Creative Journal – Entry Fifteen – Purpose

Monday, October 26, 2009

 

I have a purpose. I know I do, I just do not know what it is. J

 

One purpose I have is taking care of my Mom. I have been doing this for years, but now that James is gone, I have more responsibility. I promised James I would take good care of Mom and that is a sacred promise I must keep.

 

I have the purpose of being a loving mother to Alex. My role is changing as he moves closer to his girlfriend and further from me, but I must still be a supportive of him. It is difficult allowing his freedom without complaining about his lack of communication, but I must try not to feel abandoned.

 

I have the purpose of caring for Hope who is such a pleasure to me. I try to give her proper exercise and keep her happy. I also do a good bit of care for Penny and Ko-Ko, who are Mom’s puppy dogs. I have to give Penny medicine three times daily because she has congestive heart failure. She is eleven years old and requires extra care.

 

It is my purpose to try to show love to others in the world. I try to smile and be considerate of people I meet. I give encouragement to whomever I can. I am a good friend to those who are my friends.

 

Another of my purposes is to use my creativity in ways that might one day mean something. I try to improve my writing so that I can communicate more efficiently. I pursue artistic endeavors and attempt to improve my skills. I make an effort to bring beauty into the world. I share my gifts and talents that others may find pleasure in them.

 

Purpose is a word loaded with weight and meaning. Everything I do has purpose, but some things are less important than others are. I try to live my life to fulfill the purpose of showing care for people, creatures, and things in the world. It seems to me that the highest purpose is to live in loving harmony with everyone and everything. If I fulfill this purpose, my life has not been wasted even should I not achieve worldly success.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Fourteen – Confidence

Sunday, October 25, 2009

 

Confidence gives me the strength to do things I once thought impossible. I do not have very much self-confidence at times. People can intimidate me easily. I work toward being more confident regularly. I have found believing in myself often depends on my feelings about myself. If I feel good, I am more likely to exhibit self-confidence. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being influence my level of confidence. It is truly an integrated quality. If any one of these parts of my make-up is malfunctioning my self-confidence suffers. Doubt, feelings of guilt, or shame can seriously undermine my self-confidence.

 

My confidence is fragile and somewhat dependent on the opinions of others. If someone reacts toward me in a negative way, I often lose confidence. I try to project a good self-image, but I am in reality weak in this regard. I often feel insignificant, less than intelligent, unattractive, unlovable, mentally and emotionally unstable. A look or tone of voice can shatter my self-confidence.

 

My mother left with her best friend, June, again this afternoon. I called to be sure that they had reached their destination safely. Mom hurried off the phone and I wonder if she is mad at me for some reason. If I were as confident as I should be, I would not worry; I would simply think she is busy with her friends. She might have been watching one of her favorite television shows, but my first thought was that she is angry with me. I will not feel at peace until I hear from her again. I frequently experience this lack of confidence. I am often afraid I have done or said the wrong thing. Even with Mom who I know loves me very much I can become unconfident. She has the power to totally wreck my self-esteem. I know she means me no harm, but her perceived displeasure still frightens me.

 

I think the lack of confidence keeps me from achieving some of my dreams. I realize I am gifted, but do not see myself as talented enough to become what I wish. I am terribly afraid of making mistakes that will make others think badly of me. I know this limits me, but my perfectionism keeps me from accomplishing much of what I hope to do. By not putting my work out for review, I protect myself from rejection. I am attempting to overcome these obstacles to my success, but it is extremely difficult.

 

I have achieved a few worthy things in my life, but they do not seem to relate to accomplishing my dreams. Raising a son who is responsible and caring is wonderful, but I do not feel I had much to do with how he turned out. I think he is just a great person in and of himself. I published a magazine, but I never made much money from it. Original Creations was a labor of love and I could not continue it as I desired. I have sold some of my cards, but only to friends, so I do not feel they were a success. My poetry has been read on special occasions at church, but only because it related to the situation. I long to be recognized and appreciated.

 

I hope I can build my confidence and become a successful person.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

 

Creative Journal – Entry Thirteen – Loneliness

Saturday, October 24, 2009

 

Loneliness is simply a part of life. Even in a crowd, I can feel lonely. I feel alone sometimes simply because I do not feel I fit in with many people. Loneliness is not a terrible thing to me anymore. It is something I live with daily. I miss having a significant other in my life, but I no longer feel I am diminished by being alone. It is not fair to say I am alone, because usually my Mom is here. I have our three dogs to keep me company too.

