I finally returned from my adventures in town. I am exhausted. I am not cooking, I am vegetating in front of the computer for the rest of the day. I went to bed at 1:30AM and woke at 7:10AM after Mom called me to take Alex to the bus. For some odd reason the screeching alarm clock did not make a peep this morning. Darn thing is undependable. When I returned from the bus stop I promptly returned to my cozy bed. Got up at 9:00AM. Got everything together to go to Mom’s appointment. We got there at 10:40AM and did not have to wait hardly at all. The appointment was set at 11:00AM, but we were in the room and seeing the doctor by that time. I was amazed.

 

We ate lunch at Arby’s. We went to Ross and returned something Mom had bought that was broken. Why we never noticed this in the store I do not know, but sometimes you just don’t notice stuff until you get it home. Things jumped in my cart again. It was disgusting, but I have a new Van Gogh book to explore, you did not know I adore Van Gogh. He is one of the only modern painters I really admire. My other favorite artists are Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo. After we did all the damage we could in Ross we still had time to burn so we went to another money trap: Borders. I avoid Borders most of the time because I know it is dangerous, but Mom suggested it and I thought I might be able to exert some kind of control. I am so naïve and stupid sometimes. They had new books in the writing section. I thought they would not, but was wrong. So I came out of there somewhat poorer than I went in. We still had time before her appointment so we went to Wal-Mart for groceries. I managed to get out of there with just the necessities this time. The bill was almost $100.00 which is not too bad for a week, sometimes it is $150.00.

 

We arrived at the hospital about twenty minutes earlier than necessary, but we went straight back to processing. By 4:00PM we had completed check-in and Mom was on her way back to have her test done. I was surprised by this unusual efficiency in the medical system. I am accustomed to having to wait extraordinary long lengths of time for appointments. I read a chapter in Page after Page by Heather

Sellers, one of my new acquisitions. I looked up and Mom was coming out the door.

 

The drivers on the way home were crazy. Several cars cut in front of me with a narrow margin of clearance. I did manage to get us safely home. We unloaded the car and I stowed everything away. I logged onto the computer and here I sit. I wish I had a Bacardi 151 and Diet Coke over ice, will have to settle for the cola alone. Drinking being disallowed in this residence. I am listening to Dark Side of the Moon which is one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs. I will be back later. Right now I am going to make my rounds to other blogs.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Ah, completed a few of my online lessons. I have a lot of catch up to do to complete the courses by March 25.

 

I used Painter to do a digital watercolor that I posted in My Art. I had difficulty uploading it. MSN crashed several times. I hate it when it does that. Alex says that MSN is the devil, he will not load the program on his computer.

 

He uses ThinBrowser, skipping Internet Explorer even. He is a geek… wants to learn programming so he can take over things. I cannot afford the programs though. He knows HTML and can build web pages from scratch. Alex has been using computers since he was three. The kid knows all sorts of things about the machines. Sometimes he fixes my problems, though I sometimes fix his too. He is a smart kid.

 

I have a lot to do tomorrow so I may not post to my blog until late evening. I have to take Mom to her neurologist in the morning. In the afternoon I have to take her to the hospital for the MRA. I am taking a book. Hopefully I will make some progress on my reading. I am going to miss being here.

 

Everyone have an excellent Thursday!

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Uploaded some photos I scanned into the computer. I am thinking I may have to get another blog just to hold pictures. That would be interesting. Like Chronicles II… I won’t have to do it for a while yet. The storage limit for photos should be larger.

 

I checked out all the other schemes for my Space and decided as I did initially that I liked this one best out of the choices. So it looks like this presentation will remain. I will just have to be content.

 

I am freezing for some odd reason. I think there must be a draft from the windows behind the computer. It is really cold outside, but there was not any freezing precipitation today. It was beautiful outside, but I did not stay outside long.

 

Cooking steak, rice, and sugar snap peas for supper. Should be good. I just hope I get the steak right. Sometimes I cook it medium well instead of medium rare like we prefer it. It is hard to judge cook times with the oven. It is quite old. Got the steaks almost right. Letting Alex do kitchen clean up tonight. I cooked, so he can put everything away in the dishwasher.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Had to find several important letters for Mom. She acts like someone moves her stuff around when it is only herself doing it.

 

I did a drawing and added it to My Art. I think I may try something else later. The one I drew did not turn out as good as I would have liked.

 

I visited other blogs. Interesting reading.

 

I am thinking of changing the color scheme on Chronicles, so if you come in and find something totally different don’t be shocked. I am one of those people who changes the wallpaper on their computer daily. I like variety. Nothing remains static. If I get complaints I will probably change back. I wish we could make our own themes. That would be neat.

