t forget how bad it hurts to be forsaken by people you love.
I won’t forget how much a smile and a kind word can mean.
I won’t forget to tell those I love that I love them often.
I won’t forget being happy is a choice I make every moment.
I won’t forget that dreams can come true when one perseveres to make them happen.
I won’t forget what it is like to be lonely.
I won’t forget that prejudice is cruel.
I won’t forget that simple things can cause great pleasure.
I won’t forget that a label is not who a person is.
I won’t forget that music can make a long walk seem shorter.
I won’t forget that credit cards can cause financial disaster.
I won’t forget to respect those who defend our country and those who work to keep us safe.
I won’t forget how happy being in love can make me feel.
I won’t forget people are generally wonderful and kind.
I won’t forget what a privilege it is to have access to a library.
I won’t forget the first time I was praised for writing a poem.
I won’t forget that friendship is a give and take situation.

Now try this again using a feeling or state of mind in the form: ‘Hope is’, ‘Fear is’, ‘Determination is’, ‘Rage is’, ‘Disappointment is’, ‘Serenity is’, ‘I am afraid’, ‘I love’, ‘I’m angry because’, ‘I hope’, and so on.

I hope I never become so jaded I do not appreciate love.
I hope growing older does not debilitate me.
I hope Mom lives to be at least 100 years old.
I hope Alex’s life is always full of happiness and goodness.
I hope I am always able to read many books and my eyesight does not get worse.
I hope my puppy dog, Hope, is with me a very long time.
I hope my writing improves.
I hope I am able to pay my loans off in a timely manner.
I hope I fall in love with a wonderful man again one day.
I hope my friend, Reba, heals well from her back surgery.
I hope people grow more understanding of mental illness.
I hope my pain continues to be bearable.
I hope I am always able to afford some of the things I want and most of what I need.
I hope God keeps Alex safe as he serves as a Marine.
I hope I can be an encouragement to other people.
I hope I do not regain the weight I have lost.
I hope that I can someday set up a web site for writers and artists that is like the magazine I used to publish.
I hope I always enjoy learning new things.
I hope it becomes possible for people to live in peace.
I hope my friends and family always enjoy much happiness.
I hope I can go on a short vacation someday.
I hope my bills do not go up very much.
I hope I get another vehicle someday.
I hope my old desktop computer lasts many years because it has some programs and much information on it, which I cannot put on my laptop.
I hope I am always able to take care of my Mom.
I hope we get enough rain this year to keep us out of drought.

I really do not know how to approach this subject anymore. My ideas and feelings have changed so much. I still tend to think of myself as a Christian, but I am so open-minded and questioning that I am not sure it is a fair characterization anymore.

 

There are so many things about most churches and their people with which I no longer agree. I still pray and find solace in the fact I feel that someone listens, but I do not do it as religiously as I once did. I know most of the fundamentalist Christians will probably ask God to kick me out of Heaven if I am so fortunate as to make it there.

 

See I believe a woman has a right to choose what she does should she become pregnant and finds for personal reasons or health reasons that she cannot carry the child to term. I would never call her a sinner or baby killer if she chose abortion as her best option. Better a child never be born than live a loveless life because of being unwanted. Also there are situations where health concerns for mother or child can make the choice to terminate conscionable. Many of my Christian fellows think this opinion makes me an infidel, I can live with that, I have been called names before.

 

I believe that people who are gay or lesbian should have the right to marry and have the same privileges as heterosexual couples. Love in my opinion makes the union sacred. The ceremony only makes the legalities apply. Any two people who love one another and are committed to one another should be allowed to enjoy the privileges of marriage. I know my church would not be happy should they be fully aware of my opinion. That may, in fact, be one reason I no longer attend services on a regular basis.

