Category: Journal Writings

Shopping Day…

I went to bed at 12:30AM last night, but my mind did not cut off until around 3:00AM. It was busy, busy thinking about all kinds of things.
 
I got up at 7:00AM to take Alex to the bus, but he took a look at me, took pity on me, and insisted I go back to bed. I did not fuss and did as I was told.
 
Mom called me at 9:30AM and I reluctantly got up. I am really not a morning person. I hate to be bothered when I first wake up. I stop short of growling at others, but I can be irascible when I first wake. I am trying to convert to morning person status, but I have a long history of crankiness to overcome.
 
We had to go shopping today… first we stopped at K-Mart to have a key made for mother’s car. She misplaced hers… as usual we found it this evening, but now we have an extra extra pair. Next we stopped by the bank for something for Mom. It must not have been much because we handled it at the drive-thru and Mom always goes inside the bank for important things. We went to Ross because there was something Mom decided she wanted. We shopped there for awhile. After that we went to Dollar Tree where everything is $1.00. Then we went to Wal-Mart and bought groceries. I think I am going to have to stop eating… groceries are very expensive.
 
We came home and put everything away… It was almost 4:30PM and I have been tired ever since. Going shopping is draining especially when one is coming down with a cold. I sniffled and sneezed all day long. I hope it is only allergies, but I am betting on a cold. I feel too draggy.
 
My eyes were better today. I only rubbed them vigorously a few times. It was nice seeing the world clearly. 
 
I took care of some email and put a Pasta Con Queso in the oven. I did not feel like bothering with more than that for supper.
 
Mom has wanted me with her all evening so I have not been in here alone much. I have read a little in Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim. I hope now that Mom has gone to her room that I will get a little more reading done, but the bed looks awfully inviting.
 
I am hoping for snow overnight, but I seriously doubt it happens. We just don’t have much snow in this part of Georgia. Yesterday was Spring-like… tomorrow is supposed to be frigid… no wonder I am flirting with a cold.
 
I bought a new pillow today. Maybe it will help me sleep better. Pillows go flat so fast with me, this one has a three year guarantee. I don’t think I ever saw a pillow with a guarantee before, leastways I don’t remember it, maybe I just was not paying attention. If this one goes flat I am sending it back to the manufacturer… though I think that might be a little weird. Do your pillows have warranties? Would you send one back? I wonder if there are other things with warranties that I never notice. Am I really that unobservant? I thought I was curious and watchful, but maybe I am not.
 
I better go read my book and leave you with peace…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Contacts Aren’t For Sissies and Other Revelations…

I did not fall asleep last night until after 1:00am because of my contacts. I have the habit of wearing them well over the time recommended and sometimes they really cause a lot of discomfort because of my abuse. I would take them out more often if I could see with my glasses, but I hate to see the world through a blur… Anyway it took about forty-five minutes to remove the contacts and all of it was painful. Today I left them out for most of the day. I put them in about 8:30pm because even though my eyes did not feel really good I wanted to see the computer screen clearly.

Did not wake to the screeching alarm this morning… Mom had to call me at 7:10am and tell me to cut the damn thing off. Penny had jumped in bed with me sometime recently and promptly left when I got up.

I managed to deliver Alex to the bus on time, but was so blind and so uncomfortable with my eyes that I could not see the bus numbers.

I had to fix Mom’s medicine for the next two weeks this morning. I was supposed to do it last night, but somehow I missed it. I think the uncomfortable contacts may have been at fault, or possibly I just got busy and forgot. I think the contacts can handle the blame… I don’t hear them complaining.

This placing all her pills in their respective dispensers has become a regular job for me. I don’t mind and have a system for doing it, but if I were not here she would have to have a nurse come in and take care of it. It is a complicated procedure because she is on so much medication. For a while she was paying $1000.00 to $1400.00 a month for meds, but I got her on some programs that have brought the cost down tremendously. Due to the overhaul of Medicare some of the programs have already disappeared and the others end in the near future. If I cannot get her on the pharmaceutical companies patient assistance programs her bill stands to go back up to nearly what it was before. See the medicines she is on are new and there are no generics for most of them. If they were going to do something about prescription drugs they should have done a lot more. People like Mom who are on Social Security and have to take lots of meds for a quality of life need help… She was spending more on medication than she draws and it will be like that again if I cannot get the patient assistance stuff set up. The thing is I am not sure where to start, and the staffs at the medical offices are not really willing to help find aid. I know there must be a way, and I will try to find it, but it is not the easiest thing in the world for someone like me to do. It is uber stressful and we all know I am supposed to avoid stress.