 

I have not tackled the online classes yet. Nor have I started my homework from my counselor. I am procrastinating. I have a terrible habit of doing that. One of my major faults. Between procrastination and perfectionism I can hardly accomplish anything at all. Oh, I do okay on everyday things, but when it comes to creative stuff it is so hard.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

Went to sleep around 1:30AM and got up when the screeching alarm clock went off at 7:00AM. Took Alex to the bus in the 25 degree cold. I preheated the car, but it was still not very warm.

 

When I came back I logged on to the internet, but Mom called me, she had realized that she lost her Discover Card yesterday. We searched everywhere here, and called the store where she used it, no card. I called Discover and cancelled the card. There were thankfully no unauthorized purchases on it. This leads me to think it is somewhere here, but Mom is so good at losing things that I may never find it. She is getting really irresponsible, and she can not seem to admit that she needs someone to watch over her. I try, but sometimes I just can not monitor everything she does. It is not fair that this is happening to her. Getting older and having health problems sucks! I want to die young.

 

One of the men from our church is going to visit Mom. I think I will avoid contact. I really am not inclined to enjoy such visits. He is a minister, and sometimes that makes me uncomfortable. My views just do not correspond with lots of such types.

 

I think I am going to try to do something artistic today. I have not engaged in that sort of activity in sometime.

 

I need to work on my online classes today too. I am far behind on those. Plus I have homework from my counselor. Busy day ahead.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

I went to bed at 1:00AM and woke to the alarm at 7:00AM. I really did not want to leave the house, but had to take Alex to the bus stop. I came back and curled up in bed until 9:00AM. I still did not want to come alive, but got moving slowly. I am not a morning person. I do not think I ever will be. Mornings and I don’t speak to each other, I can not tolerate it.

 

A little before 10:00AM Mom and I left for my 11:00AM appointment with my counselor. We got there twenty-five minutes early. I waited impatiently during the intervening time. When Mom is with me I usually do not read, but there was not a lot to talk about either.

 

My counselor and I had a really good session. She helped clarify my thinking on several points. We discussed feelings more and she gave me homework again.

 

Mother’s leather coat tore today, so she wanted to go to SAM’s to look for one. We dropped by her primary care physician’s office to pick up samples and the orders for her test. The office was closed so we went to SAM’s. She did not find any coats as I had told her all of them were gone because they have spring and summer clothes out. I wound up buying some stuff. Batteries for my insatiable mouse, blank books to collect, socks for my footsies, and a 3 Doors Down CD for Alex.

 

We went to pick up the pizzas I had called in from my appointment. Stopped back by the doctor’s office and picked up the meds and orders. Mom decided she wanted to go to Ross. Now this was something I really should have avoided, but she whined… I found sunglasses on the way to the back of the store and said I had to have those. Calvin Klein’s similar to my Gargoyles that got broken a year ago, $95.00 glasses for $16.00, a must. Then the clearance aisle attacked me. All kinds of things jumped into the buggy. I had to go back to the front of the store for a second cart because both her stuff and mine would not fit in one. I am hopeless, money just disappears for me. I really need help. I think other than the sunglasses that I needed nothing I bought. Stores are too dangerous. I will hate myself later this week.

 

We came home and I called the hospital to make Mom’s appointment for her test. No one but me can use the phone to make appointments. I unpacked all my stuff. I have yet to find a place for all of it. This room is like a small specialty shop. I should go on EBAY and sell some stuff, but I have not figured out how to manage that. Too, I like my stuff.

 

We all had pizza for supper, so I did not have to cook tonight. YAY!

 

I logged on the computer and visited lots of blogs. Interesting posts out there today. I fixed two weeks of medication for Mom.

 

So now I am posting this. It has been quite a day. MSN crashed on me twice this evening, but that is better than sometimes.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

The office called about Mom’s sonogram on her neck. There are 40% to 60% blockages in her arteries on both sides of her neck. I have to go pick up orders tomorrow for her to get a MRA done. They said this test is similar to a MRI, I have never heard of it. I think this time they will do surgery. This is somewhat scary to me. I hope it all works out well. I don’t even know who her doctor will be for this yet. It would seem to me that removing these blockages might alleviate some of the small strokes she has so often.

 

Mom does not want me to tell my niece about the results of her test because she does not want my brother who no longer speaks to us to know about her health. This effectively puts me in the middle again, and I do not like it. My niece is such a dear friend to me and she cares about Mom, so it would seem to me only right to tell her. If she then tells my brother, so what? He ought to quit being asinine anyway. He only has one mother and she is not doing well. My family is so good at playing games, and I am so tired of the bull. If I could I think I would move to Alaska and leave them back here for good. I want to be close to all of them because I love them all, but they are crazy makers. It never fails that I get punished for their antics. The primary players are all older than me, why don’t they grow up? ARWG.

