Category: Journal Writings

Me and My Outspoken Opinions…

I found this and thought it worth sharing: Fact Finders. This shows an inside glimpse of what moves both sides of the political machine. This is worth a click too… All of the People, All of the Time. I don’t know about you but I seriously wonder what our president truly intended.
 
Just in case you do not already know I am a democrat and do not support the tyranny of the current administration. I think we as a nation need to reform our government around true freedom and democracy for all citizens, not just the privileged rich and huge business conglomerates. I am appalled at the extent this administration has disenfranchised the common citizen. I know some of the people who voted to elect these people again, they were my friends, but they no longer want to associate with me because I spoke up about my beliefs. I think this country was built on freedom for every person, not just those who agree with me… I want people to have the right to make their own choices and pursue happiness how they see fit. As long as someone is not hurting another or abusing property or trampling on someone-else’s rights I believe he or she should be able to do what seems right to her/himself. I am not in the business or place to make moral and value judgments on my fellow citizen. Their life is theirs to live. Their choices are between them and God or whatever power or lack thereof they choose to believe in.
 
I am not even really wanted in my own church anymore because I speak out on things they do not wish discussed. I am seriously trying to figure out where I may belong in a faith community because I no longer belong in the Southern Baptist Church. I am a Christian, but I am progressive and willing to embrace people who are different than myself. I was talking to my friend today and was a little surprised that she actually believes similarly to what I do… I know there are some in my church who would call and have called me a heathen and a heretic. I have faith, but it is a different brand than that of which they approve.
 
Maybe I will find a place where I fit in eventually, for now I can worship on my own. I am quite accustomed to being ostracized and alone. I might even become a hermit if I could afford the luxury. I cannot, I have too many people depending on me. It is okay though leastways someone needs me and I have a reason to stay a while longer…
 
I noticed the traffic here has picked up a little in the last few days… I hope maybe you all will come back, that way I feel like this means more.
 
I think that is enough for now. Later…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Hectic Day… and a Link You Should Click

I went to bed at 1:30AM but had to get up with Alex for an hour because his mouth was hurting terribly. This happens sometimes when braces are removed. I could not find the Anbesol anywhere. So I got back to bed at 2:30AM. Did not get up when the screeching alarm went off, but Mom’s persistence in calling me paid off at 7:15AM. Alex had gotten only an hour or two of sleep and was unable to go to school. I dressed in a jumper and set off for my best friend’s house. With traffic the way it was on Atlanta Motor Speedway it took me over an hour to get there.
 
I talked with she and her husband and watched the frenetic pace that goes on at her home office with amazement. I do not think I could ever manage to do all she does and feel whole at the end of the day. It is exhausting just watching… my nerves are all in a bundle this evening. Anyway she gave me two cases full of Girl Scout Cookies, printed a picture of Mom’s Valentine’s Day flowers which she had given her, all the while handling constant phone calls for technical support. Then she took me to lunch at IHOP where I had cheddar cheese and bacon crepes with hash browns. The food was delicious. I had a coughing fit while I was there and nearly caused a scene. I think I may be coming down with bronchitis yet again. I have chronic bronchitis, but have been lucky not to have an acute outbreak in a while. While I was back in the office I was able to log in and check some other blogs. I zoned out on my drive back to Douglasville and went the long way around… the driving was kinda relaxing though.
 
I stopped in town and looked around Borders awhile. There are some books I would so love to acquire, but it will have to wait. Then I stopped and bought some Anbesol for Alex and picked up a little bunny rabbit for my Mom. I periodically do things like that just to make her smile. I love giving things away, it is a flaw of mine sometimes. When I got home I logged in here and checked Red Kitten’s blog. You should go read what she posted earlier today at Abnormally Normal People. We bloggers as a community need to get involved in prayer and support about this. Maybe we can make a difference.
 
I am not cooking tonight because I am quite exhausted. What with driving, spending time in the frenzy over there, and not getting much sleep last night, I am going to relax a while. I may return here in a little while.
 
