Category: Journal Writings

Second Try…

Well, that royally sucks. I just did a long blog entry, was ready to post it, and MSN crashed. I lost the whole thing. Sometimes I truly hate MSN, even though I have been a member of the service for over four years now. Teach me to write my entries in the new email window, not ever again. I am going to try using One Note. I would use Word, but it tends to do funky things to the formatting.

 

I had some truly good thoughts written out too. Maybe I can recap. I do not know how good it will be the second time around. I am not blessed with a photographic memory like some more fortunate people I have come to know on Spaces. You will however miss out on the link I had started with because I am afraid to open MSN until I need it.

 

I went to bed at 12:30AM and awoke to Mom calling me at 7:04AM. The screeching alarm clock failed to wake me again. If I can afford it the next time we go shopping I am buying a new alarm clock. It is too bad you can not check the annoyance factor in store. I need a really annoying alarm. I was thinking maybe I could get an alarm with a CD player and buy Cat Scratch Fever to play in it really loud. That should wake me, heck it should wake the dead. I have memories of my first ex playing that song at extreme volume and how it always set my teeth on edge. Those first notes are totally effective at getting my attention.

 

I went to my orthodontist today to have my retainers checked. I was in braces while Alex was, although mine came out a little earlier. The retainers are doing fine and the doctor noticed that I have lost some weight. He said I looked great, which was really nice. People are beginning to notice and that makes me feel good. I struggle with my weight a lot because of the medications I must take. Any noticeable progress is significant.

 

I cooked pork chops, baby carrots, and rice this evening. I came back in front of the computer to eat and my food got cold before I finished it.

 

I think I am totally addicted to the internet. When I am away from the computer I miss it and I want to rush back to it. I could have a worse compulsion, but this one needs monitoring. I really never thought I would come to like blogging so much. I started this blog on January 17 and have made at least one entry every day since. That was my original intention to write daily. I do not have as many visitors as most of the other Spaces I visit. The counter finally turned over 1000 hits today, which is a blip compared to my favorite blogs, but I felt really good about it. That means some people are actually reading what I have to say. If I don’t make my evening post before late I feel my day is lacking. Tonight I am going to be pressed to get it done.

 

I have more to say, but must post this before midnight so it goes on the right day.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

Spoke too soon…

Well, he did not call. I guess he reconsidered. Maybe he is just busy, but it is okay anyway. I tend to overanalyze things and think too much. I am not going to worry over it… occupies too much brain power that can be used elsewhere.
 
I have been reading more in The Mind Map Book. I find it fascinating. I have been using this technique in very primitive form for years and wanted to learn more about it. The brain science part of the book is quite informative though some of the stuff seems really familiar. I read so much that sometimes I do not recall where I came upon information. My recall is not perfect. I wish it were, but am not so blessed. I am very fortunate I still have a functional brain, even if some of it gets a little strange sometimes.
 
I did not cook tonight. Still recovering from yesterday. Haven’t the energy to cook.
 
This whole trauma thing may take some time for me to get over. I am still typing poorly because my mind does not seem to have its normal control over my hands. I am still very nervous and my thinking is not so clear as usual. I am coping though. I have been through worse, much worse…
 
I probably should go. I have to take my meds and get ready for bed.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Checking In…

I went to bed around 1:30AM and woke up at 10:00AM. I had some of the strangest dreams of which some of them were very violent. I think yesterday got to me on really deep levels. I am still recuperating, probably will be for several days.
 
My arm and hand are very sore. The tension has built up in my neck and shoulders so that I wish I had a masseuse. Yet, I am very grateful that Alex and I are apparently going to be able to remain here with mother.
 
When Alex left and went to my brother’s yesterday he was so upset that he did not think to knock on the door and just walked into my brother’s house. My brother began to rake him over the coals. I think this was partly because the witch had called up there before my son reached my brother’s. Anyway, he said that Alex was well on his way to being just like me. Useless and lazy and a liability to others. This and his general rudeness caused Alex to feel betrayed because he had gone to my brother for help. That is why he came home and did not want to talk for some time. It was not because he was upset with me. Alex has begged my brother to be more considerate to him and he refuses to give my son any respect.
 
