Repeat Exercise 2: Patterning
Writing Your Self
Chapter 12
Section 1: Getting Started
Saturday, April 17, 2010

Choose one of these opening phrases, complete a sentence with it and then add several more: ‘Today I am’, ‘I shall never’, ‘I want’, ‘I don’t want’, ‘Because I’, ‘I am going to’, ‘I won’t forget’, ‘I remember’, ‘Every day I’.

I won’t forget my brother, James, and how much I loved him even though we did not always agree.
I won’t forget how excited I was the day Mom allowed me to get my puppy dog, Hope.
I won’t forget how much I loved to go to the lake or river and water-ski in Summer.
I won’t forget how I was bullied when I was in school, the scars are still there on my soul.
I won’t forget the first time I held Alex in my arms after he was born.
I won’t forget how proud I was when Alex decided to become a United States Marine.
I won’t forget how happy I was to have a place to live when Mom allowed me to move in with her.
I won’t forget how much I enjoyed managing a convenience store.
I won’t forget my Jeep Liberty, even though I had to give it up because of financial difficulty.
I won’t forget how generous my mother is to me.
I won’t forget how bad it hurts to be forsaken by people you love.
I won’t forget how much a smile and a kind word can mean.
I won’t forget to tell those I love that I love them often.
I won’t forget being happy is a choice I make every moment.
I won’t forget that dreams can come true when one perseveres to make them happen.
I won’t forget what it is like to be lonely.
I won’t forget that prejudice is cruel.
I won’t forget that simple things can cause great pleasure.
I won’t forget that a label is not who a person is.
I won’t forget that music can make a long walk seem shorter.
I won’t forget that credit cards can cause financial disaster.
I won’t forget to respect those who defend our country and those who work to keep us safe.
I won’t forget how happy being in love can make me feel.
I won’t forget people are generally wonderful and kind.
I won’t forget what a privilege it is to have access to a library.
I won’t forget the first time I was praised for writing a poem.
I won’t forget that friendship is a give and take situation.

Now try this again using a feeling or state of mind in the form: ‘Hope is’, ‘Fear is’, ‘Determination is’, ‘Rage is’, ‘Disappointment is’, ‘Serenity is’, ‘I am afraid’, ‘I love’, ‘I’m angry because’, ‘I hope’, and so on.

I hope I never become so jaded I do not appreciate love.
I hope growing older does not debilitate me.
I hope Mom lives to be at least 100 years old.
I hope Alex’s life is always full of happiness and goodness.
I hope I am always able to read many books and my eyesight does not get worse.
I hope my puppy dog, Hope, is with me a very long time.
I hope my writing improves.
I hope I am able to pay my loans off in a timely manner.
I hope I fall in love with a wonderful man again one day.
I hope my friend, Reba, heals well from her back surgery.
I hope people grow more understanding of mental illness.
I hope my pain continues to be bearable.
I hope I am always able to afford some of the things I want and most of what I need.
I hope God keeps Alex safe as he serves as a Marine.
I hope I can be an encouragement to other people.
I hope I do not regain the weight I have lost.
I hope that I can someday set up a web site for writers and artists that is like the magazine I used to publish.
I hope I always enjoy learning new things.
I hope it becomes possible for people to live in peace.
I hope my friends and family always enjoy much happiness.
I hope I can go on a short vacation someday.
I hope my bills do not go up very much.
I hope I get another vehicle someday.
I hope my old desktop computer lasts many years because it has some programs and much information on it, which I cannot put on my laptop.
I hope I am always able to take care of my Mom.
I hope we get enough rain this year to keep us out of drought.

I really do not know how to approach this subject anymore. My ideas and feelings have changed so much. I still tend to think of myself as a Christian, but I am so open-minded and questioning that I am not sure it is a fair characterization anymore.

 

There are so many things about most churches and their people with which I no longer agree. I still pray and find solace in the fact I feel that someone listens, but I do not do it as religiously as I once did. I know most of the fundamentalist Christians will probably ask God to kick me out of Heaven if I am so fortunate as to make it there.