When I die I want to come back rich… I am so tried of being poor. Poor is stressful and darn it stress makes everything else worse.

Anyway… I am beginning to think that compartmentalizing my life is a big part of the problem with me. I think having all these different secrets to keep from one or another segment of the people in my life drives me crazy. Like here, there are things I don’t say because some of my readership, if there is a readership, might find out something they should not know. I won’t give you a for instance because “they” might be reading… but the theory that it is all to do with compartmentalization intrigues me.

When I have a breakdown and cannot function at all is it because I am too confused to know who the heck I am anymore, or what to say to explain myself? There may be something to this, but I am not professional enough to know. I should probably mention it to my psychiatrist, but he is always so busy I try not to take up too much of his time… and he would probably just listen and nod his head anyway. He is so understanding and so kind and good. He is the best doctor I have ever had, and believe me I have had enough of them to know what, with dealing with this damn disease since 1981. It is no walk in the park I tell you, but life is still good and I enjoy some of it.

When people look at me funny and say, “You have got to be crazy!” I just nod and think ‘Well, yeah, I even have papers.’

About those papers, one day I was talking to my doctor and I said something like, “So the file is pretty thick. You must have a lot of information to prove how crazy I really am.” He looked at me smiling and said, verbatim, “No, all this proves you’re sane.” That was sweet considering my diagnosis. The latest of which is Schizo-Affective Disorder which is near as I can understand it, having both Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder mixed together. A near lethal mix of mental illnesses if there ever was one. I rather just say Schizophrenic and leave it at that as was done with me for many years.

My chart is thinner now, they archived my information recently.

Just so you know, I am on some of the best medications the drug companies can provide and am doing very well right now, thanks. I am not a danger to myself at present and am relatively happy with life. Schizophrenia (Schizo-Affective Disorder) can be managed although there is no cure… and a person can have a somewhat normal life. Not everything in the news, movies, books, and media in general about severe mental illness is true. One thing, we are not all psychotic maniacs, although we may at times deal with challenges that send us into psychosis. I have not been hospitalized for a breakdown since 1997, but did spend some time in one for an overdose (suicide-attempt) in 2000. I was in duress and have vowed to never do anything so stupid again. I have never and will never be a danger to anyone else. I love people too much to want to hurt anyone.

Well, I digress, back to today… The day was beautiful and I went for a long walk, in fact, went for two. I finished reading The Prodigal by Derek Walcott. The language of this book length poem was excellent although I kinda tired of reading it as I went along. I started Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. This one is tasty… great stories of life. If you get the chance to read it do.

I cooked steaks and ramen this evening. It was such an improvement over ramen alone. Alex ate it up in no time at all. Sixteen year olds love to eat, leastways mine does and he is quite thin. Amazing he stays thin since he is a geek and rarely gets out. Thank God he has his own computer now or I would not ever have started this blog. We could not share really well. He hogs computer time when there is only one.

It is okay to be deep in debt if it brings your only child happiness… I keep trying to convince myself of this, but somewhere a doubt niggles at me. I am scared of the debt, sometimes I fear it will swallow me up, but I cannot worry about it too much now, I will worry about it later when it comes to get me and carry me away.

I read some interesting articles on the net this evening… Maybe sometime soon I will learn to link to them so you can read them too.

Well, I should let you go before I bore you to death.

Always,
Jo Ann

Beautiful Day…

Today was a very good day. I went to bed about 12:00 last night, but did not fall asleep until after 1:00. Rose to the screeching alarm clock at 7:00AM.
 
It was not so cold here this morning, it was 20 degrees… heat wave. I took Alex to the bus and came home to the computer. Surfing is addictive!
 
