Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-eight – Money
Sunday, November 08, 2009

Money is something of which I wish I had more. There are so many good things that money can afford. I am fortunate to have the money I do, and I count that a blessing daily. However, more money would allow me to do things I cannot at present do. Most importantly, if I had more money I would pay off the debt I owe my mother. It would be so good not to have that hanging over my head. I am paying on the debt steadily, but with the little I can do, it is not disappearing very quickly. I should never have borrowed so much from my Mom, but without her help, I would not have many things I enjoy.

Even though my money is very limited, I have what I need, and some of what I want. I cannot do all the things I would like, but even so, I do not suffer. If I had more money I would be tempted to move into my own place and that would not be good for my Mom. She needs me with her 24/7. At least, I would be able to take a vacation if I had more money. That would be a wonderful thing, just to get away and see somewhere different for a few days. If I had more money, I would not worry so much over every cent I spend. I could relax a little when I go out to shop. Maybe not everything I bought would have to be on sale. Although, even had I lots of money I think I would be a bargain shopper. I like the thrill of saving money and getting things for a fraction of what they were supposed to cost.

Since I went through Financial Peace University last year, I have been able to use my money more wisely. I earn $790.00 a month. I give $300.00 to my Mom to help pay expenses and pay down my debt. I am trying to save $50.00 to $100.00 a month. My bill for internet and phone is around $75.00 and my MSN service is $9.95. My prescriptions are $35.00 to $40.00 a month. That leaves only a small amount of money to spend on groceries, necessities, and things I want. This month I had to pay $111.00 in insurance for my Buick. Therefore, I must be very careful of what I spend this month. Last month I finished with $4.00 in my wallet and $0.29 in my checking account. That was a good month because I saved $100.00. I am hoping to get my teeth cleaned at the clinic this month and that will be $50.00. When it is all written out like that, it is amazing I am able to make do with the amount of money my Social Security Disability provides. The money I save is my emergency fund and I periodically have to use it for things that are beyond the normal expenses I incur. Before Financial Peace University, I did not save any money and I did not give Mom as much toward my debt. I am trying to be more responsible now. It is an extreme balancing act to live within my means. I hope one day I have more money, but because of this time in my life, I will be better able to use extra money wisely.

I am happy that I have any money of my own. Since 1997, my Social Security Disability has provided for me and for Alex until he entered the Marine Corps. I do not know what we would have done without the money. I still rely on it. I know it is a wonderful blessing.

Money is an extremely good thing as long as it is used with care.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-seven – Words

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Words are an endless treasure. I am entranced by the ideas that words communicate. From face to face communication to the knowledge I gain from books, I am fascinated by words. There are simple words that describe things then there are complex words that add meaning to concepts. I write, and my words become real on the page. I can go back and learn exactly what I was thinking in the past. My words are a snapshot of who I am at a certain moment in time. Words can describe things in detail and transmit an image from one person to another. Words are magical, bringing the imagination of the past and future into the present. I read and I am carried away on a stream of words.

Words describe and make things clear. Those who are blessed with a way with words can move people to think and act in ways that would not have occurred to them without the communication. Human beings are blessed with the gift of language, which is ours alone. Our use of words sets us apart from the animals. Our highest ideals are transmitted through our words. We gain understanding of one another through our use of words. Much can be learned about a person simply through his/her words.

We can learn from the great minds of the past through the words they left behind. Poets and prophets have left their words for us to ponder. The world that existed long before our times is described by the authors of the past. Words are a legacy reaching out to influence the present. Words can help us learn about ourselves and grow into better people.

To watch a baby acquire words and begin to communicate is amazing. Words make a creature only centered in itself move beyond itself and become a person. The acquisition of words makes the young mind grow and develop. Thought is connected to word and word allows communication. Thus, whole worlds open to a child… words are the key.

Words are a way of living for me. So much of what I have learned has been transmitted to me via the words in books. I communicate with the wider world through the words I set down. I do not even know the extent of the good my words may do, for I set them free to roam the world. Words are strong and have power to effect change. I hope that my words may influence people for good. I try to use words in a positive way to build up others. Words are wonderful and I am so glad I am able to use them.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-six – Power

Friday, November 06, 2009

My power is very limited. I am responsible for myself and for helping my Mom. I have some power over Hope, but I do not think she actually thinks of me as the pack leader. She believes she can do as she desires. I no longer have any power over Alex. He still asks me to do things for him on occasion, but he does not always heed my advice. He has power over his own life within the confines of the Marine Corps. He cannot do everything as he pleases.

I do have power over my finances, but there is not much money to manage. I have to be very careful to avoid running out of money every month. I really do not mind being constrained financially, it has taught me to appreciate what I have more than I did in the past. Gratitude gives me power to be satisfied with my life. I have the power to choose my attitude every day, and most often, I choose to be happy. There are things that disturb my sense of peace, but I have the power to change my feelings. I have power over my own mind. No one else can dictate my thoughts. I have the power to write creatively and do artistic things. No one else has my ideas and that gives me some power.

