Category: Journal Writings

More about Alex’s Father…

About Alex’s father and I, we had a very acrimonious divorce. For a good while I could not stand him. I have a very forgiving nature and once I love someone it is forever, so eventually the love I felt for him won out. We have seen one another on and off through the years when we were not otherwise involved. We love each other and enjoy ourselves erotically, but he keeps me at a distance from his life on a permanent basis.
 
I think I have finally come to the decision that I deserve better than a when it is convenient for him relationship. I hope to find someone I can depend on through thick and thin daily… Maybe I will keep this commitment to myself this time. I have not been very good at it in the past.
 
Alex’s father has never spent much time with our son because he did not really want a child. I have tried through the years to encourage their relationship, but it has not worked very well. Nowadays Alex is quite indifferent to his father at times and I believe the man may one day come to regret how distant they are from one another.
 
I have to go cook now so I will return…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Another Chapter of the Past…

Went to bed around 2:00AM but had to get up and take the pesky contacts out so I probably was asleep by 2:45AM. My brother called Mom a little before 9:00AM and woke me up. I decided I might as well stay awake.
 
Alex is out of school today for a teacher’s workday. I think it is neat that he has Valentine’s Day off.
 
Happy Valentine’s Day by the way.
 
I wrote a little about my ancient history on the 12th and I thought it might be interesting for you to know more about it. So here goes…
 
After my first divorce I was in and out of the hospital a good bit because of my Schizophrenia. I even spent some time in the state mental institution… that was awful and no matter what happens I will never go back there. One little incident that happened there is worth telling… now I was really out of my head at the time and when I am I take everything very literally. People on the ward had been stealing my clothes, something that commonly goes on there. They kept sleeping in my bed too, and I kept having to change rooms. But anyway, on the ward you had to wash your own clothes. So one day, mind you I was about nineteen at the time, staff tells me to wash up all my clothes. I was very compliant so I put all my clothes in the washer and because people were stealing my clothes I climbed on top of the washer and sat there while it was washing. I guess someone on staff noticed I was missing and came to find me. Imagine their shock when they found me stark naked sitting on top of the washing machine. They asked what I was doing as they dressed me in hospital gowns and I told them, "I am washing all my clothes as I was told." I am sure they decided to be more careful with their instructions after that. Now that incident is a legend in my immediate family and it makes me laugh nowadays. Being mental can sometimes lead to humorous results, but mostly it is just damn inconvenient.
 
I hated my medication at the time because I was on Thorazine and I did not stay on it for long. I functioned pretty normally off of it and managed to go to work. I worked as a cashier at K-Mart for about two years part-time and then worked as head cashier at Piccadilly restaurant for awhile. I met my second husband there… he was my best work friend’s on again off again boyfriend and she and I were sharing an apartment. One night he was staying over and some other friends had taken my bed… sound familiar… anyway I went in their room to sleep on the floor. Sometime during my sleep at the bottom of the bed near his feet he realized I had no cover and covered me up.
 
We did not see each other for a long while. I was involved with someone very special for a time and even lived with him for a time. I quit working at Piccadilly during that time and went to work as a horticultural technician taking care of plants all over metro Atlanta. The guy and I broke up and I left one day while he was at work. I lost my job too, because his mother had helped me get it.
 
My future husband and I saw each other again sometime around then and he asked me out. We went rafting on the Chattahoochee River and had a blast. I think the Bacardi 151 I was drinking may have had a little to do with it, but I was hooked. We started seeing each other regularly and eventually got engaged. He asked me to come live with him in Chattanooga while we were preparing to get married and I went. Turned out the wedding kept being delayed. I even moved to North Carolina for awhile with my job. I came back to stay with him and got another job downtown. Somewhere during this time I became pregnant… he wanted me to get an abortion and I refused. I don’t believe in abortion for me… you can do what you like and I won’t judge you, but abortion is something I cannot deal with. He offered me a two year trial marriage so that the baby would have his name and so I did not have to leave and because I was young and stupid I agreed.
 