I have a very dysfunctional family and I am always the one who catches the blame for all the problems. I know I have problems, but they are a big part of mine, and I am not the cause of all of theirs. Everyone has issues in life, we can deal with them or cause hurt to others because of them. I try to deal with mine best I know how. That is why I continue in therapy. Most of my family thinks I am just taking advantage of other people and that my counselors and psychiatrists are fooled by me. This makes it hard to understand that others are genuinely trying to help me. It also stigmatizes the care I receive. I wish I did not need help, but sincerely believe that I do.
 
Mom says that she is not mad at me over what happened yesterday, but that she just did not know what to do when I begged her to make the witch leave. She felt caught in the middle, which I can relate to very well. Mom’s situation is that if my brother dies, which he may because he has lung cancer, that she will have to deal with my nephew and by extension his mother the witch, because they will be in charge of my brother’s estate which includes the care of my mother insofar as she can see it. My brother is the person on her accounts and the property is in his name though Mom and Dad bought it and suchlike. The rest of the family thinks I might take advantage of mother had I any control which is ludicrous, but they believe me to be the scum of the earth because I am on disability and do not have a "Real" job. What I do for Mom on a daily basis is totally discounted by them, but if I fail to do something I catch hell.
 
The dynamics of all of this are so convoluted that it is very confusing to live in these conditions and very stressful. There are contributing factors to all this that I have not discussed here yet… I will get to it eventually. I sort of hate to write it all out because so much of it is dark and negative. That was not my intention for this blog. Although I believe my story deserves telling, I am not totally sure this is the correct medium in which to do it. Part of my intention for doing this was to motivate me to write everyday… because I have not been very consistent in that endeavor for quite a while. My counselors have the blog address so they may check in as they have time… but most of what I have found to write about is my life… and it is not always a pretty picture. I am not sure anyone is really interested in all my trials and triumphs, but I hope that there is enough here to provide something to think about… I hope too that my opinions and observations do not offend anyone. I think we can celebrate differences between us and maybe become more understanding of others through communication… Writing out my thoughts and experiences helps me understand myself and brings fresh insight too.
 
Well, that seems to be all for now.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

The War…

I am still here… I really was afraid I might not be able to stay… I’ve been crying for hours and feel completely wiped, but I will be alright. I called my counselor and she talked me down from being such a wreck, and I went for a long walk outside and that helped a lot. My stomach aches, my chest hurts, and I have a headache, but I still have a place to call home.
 
I was personally attacked by my ex-sister-in-law. It will take a bit to explain what happened and I may cry again, but I will try. Firstly she has done this before, but before I have not gotten quite so upset. She attacked me right before the election because I am a democrat. She is obviously a very opinionated republican. If you don’t agree with her views you are one of the party who wants to send our country to hell.
 
I should have known to stay in my room today when she and mother started debating politics, but I did not. My frigging mistake. When she started praising the current administration’s policies I reacted. She said that this administration is working for separation of Church and State and I disagreed. I said that they were trying to cut social programs and make the church take care of the people who need such aid. I feel this is what the faith-based initiative is all about, my opinion and I am in my own home. She said, "Oh, what are you afraid that you’ll stop getting your little check form the government and have to go out and get a real job." I was hurt by her disrespect and my emotions took over. I said, "No, and if I was able I would have a real job." Which is very true, I have a serious psychiatric condition, and though I manage pretty well in normal situations I am not good at handling stress and tend to get overly upset about small things. My family other than my mother, son and one of my nieces tend to be less than understanding of my condition. In fact my oldest brother has even told my son that I am defrauding the government because I am too lazy to work. Which I feel he had no right to say, since I am under psychiatric care and see my counselor weekly to keep me able to cope, especially he should not have said it to my son. But anyway, back to my ex-sister-in-law, she laughed at me, and then said, "Well then who do you think is affected by the cuts?" I said my son, my mom, me and thousands of other people." She said, "Yeah me, that is all you worry about, me me me." At this point I pointed my finger at her and shook it, "You have no right to speak to me that way." She jumped up and grabbed my arm and pushed me, then she tried to break my finger. I began to fight back. My Mom jumped up and tried to separate us. She got scratched in the process as did I. We separated and I called her my ex-sister-in-law a bitch. She called me a little whore… I said, "Well you’re one too." Then I told her to get out of my house. She said, "NO, and you don’t have a right to tell me that. Do you pay rent here?" I said, "Yes, I do, get out of my house." She said, " Well, is your name on the deed?" I said, "No. but it is my home too, so leave." She refused and yelled at me some more about my having no rights.
 