 

I once thought loneliness a curse, but now I realize being on my own has advantages. Being able to do as I please without having to answer to another is nice. Mom and I are comfortable living together.

 

Loneliness used to drive me to do very impulsive things. I would jump into relationships without giving much thought to the man I was with. I would go to some extremes to make myself attractive to men. I am just me now. I do not put on a show anymore. I am simply myself wherever I am. I rarely to never wear make-up and do not color my hair. I am comfortable in my own skin. I still try to wear nice clothes, but I do not bother to go out of my way to appear sexy. I do not go out with the intention of meeting a man. I do not go anywhere specifically to troll for men. I am rarely out in public without my Mom. I get very nervous when I am out alone so I do not go out. I would like to have Hope certified as a companion dog so that I could carry her wherever I go in public. It would help me emotionally. I do not know exactly what it is that makes me uncomfortable when I am out alone, but I get frightened.

 

Loneliness is not my favorite feeling, but I no longer cry over it. I try to fill my time with pursuits that keep me busy. I read, write, draw, walk, snuggle with Hope, clean house, cook, talk to Mom, compute, surf the internet, talk on the phone, do other various things, and am rarely bored. I can entertain myself, so I am not lonely, just sometimes alone.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twelve – Justice

Friday, October 23, 2009

 

Sometimes there seems to be little justice in the world. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people do not get the punishments they should. People who lie, cheat, steal, or treat others badly receive rewards and become rich. Hard work is often overlooked and unrewarded. People are judged on appearance and not on merit.

 

People with mental illness do not receive justice. They are stigmatized and ostracized by society. Often they cannot get the help they need because they do not have financial means to provide it. Some go without much needed medication and therapy because they cannot afford these things. People judge the mentally ill as inferior, lazy, or playacting. Many, even family members; will not come to their aid. Insurance companies severely limit the care and services they will provide to those with mental disorders. Justice would treat mental illness like any other illness and provide adequate care for however long it was needed.

 

Elderly people do not receive justice. When there is often great need the elderly are not cared for properly. Their incomes are often very limited, but their needs rise in cost as they have more health problems. The programs put in place by the government do not meet their needs. They are left choosing between food and utilities or having proper medications and healthcare.

 

Justice is not always served in the courts. Sometimes criminals go free when they should serve time in prison. Often these people commit more crimes and do innocents harm.

 

Justice is a beautiful ideal, but it is not always administered with care. Sometimes people who serve our country are treated with disrespect and disregard. They protect us, but do not receive accolades and are instead disparaged and insulted.

 

Justice dictates that all human beings are treated with dignity, but often because someone is somehow different, they are mistreated. People discriminate against each other. All manner of differences drive people apart. When we cannot see a common ground between us, we do not fight for justice.

 

Only when love motivates us in all we do will justice truly be served.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

 

1. I am thankful for warmer weather after the cold we had earlier.

 

1. I am thankful Mom and June were able to enjoy a couple of days away in Pigeon Forge.

 

1. I am thankful Ko-Ko slept until 7:30 this morning.

 

1. I am thankful Alex called on Sunday. I had not heard from him in almost two weeks.

 

1. I am thankful I did not have to go to town while Mom was gone.

 

1. I am thankful I have been sleeping better this week.

 

1. I am thankful my copy of OneNote came on Monday. I had begun to worry it had been lost in shipping.

 

1. I am thankful for the vegetable soup and bologna and cheese sandwich I had for lunch.

 

1. I am thankful I am working on my creative journal every day.

 

1. I am thankful we have a can crusher and I no longer have to beat cans with a hammer.

Creative Journal – Entry Eleven – Peace of Mind

Thursday, October 22, 2009

 

Peace of mind is an elusive thing. Just when I think I have it something happens to cause upset and I have lost it again. I am more at peace now than I have been for many years. I am less emotional and more stable. Many of my memories have blurred and brought more peace, because they are not so vivid. Peace of mind means not having to worry that I might not have a place to live if I do not live up to someone’s expectations of me. Peace of mind is knowing that the important people in my life will continue being there for me. Alex being in Iraq tries my sense of peace. I worry about him, but it is not incessant.