Hope you all have had a nice day! Take good care.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

By the Way…

Mom found her glasses in the crease in the chair so we canceled the appointment. I just wonder how they got down there.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Another busy day…

Went to sleep at 1:30AM woke at 7:00AM. Called Alex, but he chose to stay home because he was getting his braces off today. Went back to bed until 11:30AM.
 
When I got up I had to call the optometrist’s office because Mom had lost her glasses over the weekend and we could not find them anywhere. I set up an appointment so she could get new spectacles. I handle all the appointments for the household because no one else can deal with phone systems and because I manage the calendar.
 
Then I called Social Security to get a copy of Mom’s 1099 so that I can send it to the patient assistance program for two of her most expensive medications. These two prescriptions alone would cost about $600.00 a month were I not able to get aid for her.
 
I took Alex to his appointment and he had his braces removed. His teeth look so nice. Hopefully this preventative step will keep him from having TMJ which both his father and I have suffered with. While I was waiting for him I bought a sandwich with my pocket change at Publix… I was surprised to have enough money.
 
We came home and settled in for the afternoon when mother asked if I had picked up her medicine… ah-ho… I forgot. So Mom and I had to go back to town to pick up her prescriptions at SAM’s Pharmacy. I told the woman who waited on us that I had to check and make sure that all the medications were put on the right discount cards, and sure enough they had not run the Nexium on the right card so it was going to cost $232.00 instead of the $15.00 it was supposed to. I pointed this out. The woman told me I should make a list of which medicines go on which card. I said that they should know by now, especially since they over-charged my mother for her medicine for over two years when they had the cards on file. If I had not started taking care of all her medication they would still be ripping her off. I really feel it is their job to run the medications on all the cards each time, if they are not smart enough to note which meds go on which card, so I don’t have to play watchdog every time we go to pick up her prescriptions. It is not like we are new customers. We have been doing business there for years. The thing is that I have gone in and told them which meds go on which cards on several occasions and they did not take the initiative to take notes, this is not my job to get it right. It happens almost every time I go in there, and what if someone else had to go? Would they then automatically rip my mother off. I wish I knew whose pockets were enriched by the overcharges they gave my mother for two years… this amounted to thousands of dollars… I think I might sue them. This was gross negligence and taking advantage of a little old lady. It still irks me no end. I do not need this stress and it is not right that I have the aggravation. I hope maybe you will think twice about SAM’s and Wal-Mart corporation who supposedly do so much good in our communities and care so much about their customers. I still shop there because I save overall by doing so, but I am not thrilled with their hype.
 
MMM… that’s my rant at the powers that be.
 
I cooked barbequed chicken, ramen, and sugar snap peas for supper. The chicken was really good.
 
Well I better post this so it shows up on the right day. You all take care…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

My Day…

Went to bed at 1:00AM and woke up at 7:00AM. Took Alex to the bus. It was raining this morning, so the bus was a little late. When I got back here I logged in to the computer and started checking out sites. Found some good things I linked to on here.
 
Spent an hour and a half searching for Mom’s 1099 form so I could make a copy to send to one of her pharmaceutical aid programs. Never found it because she apparently threw it away… she loses all kinds of things now and will not leave things in locations where I know where they are. 
 
I dressed in a dress and headed to my appointment with my counselor at 2:00PM. Atlanta Motor Speedway was particularly busy and racing fast today. My counselor and I discussed my coming off medication today because sometimes I feel I would be more "normal" if I did not have to take meds. I think we got to the issue that I really want a better quality of life, and that the medication is not the real issue. We talked about how I feel like a loser a lot of the time and how I could reframe that reaction. The thing is that I am basically an over-achiever and this disease wrecks havoc on my ability to accomplish anything I feel matters. I crave a moderate level of success and I don’t feel successful at all.
 
But anyway, I did not get home until after 5:00PM. Traffic was a trial on the way home. The blind spot on the right side of my car almost caused me to have an accident. Seems I would be well aware of this defect by now… sometimes I just do not think about it.
 
I came in and changed clothes and started computing. Mom came to my room and started complaining about my computer usage which irritated me no end. My lack of privacy here is a thing that annoys me a great deal.
 