That happened in 1987 and Alex was born in 1988. I am so glad I did not abort my baby. He means the world to me. I do not know what would have become of me had I not had Alex. When things get really bad his dependence on me helps me carry on.
 
When Alex was about a year old things started getting bad and by the time he was eighteen months his father had divorced me. I consequently had another full blown breakdown and had to be hospitalized. I went on medication a little while, but hated it and quit taking it after a while. I just do not like being a zombie.
 
Well, that is probably enough for now. I have some stuff I should probably do… catch you again later.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Very Neat Day

I went to bed at about 2:30AM and rose at 10:00AM. I logged onto the computer and downloaded BeJeweled 2 Deluxe. I am quite addicted to this game. I can play for about an hour at a time if I do not have something more pressing to do. That is a long time for any one thing to hold my attention. I tend to jump from one thing to another most times.
 
At about 11:30AM my friend called to say she would definitely meet Mom, Alex, and I at Olive Garden for lunch. She did not finally leave to get there until around 1:00PM so we met her and her family there at 1:30PM. We did not get a table for about an hour and sat out in the cold because the seating inside was all full.
 
They brought Mom and I flowers and candy for Valentine’s Day. There are pictures of the beautiful flowers in the My Art album. I hope I can keep my tulips alive a while. I love tulips. I think I will draw these sometime soon.
 
After we ate we all came back to the house and the kids played Xbox with Alex and jumped on the trampoline. I think they had a ball. They wound up staying until after 7:00PM. We talked and talked.
 
Mom was really feeble yesterday. She had to be guided around the restaurant. She also argued with me that grinning meant frowning, and I know that she did know the correct meaning at one time. She is getting worse… I fear she will have more and more cognitive loss. It is so sad. I wish there were something I could do for her.
 
The day was great fun and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I started playing BeJeweled 2 after our company left and did that until late into the night. I do not usually play computer games too much but I really like this one.
 
I think maybe I will get into some more ancient history tomorrow… but not right now.
 
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day! Remember to tell all those you love you love them, because you never know when that could be the last time.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

 

Remembering…

Stayed up until almost 3:00AM and did not wake until Penny jumped in the bed with me at 11:30AM. She promptly left the room when I got up. It surprises me sometimes that such a small dog can jump as high as my mattress. My bed is the one my parents bought when they first married, so it is about fifty-five or more years old. I love it though the mattress, which is not so old, is about as hard as a rock. I want a new Serta, but it is not in my non-existent budget for now.
 
Surfed the web quite a lot today. Read some more in The Treasured One. Washed two loads of clothes. Forgot about one of them and just now put it in the dryer. I hope it gets done before I decide to call it a night.
 
One of my brother’s ponds has a drainage pipe blockage. He and Alex tried to unstop it, but they had no luck. The bad thing is that if it gets too full it might wash out the dam and the road to his house. We live on adjoining properties with about thirty acres total. Living in the country is great unless you need something from town in a hurry… in that case you are out of luck.
 
The UPS man, at least, knows where we are. My new power supply came for the computer. I haven’t put it in yet though. I am not really comfortable doing hardware work.
 
Cooked barbequed pork chops, rice, and peas for supper. The pork chops turned out really tender and good. Maybe I am getting used to cooking again. Don’t think I like it though. I do it because I should not because I want to.
 
Alex’s father called tonight. He has stopped communicating with the woman who shot herself in the stomach again… so he called me. At least this time he asked to talk to Alex, too. He rarely sees or talks to our son. I think he may decide he wants me to start seeing him again since we are both unattached, but I do not think it is happening. I really need to leave the men of my past in my past. They just are not that good for me.
 
My first husband seemed okay until after we were married when I was sixteen. He began to use drugs heavily and then began to abuse me a little. Then in the end he gave me an overdose of drugs that almost killed me. The doctors and nurses all said it was a miracle I survived. That was back in 1981 when I was first diagnosed with Schizophrenia. We divorced and I spent years putting my life back together. I have seen this man a few times, like when he walked into the convenience store I managed a few years ago, and every time he gets within yards of me my blood runs cold and stomach clenches. You do not get over being almost killed… you can forgive, but the body remembers.
 