I have power over what goes on here when my Mom is away. I am left in charge of everything here including all three of our dogs. Because I do most of the chores here, I have some power over what goes on here.

Power is not something that interests me much. I do not desire power over others. I am only concerned about having power over myself. As long as I am able to take care of myself, I will feel empowered.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-five – Late

Thursday, November 05, 2009

I am late getting this entry done, because I have been procrastinating about it all day. I have not felt my best today, but really, that is no excuse for putting this off. I was up at 7:00 this morning because we had to take Ko-Ko to the vet to be spayed. She had to be dropped off between 8:00am and 9:00am. She became six months old on the first and the vet recommended the procedure be done near that time. Once we had her settled at the vet, we went to IHOP for breakfast. Mom bought mine and it was very good. I had chocolate chip pancakes with my breakfast combo. We went to Sam’s Club to pick up our medication. Mom bought some pizzas, apples, and sock animals as well as her prescription. I paid for my four prescriptions. I had not expected all of them to be filled, but was thankful that they were. We went to Wal-Mart and got the money they overcharged us for Diet Cokes on Tuesday. They did not want to do the refund, but I was not leaving without our money. Then I picked up two packages of Northern. We came back home and I finished reading Angel Time by Anne Rice. This is an excellent book. The storytelling is fantastic. Anne Rice is one of my favorite authors and she did an outstanding job with this book. It is about a killer who becomes involved with angels. It is set in both the present and the thirteenth century. I highly recommend it. Jeremy called and we told him about the storage building we had found yesterday. He says he will go look at it Saturday and perhaps Mom will be able to buy it. We picked Ko-Ko up from the vet at about 4:30. She was very subdued. She grunted and lay still as we drove home. She spent the evening curled up in Mom’s lap mostly. She had not eaten today so I fixed some Moist & Meaty for her. This was a special treat. She ate it even though her mouth was tender because the vet removed two baby teeth that had not come out yet. I started a new book.

I thought I might skip writing an entry today because it was growing late, but I realized it would not be good to break my pattern of journaling every day. I want to stay up late anyway, even though I am a little tired. I probably would have slept late this morning had I not had to get up. Tomorrow I can sleep in because we have no plans for the day. I will try to write some more entries for the PAD Chapbook Challenge tomorrow. It is too late to do it today. I read the prompts and could think of nothing to write so I decided I could do it later. Later has turned into too late tonight. Procrastination and perfectionism will do that to a person. It makes one wait until it is too late to act.

I am rarely late for appointments, meetings, or things I must do, but if there is an option to leave something until later, I often take advantage of it. I meet deadlines, but often wait until the last available moment. Even so, being late is not my choice. My Mom instilled in me that being late is never right and I like to be right so I do things early or on time. Mom’s best friend, June, is always late and it is a major irritation to Mom. June is a wonderful person with many great qualities, but being late is a habit with her. I do not understand it, because I always endeavor to be on time or early. Mom has little patience for June being late, she complains of it to me almost every time it happens, but she will not say anything to June no matter how long she has to wait on her. Mom will not complain to her because she places such a high value on their friendship.

I see how much lateness bothers Mom and it makes me try even harder to be on time or early. It is of high value to Mom and I want to please her. It is almost a matter of honor with me never to be late. I hate it when we are at appointments early and then have to wait hours for the doctors who run late to show up. It seems that professionals would make a concerted effort to be on time. They charge if patients are late or do not show for appointments, but they can be late anytime and we can do nothing about it.

It is getting late and I must get this posted for today so I will leave my treatise at this.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-four – Early

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I do not like waking up early. I like to sleep late in the morning because that seems to be when I have the most vivid dreams. I often wake early anyway. It makes the days very long when I wake early because I usually stay up late. I do not like to go to bed early. Usually if I do try to go to sleep early, I just lie in bed awake, toss, and turn.

Mom likes to be early whenever she goes to an appointment, so I often sit and wait for periods of time. I always carry a book to read so I am not bored in the waiting room. Sometimes I carry my iPod too. I have always felt it was fine to be right on time for appointments. I am not enamored of being early. However, as usual I do what makes my Mom happy.

Being early is always better than being late. Unless something unexpected happens, I am not ever late. I do tend to procrastinate so I usually do not finish things early. I usually meet deadlines, but just barely.

Always,

Jo Ann

Monday afternoon, Mom’s Homebound Buddies from the church came to visit her. Frances and Wendell visit once a month. They bring a bag of literature, tapes, bulletins, and various notices. They check to see if there is anything Mom needs desperately which there never is. I finished reading Day After Night by Anita Diamant. This was an excellent novel about Jewish concentration camp survivors confined in Israel when they tried to immigrate there. Their experiences were very realistic and the story was told well.