Mom did not make her leave, and I felt betrayed because I had been attacked in my own home. The bickering continued and she was yelling at me to "Shut up." Alex finally came out of his room and got between us. He calmly asked her not to tell me to shut up and my-ex-sister-in-law made a snide remark at him and told him to tell me to shut up then. He said, "I will not tell my mother to shut up and you should not either."
 
Then he left the house and got in my car and swept gravel everywhere leaving to go to my brother’s house. Meanwhile I went back to my room and called my best friend. I asked her if all this abuse should have been heaped on me. She knows my ex-sister-in-law and wondered what the hell was her problem.
 
I then began to cry and called my counselor, but only got to leave a message. The bitch was still in the house laughing and having a good time with Mom. I stayed in my room with the door shut. eventually I had to go to the refrigerator to get a coke. Mom asked me if Alex was back yet. I said no because I did not see the car. Mom told me I better go look for him because he had left my brother’s house. I went outside and saw the car, but not my son. I looked up and spotted him lying in the bed of mother’s truck. He told me that my brother had fussed him out and disrespected him again, and he did not want to talk to me right now. I went to the trampoline and cried some more, because now I felt like Alex disliked me, too.
 
Eventually I went back inside and straight to my room. Mom answered the phone because I was afraid to because it might be my brother. It was my counselor and I told her the whole story through my tears. She offered support and told me every thing was going to be okay, even though I was scared that my brother might come kick me out any moment. We have a session Tuesday. The witch finally left and my counselor talked to my Mom. She kinda wants Mom at my next session, but I am not sure about this… my counselor says I don’t have to decide right now. She says whatever I decide about that is okay.
 
There is more that transpired this evening, but I am still shaking and have made more typos than ever before. So I am going to stop there for now. Will you say a prayer for me, please, because I am not doing so well tonight. 
 
I really am sorry all this happened, partly because it hurt me more than anyone else, and partly because such actions and words are so below me.
 
I better go now. Thanks for reading.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Tense Situation…

This seems like an invasion of privacy to me: Kansas Prosecutor Demands Files on Late-Term Abortion Patients. Next the government will say they have the right to see anyone’s medical records for any reason they so choose.
 
Well something just happened that may mean I have to leave here. If I do I may not be able to blog anymore. I will try to relate what happened later if I have the chance.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Final Installment of The Tale of My Third Ex…

I am back. Vacuumed the house and started a load of whites. Now I guess I have no excuse but to finish the story about my third ex-husband.
 
After I lost my twin baby girls we got along fine for a few months although I was very hurt by all I had been through. There was a lot of stress over money matters because his other ex-wife was not paying the child support she owed for their teen-aged son. All my money, disability income, was being used for the household and we were still running short. One day just before his son’s graduation I decided to write his ex a note. I had been expressly told to leave the situation alone, but I thought maybe expressing my feelings about what she was doing would make a difference. Needless to say she went ballistic and called him to tell him that he could not see his daughter anymore. He got extremely angry and kicked Alex and I out of the house. This was in 2000 and that night I took an overdose and tried to off myself. Alex called 911 and probably saved my life. I had to drink that disgusting charcoal fluid and was admitted to the psych ward. Alex went to stay with my second brother. While I was in the hospital I saw my favorite psychiatrist who was there to see other patients and asked him if he would be my doctor again. I had been under care of the county mental health psychiatrist, but wanted to see my favorite. He agreed and became my doctor again. This was an excellent development.
 