That story reminds me of the time one of my lovers picked up a pistol and played Russian Roulette with the darn thing pointed at my head. By the third spin I was out of the bed and running away. I was only a teen, but I could not tell my parents. In fact, I only revealed it to my mom in the last year or two. She says she wishes she had known when it happened, but that would not have worked. There were too many secrets I had to keep.
 
That is enough of my past for the night. I am happy I am alive to write this today… it is a miracle and I thank God for my survival.
 
Hope you have a great Sunday…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

TGIF

Went to sleep around 2:00AM woke up at 7:00AM and drove Alex to the bus stop. Came back and crawled back into bed and slept until noon.
 
My monitor did not come on when I turned on my PC so I tried troubleshooting it and could get nothing so I called HP technical support and they helped me get it working. I do not understand what went wrong. Evidently the operating system did not load up the proper drivers. Freaky way to start off with the computer.
 
I went for a walk today and the air was nice though it was quite cold. It was beautiful outside.
 
I read pretty extensively on the web today. There is so much information out here if you know where to look and some of it is quite amazing. Of course you all know that already, but I am sometimes surprised by what the web delivers because I became a part of it back when it was text only.
 
Mom wanted me to paint some today so I did a little of that to mollify her. She gets quite irritated if I do not spend some time with her when she is painting.
 
I did not cook tonight because Mom offered to share her homemade chicken and dumplings with Alex and I. This was a real treat because she has not cooked those in a long time. I think my cooking has made her want more home prepared food again. She bought chicken and pork yesterday and I was surprised because she had basically stopped cooking.
 
We live in the same home, but our finances and food are totally separated. We even have separate refrigerators. It works pretty well this way. She is the safest roommate I can think of, because I know she would never take anything of mine nor take undue advantage of me.
 
I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Busy, busy, busy…

Slept from 1:00AM to 8:00AM. Ate a piece of chocolate cake for breakfast. I know that is not the wisest choice, but hey, once in a while it is okay to break rules. We left the house by 8:30AM to get Alex to his orthodontist appointment at 9:00AM. They did not actually take the braces off today. They removed the wires and took impressions so his retainers could be made. He was disappointed, but it is only two weeks more.
 
Mom and I went to Publix while Alex was in his appointment. We were only supposed to look around but wound up buying a few groceries. The chicken was on sale so I bought a couple of family packs.
 
After the appointment was over Alex came and found us. We went from Publix to Wal-Mart. We shopped fast because we needed to be at Mom’s neurologist at 11:15AM. I stocked up on meat today because we have eaten all I had in the freezer. I was lucky some of the meat was marked down 30%. I bought some steaks and pork chops in family packs. It was nice having Alex along because he helped load and unload everything.
 
The appointment at the neurologist was a little disappointing because he had not read and compared the latest film to the one before. I explained to him that Mom is hallucinating quite a lot, which got me dirty looks from mother. She does not want the doctor to know she has mental malfunctions. I talked to the doctor after the appointment and he said it was my job to keep him informed. So there you are… he did say that the hallucinations could be caused by the Parkinson’s as well as the small strokes. He prescribed Darvocet and Flexeril for her pain.
 
In the truck on the way home Mom wanted to know why I had to tell the doctor, and Alex and I tried to explain that he must know what is really going on. She does not agree, but as long as I am primarily responsible for tending to her healthcare I will keep the doctors informed.
 
When we arrived back home we unloaded the groceries. Alex was kind enough to help me divide up all the meat into meal size packages. That took a while and I am so grateful he helped. Guess if I will cook for him he is more willing to help with tasks like that.
 
Mom was extremely short of breath while bringing in a few groceries so I tried to convince her to sit down a few minutes. She would not, the groceries had to be put away immediately. Sometimes I think her stubbornness is going to do her in. Alex did bring everything in for her after he realized how she was puffing.
 
I talked to one of my guy friends because he called me… but I was not thrilled. I think he calls me when he has no one else to talk to. One of my best friends also called. She might see us soon and that would be great. She has been really busy lately and we have not seen one another in a while.
 
