Category: Journal Writings

Lazy Saturday

Went to sleep around 1:30AM woke up to the screeching alarm at 10:00AM. Really wanted to crawl back in bed, but I stayed up.
 
Did some more computer maintenance and downloaded some software from: http://www.microsoft.com/genuine/offers/default.aspx?displaylang=en
 
 
I did not know that Microsoft offered so many free things. I was pleased.
 
No cooking tonight. Mostly just did not feel like doing it and too I was not very hungry.
 
I read some, and saved some media files I had downloaded last week.
 
Mom is hurting extremely bad so she has taken her pain medicine and gone to bed.
 
Alex has played his new game virtually all day long. Not unusual when he acquires a new one.
 
I do not have a lot to say today… Guess I will let you go…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Changes…

I went to sleep after 1:00AM and awoke at 7:00AM. I kept Alex home again because he had to go for an x-ray of his neck. He has been experiencing a lot of pain there. Seems neck problems are a theme around here just now.
 
Mom’s test yesterday went well. We should know the results next Thursday when she has an appointment with her neurologist. He called her in some pain medicine, but she took it once and it made her nauseous so she is refusing to take it now. I am concerned that she is sleeping very little and in a lot of pain.
 
Alex received a new prescription for his acne cream and orders for his x-ray. I tried to get his doctor to give him a flu shot, but I think he forgot. I made an appointment for the shot today… I just hope he avoids the flu for two more weeks.
 
My guy friends have all deserted me, and I have basically decided that it is a case of good riddance. I need to move on and quit living in the past where men are concerned.
 
We had a bit of a crisis here last night. I upset everyone and was severely chastised. I almost thought I was going to have to leave here forever. That would not be good because I know of nowhere I can go. My life is tenuous here. Alex gave me the third degree and I really had no choice but to listen. He pointed out some changes that I need to make.
 
This afternoon we went for Alex’s x-ray and dropped by SAM’s Club to exchange a game he bought yesterday. Someone had broken into the box and stolen the CD key. He could not even load the game onto the computer. When I went to get the new copy I found many of the boxes had been tampered with. I reported it to a manager… I hope they will do something about it.
 
Warning: Always check software boxes for tampering. Alex says there is a booming business in selling CD keys. He gets more software than I do and knows more about such things.
 
I finished reading Magic Seeds today. I found the book very slow. I think the almost exclusively male outlook of it may have been part of the problem.
 
I started reading The Treasured One  Book Two of The Dreamers by David & Leigh Eddings. This is a joy after so slow a novel. I loved the first book in the series which I read last year, and this one looks to be just as good.
 
I have removed some email addresses from my address book today. It is a step toward never resuming contact with those men who have so disappointed me. I have not the heart to block their addresses though. If they contact me so be it, but I will not communicate with them first.
 
Did some maintenance on the computer today. Ran spyware and virus scans. I do these often because I find it easier to prevent the problem than fix it later. Alex thinks I am overprotective, but this machine means a lot to me. It is one of my major outlets to the outside world.
 
We had pork chops, broccoli, and rice for supper. I let Alex clean the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. This irks him about as much as it does me.
 
I am very tired this evening, but it feels very good to write. I usually stay up late on Friday night, but may turn in early tonight. I am sure I could use the rest.
 
I am taking some free courses from HP to sharpen my computer skills. Most things I know already but one good piece of information could make the whole course worthwhile.
 
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Busy Day Beginning…

Did not go to sleep until after 3:00AM even though I went to bed before 1:00AM. The screeching alarm went off at 9:00AM and I got up and ate breakfast, then I went back to bed until Mom called me at 10:00AM.
 
Alex stayed home today because he has an appointment with his pediatrician. Normally he would have went to school because his appointment is at 3:15PM, but I could not make it to his school and to the appointment on time. Mom has an appointment for her MRI at 12:45PM and that will take no less than an hour an a half. We have to get some lunch, so it is easier to have us all together.
 
I paid bills this morning and that was such fun… Money comes in and goes immediately out without ever touching my hands. Oh well… At least I started out with money today.
 
I hope to talk to my guy friend today, but I don’t know, he did not answer his phone earlier…
 
Well, it takes a bit to get to town and we have to be at the hospital at 12:15PM to fill out Mom’s paperwork. I will try to get back on later.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Bad Start, Good Ending

Went to bed at 12:30 got up at 7:00, but Alex sent me back to bed and Mom took him to the bus stop. I was not so sleepy, but my eyes were sore and partially closed because I had worn make-up two days in a row. Make-up and contacts do not agree well for me. I did not wear any make-up today because I was staying home.
 