 

I no longer believe there is only one path to Heaven. Christianity is wonderful and I find some of its ideas and customs are appropriate to my life, but because someone else sees fit to believe differently does not make me believe they are condemned. I am not even sure I believe in a literal Hell anymore. I have seen enough suffering on Earth that I have a hard time reasoning that a loving God would punish a person forever. My view of God is open to forgiveness for even the most heinous of acts. I can understand how people would be drawn to other faith traditions and I believe most of them would not have survived through time if the paths were not valid ways to connect with God.

 

Judgment is God’s prerogative, and I am only human and prone to mistakes. I cannot stand over my fellow beings and find fault in their beliefs. Beliefs are personal, and I am by my own fallibility unsuited to judge.

 

I constantly educate myself through reading and evaluating ideas with which I come in contact. There is information that informs my opinions, and there are deep emotions involved. I think the Lord is more accepting of us than many of us believe possible. I may be wrong, but I realize I must be true to things I have come to know and feel bound by. I cannot prove the existence of God and so must go on personal faith. Therefore who am I to say someone else’s personal faith is wrong.

 

I may be a heathen and condemned to Hell, but I have been bullied and an outcast before. It would not be the first time I was persecuted for who I was. If that is the truth of the universe, I will deal with it. I think God knows me and understands me, but I have no definite proof. God’s ways are higher than mine are, and somewhat beyond my understanding, so I leave the judgment in the Creator’s hands.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Hope and I went for a two-mile walk today. It is threatening rain so I am glad that we did walk before it starts.

 

Yesterday afternoon and evening was taken up with talking to technical support at MSN and Microsoft. I was having terrible email issues and could not resolve them after working on them for several hours myself. MSN said the problem was with Outlook after having me on the phone two and a half hours. I called Microsoft and worked with them another three hours. They finally concluded that the email problem was coming from MSN. I went back and worked through the issue myself for several more hours myself. This morning I spent about an hour on it and finally have it resolved. I hate to get technical support people that are out of country. I have difficulty understanding them and apparently they do not much understand me. I really think the whole issue was with MSN because that is where the problems were. They have been doing upgrades to email for a while now and a bunch of them must have been done over the last few days and had some disastrous effects. Almost all the email were moved into my junk mail folder on MSN and I was afraid the automatic delete would do away with all these messages that were already sorted in Outlook. MSN would not allow me to move the messages out of the junk mail folder. After the MSN guy worked on the issue, later last night I was able to move the messages around. It was horrible. Sometimes I think like Alex, "MSN is the devil."

 

The time change really got me last night. I was up to almost 3:00am with the new time. I woke at 8:30am this morning so that was decent. Not a lot of sleep, but I feel okay.

 

One of my friends, from my time on MSN Spaces where I have my blog, instant messaged me last night and we then got on the phone and talked a while. It was great hearing from her. I am so glad we linked up.

 

This upcoming week is scheduled to be a busy one. I have many appointments; I am not looking forward to all of them.

 

I hope things go smoothly and hope each of you has a good week.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

I seem not to be keeping up with email or journaling much lately. I am not sure what is wrong with me, but I seem occupied with other things. Maybe since I brought everything up to date today I will begin to do better.

 

I have been reading a lot. Invisible by Paul Auster is very good. The sexual content in this novel is high and it is out of the ordinary. Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill is an excellent novel. It is a different sort of ghost story and I highly recommend it. Treasure Hunt by John Lescroart is an interesting detective story with lots of twists. Hope in the Age of Anxiety by Anthony Scioli and Henry B. Biller is a good book, but I was a little disappointed that it did not have more concrete ideas on how to bring hope into one’s life. Hidden Empire by Orson Scott Card is the sequel to Empire, which I read long enough ago that I only have vague memories of it. The sequel stands alone and is very good. It is set in the not too distant future and has some very interesting thoughts in it. After the Prophet by Lesley Hazleton is an excellent book on Islam. It gives some ideas on why the Shia and Sunni sects are always at war. I found it very enlightening. The Faith Instinct by Nicholas Wade is a very good book. It gives reasons why religion developed and how faith impacts our lives. The End of Faith by Sam Harris is an excellent book. It has me really questioning some of my beliefs. The book is challenging and has some great points on why faith in God might be questionable. I do not agree with all of it, but the points are well written.

