First of all I want to thank Reeking_Havoc for giving me a new title. I hope adding it to my tagline on Spaces was okay. It definitely makes me smile… though I am not sure it is accurate. I don’t think my diagnosis equates with sane, but I am trying to function at a semi-competent level.  

Well, this was an interesting session with my counselor, because at the last moment I chose to have Mom attend. This was a hard decision for me for several reasons. When I was younger Mom refused to go to my sessions. It might have really helped me had she gone, but she could not be bothered with it. She tends to think that I always talk about her in sessions, which is not true, but she has a negative perception of the process. Then lastly, I was nervous to have her in that intimate a setting with me, I was afraid that if I was honest that she might fuss at me over whatever I said after we left the office. Sitting in that little room and talking with both these people was really difficult for me and took a great deal of courage, it was intense.

My counselor handled it with aplomb. My respect rating for this woman increased exponentially this afternoon. I already thought her exceptional, partly because she sees me without any monetary compensation, partly because she has helped me get on the pharmaceutical aid program, partly because she has a heart, and I am honored to call her my friend. Today she just completely outshone all my expectations. She worked so flawlessly. I am amazed. I knew I was blessed to have her in my life already, but now… I am speechless.

This session did a tremendous amount to ease the tensions between mother and I, and I feel brought new understanding to both of us. I just hope the strategy we put in place works, and I have every reason to believe it will. Mainly we worked on giving me some boundaries here at home that would serve to give me some feeling of safety and security. Like mother asking my ex-sister-in-law to call before she comes to visit mother so that I may leave the house before she arrives and thus avoid confrontation. I had already tried to convince Mom to agree to this, but she would not. My counselor convinced her that it was a really excellent idea and that it should be no inconvenience to my ex-sister-in-law. It only after all takes a moment and might advert all sorts of unpleasantness. I told them that I now seriously feared for both my emotional and physical safety with that woman. I also brought up the fact that she has been known to, in the past, carry a concealed firearm. Tempers what they are anything could happen… and I don’t want to be shot. Though I at some points in the past thought dying would be appropriate, I no longer feel that way. Another thing we talked about was the fact that my vocal volume increases when I experience almost any intense emotion, it even happens in session at times and I am mostly unaware of it until someone calls my attention to it. It happens frequently at home, and I mean no harm. Anyway, my counselor talked with us about it and we agreed to work on it in a constructive way instead of my mother yelling at me that I am hollering at her. If she can remember and overcome years of habit, she is going to make a soothing hand motion and ask me to quiet down politely. I will also try to heed the signal and lower my tone. This could be a major breakthrough in communication between us.

My counselor and I are going to work on emotional management in future sessions. We were already planning this, because I had told her it was an issue. She gave me homework to do from a book called: Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life by Scott Spradlin. I am ordering this book from Amazon when my check comes in, so that it will be easier for us to work on it.

Thank God for earth angels like my counselor. I only wish there were more like her.

Mom wanted to stop in town for fried chicken, so we did and she bought me supper. Then she offered to buy Krystals for Alex. So I did not have to cook tonight.

I am back to writing in One Note because MSN crashed on me again and I am afraid I might lose my work. I like the bigger font size too, only drawback is it takes up more space.

Well, I am still having difficulty typing and my hand and arm hurt so I am going to take a break. This was a pretty long entry. I may be back later. You all take care.

Always,

Jo Ann

I have come to feel that Spaces is my home on the web. I really like my Space, and enjoy writing here. I have discovered some truly awesome people on Spaces, I like to think of them as my friends. It took me a long time to become comfortable with making comments on the other blogs I visit because I did not feel my words had much worth. I am basically a shy person and find making friends a bit difficult, but the computer makes it so I can interact without so much nervousness. This is a good social network for me, and I enjoy it very much. It gives me a little glimpse into other people’s lives and thoughts, which makes me feel less an outsider. I feel more commonality and not so strange.

I am glad MSN made Spaces because otherwise I probably would have never entered the world of blogging. I do wish they would improve the service though and they probably will with the next version of MSN.

I have discovered that the link property in One Note does not exist. So I will probably wait until daytime to put in the links I had in my earlier message.

I will test Word again later today and see if I can use it as my text editor. I know some others who blog use it. It is my favorite word processor. I have been using it since it debuted. The program has advanced so much since those days. I like this little program, I just began a six month free trial of One Note today. I think it has potential. I will have to explore it more.

Well, I better get to bed. Hope you have an excellent Tuesday.

Always,

Jo Ann