While in the hospital I refused to wear an armband. The staff told me if I did not wear it I could not have my medication. I told them that was fine… I did not want the medication anyway. They decided I could go without the armband and have my medication too. This was a victory of sorts because psych wards are generally very de-humanizing. I also caused some amazement because I wanted to wash my hair and shave everyday as I normally do. The nurses seemed to think this was an inconvenience for them because they had to check out the shampoo and razor to me each day. These are controlled items on a psych ward. You cannot have them for more than a limited amount of time. I am evidently a very unusual patient when I am not actually in a break-down mode. I was just there because of the stupid suicide attempt and had my faculties about me.
 
I eventually was released from the hospital. I went to stay with my brother… this was not good. I do not really get along with my brother too well. Right now he has not spoken to me in over a year because we have a difference of opinion.
 
I went back to my house and found that some of my stuff had been placed on the carport. Just randomly put out so that anyone could get it. I started moving it in my car. My brother and his wife were not exactly pleased about my bringing my stuff to their house. They put bags of my clothes out by the trash can so that if I had not found them that they could have been carried off by the garbage man. In fact some of them may have been. By the weekend I had decided to talk to my mother and she said I could come spend the weekend at her house. I have been here ever since. I got what of my stuff I could from my ex’s and my brother’s and moved it here. My ex kept most of my belongings. I tried to get the police to help me retrieve them but they said it was a domestic matter and would have to be taken care of in the courts. I decided that rather than go through the courts yet again that I would just let him have the majority of what Alex and I owned. I have slowly regained some things, but most things he kept were irreplaceable like Alex’s baby pictures, all my house-wares, the furniture I had accumulated through the years and such like. It still hurts that he pillaged us like that. I hope that every time he looks at my things that it bothers him but it probably does not.
 
I have kept in touch with him through the years. I guess I kinda hoped we would get back together. I don’t really know why I wanted this, because he obviously is not good for me, but I still love him. Anyway, I had convinced Mom that it would be okay for me to see him again and all, though she had grave reservations. A few weeks ago he wrote me an email saying "Good-bye." So I guess it is really irrevocably over now. It is probably for the best, but it is hard nonetheless. I really do need to move beyond all the men in my past, and am trying to do so. It is not easy because once I love someone I do it for always. Maybe one day I will find someone who is "the right one." For now I am just trying to be happy with things as they are… and that is working alright.
 
I often wonder if someone like me can actually have a rewarding relationship with a man. There has to be a lot of acceptance and understanding for someone to want me, because I am not completely "normal". However, I have a lot to offer if someone has the capacity to get involved. Being single is okay though, just lonely sometimes.
 
Well, I finally finished that tale. I think I see a way to open up one of the others from here, but will wait for another time.
 
Happy Saturday to all.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Pesky Thoughts

Went to sleep around 1:00AM and woke on my own at 8:00AM. Decided to stay up and get an early start on my Saturday. This sleeping thing is working so much better than it did for the previous three years that I am very pleased.
 
When I got up I found the house deserted except for Penny. Unfortunately the pesky thought that always occurs to me since my first breakdown came up again. I thought just for the briefest of moments that everyone had gone to heaven in the rapture and I had been left behind. This I told myself was crazy and went on about the business of getting the clothes together to wash the first of three loads for today. I have to deal with some small annoying crazy thoughts on a regular basis, but have learned to ignore most of it. I think my deep biblical background sometimes has a real negative effect on me. When I am unsure of myself which happens quite a lot, I often worry that I am going to hell. This can be a very disturbing thought and scare the life of me. I am bright enough to understand that these irrational thoughts are just that, but they are still an inconvenience. I function pretty much normally most of the time, and most people never realize I have Schizophrenia (Schizo-Affective Disorder), but it is a real personal challenge to stay "sane". The paranoia that goes along with all the rest can be very debilitating too, if I allow my mind to go down that path… most times I just tell my brain to shut up and go on with whatever it is I need to accomplish.
 