 

We have been staying relatively busy. I have gone to physical therapy several times and we have had other appointments. One thing that I did that was very enjoyable was that last Sunday I went to the mall by myself. I spent a lot of time looking at clearance merchandise in Belks and bought some awesome bargains. I also went to Borders and picked up a couple of writing books. I really did not need them, but I had a coupon, and I could not resist.

 

I have talked to Alex several times and he seems set on getting married and moving to California. I am not exactly thrilled about either one, but there is not a lot I can do to influence him. I just hope whatever he decides works out well.

 

The weather has been warmer, but we have been having a lot of rain. I have not gotten out walking with Hope much. The last time we walked my nostrils started burning and when I came inside, I noticed I was wheezing. That kept me from walking anymore that day.

 

My mood has been good. Mom and I are getting along quite well. She is a little miffed at times that I go to my room to read when she is running the television, but we do not have significant problems over it.

 

Well that gets me to today and I really have nothing else to say. I hope everyone’s weekend goes well.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

I have read a few books since my last check in. The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, MD was a very good book. It gave some suggestions on how to make our world a better place. The Time Traveler’s Guide To Medieval England By Ian Mortimer was an interesting look at fourteenth century England. I thought it well written and captivating. Shadow Tag by Louise Erdrich was a very good novel detailing the lives of a family and how they dealt with one another. It was written in the form of diary entries with some narration mixed in. The Lady in the Tower by Alison Weir was a very good book about the last weeks of Anne Boleyn’s life. The whole of it was fascinating.

 

On Monday, I went to the chiropractor, took Mom to Fantastic Sam’s for a haircut, and went by Sam’s to pick up a few things. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Tuesday, we took Penny to the vet and Mom spent $265.00 on her. The tests and x-rays gave us a better idea of why she has been having problems. Penny also got her rabies shot. Frances and Wendell, Mom’s Homebound Buddies from church came by to visit her. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Wednesday, I went to the chiropractor, the library, and the vet to get Ko-Ko’s heartworm medicine and Penny’s prescription for Interceptor. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Thursday, Mom’s sister Betty and her husband Bud visited and took us out to lunch at Hudson’s BBQ. We had some time to kill so we went to Sam’s and browsed. After Betty and Bud left us, Mom panicked because she thought she had lost her billfold. I found it for her in the seat of the truck. We went to Target and did some shopping. At my orthopedist’s office, we had to wait a while because he was running thirty minutes behind. He checked me and again said that my problem was my sciatic nerve not my legs, which hurt so bad. He gave me a prescription for Prednisone, an order for physical therapy, and was setting up an appointment for a MRI. We went back to Sam’s to fill my prescription.

 

Friday, Mom and I were adjusted at the chiropractor and I gave them the order for physical therapy. Laura came by the house and picked up some of Alex’s stuff to take to him in Cherry Point, North Carolina. She took the Glock pistol that he had left here and that was somewhat a relief to me. I washed four loads of clothes.

 

Saturday, I read a lot and just hung out. Hope and I walked two miles. I caught up on the email that had built up over the last few days.

 

Today, Mom went to Sunday school with Betty and then to Lil’s memorial with June. I read a lot and Hope and I walked two miles. I saw my nephew Jeremy riding the four-wheeler while we were outside.

 

Well, that catches things up. It was a busy week but overall went well.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

I finished reading The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova. I loved this book. So much is revealed about the characters that they seem like someone you might know. I read The Heavenstone Secrets by V. C. Andrews, which was a very good book. It is a little creepy, but tales of siblings can be that way. On Monsters by Stephen T. Asma was a very good look at the development of monsters through time and how perceptions of monstrous acts have changed. I enjoyed reading it. Sleepless by Charlie Huston was a good novel. It deals with the very near future and has great characters. Horns by Joe Hill was an excellent novel. Joe Hill is Stephen King’s son and he got the right genes to tell a fantastic story. I will be going back and trying to find his first two books.