I lay out pork chops for supper. Can’t believe I wanted to cook again. Is this a new trend? Will I become a culinary master? I think not, but I will be keeping my eye on developments. By the way, it is not that I cannot cook. Most people find my preparations quite edible. It is the drudge work involved, there are so many other things I rather do. Like read, write, draw, paint, or use my computer.
 
Penny, our adorable dog, had a 10:00 appointment with the vet so I drove Mom there and back. Mom has Parkinson’s Disease and has had numerous small strokes so she is not supposed to be driving. Now that my sleep cycles are normalizing she won’t be driving at all. I will do it. She has been driving on occasion with me in the vehicle because we were afraid I would fall asleep at the wheel. I have done that a few times, but those days are hopefully over.
 
I spent most of my day here at the desk, except for a walk. It was too beautiful to stay inside all day. We are blessed with some of the most perfect Winter days.
 
I uploaded a few more pictures here this afternoon.
 
I cooked barbequed pork chops, broccoli rice au gratin, and sugar snap peas. Now, I fixed four pork chops for Alex and I, two a piece, right? I took his plate to him with his two chops… when I finally started back to the kitchen to get my second one he informed me he had eaten it. Little rascal…
 
Alex still does not want me to take his picture. I will catch him unaware sometime.
 
The pain was much better today. Withdrawals must be almost over. That is a relief. I am so happy to be free of that sedating medication. Now I must only be sure that I continue to get sufficient sleep. Sleep problems is why I was on the Seroquel to start with, but over the time I took it my dysfunction got worse. It is amazing the improvement I have made in only two weeks. I feel so much more alive.
 
I took some steaks out of the freezer and placed them in the refrigerator for tomorrow night’s supper. Mmm… could be something going on here. Alex is loving real meals. I am amazed I am cooking. Nothing fancy yet, but more than microwaving frozen stuff.
 
This blogging thing is going well, too. I am at best sporadic at journaling and I am doing it almost daily. I like that I am writing something more often. Sometimes I read so much I do not write at all. I need to balance it out more evenly.
 
My mood seems to be growing more positive, and this is very good. I am quite happy with life right now, despite the challenges. Things look good to me. I feel like this year is going to be better than last. I have great hopes for my life to press forward in days ahead.
 
I have been thinking that since I am more alert I can accomplish more. The sluggishness I was experiencing has held me back from many things. Maybe I will stick to exercising some every day since I am not so tired all the time. That would be pleasant change. I actually enjoy walking out here in the country… and I love jumping on the trampoline with Mick singing in the background. I am a serious Rolling Stones fan. I have most of their CDs. I’ve only been to two concerts, (VooDoo Lounge and Forty Licks), but hope to go again. The live shows are great. 
 
Valentine’s Day is coming up and I want someone to love… I have found though that men do not grow on trees out here in the boonies. I guess I am going to have to get out more. I think maybe I can do that now that I am on a more regular schedule. Insomnia and sleep disorders really screw with life, especially social life. Maybe… well, we shall see what happens…
 
Guess that is all for now.
 
Take care,
Jo Ann

Things You Did Not Know

I went to sleep by 12:30 last night and was up at 7:00 this morning. It was 9 degrees here when I transported Alex to the bus. I am glad I warmed the car up.
 
I was in less pain today. I think the Seroquel is almost out of my system.
 
I surfed the internet some this morning and had a couple of outstanding conversations. I wish my days started off so good all the time. The last week with my staying up during the day has been nice. I hope it continues.
 
I have lost 10 pounds since the 11th of January. Coming off the medication is working as I hoped. I hate how some drugs make one gain weight.
 
The car made the trip to my appointment fine… it only complained a little. I really must get new plug wires soon.
 
I am very excited about the idea of getting my own dot.com. I verified that I could have web server space this morning. I hope that I can make the web site as outstanding as the print magazine was when I ran it. It will entail a lot of work for me, but I look forward to it.
 
I found some outstanding sites on the web today. Read quite a bit of information too.
 
I will probably update the links area on here soon.
 