I cooked steak, broccoli rice au gratin, and sugar snap peas for supper. I have to admit that the cooked food is much better than pre-fab stuff. I still hate cooking though. Alex enjoys the food so much it is almost worth the inconvenience.
 
I received a fraudulent email that purported to be from MSN today. I did not click the link or anything, but it was a very real looking message.  Having Outlook installed I was able to check where it really came from and it was not MSN. I called MSN and they said to disregard the message. I reported it to abuse and asked MSN support to issue a new warning. I wonder how many people were tricked into giving their personal information. I am glad I have been reading up on security…
 
Friday is almost here… Have a great day!
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Worried…

I went to bed around 1:00AM went to sleep shortly… woke up to the screeching alarm clock at 7:00AM. I took Alex to the bus stop and returned home to start working with computers.
 
Mom’s friend came for lunch and we had Pasta Con Queso and salads. I could not eat much. I think my appetite is shrinking. I hope so. I have now lost fourteen pounds since stopping the Seroquel. This is something I have really wanted to do for a while. 
 
I updated more of the files on Alex’s computer today and ran scans and defragmenter and other maintenance which he dislikes doing. I am the one who pays if something goes wrong so though he does not like me to be on his computer I feel I must take care of it.
 
I read some in my book today. I am really enjoying it.
 
Tomorrow Alex gets his braces off and Mom goes to the neurologist to find the outcome of her MRI. I have a feeling it won’t be good.
 
Mom is hallucinating a lot and just really in a mess. I wish there were something I could do. I think her strokes have seriously harmed her brain. I guess the Parkinson’s disease is also at fault. I worry…
 
I hope the doctor can do something to help her. I am praying she gets better. It is really sad seeing such a vibrant being lose all her power.
 
I did not cook tonight because the meat I lay out this morning was not good once it thawed. It had been in the freezer too long. We had leftovers from lunch instead.
 
I guess I will go…
 
Night,
Jo Ann

Computer Problems and Stories

Went to bed before 1:00AM, but did not fall asleep until around 4:00AM. Got up at 7:00AM, but lay back down after Mom decided she would take Alex to the bus because I looked like a zombie. I slept until 11:00AM when my alarm went off and Mom called me.
 
Mom’s company did not come today, but is coming tomorrow. I really wanted to go to the grocery tomorrow but suppose it will wait until Thursday. I may run out of Diet Coke and Sam’s choice Decaffeinated Diet Cola… that will be a tragic event as I am quite addicted to those substances. I probably should drink more water anyway, but I do not like water.
 
I saw my counselor today. It was a very good session. We discussed several events that had been worrying me. I did not do my homework from last week, maybe I will do it before I see her next.
 
Round trip it is over 70 miles for my appointments and today I drove in the rain. That lowered my average speed to around 60mph. I usually go much faster when I am alone on the interstate. I like to drive fast… sometimes I do not even realize I am going really fast until I look at the speedometer. It has been one of my bad habits for a long time. Thank God I have not had a ticket in a while. The thing is that most of the time I just keep up with traffic. Sometimes I think of Georgia highways as Atlanta Speedway. If you go the speed limit everything out there passes you by. Most motorists seem to think that the speed limit is the suggested minimum speed. No wonder insurance in Metro Atlanta is some of the highest in the country.
 
I had to call HP technical support this evening because the fan on my computer has begun making a lot of noise at times. They are going to send me a new power supply and I get to install it. I am not a hardware expert so that should be lots of fun.
 
I did all the critical updates from Microsoft today and updated my BIOS because HP notified me there was and upgrade. Computer maintenance is becoming a bit of a chore… but better safe than sorry.
 
There was an article I read yesterday on Discovery.com that I found extremely humorous. I will include the link here: Monkeys Pay to View Sexy Photos. Makes you wonder about animal intelligence.
 
Well, hopefully I will see you again tomorrow. Enjoy your Wednesday.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Monday, Monday… Not so BAD

Went to bed around 1:00AM and fell immediately asleep. Ignored the screeching alarm clock this morning so Mom called me at 7:10AM. I think I need a new more aggravating alarm clock. Once upon a time I owned one that sounded like a foghorn and it worked really well when set to the highest volume. Of course, it woke everyone else in the house too. If anyone knows an alarm clock model that is particularly annoying please let me know. I just incorporate the one I have into my dreams.
 