 

Alex was here from February 5 to February 19 and it was great having him home. We spent some quality time together and he helped around here with some of the chores I am not good at doing. He gave me a teddy bear and an extra large box of Tide with Bleach for Valentine’s Day. The teddy bear is adorable and the Tide will definitely be used. His girlfriend was here a lot, so much of the time he was with her and not really with me.

 

I have had a couple of trying situations with Mom. She seems to get angry with me very easily. When I upset her and she is harsh with me, it makes me feel very hurt and is causing me some problems with depression. I just feel like I am such a dismal failure and have felt very negative emotions toward myself. Sometimes I feel like Mom would be better off without me.

 

I fell on February 15 and hurt myself. I wish I had insurance coverage that would allow some physical therapy without a doctor’s referral. I could use the help to get better. I will in the future be more careful when there is a possibility of ice on the ground.

 

Mom’s friend Lil passed away yesterday. She is down about it.

 

Penny is still not doing very well so we are taking her to the vet tomorrow. I hope he will be able to find something that will help her.

 

My niece, Carrie Leigh, came Saturday and blew and raked leaves. I gave her three pair of brand new pants and a pantsuit.

 

Hope and I have not walked much lately because I have been in a lot of pain, but we walked today.

 

I hope this week goes well. I do not know how much more negativity I can take from Mom without serious problems for me.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

I have not really given much of an update on what has been going on in some time, so I guess I should.

 

I will start with books. I have read many good ones. The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver was a good read. If you check out my membership on Goodreads, you can see more of what I write about the books. The Crisis by David Poyer was a good military thriller. The Monster in the Box by Ruth Rendell was a very good read. Spooner by Pete Dexter was a good story about a man’s life from birth forward. The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K. Germer PhD was a very good book on how to treat yourself more kindly and it taught some meditation techniques that I found useful. Makers by Cory Doctorow was an exploration of the near future that was very enjoyable. Racing Toward Armageddon by Michael Baigent was a very good look at how the major religions treat the end times. It really was eye opening. Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett was a fun lighthearted read. Writing Your Self by John Killick and Myra Schneider was a great book on exploring the self through writing. The exercises in the second part of the book are very good. The Cheater by Nancy Taylor Rosenberg was a good thriller. I really enjoyed the story and the in-depth look into the characters. Breathless by Dean Koontz was a wonderful book. I loved it. Dogs & Devotion by The Monks of New Skete was a light read that any dog lover would enjoy. The Wild Things by Dave Eggers was too much about juveniles for me to really enjoy it. By The Mountain Bound by Elizabeth Bear was a very good novel in the fantasy genre. I am currently reading The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova, and am enjoying it very much.

 

Alex and his girlfriend came in around mid-night on Christmas and stayed with us the rest of the weekend. He came home for New Year’s as well. Alex gave me money for Christmas and I purchased some nice clothes with it.

 

Mom and I went to my sister-in-law Linda’s house for my great-niece Jayden’s first birthday party. That was a very nice outing. We went to Hobby Lobby on the day they marked their Christmas merchandize down to 90% off and we got some tremendous bargains. It snowed and I got some good pictures of the snow.

 

Alex took his computer to Best Buy because it stopped working and they gave him a hard time, but with his extended warranty after almost a month they gave him his money and he bought a new laptop.

 

I helped Mom with carrying totes and bags of stuff to her storage building. I also helped her clean out her computer room. It looks much better now.

 

I wrote a letter to Dr. Phil because I was very moved by one of his shows.

 

Mom’s laptop started working so she now has two working computers.

 

We gave away a lot of stuff through Freecycle. It works okay, but some people get very bad attitudes if they do not get something from you that they want. Another thing I do not like about Freecycle is that there is a lot of lag time between when something is sent to post and when it shows up on the list.

 

Alex rode down with his buddy Jake who has a trailer on last Friday. They put the 1972 Chevrolet on the trailer and Jake took it back to Cherry Point, North Carolina on Saturday. Alex and his girlfriend have been spending the nights here since. During the days, Alex has helped around here and it has been very nice having him home.