I cooked pork chops, broccoli rice au gratin and peas. I was in the kitchen doing that when Mom asked me a question which I answered in what to her was the wrong tone of voice. She told me that I have gotten to where I come back from counseling in a worse mood than when I leave. I responded that my mood had nothing to do with counseling, it had to do with her complaining about my using the computer. I do not think she believed me, but it is okay. I know what I am thinking and feeling.
 
My counselor asked me last week to write about what it would be like to live somewhere-else. I think I may do that here some other day.
 
Overall, the day was good and I am glad it ended well…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Quiet Saturday

Went to bed at 3:00AM and woke up when mother called me at 11:00AM. I spent the day online for the most part. I have been reading several blogs and several artistic sites.
 
There were some very good articles on http://www, salon.com which I enjoyed reading.
 
I did not cook tonight.
 
I really have little to say tonight so I will let you go… Tomorrow is after all another day.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

The Continuation…

Went to sleep around 1:30AM and woke up at 7:00AM. Alex was sore all over and feeling lousy probably from his flu shot so he stayed home. I went back to bed and slept until 11:00AM.
 
I logged on the computer and completed five lessons in my online classes. I enjoyed learning something new. Maybe I will understand XP a little better when I finish that course. The other three classes cover material I am already somewhat familiar with but are good anyway.
 
I think I may have messed up an installation I did today. I hope it does not do too much damage.
 
I managed to score over 63,000 points in BeJeweled 2 Deluxe this evening. That was 40,000 better than my next highest score. I am getting a little better at thinking a few moves ahead. I doubt I beat that score for a while.
 
I cooked tonight. We had steak, rice, and sugar snap peas. I think maybe next week I am going to try to introduce some other vegetables. Maybe if I cook it Alex will eat it. I can hope so anyway.
 
Getting back to the story of my reunion with my third husband. We met and went to his house. It was not very long before we wound up in each others arms… and then made love. I went back home to mother’s and found myself locked out of the house. I got in that night… then the next day she forced me to reveal that I had seen him. When she found out she went nuts and called my brother. He came down and told me, "You are lower than dog-shit." I was given the ultimatum to never talk to my ex or see him again or get out of Mom’s house for good. I was very very upset. I went to my counselor for an emergency session and called my ex from there. He said for me to come stay with him. So we wound up back together. Alex was out of town at the time with his father so we had a weekend to plan. We rented a truck and his son and some of his friends helped Alex and I move all our stuff.
 
Within weeks we found out I was pregnant with twins. I went off my medication. Then I started hemorrhaging. I had to go on complete bed-rest and could hardly eat anything at all. We learned that the twin baby girls had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome which is very serious and only affects identical twins. I was in the neo-natal specialist office watching a sonogram when the smaller twin died. I was about five months pregnant at the time and my love came to the office to calm me. The neonatologist advised that we terminate the pregnancy. I was very sick and had been losing strength daily, but I did not want to give up my little girl. We went home and agonized over the decision for a week. In the end we decided to terminate because there was almost no chance of my baby being okay… and my love was afraid he was going to lose me. After we made the decision my OBGYN refused to deliver the babies if we terminated my pregnancy. His office gave me the unpleasant duty of calling an abortion clinic. That was almost more than I could handle. Finally another doctor in that practice, a woman, who was more understanding of what we were going through agreed to deliver my girls. I cried through the procedure where the doctor stopped my baby’s heart. I know that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Later my twins were delivered. I got to see them and saw that I had made the right choice… but I still regret it and feel guilty about it. They would have been so beautiful if things had not gone so wrong. I miss them every day.
 
That is as far as I can go tonight… I have not told that story in a long time and it still hurts. I will let you go for now.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann

Our Trek to Town…

Went to sleep around 1:30AM and got up to take Alex to meet the bus at 7:00AM. Came back to the house and slept until 11:00AM.
 
Mom decided she wanted to go to town so we left here about noon. Stopped at Dollar General, then at K-Mart, then did the grocery thing at Wal-Mart.
 