Mom woke me at 8:30 and I did not want to get up, but she is mighty persuasive and damn persistent. Once I was up I logged into the computer and found an email that just about ruined my day… Someone, read a guy, I really care about told me "Good-bye". It is probably for the best because our history is a mixture of ecstasy and treachery, but it still hurts.
 
I needed some validation as a worthwhile human being so I called some of my other guy friends… why do I torture myself? Alex’s dad, was nice enough, but he told me he is pursuing his relationship with the woman who shot herself in the stomach, who he not two weeks ago had told me he had broken up with for good. The upshot of that is that I should call him only if I need him badly, which rarely happens. I then called two other guy friends and they were not answering the phone. This might be a purposeful thing, or maybe they were out… but it left me without solace.
 
I read some and since I had nothing better to do I cleaned out my inbox. I let email build up then I rearrange it and eliminate the non-essential items. It works for me, but I do not recommend my method. 
 
I talked to Mom, and talked to Mom. I also took care of calling her doctor’s office and finding out when her test was scheduled. I tried to get some pain medicine called in for her neck, but the doctor was out of the office. He won’t be in until 1:00 tomorrow. I guess Mom is in for another sleepless night.
 
One of my friends tried to convince me that I am not worthless, nor unattractive, nor a loser when I chatted with him on Messenger. I thought maybe he just does not know me well enough. Then again, I had just been feeling like shit ever since I got the email this morning. I do not take rejection well at all. I will be okay though. I have gone through this sort of thing on numerous occasions, and with this particular person several times. I survived… I am a survivor in so many ways… that is a story for another time.
 
I cooked barbecued pork chops and Mom cooked french fries for Alex and I this evening. I do not fry… actually I am really surprised that I cooked at all. I still detest cooking.
 
My birthday is in July, which makes me a Cancer… but I missed out on the cooking gene. I am a homebody in every other sense, but I hate to cook. I try to get over that from time to time, but even if I do it regularly I still hate it.
 
I managed to take Alex’s picture tonight. Unfortunately you can see his room in the background, but hey he is a teenager. The picture is not the greatest because I snuck in to get it, but it will give you an idea of what my boy looks like. My boy is very dear to me, I have been fighting for him ever since I found out I was going to have him, but that is another story…
 
This book, Magic Seeds by V. S. Naipaul is reading very slow. I want to get through with it so I can start some of the ones I picked up at the library yesterday. The new book area was well stocked yesterday. I only get books from the new book area at the library. If I go into the stacks I wind up going home with books I have read before more often than I like. I have always been a voracious reader. The Summer Reading Program is one of my fondest memories of childhood. I never owned many books as a child, but I made lots of trips to the library. Books were too expensive to own. I began reading at age three and hope to never stop… Libraries are a Godsend.
 
One of the guys I called earlier today called me this evening. He and I have not talked in a while, but  I think maybe we might go out together. We always have an awesome time. He just stays really busy and he does not have much money to spare. Next to the guy who dumped me today he is about my favorite guy of all I have ever met. He is decent and kind and honest… something a lot of the men I have met are not. He could quite easily become my very favorite guy if we were able to see each other enough.
 
Do not think I hate men because of my negative comments… I think men are fantastic. I would not have married three of them if I did not love men. I just have bad luck choosing the right ones to invest my heart in, not to mention my things and my money…
 
I have not always been unemployed and I have had quite a lot of money and things in the past. I will be careful how much I trust anyone in the future though.
 
Tomorrow is going to be really busy, so I better get to bed. I may not write tomorrow, but will try to work an entry in…
 
Always, 
Jo Ann

Addendum…

I forgot to update on the accident I wrote about yesterday. The guy is okay although he is very sore, he has an appointment with a doctor when they come back into the Atlanta area. She made it to Louisiana fine. She took her three kids with her and they were beginning to fidget in the van this evening on the way home.
 
I also forgot to say that Mom chided me for telling her doctor about her symptoms. Alex told her that I did as I should. The doctor needs to know about anything neurological, or else he cannot help her. Speech problems are linked to neurology… I just want us to do all we can to avoid her growing worse.
 
This thing I mentioned yesterday about Medicaid cuts is very serious. A little extra tax on non essentials to fund these programs would benefit everyone. My friend is doing some serious lobbying for it, but others need to get involved… people who are well.
 
All for now…
 
Good-Night,
Jo Ann

Stress in the City…

I was asleep by 12:30AM and rose at 7:00AM. My day did not go at all as planned. I did put Alex on the bus on time, but after that things tended toward the unexpected.
 