 

On Tuesday, Alex and I went out shopping for a pistol for him. Luckily, I remembered a place that sells to law enforcement and military and he got a significant discount on a Glock.

 

I was very sick to my stomach Friday evening and felt very weak until about Tuesday. I am finally feeling about normal today. My back is still hurting a good bit, but I have not been wearing my brace much because it ruins my clothes.

 

I have not been journaling much. I was hoping that the beginning of 2010 would inspire me to be more regular in my habits, but mostly it has not. I stay busy doing what Mom wants done and with some recreational reading.

 

That pretty much catches me up to the present. Hope all is well with everyone.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Exercise 2: Patterning
Writing Your Self
Chapter 12
Section 1: Getting Started
Sunday, January 31, 2010

Choose one of these opening phrases, complete a sentence with it and then add several more: ‘Today I am’, ‘I shall never’, ‘I want’, ‘I don’t want’, ‘Because I’, ‘I am going to’, ‘I won’t forget’, ‘I remember’, ‘Every day I’.

I shall never understand how some people treat their fellow humans so inhumanely.
I shall never believe my dreams are impossible.
I shall never understand why romantic love seems so elusive for me.
I shall never believe that dogs are less capable of love than are humans.
I shall never understand how anyone could hate to read.
I shall never believe that the art of writing is beyond a literate person’s capability.
I shall never understand why humanity chooses to wage war.
I shall never believe peace is beyond the reach of humanity.
I shall never understand why losing a pound can be so difficult when gaining one is so easy.
I shall never believe my harming another person is justified.
I shall never understand why some people use words as weapons to hurt others.
I shall never believe verbal abuse is kinder than physical abuse.
I shall never understand how some of the rich can be heartless.
I shall never believe I cannot contribute to society.
I shall never understand how God chooses who receives blessings.
I shall never believe God causes tragedy to happen.
I shall never understand my own gift of the talent for writing.
I shall never believe that other people are less gifted than I am.

Now try this again using a feeling or state of mind in the form: ‘Hope is’, ‘Fear is’, ‘Determination is’, ‘Rage is’, ‘Disappointment is’, ‘Serenity is’, ‘I am afraid’, ‘I love’, ‘I’m angry because’, ‘I hope’, and so on.

I love my mother now so much more than I once believed possible.
I love my son, Alex, who is such a wonderful person.
I love my puppy dog, Hope, with all my heart.
I love writing from the heart of me.
I love reading the ideas and stories of other people.
I love learning.
I love drawing and painting.
I love listening to music.
I love the United States of America and the freedoms it represents.
I love having a laptop computer.
I love that God loves me.
I love driving, especially for long distances.
I love having an iPod to listen to on my walks with Hope.
I love libraries.
I love books.
I love having a comfortable home.
I love hot showers.
I love freshly washed clothes.
I love photography.
I love the freedom to say what I want to say.
I love the freedom to do what I want to do.
I love that no one runs my life anymore.
I love my warm bed.
I love having good friends who care about me.
I love dreams that come true.
I love good food to eat.
I love it when I have moments free of pain.
I love laughing.
I love nice clothes.
I love sweet surprises.
I love being me.

Exercise 1: Desert islands
From Writing Your Self 

(a)  What and who do you most miss and why. I miss my Mom. She is dependent on my help and I worry about her whenever we are separated. I love her very much and she is very important to me. I miss my computer because it is a communication tool I use daily. Without the computer I would be out of touch with many people I care about.

(b) What and who are you glad to have left behind. I am glad I do not have to deal with my sister-in-law Linda. We do not get along well and it would be a relief not to have to worry about pleasing her. I am glad the television would be left behind. I do not like television very much. I could definitely do without its intrusion in my life.

(c)  The two things you have been allowed to bring with you – why you chose them (nothing which requires electricity to make it work!) I would bring a notebook and pen so that I could record my experience and write poems. I would also bring Hope, my puppy dog, so that I would be less upset and more comfortable.