Tuesday was the third so my Social Security was deposited in the bank. Mom and I went to Wachovia and I drew out some money. I paid Mom for the month and paid on my debt. We went to State Farm and I paid the insurance on my Buick. We went to Cartridge World and traded my magenta cartridge that was malfunctioning for a new one. We went by the library, I returned books, and checked out some new ones. We went to Sam’s Club and I bought It’s Your Time by Joel Osteen. I have read all his books and find his writing very inspirational. We went to Wal-Mart where I bought Diet Cokes, Halloween dog toys that were half-price, Venus razors, and microwavable meals. We picked up a mouse for Mom’s computer because Ko-Ko had gnawed the wires on her old mouse and it would not work. When we got home, I unloaded the truck while Hope ran around me. I walked Hope a mile because it became dark so early. I read and wrote a journal entry.

This morning I computed some and wrote three poems for the Poem a Day Chapbook Challenge. I am not content with the poems, but they are better than not trying at all. Mom and I went to a site that sells storage buildings. We found one she likes. I walked Hope two miles after we returned home.

That is all I have to report right now. I hope all of you are doing well.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-two – Loss

Monday, November 02, 2009

I am well acquainted with loss. I lost my dog, Peppy, because she was run over when I was a child. This was the first death that really affected me. I did not deal with it well. I loved my Miniature Doberman Pinscher very much. She was my first dog and she meant so much to me. I lost various Aunts, but their deaths meant little because I did not know them well.

My best friend, Reba, moved away while we were children. Although she did not move far it was long distance and we could not stay in contact very often. This was a great loss. She was so close to me that we called each other sister and we were practically inseparable before she moved. I missed her terribly. No one could replace her. I lost my dog, Schatzi, a Dachshund who died of old age. He was given to me by my Aunt Essie, and was a special dog.

I married when I was sixteen and divorced by eighteen. My husband was abusive, but even so, I felt the marriage was a great loss. Marriage was supposed to be forever and I felt awful when we divorced. That was in 1981, the same year I graduated high school. I lost more that year because I had the first of my mental breakdowns. I was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. My life was never to be the same. I could not simply bounce back. I was on horrible medicines that caused me terrible side effects, like weight gain. I tried to get SSDI, but could not.

When I was off the meds and doing well I tried to enlist in the Army. I passed the tests and was near being accepted. One day as I exercised one of my knees made a sound like a gun going off. I balled up on the floor and cried because I was in so much pain. The injury kept me from going in the Army, which was the loss of a dream. I had another breakdown.

I held several jobs. I never liked any of them much, but was happy to be making money. I had many boyfriends, but none of them wanted to move to a committed relationship. Then I met Richard and he asked me to move to Chattanooga to live with him. I moved and we lived together for some time. Our relationship had trouble when I became pregnant and he did not want a baby. He pushed me to have an abortion, but I would not, and finally we got married. Alex was born in May of 1988 and Richard became increasingly unhappy. Before the two years of our trial marriage were up we got a divorce and I felt adrift in time. It was a terrible loss.

I moved home with my parents. I had another breakdown. I was on medication a while, then I went off it and went to work. I became the manager of a convenience store. I met Jeff there. He and I got married in 1992 and had a wonderful time. I had a breakdown in 1993 because I was working ninety hours a week. I lost my job, which was an awful loss for me. I loved that job.

My nephew, Jim, was killed in an auto accident in 1996. He and I were very close and it was devastating to lose him. Ten days later, my father died of a ruptured aneurysm in his aorta. I was sad that my Dad had died, even though it freed me of his attentions. Jeff and I began having some problems. Our finances were a mess and we could not straighten them out. We separated and then divorced in early 1997. This loss nearly killed me. By the time we divorced, I had another crisis mentally. Jeff took my Alaskan Malamute, Keiko, and gave her away. This loss hurt me because I was very attached to the dog.

I applied for SSDI and was approved after months of begging for my benefits. This meant I could somewhat take care of Alex and myself. We moved in with my mother. Alex and I were comfortable there. I stayed in touch with Jeff and in 1999, Alex and I moved back in with him. I became pregnant with twins, but lost them in 2000 because of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. This was a devastating loss. A month later, I did something I was forbidden to do and Jeff kicked me out of the house. I tried to kill myself and was hospitalized. When I was released Alex and I moved back in with my Mom. Because Jeff put all our stuff out on his carport and I did not get to pick it up we lost almost everything we owned.

My brother, James, became sick with lung cancer in 2003. My other brother, Melvin, found out about the abuse my father had done and stopped being family because he blamed my mother for my father’s transgressions. In 2005, I became manic, made some serious mistakes and had to file bankruptcy. I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and then participated in an outpatient psych program.

Alex went into the Marine Corps in June of 2006. It was a loss having him leave. In September, I bought Hope. She helped fill the void Alex left.

My brother became increasingly ill. In March of 2009, James died of cancer. I hope his death is my last loss for some time. I could use a break.

Always,

Jo Ann