I made an early phone call and could not reach the party I needed to talk to. I logged onto the computer and discovered why this was so. Unfortunately, I should have logged on before calling…
 
Mom and James decided that they would go to Lowe’s to shop for a dishwasher and I could meet them there to pick Mom up. Mom wanted me to go into town ahead and go by the library while I was there. I did this and hurried so I would meet them at 11:00AM as they specified. I was at Lowe’s at 10:50, but no Mom or James were there. I had them paged at 11:00, then at 11:05 I decided that maybe Mom became confused and they had gone to Home Depot. So hoping to keep my brother from getting angry with me I drove to Home Depot and looked for his vehicle. Not there, so I went back to Lowe’s now beginning to get frantic. I was thinking they had had an accident or James had had a heart attack (along with lung cancer he has a bad heart) or Mom had had a stroke (she has had several small ones). I had them paged again at Lowe’s at about 11:15 but they still did not show up. The young woman at the desk called Home Depot and had them paged there. Not there… I walked back to appliances and checked with the employees to see if they had seen the pair, but no. I walked outside and checked for the Explorer and it was not there. By now it was 11:30 and these people who always show up on time or early were not where they were supposed to be. I had them paged again and called home and my brother’s house to see if something had kept them at home. No one answered. So at 11:40 I walked outside to get in the truck and contemplate what I should do. Mom called before I got to the truck. They were sitting in the Explorer waiting on me to come out of the store. I could not believe what they put me through. They had shown up a few minutes before. The thing was that Mom told me what James said wrong. He said he would come to pick her up at 11:00 instead of at 10:15 like she told me and then they would come to Lowe’s and I could meet them. This is where Mom’s getting things confused causes me lots of stress. I had forty minutes to think the worst… and they never came in the store. I was near the entrance waiting for those two. Mom laughed at me, and that felt really bad because I was genuinely upset.
 
I took Mom to Hobby Lobby and we shopped, then we went to her appointment. I informed the doctor of the symptoms she forgot, like saying non-sense words out of the blue and confused speech. He wrote this down along with her inability to swallow at times and her soreness in her neck and left arm. He ordered another MRI for this week, so I have to take her miles away again. I was hoping for one day this week at home. He thinks she is having more mini-strokes. I hope he is wrong. I hope she does not get any worse. I am very worried about her.
 
We came home and soon after Alex arrived. He had a good day at school. He went to use his computer and then took a nap.
 
I cooked steaks and rice for supper and cleaned out the dishwasher with bleach. James decided it was dirty and so did not work right. The dishwasher is over twenty years old and worn out… but I had to clean it out. Makes no sense to me. Now we have to clean all the dishes out before we use the dishwasher. Sometimes my family is so difficult.
 
Supper was delicious and for once Alex ate at the table with me instead of going to his room. We talked some it was very nice. We talk everyday, but not over a meal.
 
I took a shower and spent some time with Mom. Now I am here… busy, challenging day.
 
I think I will read a little before going to bed. I hope tomorrow is not so stressful. I don’t like being so scared.
 
Always,
Jo Ann 

Disturbing Developments…

I was asleep by 12:30AM and ignored the screeching alarm clock until Mom woke me at 7:15AM. I managed to get Alex to the bus on time.
 
I returned to the house and began computing for a while. Then I thought of the fact I needed to do my map for this year and did that. The map is a rough plan of goals I set for myself. I do it in color and it consists of words. This year I have a lot I want to accomplish. The biggest thing is probably earn some money. Debt will force you to do that.
 
I had an appointment with Brenda, my counselor, at 1:30PM. I managed to get there early and read some in the waiting room. We discussed my stress, and how to maybe eliminate some of it. Now that I am more awake, aware, and alert things bug me more. My nerves don’t handle the pressure well sometimes. Brenda gave me homework to do, and I am not sure how to write it out, but I will work on it. Lots of times if I write things out I come up with my own answers. That is why I believe so strongly that writing and art keep me sane… if you can call it that.
 
I came home and spent quite a while talking to Mom, who just happens to be part of my stress problem. She and I have some serious communication problems at times and it upsets me no end. I love her dearly, but she drives me nuts often.
 
I cooked barbequed chicken and broccoli rice au gratin tonight. Alex has been eating like a starving hippopotamus lately and I weighed him to find out if he was gaining any weight. He has gained somewhere around 15 pounds since about Christmas. This is good because he was quite thin. However, it means he will have to get outside and do more physical activity if he wants to stay toned. That is not easy for a geek. Computer, Xbox, iPAC are the kid’s favorite things in the world. At least he is not addicted to the idiot box. We rarely watch any television, but he likes to watch DVDs of movies and anime.
 
I got disturbing news this evening. One of my best friend’s husband had a serious accident and totaled his car. She has to drive over to Louisiana and pick him up. I am a little worried about her driving so far because she has some problems with her back. Maybe it will work out okay though. At least he is okay, or we think he is…
 
I also got news from another friend who is going to the Capitol tomorrow to speak in protest of some of the cuts our state government is planning on making to Medicaid. If the plan goes through this very wonderful person may be forced into institutional care. He has a waiver that allows him to live independently with full-time helpers now, but the budget cuts may cause his aid to drop from $75,000 to $36,000. This is very unfair because no one should be forced to live in an institutional (nursing home) environment. His disability is physical and very serious, but he has lived independently for the past eleven years. I pray that the lawmakers will not destroy his life.
 