While we were out we saw one of the church ladies and she and I commiserated over the lack of good government we are experiencing here in the USA. She and I are very similar in beliefs even though we belong to a staunchly Republican church. That is one of the main reasons I am not attending regularly. I think that we are in for more loss of privacy and more loss of essential freedoms if our government continues on the current path. I feel like we already live in a police state as it is… and social reform is losing ground daily. Ah, well better get off my soap box. It was nice to talk to an older lady who is progressive like myself. I have seen and experienced too much of life to be narrow-minded.
 
I purchased a new skirt and three shirts on clearance today. I think it is time I wear jeans a little less. The skirt is way long, as are most such things, being 5’4" does not jive with the fashion industry. I think everyone is supposed to be at least 5’6" to wear clothes. I will just have to wear heels, which is hard for someone who lives in cross-trainers, but it will all be alright.
 
We returned home around 4:30PM so Alex was here to help unload the groceries. He commented, "Why did you buy groceries again so soon?" Well duh, someone around here has been eating all the food up. I did not mean to spend so much today though… next week no groceries. At least, I hope we won’t need any.
 
I cooked barbequed pork chops, twice baked potatoes, and sugar snap peas tonight. Alex did not like the potatoes though he ate his anyway. The reason we have those peas so often is not that I am culinarily challenged, but because they are one of a select few vegetables that Alex will eat. If it is green he probably does not like it and he hates most yellow and orange things too. Picky, picky, picky.
 
Well tonight is not the night to delve into history, so I guess that will wait for another day.
 
Have a pleasant Thursday!
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Where I Traveled…

Was asleep by 12:30AM and got up when the screeching alarm went off at 7:00AM.
 
Logged on to the computer and surfed a little. Played BeJeweled 2 some too. I really love this game.
 
Had to go to the bank for Mom and dropped by her neurologist’s office, but the staff was already gone for the day so I could not pick up her handicapped parking form. Drove at reasonable speed to my appointment with my counselor. We discussed how high my stress levels are getting now that I am more alert and aware. We are going to work on diminishing my reaction to the stress in coming weeks. Saw my psychiatrist’s nurse and she was pleased that I am sleeping at night and awake in the day time. This has been such an ongoing issue for me. The alertness and being awake so many hours is nice. She commented that I seemed so much more energetic, and she is right I am.
 
Stopped by the library on the way home. No good new books on the shelves so I only brought four renewals home. Some days it is like that, no books I am interested in.
 
The weirdest thing happened this evening. This guy instant messaged me out of the blue. I think he is a technical support person who I talked to weeks ago. I am not sure that I like some complete stranger having my information like that. He hedged about it but I really think this guy’s name is the same as one of the techs I talked to who is located in India. I don’t know what to do about it, but I do not think he should be accessing my personal information that way.
 
I cooked steak, broccoli rice au gratin, and peas tonight. I left the rice boiling and I burned it. It was not too bad… but the house smells like burnt rice. First time I goofed up that way in ages.
 
I paid bills tonight… thank God I had enough money to pay the minimums on everything. One day I may not be able, then the creditors will come take me away… being poor sucks. Could be worse though. I could lose my internet connection, then I would be out of touch with the outside.
 
Tomorrow is not scheduled for anything so maybe I get to work on some of my online classes. I would like that, but Mom may decide she wants to go out… we shall see.
 
I will try to finish the story about my third husband soon. I am pretty wiped tonight so I am going to chill out a while.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann

Another Entry on the Past…

We had barbequed chicken legs and Mom’s homemade macaroni and cheese for supper. My stomach is not doing so hot because I skipped breakfast and lunch today. I should know better than to leave my stomach empty for so long… it is not a good idea.
 
I went to Borders today and looked around some. Getting ideas of what books to watch for at the library. Looks like a few interesting ones have come out. I am not reading so much right now. I think the computer has won over my attention. I can get pretty fixated on such things… I have been told I have an easily addicted personality. I believe it somewhat too.
 