I guess I will open up a little and admit being a Democrat. That does not however mean that I am not patriotic as one of my Republican friends tried to state a while back. He asked me, "Why are you wearing a red, white, and blue shirt? Bleeding heart liberals are not patriotic." That bias is unfair. I love my country and I believe in freedom and democracy. I even pray for our president, even though I do not agree with all government policies enacted during his administration. Another Republican friend during the election said, "If Kerry gets elected our country is going to Hell." I feel that this was extreme. It takes a lot more than politics to destroy a country’s integrity or to restore it. A spiritual revival and less judgmental attitude would do our nation great good. Yet another Republican friend of mine made aspersions on the intelligence of those who vote… I think maybe this was a little snide.
 
I am by no means an expert, but the trends coming from our higher government do disturb me. I worry about the poor becoming even more destitute, while the privileged become more so. I worry about constitutional rights being over-run because it is convenient to government. I worry about privacy issues for all of us. I worry about the deficit when there was previously such a surplus. I worry about the outsourcing of so many jobs. These are all things that are becoming increasingly worse. I worry that moral judgments are being legislated when those are actually between the individual and God as long as no one is being hurt. We need equitable rights for all citizens… that is what freedom is all about. I also worry about the young men and women who are fighting overseas. I wonder about the basis of the war we are in. I hope that it does not become a quagmire America cannot escape.
 
When I see articles about seasoned freedom fighters refusing to return to a war they can no longer believe in, I wonder if maybe our troops should come home. Their lives are at stake and I wonder if the war is worth it. I pray that our young people make it home safely.
 
I think that is enough in that vein for now.
 
I did not read much in my book today. Just took it out in the waiting room for a few minutes. I think a book length poem may not be my particular favorite choice of reading material, but am determined to finish the thing. The language is great, it just goes on and on.
 
Washed more laundry today. Alex’s bedclothes needed freshening and the towels needed cleaning.
 
News Flash : I cooked tonight… we had steak for supper and it was yummy. It was not a prime cut, but it was really good. Being up all day makes me feel more like accomplishing things.
 
Did you hear about the woman who parachuted out of an airplane while eight months pregnant? She went into labor on the way down. She held her legs tight together and prayed until she reached the ground. The baby was delivered and fine. True story…
 
It is amazing what one can learn on the web.
 
Happy surfing to all,
Jo Ann

I Wonder Does Everyone…

I wonder, does everyone think of sex in the shower?  I often do because I am naked, the water is sensuous running over me, and it is hot and steamy. The shower is a delight relaxing muscles and making me feel good all over… much like really good sex. Thankfully the shower is not as infrequent an event as is sex in my life just now.
 
I think I miss the togetherness of a relationship as much as I do the erotic portion. I need the love most, but I am okay. Love comes and goes and has its own ups and downs much as anything else. One must above all learn to find happiness in the self. I think I am learning this.
 
If the coming week goes as well with the sleeping and waking as the past one I will probably work at the library at least a day or two in the following week.
 
I may also go to church next Sunday. Erratic sleep patterns have kept me from that quite a while. I am not sure where I will go to church though. Seems some of my beliefs have grown a little more moderate to liberal and I am not sure I can support Southern Baptist fundamentalism anymore. I am still thinking about it… I am not turning my back on my Christianity, just I want to be more understanding and less judgmental. I really don’t feel I have fit so well in my church for a while.
 
Alex came in, read over my shoulder, and he said the first line was enough to make him not want to read anymore… I hope my subject matter is okay. I just go with what I am thinking. Thought jumps around sometime and so does my writing.
 
Mmm… better go… nothing else to say…
 
Later,
Jo Ann

They Lost…

The Falcons lost… I was hoping that maybe they would make it to the SuperBowl again… but I am not going to let it ruin what has been a pretty good day.
 
I went to bed at 2:30AM and rose at a little before 11:00AM. That is okay because it is Sunday and I had no plans. I wish I did have plans… I could have used some TLC today, but that is fine. Being single is alright. I can do what I want to when I want to and do not have to consider a significant other. Worst thing is there is no-one to snuggle in bed at night. I love snuggling.
 