Soon I heard Mom and Alex bustling around outside. They have gotten an early start on the yard work. I am glad they decided to allow me to sleep. I will work inside while they do outdoor things. I really wish Mom would not try to do so much, but she is stubborn.
 
Well, I have to go unload the washer and put on another load of clothes.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

About Happiness…

This is an excellent article: Happiness Is Back. I believe as stated in the article that a happier society would be a much better society. Money is not always the best measure of happiness. I have lived through times when I had more than I do now, but was overall less happy. Most of the time I am happy now, even though I am often completely broke. I sometimes aspire to more, but do not think having more would necessarily make me happier. If stress levels were higher because of a high pressure work environment, I am sure my happiness would suffer. Less time with family and to myself would also cause less happiness.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Friday’s Travels…

Went to bed around 1:45AM got up at 7:04AM. Took Alex to the bus stop, came back and crawled back in bed since I had nothing to do this morning. Slept until 11:00AM.
 
Logged into the computer and checked some of my favorite blog sites. Did some web surfing.
 
At almost 1:00PM mother returned from her trip out with her friend. We left about 1:20PM for town so that we could get to her appointment. We waited for the technician to finish with another patient for about forty minutes. I was allowed to go back for the procedure and realized again how frail Mom is getting when she tried to lay on the exam table. It was terribly painful for her. The test took about an hour.
 
After leaving the office we stopped at Pearle Vision Center to have Mom’s glasses adjusted. She had complained about them on the drive in so I thought stopping would help her.
 
I started a new book today: The Mind Map Book by Tony Buzan. I still have not finished the other one, but it is going so slow I thought reading something else would be a good idea. I managed to read quite a bit at the appointment.
 
When we returned home I computed some. I decided to go for a walk and take the digital camera with me to capture the scenery. I walked up to my brother’s property and took pictures of the two ponds and three horses. Being out felt very good. The horses licked my hands and allowed me to pet them, except for Jo she was being shy. Jo only really likes one human, my brother. Her prior owners abused her and she still seems to remember it. She is a beautiful American Quarter Horse. The pictures from my walk are above if you would like to view them in the folder named Pictures From My Walk, ingenious title, ay?
 
I cooked tonight. I still wish I did not have to do this chore. I wonder if taking cooking classes would change my opinion about the process. I doubt it.
 
Did some more surfing and talked to my best friend. Her day has been crazy as usual. I wish she could take some time away from all the chaos. It sounds like this Summer she and her husband will go on a vacation and leave the kids with me. I just hope I can work the schedules here at home around that time.
 
Alex wants to go to Boot Camp this Summer so that he is ready to go in the Marines as soon as he graduates. I am trying to convince him that maybe going in the military is no longer the best option for his future, but he seems sure he wants this. I will support his decision either way. I know his leaving is going to be incredibly hard for me. I will miss him so much. Heck, I miss him when he leaves for a few days now.
 
I hope you have a wonderful weekend…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

My Day… Wherein Interesting Things Happen…

I went to sleep at around 1:30AM and rose at 7:10AM because of the screeching alarm clock finally penetrating my consciousness, note to self still need to replace alarm clock… ten minutes is too long to ignore the darn thing. Other people in the household get upset about the noise. Got fussed at for passwording the computer… Alex thinks he should have open access to mine, but not me to his. Took Alex to the bus stop with my eyes almost closed, not sleepy, contact malfunction. Barely made it on time because he was loading my music onto his iPAC. Came back and changed out of pajamas into jeans and my favorite smock. Tried to surf a little, but Mom wanted to leave for town so we did.
 
Stopped at Dollar General to return something Mom had bought. Wound up shopping. Got some cool blank books and an adorable stuffed lamb. Should not have spent any money. Am a shoppaholic… need control… obviously incapable of such. Will be the inevitable ruin of myself. I am a self-fulfilling disaster waiting to happen, or in process. I will worry about it when I have more time.
 