(d) How you would cope with solitude. I would be fine. I would spend time exploring the island with Hope. I would write about what I found on the island. I would take the time to write where I have not time for it when I am distracted by so many things in regular life. I would spend time meditating to improve my outlook.

I have not done one of these in quite a while. Life has been intruding on my time. I cannot find the last entry that had the books I had read so I am going back a bit on what I have read. That has been my major leisure time pursuit for quite some time. I have read the following books: The Book of Destiny by Carlos Burrios, this was about the Mayan predictions for 2012. It is not really the end of the world. Day After Night by Anita Diamant, which is about women in detainee camps after the concentration camps of the Nazis. It was very good. Angel Time by Anne Rice which was an excellent novel about a man who meets and angel. Fragment by William Fahy which was a decent book about a find that astounds the world. Homeland by Barbara Hambly which is a novel with letters from a woman in the north and one in the south during the Civil War. It was very good. Hardball by Sara Paretsky. A very good detective novel. Say You’re One Of Them by Uwem Akpan is a collection of short stories. Even though it was an Oprah Book Club pick I did not like it. It was overwhelmingly depressing and not good for anyone. The Case For God by Karen Armstrong is an excellent book about how the concept of God has developed through the ages. I highly recommend it. Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel is a novel about one of the men who lived during the time of Henry VIII. It is a very good novel and I would recommend it to anyone interested in the history of those times. Home For Christmas by Andrew M. Greely is an excellent novel about a soldier and his life. Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffeneggar is wonderful. It is a ghost story with a twist. Under the Dome by Stephen King is one of the best novels I have read in some time. This story rivals The Stand. A Christmas Promise by Anne Perry is a very good Christmas novel. "Only the Super-Rich can Save us" by Ralph Nader is a very good story. It is a fiction, but would be so wonderful if it were real. The Christmas List by Richard Paul Evans is a beautiful Christmas novel about redemption in a wayward world. The Memoirs of Mary Queen of Scots by Carolly Erickson is a great novel about the disposed queen and her life.

 

Alex came home over Thanksgiving and we had a very good visit. We met his girlfriend and she seems like a very nice girl. She is very pretty. I am glad he is seeing someone he met in real life and not just on the computer.

 

Mom is not doing very well. Her Parkinson’s Disease symptoms are getting worse and there is very little the medical community can do about it. I guess she is slipping into a permanent decline. I hate to see this as I love her so much. A couple of weeks ago she could not remember where Michael’s was or what kind of store it was and we have been there hundreds of times. I am worried about her, but can only continue to care for her as I do.

 

The pain I have in my legs and knees is not according to my orthopedist in my legs and knees but in the sciatic nerve. I am in a $550.00 back brace to help with it, but it does not seem to be doing a lot of good.

 

Mom got her new building, but we have not gotten much moved into it because of my pain. I hope soon that I will be able to carry more.

 

Mom wants to get rid of Ko-Ko because she has not trained to the paper very well. I want her here, but I do not know if I will be able to convince Mom to keep her. I love the little fur ball.

 

Alex is not coming home for Christmas. He is going to Pensacola with his girlfriend. That is last I heard anyway.

 

Mom got Cashback Rewards from Discover that we redeemed as Borders gift cards. She had $150.00 and she let me have some of them. I got the new Bible software GLO which is absolutely wonderful. It has video, pictures, artwork, KJV, NIV, NIV Study Bible and integrates  all kinds of helps. I love it and would recommend it to anyone interested in studying the Bible. I also got some writing books and a stuffed panda bear. These were my Christmas presents.

 

We have been very busy with doctor appointments and errands. I have tried to keep up with the postings in JournalWriting, but sometimes fall behind. I have not been journaling. I think I needed a break. Maybe after the New Year I will begin doing it daily again. I just cannot seem to do it all the time.

 

Hope the holidays are wonderful for everyone.

 

Always,

Jo Ann