 

See I believe a woman has a right to choose what she does should she become pregnant and finds for personal reasons or health reasons that she cannot carry the child to term. I would never call her a sinner or baby killer if she chose abortion as her best option. Better a child never be born than live a loveless life because of being unwanted. Also there are situations where health concerns for mother or child can make the choice to terminate conscionable. Many of my Christian fellows think this opinion makes me an infidel, I can live with that, I have been called names before.

 

I believe that people who are gay or lesbian should have the right to marry and have the same privileges as heterosexual couples. Love in my opinion makes the union sacred. The ceremony only makes the legalities apply. Any two people who love one another and are committed to one another should be allowed to enjoy the privileges of marriage. I know my church would not be happy should they be fully aware of my opinion. That may, in fact, be one reason I no longer attend services on a regular basis.

 

I no longer believe there is only one path to Heaven. Christianity is wonderful and I find some of its ideas and customs are appropriate to my life, but because someone else sees fit to believe differently does not make me believe they are condemned. I am not even sure I believe in a literal Hell anymore. I have seen enough suffering on Earth that I have a hard time reasoning that a loving God would punish a person forever. My view of God is open to forgiveness for even the most heinous of acts. I can understand how people would be drawn to other faith traditions and I believe most of them would not have survived through time if the paths were not valid ways to connect with God.

 

Judgment is God’s prerogative, and I am only human and prone to mistakes. I cannot stand over my fellow beings and find fault in their beliefs. Beliefs are personal, and I am by my own fallibility unsuited to judge.

 

I constantly educate myself through reading and evaluating ideas with which I come in contact. There is information that informs my opinions, and there are deep emotions involved. I think the Lord is more accepting of us than many of us believe possible. I may be wrong, but I realize I must be true to things I have come to know and feel bound by. I cannot prove the existence of God and so must go on personal faith. Therefore who am I to say someone else’s personal faith is wrong.

 

I may be a heathen and condemned to Hell, but I have been bullied and an outcast before. It would not be the first time I was persecuted for who I was. If that is the truth of the universe, I will deal with it. I think God knows me and understands me, but I have no definite proof. God’s ways are higher than mine are, and somewhat beyond my understanding, so I leave the judgment in the Creator’s hands.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Hope and I went for a two-mile walk today. It is threatening rain so I am glad that we did walk before it starts.

 

Yesterday afternoon and evening was taken up with talking to technical support at MSN and Microsoft. I was having terrible email issues and could not resolve them after working on them for several hours myself. MSN said the problem was with Outlook after having me on the phone two and a half hours. I called Microsoft and worked with them another three hours. They finally concluded that the email problem was coming from MSN. I went back and worked through the issue myself for several more hours myself. This morning I spent about an hour on it and finally have it resolved. I hate to get technical support people that are out of country. I have difficulty understanding them and apparently they do not much understand me. I really think the whole issue was with MSN because that is where the problems were. They have been doing upgrades to email for a while now and a bunch of them must have been done over the last few days and had some disastrous effects. Almost all the email were moved into my junk mail folder on MSN and I was afraid the automatic delete would do away with all these messages that were already sorted in Outlook. MSN would not allow me to move the messages out of the junk mail folder. After the MSN guy worked on the issue, later last night I was able to move the messages around. It was horrible. Sometimes I think like Alex, "MSN is the devil."

 

The time change really got me last night. I was up to almost 3:00am with the new time. I woke at 8:30am this morning so that was decent. Not a lot of sleep, but I feel okay.

 

One of my friends, from my time on MSN Spaces where I have my blog, instant messaged me last night and we then got on the phone and talked a while. It was great hearing from her. I am so glad we linked up.

 

This upcoming week is scheduled to be a busy one. I have many appointments; I am not looking forward to all of them.

 

I hope things go smoothly and hope each of you has a good week.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

I seem not to be keeping up with email or journaling much lately. I am not sure what is wrong with me, but I seem occupied with other things. Maybe since I brought everything up to date today I will begin to do better.