Bought two Kystal Sunrisers and ate the delicious little things on the way to K-mart. Looked around a little and was forcefully attacked by two blouses. They jumped directly into my shopping cart. They were clearance items, and now they have a new home.
 
Took Mom to her 11:00 appointment with her primary care physician. His nurse informed me she still wants me to paint her nursery when she has a baby. I look forward to this event, but it is not likely to happen anytime soon.
 
The doctor comes into the room points at me and says, "What is this?" I am befuddled for a moment then he says, "Nick-Nack Paddy Wack" and I realize he is talking about my smock. I smile and stupidly point at another phrase that says, "All Bark… No Bite." He laughs and I think maybe the moment of embarrassing revelation is over. He asks if Mom is still seeing her neurologist, we reply yes, he asks if we like that he is in this building. I reply, "Yes, it is much more convenient than his other office which was a long drive." Then I say, "And don’t you own this building?" He looks abashed, and says, "Yes, and where did you hear this." My turn to get uncomfortable and mumble, "I heard it when you had the flood." He says, "Oh!" This was the most personal conversation we have engaged in during the four years he has been mother’s doctor and I was quite amazed.
 
He asked about Mom’s major complaints and she told him about her neck pain and the pain going down her left arm. He said maybe she should go back on Celebrex and Mom asked wasn’t it hazardous, and he and I discussed the latest findings on the drug because I had read about it on the web. I agreed we should try it again and he seemed pleased. He also ordered an x-ray which was done in office, but we have to go back at 2:00PM tomorrow for an ultrasound on the artery in her neck. He must suspect the blockage has worsened from 47%, and that it may be the culprit in this ongoing severe pain. I am very worried that if this has occurred that she may require surgery… this is very scary to me. Mom and I do not always get along, but I love her dearly, and want her here as long as possible. I do not think she realizes how serious this might be, and right now I am not saying it to her. I worry…
 
We left the office and took the truckload of crushed cans to the recycling center. The man there wanted us to come back after his lunch because he had only had two customers all morning, but Mom said no that we could not come back. He gave her a really dirty look, then jumped off his truck and started grabbing bags off our truck and pouring them into the trashcans. He has never lifted a hand to help us with unloading before. We rushed. Mom received $60.30 for what were mostly my cans. She gets the money because she crushes them. I would, but my carpal tunnel makes hammering them a real pain. This is inequitable, but I have to play by Mom’s rules. Maybe she will buy me lunch, sometime.
 
Next we went to Wal-Mart to do the grocery thing. Today my right foot was hurting so I was trying to get through as quick as possible and she came up with things she had to go all the way back across the store for three times. Next time I read her list so we do not backtrack. Sometimes my lack of sense amazes me. I know she cannot shop in a organized manner, she gets confused, but I stupidly did not read the list today. I paid dearly for my mistake.
 
We came home and unloaded the truck. After everything was put away she called me from the computer to the kitchen to have a conference. She wanted to know if she could set Alex’s bedtime at 11:00PM over the weekend if he failed to do the outdoor chores she wanted done. I told her no. She said I never support her when she needs things done. I said that she should just ask Alex and then maybe remind him instead of putting some kind of condition which was sure to infuriate him on his doing the task. She was pissed… I went back to my room and she whined from the living room that I could tell him what she wanted done and if he did not she would do it. This she is incapable of, and was a ploy to guilt me. It worked somewhat.
 
When Alex came home she asked him to go get the mail, unload the fertilizer, and put the truck up. Nothing about the outdoor chores. I called Alex into my room told him about our conference and my response and asked him nicely to do the chores she wanted done. He was not happy about her ultimatum style approach, nor that she was mad at me and sulking, but he agreed to get it all done by the end of the weekend. Mission accomplished.
 
He went out and worked awhile and did all the things she had asked him to do.
 
We had chicken, ramen, and sugar snap peas for supper, used up all the leftover meat. You really should try sugar snap peas, they are delicious… and picky kid friendly.
 
Well, that’s about all for my day… Hope yours was happy!
 
Always,
Jo Ann