After Alex’s father and I divorced I spent some time getting myself back together. I finally went to work at a convenience store and worked my way up to manager. It did not take too long as I was very dedicated and did my job. I bought my first computer then and that changed my life somewhat. I put all my poetry into the computer and printed it out.
 
Not long after I became assistant manager this really hot guy walked in and I knew he was "the one." My manager made some inquiries about him and found out he was divorced and making hefty child support payments. She advised me to forget about him… I tried, but he haunted me… (seems he is destined to always do so) and a few months later we began to talk a little when he came in to fuel the armored trucks he worked on. I became manager and took over the store. On Valentine’s Day I wrote him a card, but I chickened out and was not going to give it to him. One of my employee’s found it on my desk and gave the card to him. He later said he had been wanting to take me out, but was afraid I would say no, and he was leaving an abusive woman at the time. Not many days later he asked me out… I was in heaven.
 
We went to Spaghetti Warehouse and had a wonderful dinner. Then because his finances were in a mess we went to the old K-Mart I used to work at and sat in his jalopy talking for hours. We got busted by the police and they asked for my ID because they thought I was too young to be out so late… this was 1992. We were told to behave and left alone. We wound up necking a little in the car and I just knew he was the guy I had been waiting for…
 
We had a wonderful few months and he proposed… we were married in July, and I was ecstatic. I think that was the happiest day of my life. The honeymoon was glorious and I learned to like the finer things… like prime rib and decadent seafood. On the first night of our honeymoon we went to our hotel decked out in our wedding clothes and boy did we get the looks… happy admiring ones. Alex stayed with my parents and we had a week to ourselves all financed by me. I was making really good money at the time for someone like me… had A-1 credit and all the perks. Everything went well… and we were very happy. Then I began to have to work eighty and ninety hour weeks… I was totally exhausted and after a few months of it I had a mental breakdown. The day I could not report to work because I was hallucinating so bad that I was acting bizarre, my district manager fired me. This was after I had been an exemplary employee for three years. The SOB got fired the next day… but that did not help me much. Human resources said I could never work there again. During the next weeks my man spoon-fed me because I would not eat otherwise, and he took great care of me. In a few months I began to make the trek back to reality… He never pushed me to go back to work and did everything he could to make life wonderful for me. I recovered and we were very happy. Only he was working too much and we did not get to spend much time together.
 
Then my nephew got killed in a car crash and my father died of a burst aneurysm within a week. These were two of the dearest people in my world. I was wounded badly. I think I would have been okay if I had not become so desperately physically ill. My guy took me to the doctor to find out why I was losing so much weight and we were shocked when we found out I was pregnant. The doctor set up an appointment for me the next day and sent me home to rest. You should have seen my guy beaming thinking about our baby… Alex and I took him some supper at work that evening and suddenly I felt a really sharp pain and almost screamed in the office. I ran to the restroom and found I was having a miscarriage. I had to have a DNC, and I went to pieces again. Everything bad was happening at once and I could not handle all the stress. Our finances were a mess because we had been supplementing his income with my credit lines and I had three deaths to deal with. On the day I cut all my hair off with the scissors and he found me sitting in the floor with his 45 pointed at my head he decided my falling apart was too much. He left and filed for divorce because he was afraid he would come home and find me dead and his whole world destroyed. This was late 1996 and our divorced went on into 1997. I think it nearly killed both of us… later he told me he was not so much divorcing me, but my family.
 
My family is another story… I thank God I survived. I had some times where I almost left life behind, but I made it. You never understand the power of hallucinations and delusions until you live with them. These things can cause actions you would never countenance otherwise. Schizophrenia is not a nice disease, but I am glad I made it. I pray I never go into those dark places again.
 
To jump ahead a little I have not had a breakdown since 1997 and I have been consistently medicated since 2000. I take the atypical anti-psychotic Geodon and the anti-depressant Zoloft and until recently Seroquel… but the Seroquel was making me lethargic all the time so my doctor finally dropped it. Geodon and Zoloft are miracle drugs… I almost feel as good as I do when I am doing well without medication.
 
Well, I better go, it is late and I must be up early tomorrow.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann