Sunday afternoon, Mom bathed Hope and I dried her with the blow dryer. Mom also bathed Ko-Ko. I took some pictures of Hope and posted them to my blog. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Monday, we went to town and I got my Depo-Provera shot. We ate lunch at the area’s best Mexican restaurant, Monterrey’s on Fairburn Road. It was a delicious treat. We picked up food and drink for Mom’s clear liquid diet at Wal-Mart. When we returned home, I did some computing and reading. Alex called and we talked about an hour. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

On Tuesday, we took Hope to get her booster on the Lyme Disease vaccination. The ticks are so bad this year that I was afraid to leave her without protection. The shots were expensive, but I would be devastated if Hope were paralyzed or had mental problems. The preventative was a better option than taking chances. We stopped at the vegetable stand on the way home and bought some tomatoes. They make ham sandwiches so much better. I computed and read quite a lot. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

I woke up at 5:20 this morning and ate my Moon Pie. I was drowsy so I went back to bed and got up again at about 7:45. Mom asked me what she was supposed to eat for breakfast and I told her any of the clear liquids we had picked up. She is not a happy camper. I think the next few days are going to be extremely long and difficult for me. Mom is not pleasant when she does not eat exactly what she wants. The test is Friday so I hope it will bring good answers.

 

Mom is complaining about my stuff on the table again. As I have told her repeatedly, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. Therefore, that is very annoying and I am not in the best of moods today.

 

Alex just called. He got his first speeding ticket this morning and is not very happy about it. He and I talked a while and I think he felt better by the end of the call. Talking to him also improved my day.

 

Alex is a wonderful person and I am always so proud that he is my son. I am fortunate he grew up to become such an outstanding young man. I hear about things other young people do and am just so glad Alex stayed clear of trouble. He told me he is likely to deploy to Afghanistan in August 2010, or maybe February 2011. I was hoping he could avoid that a while longer. Deploying to Afghanistan is scarier than Iraq. We dealt with two deployments to Iraq well, because we stayed in close communication, but it probably will not be possible in Afghanistan.

 

That sums up what is going on here. I hope everyone else is doing well.

 

Always,
Jo Ann

I walked one mile with Hope last Sunday evening. I spent time on the computer and reading.

 

Monday was a quiet day. I read and computed much of the day. I finished reading Not My Daughter by Barbara Delinsky. I enjoyed the novel. It explores the effects of a pregnancy pact on families and the community. It is a very well written book and confronts a timely issue in an informative manner. The characters are very interesting and draw you into the story. Hope and I walked one mile. The heat was so bad that I was not comfortable to walk more.

 

Tuesday we stayed home and the day was a quiet one. I spent most of my time on the computer and reading. I had some pleasant phone conversations. My printer would not print because one of the ink cartridges was malfunctioning. My sister-in-law, Linda, came because she had received a letter she believed was to Mom. I looked at the form, and because the letter was to James, told her she had to complete it because she was now the property owner. I wound up filling out the form and having Linda sign it. She finally said thank you for my feeding the horses during her vacation. Hope and I walked one mile.

 

I set my alarm, and it woke me at 7:30am on Wednesday. I got a shower and did a slow process of waking up as usual. Mom had an appointment with her neurologist at 11:15 and that went well. I asked permission to go to a six month interval between appointments, instead of the three months we have been doing, and the doctor approved. I think with Mom’s condition being fairly stable that the regular appointments can be more widely spaced. If there are any problems, I will call earlier. We took the form Linda had brought the day before to the courthouse. I went by the library and returned some books. There were no interesting ones on the new arrivals shelves so I checked nothing out. I returned the malfunctioning ink cartridge to Cartridge World and they replaced it with a new one free of charge. I copied the paperwork I had to send to DFCS. I wrote my other sister-in-law Carol to stop sending friend requests on Face book. She sent me a message full of lies and I became very upset. I talked to Reba, Leigh, and Alex on the phone because I needed their reassurance to calm down.

 

Thursday, one of Mom’s friends called her and woke me up. I just could not really come to life. All day I was sluggish. Because it was the third of June and my Social Security had come in we went to town. We went by the post office where I mailed the form and supporting documentation to DFCS so that my Medicaid will continue. I passed the bank, so I had to back track and withdraw the money I owed Mom. We went to Sam’s and shopped. We picked up my meds. We shopped at Wal-Mart. When we returned home I unloaded our purchases from the truck. Later I found one of my prescriptions was not correct so I called Sam’s and they said they would fix the problem. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Friday, I stayed in my pajamas all day. I computed, read, and took it easy. Mom had a runny nose so I suggested she try Benadryl instead of the Claritin she had been taking. She became nauseated and did not feel well all day. I felt very bad because I meant to be helping her.

 

Saturday morning I woke up with a sore neck. We drove into town and I stopped by the chiropractor for an adjustment. It seemed to help some with my pain. I went by Sam’s and exchanged the bungled prescription for the right one. We drove to the Cumberland Mall area and went to Barnes & Noble. This was my first trip to the store and it was huge. There were so many bargain books to choose from. I had the $25 gift card Linda gave me for Christmas, and I soon picked up more than it afforded. I wound up with two beautiful blank books – one lined and one unlined, List Your Self by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick – this is a new edition of the book originally published in 1996, North River by Pete Hamill, How to Write What You Want & Sell What You Write by Skip Press, Wizards edited by Jack Dann and Gardner Dozois, Just Breathe by Susan Wiggs, and The Age of Miracles by Marianne Williamson. I made some suggestions and Mom bought several books as well. We went to Anna’s Linens and I bought a beautiful comforter for $14.99. It would have been much more expensive anywhere else. Mom bought some rugs and a chair cover. We ate a late lunch at Steak & Shake. When we were on our driveway, we met Leigh on her way out. She turned around and came back to the house. She and Edith visited with us for a while. After they left I did some computing and reading. I finished House of Secrets by Richard Hawke. This was a very good novel. It dealt with politics, crime, law enforcement, and family. I enjoyed reading it. Hope and I walked one mile. Mom was exhausted and went to bed early, but she got back up because she could not go to sleep, she eventually went back to bed. I prepared medicine for the next week for both Penny and I. I used the computer and read more. I let time slip away from me and did not go to bed until almost 2:00am.

 

I woke at 8:00am and have been taking it easy today. I have read in the book I began last night and checked Facebook for anything to which I needed to respond. I also read all the email that came in overnight and so far today.

 

That catches up with what has been going on with me. I hope everyone has a good week.

 

Always,
Jo Ann

Exercise 4: A Person in Your Life
Writing Your Self by John Killick & Myra Schneider
Chapter 12
Section 1: Getting Started

 

I have a second brother, other than James, who died on March 15, 2009. His name is Melvin, although I think he goes by George now. I do not call him George, because that was my father’s name and because I grew up calling him Melvin. I do not consider this living brother family anymore because he has not been in contact with my mother and brother, James, in about eight years.

 

My father sexually abused me, to my knowledge from about the age of three and continuing after I was an adult, up until the time of his death almost fifteen years ago. I told no one (except my husbands, who I swore to secrecy) until after his death. I was in intensive therapy and worked through the trauma. I had already forgiven my father, but the therapy helped me face the results of his deeds. I am deeply scarred. One aspect of the damage is the effect on my memory. My memory of my life has many blanks because I erased parts of it to cope with the abuse and I have ongoing memory problems. Sometimes I forget things in the short term and do not recall the details until later. I also am unable to visualize. I cannot see anything in my mind. I rely on photographs to remind me of the faces I love because I cannot bring pictures of them up mentally.

 

My father also abused a number of other people. I even had to take Alex in to therapy because he had been traumatized. My brother, Melvin, learned my father had abused my nieces about eight years ago. He no longer had my father to take his wrath out upon so he accused my mother of allowing it to happen. When I learned he was going to confront my mother, I asked her if she had known my father was a molester. My Mom told me she knew nothing about my father’s misdeeds. She has never lied to me, so I believed her. I know that the things that happened to me were done in secret at times which Mom could have had no knowledge of events. I was so sad that I had to tell her what my father had done. I never wanted her to know, it was not her fault.

 

My brother, Melvin, came and confronted my mother. She told him she had never known about the abuse. Melvin told her he did not believe her and that he never wanted to see or have any contact with her again. For years, Mom continued to call on his birthday and on holidays to tell him that she loved him and wanted to be a part of his life. He never answered or returned her calls and has never visited again. A few years ago, I told my Mom that she had done enough trying to reach out. I had remained in contact with my sister-in-law, Carol, through email, but with their ignoring my Mom and James, I finally decided to end my contact with her. I began to consider that I had only one sibling.

 

One of my nieces, Carrie Leigh, is very close to my remaining family. We talk often and she visits when her time allows. I depend on her for help with Mom should anything arise that I cannot handle. She does not blame my mother for things my father did. I consider Leigh one of my best friends. She is the only member of Melvin’s family who has continued contact with all of us.

 

When I joined Facebook, Carol requested I become her friend. I ignored the request three times and then wrote her a note asking her to quit sending requests. The exact text of the message I sent her follows: “You and Melvin no longer want to be a part of my family. You have not been in contact with Mom or James in many years. You two made the decision to ignore us. Mom did nothing wrong and I will not desert her, I promised James I would take care of her. I have ignored your request three times, I would rather not block you, but I will not change my mind. Please respect my wishes.”

 

She replied: “We all must do what we feel is best for us and for our family. Apparently James and possibly you and your mom felt it was best to shut us out. We accept that if that is the case. It hurt both of us terribly to find out that James passed away by reading the obituary in the newspaper.
Our attempts at contact were met with hostility and death threats. What other choice did we have but to cease contact after that kind of reception? I’m sure you heard only one side of the events. If at any time in the future you wish to hear the other side, just let me know.
I hope you sincerely do not believe your mom did nothing wrong. If you do, that’s on your shoulders. Not mine, not Melv’s.
Your wish will be respected. Just know that while we feel we have been shut out, our love continues.”

 

I was appalled that she would send me a message so full of lies. Mom, James, and I did not shut them out. They cut off contact with James and Mom. I finally felt I could no longer be in contact with Carol and be loyal to my mother and brother. All during the time James was ill with cancer, Carol and Melvin failed to call or visit him. James decided since they could not be family while he was alive, he did not want them informed upon his death. That was completely understandable and the family respected his wishes, so they learned he had died from the newspaper.

 

My mother never acted hostile toward my brother and his wife. She made every effort to reconcile with them. There were no death threats. I have been with my Mom almost constantly for the last ten years. She has never wanted anyone dead. She is not a violent person.

 

I trust my Mom to tell me the truth. She is no liar. When she told me she had no idea my Dad had mistreated any of us, I never doubted her. I will not attribute wrongdoing to someone who is innocent. Mom and I have discussed what happened to me, not in detail because it causes her pain, and had she realized my Dad was a molester she would have protected me and the others who were exposed to his abuse. My father was very sneaky about what he did. There was no way for my mother to recognize his perfidy. None of us who were abused ever told her what happened. Sexual abuse and incest were not open issues like today. It was not discussed and I was afraid to tell anyone, as I would suppose the others were.

 

I hope Carol will leave me alone. I find it hard to believe there remains any love for us with she and Melvin. I promised my brother, James, that I would take care of Mom and I will not desert her. Nor will I torture her by being in contact with people who have been so inconsiderate of her. We are not the villains here. The blame for the rift in our family lies with my father who is dead, Melvin, and Carol. There is nothing that can be done about my father’s actions. Forgiveness is my solution for dealing with the monstrosity of it all. Carrying hate toward my Dad would only poison my life. Carol and Melvin have been apart from us so long now that I feel the differences are irreconcilable. I have no brother.

 

It is terrible that my family has been destroyed like this, but within the portion that remains there are tender loving bonds. None of us is perfect, but we deal with what life has dealt us to the best of our ability. Unspeakable horrors were perpetrated on me, but I survived. I learned to let go of the blame and move on with my life. I am sure it is not the life I would have had were there no abuse, but it is a life and that is precious.

 

I hope one day Melvin and Carol will realize shutting us out of their lives is their loss, but I must go on without worrying about them. They must deal with the consequences of their actions. I am not responsible and will not be drawn into the drama. The blame they place on us upsets me, but I can do nothing to repair the damage.

 

This piece covers many relationships to explain the one between Melvin and me. I wish there were a different outcome. I wish Melvin and Carol were supporting my efforts to make Mom’s remaining days comfortable, but that is not to be, and I cannot afford to fret over it. I am doing my best to be a good daughter and a humane person. If I am wrong, I leave the judgment in God’s hands.

 

Mom is eighty years old and she deserves peace and respect in the time that remains for her. Her health is fragile and I am doing my best to care for her. She read what Carol wrote me and it upset her terribly. I will not allow that to happen again. I have a responsibility to protect my mother; she can no longer do it herself.

 

Sincerely,

Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

The last few days have been quiet. Wednesday night Laura came into town to get Alex’s tags and spent the night here. She left without even seeing Mom or me on Thursday morning. She did get Alex’s tags and headed back to Cherry Point to spend some more time with him.

 

I washed several loads of clothes on Thursday. Mom started washing and it just exhausted her, so I took over. My blog was off line all day, so I could not post my thankful list to it. Hope and I walked one mile.

 

In the wee hours of Friday morning, I joined Facebook. I had been resisting it for a long while. I spent a lot of the day Friday on Facebook. I connected with many classmates from high school. I also connected with some of the people on Journal Writing. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

I talked to Alex on Saturday afternoon. He and Laura were doing well. He had bought another old pickup truck. I spent a good bit of the day on Facebook. I posted many pictures on my blog. There were thunderstorms, which terrified Hope.

 

Today was quiet. Alex called a couple of times. Laura left Cherry Point to come back home. I talked to my best friend Reba, and my niece Leigh. I walked one mile with Hope. We came in and almost immediately, a thunderstorm started. The rain poured. I posted some things on Facebook. Mom took my picture so I could post a current photo. She actually handled the camera better than she had ever done before. We had hot dogs and fries for a late lunch.

 

Well, that is about all that happened. I have not finished a book because I have been on the computer so much.

 

 

 

This is a photo of Hope and me taken just today. You can see the screen of my laptop and infamous stack of books in the background. The teddy bear is the one Alex gave me for Valentines Day.

 

Smiles,
Jo Ann

The last few days I have spent a good bit of time surfing the web. I am getting familiar with Internet Explorer 8. I have been switching between sites on different tabs and exploring. I had to call AT&T yesterday because my internet connection kept being dropped. They found the frequency was set wrong on the line, so they changed it. It has been working better since they adjusted it.

 

Yesterday, I finished reading The Wild Zone by Joy Fielding. This was a very good novel. It kept me involved from the first page to the last. The ending was unexpected, but totally right for the story.

 

Hope and I walked two miles on Monday and Tuesday. I thought we might not get to walk both days because of rain, but it cleared off in the evenings and we walked. It is so hot even in the late evening.

 

Alex called last night and we talked without any harshness.

 

Today, I went to the chiropractor. Mom and I ate at Wendy’s. Mom paid for my lunch and a vanilla frosty. I took some books back to the library, picked up one book I had on hold, and checked out some new books. We went to Sam’s, picked up Mom’s medicine and several things that were on her list. At Wal-Mart, Mom got a food chopper and some groceries. She bought me a package of Breyers Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. I borrowed enough money to get some Diet Cokes since they were $5.00 a case. I will pay her back when I get my disability payment next week.

 

I dressed up in some new clothes today. It felt good to be in nicer things. I probably will change before I walk Hope.

 

That catches up with my week so far.

 

Smiles,
Jo Ann

Exercise 3: Here and Now
Writing Your Self by John Killick & Myra Schneider
Chapter 12
Section 1: Getting Started
Monday, May 24, 2010

 

There is a stack of fourteen books sitting here by my laptop. These are mostly books I have purchased over the last few months. One is a book Mom bought me and two are books I bought a while back. I want to read these books or I would not have gotten them, but I check out so many wonderful books from the library that these are neglected. Most people may consider this a crazy way to conduct my reading, but it is an old habit. I must have hundreds of books I purchased but have not read. I always tell myself I will get to them, and I do from time to time. However, I am much more likely to read a library book.

 

I have already read fifty-three books this year. Most of that number has been library books. I am hoping to read more than one hundred books this year. I wish my reading speed were faster so I could read even more. I am keeping a list of the books I read in one of my journals that is specifically for that and I enter them on GoodReads.com. Next year I plan to note a short review of the books in my book journal. I have only been listing title, author, dates read, and number of pages in my book journal. On GoodReads.com, I have been writing a short review so I do not know if one in the book journal might be redundant.

 

Saturday afternoon I told my niece, Leigh, that the only thing I did not like about my laptop was I often do unexpected things by touching the touchpad while typing. She told me on most laptops there was a button above the touchpad that would turn it off. I found it and now I am very happy with this computer. I wish I had mentioned that problem sooner because since August I have had some terrible incidents because of inadvertently touching the touchpad. Sometimes although I have been using computers over twenty years, I do the stupidest things with them.

 

Mom is not feeling well today. Her chest is tight and she is coughing rather badly. I encouraged her to take Maximum Strength Mucinex and Loratadine and already there is an improvement. She is sleeping on the couch and I suppose that is the best thing for her. I am always trying to help her feel the best she can.

 

I did not wake up until 9:00 this morning. Sleeping that late is becoming less frequent for me even though I am staying up rather late. I like the quiet after Mom and the puppy dogs have gone to bed. I usually read or compute during those peaceful moments.

 

Today I decided to concentrate on this exercise. The instructions were rather long and I do not really like copying them from the book anyway so I did not include them at the beginning. The instructions said to concentrate on your surroundings and write in detail about something there then move on to writing about yourself or other things. The book I am getting these exercises from is a very good one. I enjoyed reading it and think the exercises are very useful. I often need some prompt to get me writing because my natural inspiration seems to have disappeared. I hope to begin writing more. I find that if I write my creativity begins to stir. I guess I should try to write a journal entry every day, but often I am not motivated to do it. I like reading too much and I have a daunting goal for how many books I want to read this year. Writing simply takes up so much time. I am not a fast typist, nor am I quick with a pen. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am writing and how I am expressing myself. Although most books encourage disregarding spelling and grammar I do not like to do it. I am too much a perfectionist to allow myself that leniency. I have written more here than I ever expected. Producing even a page is usually difficult. I suppose I am in a verbose mood today.

 

Last night I registered for an email account at Google.com. I do not intend to stop using my current account, but think having another one might be a good idea. I set up my homepage on Google and found it fun. I added Hangman to the page and wound up playing the game repeatedly. I won, most of the time. I always loved playing that game. I do not have any games on the laptop except the ones that come loaded with Windows, but on the old desktop, I have many games. I rarely use the desktop anymore; it has mostly become file storage. I did clear out the desk chair so that I could use it more easily. Since Leigh brought the executive chair from Alex’s room to the table where my laptop is located, I have been much more comfortable using it.

 

There are only five years of blog entries listed on my MSN Spaces blog now. I guess the service has been deleting them to conserve server space. I am very upset about this policy because back when I started my blog in 2003 I was not saving my entries anywhere else. Now those are gone forever. I wish they had notified me that they were going to limit the blog so I could have copied what I had stored there. I really thought the internet was forever, bad mistake. Sometimes the way Microsoft does things irritates me very much. Right now, I cannot use the MSN service because it conflicts with Outlook so I called MSN and asked them to suspend my account until the new version of the software comes out. They told me they could not do that. The only way I can stop paying for something I cannot currently use is to cancel my account. I really want to continue when the new version comes out, so I am stuck paying. It seems very unfair. I guess when a company is as big as Microsoft they can get away with treating their customers poorly. The thing is everything is so Microsoft dependant that I cannot stop using their products to show my displeasure.

 

I finished two more books since I wrote my journal entry yesterday. They were:
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins is a very good young adult novel that should appeal to most adults. It tells an interesting story set in the near future. I liked the characters and the challenges they faced.
Blockade Billy by Stephen King is a very short book. It is interesting and the narrator’s voice is compelling. The story is trademark King.

 

I guess I have written enough. I need to eat lunch and change out of my pajamas. I have been lounging around ever since I woke up.

 

Smiles,
Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Laura, Alex’s girlfriend, came by Tuesday afternoon and picked up Alex’s waterproof boots and the clothes Mom bought him as a birthday present.

 

Wednesday, I went to the chiropractor and took Mom’s bills to the post office to mail. We went by Lowe’s and Mom bought a weed-eater and two 2 gallon gas cans. We ate lunch at Wendy’s. I had the $2.99 chicken sandwich special. I like this meal pretty well and it is about the cheapest full meal I can get. I took the books that needed renewing to the library and something very strange happened. All 20 or so art books I had were on reserve to one person. It was like she knew what I had checked out. I think I am going to get a new library card because I think mine might be compromised. We went by Wal-Mart and picked up a few things Mom needed. At Sam’s I got my Adipex prescription and Mom bought some beautiful new dishes and a few other things. Hope and I walked two miles. I finished reading Climate of Change by Piers Anthony. I enjoyed this book. It covered many eras of history and told a series of engaging stories in a novel form.

 

Thursday, we took Hope to the vet and she had the Lyme disease vaccination. I was worried about her getting infected because most days when we walk I find a tick on her later. Mom paid for the shot and I will pay her back at the beginning of June when I receive my disability payment. We went to PetsMart to buy dog food. I found the Shih Tzu mug I had been wanting and bought it. I also bought two clearance toys for Hope. My phone went out in the afternoon and I discovered it when Alex called on Mom’s line and said mine was ringing but not connecting. I tried it and could not get a dial tone. My DSL was still working. I called the phone company and went through all their troubleshooting steps, but could find nothing amiss. I set up an appointment for the repairman to come out even though AT&T said it would cost $85.00. Mom said she would pay the service call because there was just no way I could afford it. It rained overnight.

 

Friday, the technician from AT&T was supposed to come between 8:00am and 12:00pm. I dressed early so he would not find me in my pajamas. I called Uniden tech support to find out if there was a problem with my new phones and was reassured that they were functioning properly. The problem was definitely in the line. I moved a lot of bags of new stuff into Alex’s room so the technician could get to the phone jack. At almost 12:00, after I had called to see if he was lost, the technician called on my line and said he had found a lightning strike at the junction box a couple of miles up the highway. He did not come to the house so I will not be charged for a service call. He said that my DSL continuing to work was just one of the weird things they find sometimes. It was so fortunate that the lightning did not strike Mom’s line too. I put the new dishes in the cabinet and put the 40 and 60 year old ones in the boxes to give to my niece, Leigh. I also put the newest set of Corelle dishes up in the cabinet so they could be used instead of waiting in hiding. I had to do a lot of rearranging to fit everything in the cabinet. Hope and I walked one mile.

 

Saturday, Mom went out with her best friend, June. I vacuumed the floor. It was nice being able to get to most of the floor in my room. I skipped Alex’s room because it is a disaster area with all my stuff piled into it. Mom had a spell of weakness in her legs while she was out. I think it was due to going too long without eating. When she ate she felt better immediately. She brought me a pink scrub top with kittens and puppies on it from Garden Ridge, which had just opened in Douglasville. Leigh and her family visited. They brought pizza for supper. I let my great-niece, Edith, borrow Under The Dome by Stephen King. When they left around 9:30 they took the old dishes with them.

 

This morning Mom went to Sunday school with her friend, Betty. June is supposed to bring her home. I am just hanging out with the puppy dogs. I plan on doing some reading after I finish this entry.

 

I hope all of you have a pleasant day and that the upcoming week is a good one.

 

Smiles,
Jo Ann J. A. Jordan