 

I have been reading a lot. Invisible by Paul Auster is very good. The sexual content in this novel is high and it is out of the ordinary. Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill is an excellent novel. It is a different sort of ghost story and I highly recommend it. Treasure Hunt by John Lescroart is an interesting detective story with lots of twists. Hope in the Age of Anxiety by Anthony Scioli and Henry B. Biller is a good book, but I was a little disappointed that it did not have more concrete ideas on how to bring hope into one’s life. Hidden Empire by Orson Scott Card is the sequel to Empire, which I read long enough ago that I only have vague memories of it. The sequel stands alone and is very good. It is set in the not too distant future and has some very interesting thoughts in it. After the Prophet by Lesley Hazleton is an excellent book on Islam. It gives some ideas on why the Shia and Sunni sects are always at war. I found it very enlightening. The Faith Instinct by Nicholas Wade is a very good book. It gives reasons why religion developed and how faith impacts our lives. The End of Faith by Sam Harris is an excellent book. It has me really questioning some of my beliefs. The book is challenging and has some great points on why faith in God might be questionable. I do not agree with all of it, but the points are well written.

 

We have been staying relatively busy. I have gone to physical therapy several times and we have had other appointments. One thing that I did that was very enjoyable was that last Sunday I went to the mall by myself. I spent a lot of time looking at clearance merchandise in Belks and bought some awesome bargains. I also went to Borders and picked up a couple of writing books. I really did not need them, but I had a coupon, and I could not resist.

 

I have talked to Alex several times and he seems set on getting married and moving to California. I am not exactly thrilled about either one, but there is not a lot I can do to influence him. I just hope whatever he decides works out well.

 

The weather has been warmer, but we have been having a lot of rain. I have not gotten out walking with Hope much. The last time we walked my nostrils started burning and when I came inside, I noticed I was wheezing. That kept me from walking anymore that day.

 

My mood has been good. Mom and I are getting along quite well. She is a little miffed at times that I go to my room to read when she is running the television, but we do not have significant problems over it.

 

Well that gets me to today and I really have nothing else to say. I hope everyone’s weekend goes well.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

I have read a few books since my last check in. The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, MD was a very good book. It gave some suggestions on how to make our world a better place. The Time Traveler’s Guide To Medieval England By Ian Mortimer was an interesting look at fourteenth century England. I thought it well written and captivating. Shadow Tag by Louise Erdrich was a very good novel detailing the lives of a family and how they dealt with one another. It was written in the form of diary entries with some narration mixed in. The Lady in the Tower by Alison Weir was a very good book about the last weeks of Anne Boleyn’s life. The whole of it was fascinating.

 

On Monday, I went to the chiropractor, took Mom to Fantastic Sam’s for a haircut, and went by Sam’s to pick up a few things. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Tuesday, we took Penny to the vet and Mom spent $265.00 on her. The tests and x-rays gave us a better idea of why she has been having problems. Penny also got her rabies shot. Frances and Wendell, Mom’s Homebound Buddies from church came by to visit her. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Wednesday, I went to the chiropractor, the library, and the vet to get Ko-Ko’s heartworm medicine and Penny’s prescription for Interceptor. Hope and I walked two miles.

 

Thursday, Mom’s sister Betty and her husband Bud visited and took us out to lunch at Hudson’s BBQ. We had some time to kill so we went to Sam’s and browsed. After Betty and Bud left us, Mom panicked because she thought she had lost her billfold. I found it for her in the seat of the truck. We went to Target and did some shopping. At my orthopedist’s office, we had to wait a while because he was running thirty minutes behind. He checked me and again said that my problem was my sciatic nerve not my legs, which hurt so bad. He gave me a prescription for Prednisone, an order for physical therapy, and was setting up an appointment for a MRI. We went back to Sam’s to fill my prescription.

 

Friday, Mom and I were adjusted at the chiropractor and I gave them the order for physical therapy. Laura came by the house and picked up some of Alex’s stuff to take to him in Cherry Point, North Carolina. She took the Glock pistol that he had left here and that was somewhat a relief to me. I washed four loads of clothes.

 

Saturday, I read a lot and just hung out. Hope and I walked two miles. I caught up on the email that had built up over the last few days.

 

Today, Mom went to Sunday school with Betty and then to Lil’s memorial with June. I read a lot and Hope and I walked two miles. I saw my nephew Jeremy riding the four-wheeler while we were outside.

 

Well, that catches things up. It was a busy week but overall went well.

 

Always,

Jo Ann