I think maybe the sleep cycle thing is straightening out. This week is the longest period that I have slept during darkness and been up in the day in years. I was beginning to wonder if I was morphing into a vampire . I am pale enough. At least I have avoided sun damaged skin.
 
The pain is a lot better today. Withdrawals suck! No one should have to deal with such after effects of medication. If it causes that much discomfort imagine what it does to the body.
 
It is quite cold here, finally. I almost thought Spring-like weather was going to last forever. This morning dawned at 10 degrees and right now it is 14 degrees. I think the high was below freezing.
 
I made my first purchase from www.Amazon.com last night. Two computer instruction manuals that will help me with some programs I want to use more effectively.
 
I added some pictures to this space today. I wish the pictures went into alphabetical order like the books and music do. I think that is a nice way to order things. It appeals to my sense of organization.
 
I wanted to post a picture of my son, Alex, but he would not let me take one. I will have to do it craftily when his attention is elsewhere.
 
I have not read much in a book today. I have been reading on the web instead. Found some interesting stuff.
 
I have been washing clothes today, too. Three loads of clothes for a week, too bad Alex refuses to do the wash. He does very little in the way of chores… spoiled… but hey, is that not what teens are all like these days?
 
I hope my car runs well tomorrow as I have to drive it a bit. I have not replaced the plug wires yet, and it may not be exactly content about that.
 
Well, I best go get a shower…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Yesterday cancelled due to…

The power was off for a couple of hours last night due to high winds so I did not file an entry for the day.
 
I went to sleep at 12:30 Friday night and rose at 8:00 on Saturday morning. I stayed up all day. Thank God I was in less pain yesterday.
 
I made some iron on transfers for Mom and helped her decorate some totes. They turned out really well. I think I like the one we made for me best with the Original Creations logo.
 
I finished reading the short story collection, Things that Go Bump in the Night edited by Whitney Scott. This was wonderful I only wish it had been longer.
 
I began reading Derek Walcott’s The Prodigal which is a book length poem. I like it.
 
I will write some updates about today later after the game is over. GO FALCONS!!!
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Not the Best

I was asleep by 11:30PM last night and awoke at 7:00AM today. I stayed up all day.
 
Alex was not feeling well so he stayed home from school.
 
Mom and I left the house before 9:00AM to go to her doctor’s office and turn in some paperwork. We stopped at Pearle vision center to get her glasses adjusted. I was beginning to be in a good deal of pain. Mom carried the papers to the doctor’s office while I sat in the truck.
 
We stopped at Hobby Lobby and did some shopping. I was in so much pain I almost cried.
 
I drove home and we had an argument. It was explosive. I did not mean to upset her, but as is often the case we misunderstood one another.
 
I went for a walk hoping my pain would ease but it only became worse.
 
I thought it must be medication withdrawals, but called my doctor’s office anyway. The second time I called I left a message for the doctor to return my call… the message never reached him. When he called me back after I called the emergency number he apologized for not receiving the message. He said he did not think withdrawals were causing the pain. Now I wonder what is wrong. If I am still hurting like this by Monday he will see me.
 
I have read a little and surfed the internet a bit, but I am very uncomfortable and almost did not write tonight.
 
I hope tomorrow is better.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Awesome

The day began well. I went to bed at 1:00AM and was asleep by 2:00. I woke to the alarm at 7:20AM which was a little late, but managed to put Alex on the bus on time. I stayed up all day… Hooray!
 
An early conversation gave me great pleasure and despite some pain I have worn a smile all day.
 
Today was gorgeous. The weather was marvelous. Such a blue sky and just a touch cool. I enjoyed my walk without wearing a jacket.
 
I finished reading ten poems to last a lifetime by Roger Housden. It was very good. I loved some of the poems he picked to write about.
 
I started reading Things that Go Bump in the Night edited by Whitney Scott. This a collection of stories with ghosts and other supernatural happenings. It is highly entertaining.
 
I am much calmer today than yesterday. Tranquil I would call it. I have aches though like I am taking the flu or something. Probably just coming out of my medication haze and becoming aware of my body fully. The headache drove me to take four Advil twice today.
 