Took Alex to meet the bus without incident. Picked up the mail from Saturday while I waited.
 
Mom wanted to go to a friend’s house around 9:30AM so I transported her there. She tried on a new outfit that did not fit her friend properly and purchased it. I sat with the husband and talked about their two dogs. I love dogs and these two are really cute.
 
We stopped at Dollar General on the way home and picked up a few things. There were some cute Valentine’s items… I do not have a sweetheart, but picked up a few things anyway. Maybe someday there will be someone. I think I am mostly content to just wait for something to happen.
 
When we returned home I called a good friend of mine and left a message for her to call me back. I hoped she would, but was not sure.
 
I worked with the computer a while. I think I have become obsessed with protecting this machine from threats. I downloaded another application to keep it safe. I have found that each spyware program targets different threats… seems like they would create one blanket application. It would make more sense.
 
Tomorrow major security patches for Windows XP and Microsoft Office are being released. These updates are graded critical, so if you don’t have Automatic Update turned on you should visit Windows Update and Office Update if you have these applications installed. I wish they would patch the hole in IE 6. See I said I was getting obsessive… at least this is not a dangerous obsession.
 
I am becoming aggressive about SPAM. I keep adding email to my blocked senders list. I hope this will ease the influx.
 
I cooked tonight. Pork chops and chicken and rice. Alex will hardly eat vegetables so I kinda cheat on that.
 
Washed a load of white clothes today. I like to wash all whites in hot water, but Mom told me the other day that they had developed a detergent that did whites just as well in cold water. The implication was that I should start using this product, but I am not buying that it works just as good as Tide with Bleach in hot water. I like what I use and do not think I am switching. Mom hates to use anything that uses hot water. For years the hot water was not even hooked up to the washer, but I finally convinced her that some things come cleaner in hot. That is my experience anyway. When I move out I always get to do things my way and when I come back to her house I try to incorporate some of the innovations.
 
My friend called and we talked a while. She really wants me to start going to church again and I promised to think about it. I just wonder if I want to go to the church I currently belong to or not. I am undecided. Church is a big decision.
 
I have not done my homework for my counselor and I see her tomorrow so I have to get my butt in gear.
 
Well, I better go…
 
Have a good Tuesday,
Jo Ann

Getting Ready…

Went to bed at about 3:00AM and woke up briefly to eat at 10:00AM. Mom called me at noon and I stayed up the rest of the day. I note this information daily because being up in the daytime for considerable amounts of time is new after three years of sleeping problems. I probably should not stay up so late on weekends and mess up my patterns, but I am not convinced it won’t be okay.
 
I vacuumed the house today. Mom is having company on Tuesday and I wanted everything to look nice. She cannot vacuum anymore because the Kirby is too heavy.
 
I loaded some more music onto the computer. I have forty hours of play time on here now. At present I have Media Player set to random so that I get a diverse selection. I like having the ability to listen to music much like would be on a radio station without any commercials nor any songs I dislike. I have always wanted something like this… computers are amazing.
 
I have not read much today in my book. I have been surfing the web and reading a lot that way.
 
I start some web courses soon and imagine those will keep me quite busy. I think these courses will greatly enhance my computer literacy. Although I have learned much on my own over the years I am still learning XP having only gotten this computer in August.
 
I did not cook tonight because the meat did not thaw completely. I had Lean Cuisine for supper. I fall back on that whenever I want something easy. Tomorrow night I will cook.
 
Journal Prompt from Just Journal for Fun Volume 1 a self-published book by me:
 
Remember "please" is a magical word.
 
All mothers teach their children to say please as a polite way to request things. Sometimes as we grow older we become less inclined to use such courtesy, but please can greatly facilitate social situations. People are more apt to be agreeable when they are treated with such respect.
 
Probably there is more I could say on this subject, but it is getting late. I will let you go.
 
Always,
Jo Ann