 

I cooked, but am still full from our late lunch. I do not think I am going to be able to eat much. I tried to get out of the cooking, but Alex seemed to want me to do it, so I did. He ate all his food and asked if there was more meat so I guess he liked what I fixed. He had four thin sliced pork chops, broccoli rice au gratin, and baby carrots, that should have been enough.

 

It is pouring outside, and they say that the temperatures are supposed to drastically drop overnight. Should be fun driving tomorrow if there is any ice.

 

Penny is under the desk giving my feet and legs a tongue bath, and I already showered tonight. Penny loves me. If people loved like dogs, without condition, I think the world might be a nicer place. That reminds me, you should really read this book: DOGSPELL   A Dogmatic Theology on the Abounding Love of God  by: Mary Ellen Ashcroft. It is a short little book, but very good. My counselor who recently left county mental health to move on to a private practice gave it to me about a year ago. I miss her, though we still email sometimes. It is good that I had another counselor and was not left without support. Counselors have been a godsend in my life over the recent years. They have helped me through a lot. I honestly don’t understand how most people do without them.

 

I was wondering today, is there some way to back up what we post to our blogs? I would like to keep what I have posted on here just in case something went wrong and MSN lost my blog. I mean with MSN you never know, it could happen. If anyone knows I would appreciate the information.

 

I may be back in a little while.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

It is Monday, but it does not feel like Monday because Alex is home from school. I like days when he gets to stay home, because he is my best buddy and I feel like public school is just organized day care anyway. He learns more when he is with me. I home-schooled Alex for a year back when he was in third grade. The child never liked public school again and says most of what he learned that is important, like how to learn, he got in that one year with me. I had a breakdown and could not continue at the time, and my family felt like socialization was too important for me to do it again when I was able. Alex wishes I had home-schooled him more. I do too, I think it would have meant so much to both of us and I figure he would have learned much more.

 

Went to bed at 2:00AM and woke from a bad dream at 11:00AM. I unfortunately have a lot of nightmares. I am glad I do not always remember them.

 

I surfed around to some of my favorite blogs. I think I am going to have to add some more to my list here. Seems like I keep meeting interesting people on Spaces. This network is incredible. I cannot express how much this experience has meant to me. I had a web site before, but the community here means so much more. Blogging brings people into your life and makes them friends as you share your lives with one another. That makes it very special. I never imagined I would feel so supported because of blogging in cyberspace. I mean I always knew computers were excellent tools for interaction, but not since I was on Prodigy in the early nineties have I felt part of a community on-line. I wish I was as comfortable with "real" social interaction as I am on here.

 

I am going to finish reading Thunder and Lightning today. I only had four pages left when I had to go to bed because my eyes were closing on me. This book was an incredibly fast read. Natalie has a magical quality to her writing.

 

Mom cooked home-made french fries for our lunch and put onions in mine. I love such things. Reminds me of going to Six Flags as a kid and eating fries in the park. Those days were lots of fun and some of my earliest independent experiences. I had season passes all through my pre-teen and teenage years. I remember the loneliness that I felt there at times too, though. I never was easy with strangers.

 

I remember my first year in kindergarten. Every day that year I would cry for an hour or so after mother left me, because I was afraid she would not come back. Afraid that something awful would happen and I would never see her and my family again. I think that separation anxiety has something to do with my irrational adult fear that everyone will go to heaven in the rapture and I will be left behind. I know I hate that feeling. You know in hindsight I think if the adults in my life had been a little more aware that someone might have realized something was going on with me at an early age. My behavior was not exactly normal.

 

I will try to come back later with something more inspirational.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

I now have five books I have begun reading. I have owned Natalie Goldberg’s Thunder and Lightning since it first came out, but I never read it until now. Natalie’s other books on writing helped fuel a lot of work I have done in the past, so today I decided to pull this book out and read it. It is superb.

 

I think my creative block has a lot to do with not being brave enough to expose myself on the page. I am not as comfortable with myself as I should be. I tend to denigrate my work. I hoped that writing here on my blog would ease me into creative work, maybe it still will. I don’t know.

 

What seems most true for me is that writing helps me stay grounded. I can look at what I have written and understand myself more intimately. Yet sometimes when I write creatively and come back in a while I do not recognize my work as my own. It seems like something written by someone else. This disjointedness is disconcerting. I have even had some friends read some of my poems to me years after they were written and not realized they were mine. Sometimes things just come and I am the vessel pouring creation out. I am grasped by inspiration then left alone to my own devices. It is a mystery to me.