 

My dog, Hope, brings peace of mind because she is always here for me. She loves me unconditionally and that is a rare thing in life. Walking with her outdoors brings peace. I can set my worries aside when we are walking and just live in that moment.

 

I used to worry a great deal about going to Hell. The hallucinations I had were often accusatory and told me I was damned. Even now, I have occasional dreams of being left behind at the rapture. These thoughts have often undermined my peace of mind. I thought I had been saved as a child, but last year I realized I did not really have a testimony so I committed my life to Jesus anew and was baptized again. I have found myself more at peace since doing this. I do not have as many nightmares and I do not worry as much about where I will go when I die. My doubts are less and I am usually at peace spiritually.

 

Peace of mind brings the ease to act with confidence. I can be sure of myself. It frees me to use my creativity. I am not constrained by guilt, shame, doubt, and worry. Life is enjoyable. I find pleasure in my experiences. I can express myself freely, without worry that I will be harshly judged.

 

I am not afraid when I am alone. I know that I am safe. I do not think of harming myself as often as I once did. I have attempted suicide in the past, but I rarely have that temptation anymore. I want to live and am quite happy with my life. Peace of mind usually permeates my days.

 

I know I am contributing to society even though I do not have a career. I provide constant care for my mother. I encourage my friends and family. I also try to lift up the people I meet in the wider world. I am generally kind. I write and reach out to others through my words. These things contribute to my peace of mind. Most of the time, I can believe I am a worthwhile individual; that my actions, thoughts, and opinions matter.

 

I am inspired to live at peace with all people, creatures, and things. I do what I can to make the world a better place. Peace of mind flows from these choices. I choose a comfortable, happy life. I do not always find peace, but when I am upset, I can usually calm myself by realizing that the bad times do not last.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Ten – Loved Ones

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

 

My loved ones are very dear to me. I wrote about some of them yesterday in my entry about friends. I consider Alex, Mom, and Leigh my closest friends as well as my dearest loved ones. Without these people, my life would be very hard to survive. They mean the world to me.

 

I have always considered Alex my greatest gift from God. Alex’s father wanted me to abort him, but I insisted that I have my baby. Fighting for Alex made him even dearer to me. It was difficult raising him, but I always felt he was worth every sacrifice. I am so glad we have remained close even though he is in the Marine Corps. Now he has a girlfriend so I do not hear from him as often as I did in the past, but I am glad he has someone who cares for him.

 

My Mom is a wonderful person. Over the years, she has helped me a great deal. I do not think I would have survived without my Mom. She rescued me from several situations that were dangerous for me. During my adult life, she has been a strong support for me. I love her more than words can express.

 

My niece, Leigh, has helped me on several difficult occasions. She and her husband have been a help to Alex when there was something I could not do for him. Even though Leigh’s father, my brother, Melvin, has nothing to do with Mom and I, she is loyal to us. She is willing to help us when we have a need that she can supply. I love her very much. Her children, Edith, Jesse, and Sydney are my great nieces and great nephew. I do not see them as often as I would like, but they are very important to me. I wish I had more money so that I could buy them more gifts.

 

My nephew, Jeremy, his wife, Christy, and their daughter, Jayden are very special. We are not close, but they mean a lot to me. I try to take pictures of the baby every time I see her. I hope she will grow up knowing me.

 

I still have feelings for two of my ex-husbands. Richard, Alex’s father, will always be special to me because of Alex. We are not close now, but we do talk occasionally. Tomorrow is Richard’s birthday so I will probably call him and wish him a good day. Jeff, my last husband, is still very important to me. He and I keep in touch through email and occasional phone calls. Until recently, when he got involved with another woman, we would see each other at times. Our families were against our being together and that put a lot of stress on our relationship. I miss Jeff still. He was the best of my three husbands.

 

I consider Hope a loved one even though she is a puppy dog. She is precious to me and I give her a great deal of affection. She returns all the love I give her. Hope has a calming effect on me when I am nervous or upset. I think I am happier because I have her in my life.

 

Reba is like a sister to me although we live far apart. We have loved each other almost since the beginnings of our lives. She is a unique person with a distinct personality. She is a very kind person and very generous with those for which she cares. Right now, she is facing some health issues and I wish I could be there for her. At least we can talk often on the phone and I can be supportive.