Life is so incredible in its richness… I am so glad to be here. I hope things only improve.
 
It was so good to be awake all day again, maybe the cycle is broken and I will sleep at night like normal people do. That will be awesome.
 
I don’t have too much to say tonight. I am grateful for such a good day.
 
Later,
Jo Ann
 

Tension Ahead

I went to bed at 2:30AM, but did not sleep until sometime around 4:30AM. I got up with Alex at 7:00AM and stayed up all day.
 
Today was grocery day. We left about 9:30 and I drove with Mom into town. We stopped by the library to renew my books. I picked up a few additional ones. We shopped at Wal-Mart and I did okay. I was able to pay for everything. We ate lunch at KFC. First time I ate fried chicken in ages. It was very good. The service was not good, but the food made up for it.
 
We were talking as we finished our meal about pricing mistakes at Wal-Mart and Mom realized she may have been over-charged for a marked-down item. I checked her receipt and sure enough she had been charged $8.00 when it should have been $2.00. It was cold out and the groceries would be fine for a while so we went back to the store to collect her money. That took over thirty minutes because there was only one person working returns and there was a long line.
 
There was an adorable year and a half old boy in line ahead of us and we were entertained by him a while. Babies are so wonderful. People are precious.
 
We came home from town and put away our purchases. It was about 1:30.
 
I checked my email and found one that was upsetting. Seems since my medicine has been changed that I have better attention and more emotion. This is good, but it can make things seem sharper. I guess I notice more… little things that do not worry me when I am numbed bother me now. Maybe part of it is paranoia, that is possible, but then again I just think I am more aware of how things are expressed.
 
I have been in a tense mood ever since I read the email. I have talked to Mom a lot and she has told me to tone it down several times because she said I was yelling. I don’t mean to yell… don’t think I did, but I am agitated. I thought this person was my friend and she sent me a really judgmental note. I did not mean to provoke that kind of commentary and well I think she was harsh, but I will get over it. I could be seeing it wrong. If I did not respect the individual and love her I would not be upset, but I feel insulted and that is an unpleasant way to feel. I cannot write back now, I have to think out my response and say what I have to say very carefully, diplomatically, because she is my friend.
 
It could be that I am over-reacting because sometimes I take things too personally… but I don’t know. Two weeks ago it would have been "Oh well…" but now it matters. I feel things. I am having migraines again and aching all over. I don’t notice all that as much when I am partially sedated. I rather be like this though. I rather feel myself.
 
Stress. Stress is killer. I think sometimes when I am so medicated that it makes all the stress less noticeable. I wish there were a way to minimize stress without numbing a person into zombie-hood.
 
The change in medication is making it so I sleep less and do not fall asleep standing up or eating, so it is good. I just hope that I can get my nights and days straight. That may take some time. Three years of weird sleep patterns cannot be reversed in a matter of days, but I am working on it.
 
Enough.
 
I finished reading The Memory of Running by Ron McLarty. This is the best book I have read in a long while. It takes a look at Schizophrenia sidewise and is a great story. I think Stephen King is right when he says it could be a breakout bestseller. If they make it a movie it will top Forest Gump. I highly recommend this one.
 
I am starting ten poems to last a lifetime by Roger Housden. I hope this will be a fast read because I have some catching up to do on my reading schedule and not a great deal of time to do it in. Three books so far this month when I am supposed to finish at least ten a month…
 
Using the computer does not help my reading get done. I love computing so much that maybe it makes it okay, but I do not want to become a non-reader because of it. I have to feed my mind, but writing is good too… and books are not the only thing one can read. There is a treasure trove of information on the internet.
 
Thank God my walk in the cold fresh air helped calm my headache. I had already taken four Advil and that had not even dented the pain. It seems less now though. I am relaxing a little… quiet helps, not talking, being focused on something besides my tension and pain. Writing is really good. It is like therapy. It is better sometimes because it is self administered. Seems like I can let something go and rest my mind after I write it out.
 
Well I suppose I have gone on long enough. If anyone is reading this, thanks… It is good for me, and maybe makes a difference.
 
Always,
Jo Ann