 

I am going to free write and explore a prompt from Just Journal For Fun:

 

You have a purpose… what is it?

 

That is a huge question, and I do not have a definitive answer.

 

I am a mother, so I have the responsibility to raise my son, but that is almost done now. I do not know how to measure the accomplishment. He seems to be a wonderful human being, but I do not think I can take credit for that.

 

I am a daughter, so I have a responsibility to help care for my mother as she ages and becomes less able to care for herself. I try my best to accomplish this.

 

Back to the question of my purpose.

 

I am a creative person so I must create, but sometimes I do not produce anything of merit for long periods of time. What good are the meanderings of my mind anyway? I do not think my writing or art could be considered a real purpose. A purpose denotes importance, and I really do not see where my creative work has any validity beyond myself.

 

Purpose?

 

I know I must have one, because otherwise I would not be here, but a definition alludes me. I know I try to be a kind, loving person who does at least some good in the world, but I make many mistakes. Sometimes despite my good intentions I am misunderstood and my plans do not work. I strive to learn and grow, but that is just life. You keep developing or you die.

 

I guess I just have to accept that I do have a purpose and hope that I accomplish something of worth in life, because right now I can not come up with a definition.

 

Well, I guess that is all I have to say just now.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

Feminine hygiene products are difficult for me. I think it all relates to my first experience with them.

 

I was very young, maybe five. I don’t remember how long my father’s touching me and having me touch him had been going on. I really don’t remember my younger years too clearly. I think I blocked a lot of it out, to be able to cope. I know it has taken lots of therapy and hard work to be able to express anything about the sexual abuse I survived. I could not talk about it much until after Daddy died.

 

One night he had been touching me and I got up to go to the bathroom. When I looked down I was bleeding. I know now that he had probably penetrated my hymen with his fingers, but at the time I was scared. I called Mama and she came to the bathroom, when she saw the blood she must have been very confused. She told my father and he said that I must be starting my menstrual periods. Mama thought I was really young, but she was naïve enough to believe this story. She went and bought pads and a belt for me to wear. I remember how uncomfortable it was. I also remember how that box of sanitary pads stayed in the closet for years, with me seeing it from time to time and feeling ashamed.

 

 Shame is always what I feel when I buy such things. I wish I could get over it, but that seems impossible for me. I do not really feel good about myself even after so many years.

 

I found out a few years ago that my father also abused my nieces. I did not know this. I knew I was not the only one because in the 80’s he was convicted of child molestation and had to do some time in jail, but I never told anyone what had happened to me and continued to be done to me until the man’s death. See, I loved Daddy, and did not want him to be punished. He had so often told me that there was nothing wrong with what he did. I did not believe him because I knew it made me feel dirty, but I wanted to protect him.

 

A few months ago Alex came to me and told me that my father had done inappropriate sexual things to him too. I was so angry. For the first time in my life I hated my father. Now, I am back to forgiveness, but it tortures me that maybe had I said something others would have been spared abuse.

 

My brother who is father to my nieces only learned about the abuse that happened to his girls recently. He wants to kill my father, but he is dead, so revenge on him is out of the question. He got the idea into his head that my mother knew what had gone on, and he wanted to punish her. I had often wondered if Mom knew what happened to me, but I doubted it, because I could not imagine her letting it go on. When my brother threatened to confront mother about his girls, I finally went to Mom and told her what had happened to me. I asked her if she knew, and she told me no. I do not understand how she did not know, but I believe her. I stood up for her with my brother, and now he no longer speaks to me. I hope one day he can forgive, and move beyond his anger.

 

One of my counselors says that my schizophrenia is the diathesis stress model of the disease. She says part of what I suffer from is post-traumatic-stress-syndrome, and this makes sense. If I had not been so horribly misused maybe I would never have gotten sick.

 

I still love my father, but there are a lot of ambivalent feelings attached to my thoughts of him. Sometimes I have thought of him as the devil, but I know he was just a very sick mortal man. Sometimes I have difficulty with the concept of a loving father God, because my concepts of father are so skewed.  I forgave my father long ago for what he did to me. I kept the secret to protect he and my mother, and because I felt so guilty myself. I wish no one else ever had to go through the torture I have lived through, but it still happens and unfortunately sometimes no one knows except for those involved.

 

I hope I offended no one. This is not an easy story to tell, but if it could help one person, it is worth it.

 

I’ve been debating writing this a while. I hope I was not wrong.

 

Always,

Jo Ann