 

My brother, James, who died in March, is still beloved. I miss him. He and I did not always get along. In fact, he was quite abusive verbally and emotionally for some years. In his last months, we grew close and he began to respect me. He treated me kindly in the end and that is what most influences my feelings for him.

 

James’ wife, my sister-in-law, Linda does not like me very much. She and I have never gotten along well. Nevertheless, I do love her. She remarried James while he was dying and took good care of him. I have tried to show her that I care about her, but do not know how successful my efforts have been.

 

My loved ones are wonderful and I am fortunate to have them in my life.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Nine – Friends

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

 

I am fortunate to have some very good friends. Three of the people I count as very close friends are actually family: my son, Alex, my Mom, and my niece, Leigh. These three are very dear to me and we can share almost anything.

 

Alex calls me his very best friend, which I treasure because it tells how close we are. He called Sunday and it was so good to hear his voice. I have not mentioned it to anyone else, but he told me that he might come home before Thanksgiving. His tour in Iraq may end early. It will be wonderful if that happens. He shared some very personal things about his girlfriend with me, and I feel privileged that he confides in me. I am so glad that we have such a great relationship. Many parents do not enjoy such closeness with their young adult children. We have always been so closely involved in each other’s lives.

 

My Mom and I have become very close over the years. She and I share our private thoughts about things and do not judge each other. I am honored to have her consider me her dearest friend. I have learned so much from my Mom in recent years. Her insight and experience are great gifts to me. I love and respect her more than any other woman in my life.

 

My niece, Leigh, and I are very close. She is only ten years younger than I am so we have a lot in common. We talk often and share many of our concerns and opinions with one another. She is the only one of my three nieces that is in touch with me. I have had no personal contact with the others in many years. They have disowned my Mom and I as family. Leigh calls and I call her a lot. She and her family also visit from time to time. She is an extremely busy person. She has a job, goes to school, and cares for her husband and three kids.

 

My “best friend” Reba lives in North Carolina so we rarely see each other. Since I have unlimited long distance we talk often and keep up with what is going on in our lives. We have been friends since I was two. We share many secrets and experiences. I wish we lived in closer proximity so we could spend time together. I would love to be able to go out and do things with Reba. She is a fascinating person and very kind and generous.

 

I have some friends at church, but truly, they are more acquaintances. We are not very close and we do not go out to do things together.

 

One of my close friends died about three years ago. Since then his mother and I have become friends. She lives in another state so we hardly see each other, but we stay in touch by phone. I think we cling to each other because we feel closer to Sam when we talk. I miss him very much. He and I used to talk about books and everything else. We were well matched intellectually and enjoyed sharing our knowledge with each other.

 

I feel I have friends in the Journal Writing group. I share some of my most private thoughts with them as they do with me. The people in the group are supportive and even though we only know each other through our keyboards, I feel close to them. It is good that computers make it possible to befriend even people far away.

 

Friendship is a treasure and I love my friends a great deal. I hope and pray that all of them will have the best in life.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Eight – Hope

Monday, October 19, 2009

 

Hope gives incentive to carry on in even the worst circumstance. I have lived through many days simply because I had hope that the morrow would be a better day. When I think of hope, I think of achieving my dreams. Even though some dreams seem far off and impossible I continue to hope I will accomplish my goals.

 

I hope to become a widely published writer, but this dream does not seem very realistic. It is not because I lack talent that I think the hope unrealistic. It is because I am not actively pursuing the goal by sending my work out to publishers. Another thing that makes the hope less possible is that I have not been writing on a regular basis for some time. I must have work if I hope to become widely published. I have shared some of my poetry and essays with various people and they tell me I am very gifted and should be published, but my faith in myself is still not strong. I lack self-confidence. Hope can only carry a person so far, one must support the hope with action.

 

I try to encourage other people and give them hope. I use my words to build others up. I can easily give this gift even though I lack financial resources to help others. Sometimes the cards and letters I send help others a great deal. I like to think that by spreading hope that I make the world a better place.