I worry too that should my condition worsen and I need care that my family were not able to provide that such cuts to the programs could send me into a mental facility and I have vowed I will never go to a state institution again. I do not foresee such an event, as I function normally now, but anything could happen and often does.
 
Seems our government always wants to cut the things that are needed most and take from those who most deserve help. I worry…
 
My SSDI does not meet our needs already… what will happen if that is cut. My credit is maxed out and I cannot borrow any more. I would love a job, but finding one is practically impossible because no one will hire someone with my condition and my ability to work is questionable. It was not even a possibility the past three years because of my inability to sleep or stay awake on any set schedule. At least that has improved.
 
Well, I gotta go…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Quiet Day…

I was asleep by 2:30AM. I stayed up late to finish reading Angels & Demons. This was a very good book. Made me think as well as entertained me. I guess I will finally have to read The Da Vinci Code soon. I have been saving that novel since it first came out. I have been busy with library books.
 
I got up at 10:00AM. Today was a quiet day. I relaxed and read a lot. I started and finished Why Read? by Mark Edmundson. This was a good book on literature and the humanities. I enjoyed reading it.
 
The sun came out, the temperature went up, and all the ice melted away.
 
I failed to cook again today. I guess maybe I will cook tomorrow night.
 
I started reading Magic Seeds by V. S. Naipaul. I can see why this writer has won a Nobel Prize. He writes with a clarity that is wonderful.
 
It is interesting how my reading related to the website I visited at random today. Seems that the meeting of science and religion is becoming a theme for me right now. This is interesting because I am at a point where I am questioning some of my religious thought. I basically do not consider myself a religious person, although I am a Christian. I believe in Christ, His teachings, the Bible, but I am not greatly impressed by religiosity.
 
I wish I knew if anyone is reading here…
 
Oh well, best say "Good-Night".
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Icy Update…

I fell asleep by 12:30AM and awoke in a coughing fit at 9:00AM. It was such good sleep.
 
The temperature outside was 20 degrees when I got up and there was an inch of ice on the ground. The power stayed on except for a few moments during the day.
 
I hung some pictures in my room and tended to email.
 
I hoped for an important phone call all day, but it never came.
 
I spent much of the day reading Angels & Demons. The book is wonderful.
 
The ice melted a little during the day, but things are refreezing tonight. I hope the power stays on despite the tree tops that are leaning on the power lines. When the wind blows the power flickers.
 
My brother, James, shot the ice off of some of the trees this afternoon, but we could still lose power if the tops fall out of the trees or the trees fall. We have plenty of pines that could cause a problem.
 
I haven’t much to say tonight. I really want to finish my book.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Another Day, Almost Paradise…

Went to bed at midnight woke at 7:00AM. When I took Alex to the bus it was about 30 degrees but the temperature has steadily dropped all day. It is now 19 degrees and sleeting a little. I just hope the power stays on. We have alternate heat but so much depends on electricity… such as this machine and I hate it when the power goes out.
 
I finished reading Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. There are so many funny things recounted in it.
 
I began reading one of my own books, which I had been saving quite a while. I have been waiting until I had time to savor it and to run out of library books I find inviting. It is Angels & Demons by Dan Brown. If the power goes out it will entertain me. I am over 100 pages into it and loving it. I do not know why I have resisted reading this so long… I guess it has to do with wanting to read newly discovered books. My picks are not always bestsellers when I read them, but they often end up becoming bestsellers with time.
 
I painted some today, but it did not hold my attention. I was hyper all day. Felt like I was going to bounce off the walls, but at the same time I felt weak. Odd combination. I have not spent much time on the computer. Too busy walking around.
 
I bundled up with gloves and a heavy jacket to walk outside today.
 
I did not cook tonight. I did not feel like preparing a meal. If the power stays on I will barbeque the chicken tomorrow. If not, oh well…
 
I think my coffee this morning almost ruined my day, not sure I am over it yet. Most times I don’t drink coffee. I am a Diet Coke fiend. Coffee can turn my stomach because of its acidity. That is what happened today. I had to take Pepto and Rolaids to calm things down inside. Still have not felt normal all day… but then what is normal? I maybe never feel totally normal. That is a term I find very vague and ill-defined.
 
Well, I want to get back to my book before I go to bed. With any luck I will check in here tomorrow, if not you can assume the power is out.
 
Take Care,
Jo Ann