 

My Mom’s middle name is Hope. From a very early age, I loved that name. When we were bringing my puppy home, we tried to come up with a name for her. Mom said, “Let’s name her Hope, because we hope James will not make us get rid of her.” Therefore, that became my puppy dog’s name. She brings much hope and joy into my life and her name suits her well. James wanted me to be rid of her and even threatened to kill her several times, but Hope remains with me. When I call Hope or think of her name it reminds me to have expectation of good things. She is a good influence on me.

 

Hope and faith carry me into the future. When things are very bad I cling to hope. Dire circumstances do not extinguish hope, but make it stronger. Hope is essential to my life, without it I could not survive. It gives me courage in spite of adversity. Hope brings me out of dark places where I could not exist without its light. It helps me weather life’s storms. When there is danger, hope helps me overcome. Hope supports my belief that things will continue to get better. When I am lonely, hope comforts me. Loneliness can be very hard to bear and hope helps me face being on my own. Even though my Mom is with me most of the time, I still feel lonely at times. I long for companionship and hope that one day I will again have someone who loves me. I hope people can accept me even though I have problems. I know I am not as successful as many others, but I still hope I can be friends with others and have a partner again.

 

Hope helps keep me from deep depression. It does not completely eliminate feeling downhearted, but it does lessen the depth of those feelings. I am more stable because of my hopes. Hope is a wonderful asset to have in my life. It gives me a lot of happiness.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Six – Place

Saturday, October 17, 2009

 

The place that is dearest to me is my home. I know I do not own it, but it is where I belong. Mom left everything to me in her will so one day this place will be mine. I am not looking forward to that time. I hope Mom is here another twenty years. I do not know what I will do without her. Mom supports me emotionally and helps me feel secure. I pay for all my food, things, and pay Mom some money to help with household expenses. She helps me with things I could not afford on my own and I pay her back over time. I do not have the income to pay the utilities here without her. I will not worry about all that now, time enough to worry about it when the time comes.

 

Our home is very cluttered, but it is comfortable. This is the place where I can relax and do as I wish most of the time. I have to do most of the cleaning and maintenance, but I do not mind. Living on thirty acres is nice. No one visits us unless we invite them and no strangers come this far off the road to annoy us. I can walk Hope without worrying about traffic. The driveway is gravel so I cannot walk as fast as I could on pavement, but it is okay. I like being off the beaten path. Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in the city, but the advantages to living in the country outweigh the disadvantages.

 

I have had homes of my own in the past, but the three marriages that gave me that freedom did not work out. Getting married at sixteen was not a good idea and did not last very long. Getting married to a man who did not want a baby and wanted a two-year trial marriage was not a bright thing to do. My last marriage was too perfect to last. I just do not do well in relationships, maybe part of it is because I was abused as a child and do not relate to men in the best ways. I can be needy and that does not appeal to men. I think that I am much more balanced now than I was in the past, but I do not face the stresses of trying to please a man.

 

My home allows me to have a puppy dog and Hope is a wonderful companion. She is much like a child to me. When I am away from home, I look forward to coming back and being greeted by Hope. Things here are not perfect, but it is close enough to put me at ease. I wish there were more space, but I am fortunate to live here. If my Mom had not offered to let me move in with her nine years ago, I do not know what I would have done. I was not in a good place emotionally or mentally. I have recuperated and grown strong here. I provide services for Mom that would cost her a lot of money if she had to hire someone to help her. Having Parkinson’s Disease makes it so she needs someone here 24/7, to make sure she does not get hurt or fall alone. I have had to go outside and help her up when she had a mini-stroke and fell down. Had she been alone she might have lay there for hours and could have been attacked by wild animals. We have foxes, coyotes, possums, raccoons, deer, feral cats, buzzards, hawks, and all manner of wild things here.

 

I am fortunate to live in a place where I can have many books. Books are so central to my life. I am an avid reader. This year I have read forty-five books. I think I would have read more, but until March, we had to care for my brother almost daily. I also read less when I am using the computer more. Today I finished reading Hitler’s War by Harry Turtledove. This was an alternate history novel and I enjoyed it very much. I will be watching out for the coming novels in this series. Harry Turtledove is a master of alternate history. I have been reading his books since the eighties.

 

Home is definitely where my heart is. I am blessed to have such a good place to stay. I am safe here and do not have to worry that anyone will kick me out or take away my place to stay.

 

Always,

Jo Ann