A Wish For All…

 

I have been physically sick for the past week and a half and have been out of work due to it. I had a stomach virus and just cannot seem to shake the weakness it brought on. I am to go to a stomach specialist tomorrow to see what he thinks might be causing this sense of malaise.

 

The up side has been that I am home for the Christmas holiday and getting to spend some time with Alex and Mom. I really am not looking forward to returning to work. I have been considering turning in my resignation.

 

Since I last wrote I returned the Jeep so that I do not have that huge expense hanging over me anymore. I am driving and buying my Mom’s 1988 Buick Regal.

 

The bankruptcy should be finalized any time now and I will be out from under all the debt I had against me. It amazes me that credit card companies are calling offering me lines of credit. I am belligerently against getting any credit cards ever again. I just wish they would stop calling and harassing me about taking new ones.

 

Alex is excited about going in the Marines and we think he passed all his classes this semester. I have not gotten him much for Christmas. Just do not know what to get because he has so much and too he will be leaving in the not too distant future so things like new computers and such seem overkill. He did finally take delivery on the car his father had promised him for years. Actually it is a different vehicle but it runs.

 

I hope all my friends in Spaces have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year full of prosperity and the blessings each of you so richly deserve. May many of your dreams come true in the coming days.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

New Entry with News…

 

Well, I am still living. Things have been quite busy around here. I am sure even though work has been kind of lax the last couple of weeks that it will pick up with the holidays coming soon. Seems like if I have a day off there are many things calling on my time.

 

I managed to read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey… I recommend you read it if you get a chance. Having been in treatment facilities with patients with addictions I found it seemed very truthful.

 

I took Alex to the recruiter week before last and he signed up for the delayed entry program. He took the ASVAB and his Marine physical last week. He scored 93 out of a possible 99 on the ASVAB, so he can have any military occupational specialty the Marine Corps offers. He will enter the Marines just after he graduates high school this year.

 

I am feeling very depressed at times because it seems I have achieved nothing in my life. I want opportunity and there just does not seem any for me. I am in a job that is dead end and my financial situation is a shambles.

 

I think seeing Alex take off with such great hope and fine expectation makes me realize more how pointless my existence has been. I have many regrets.

 

I learned last week that my best friend may have lung cancer. She is only 41 and I am very concerned about her. I am praying that she will be okay.

 

Next week Alex gets his driver’s license, if he passes the exam, which he should.

 

I hope all my friends in Spaces are doing well. I am sorry I have not been on here more. I miss having time with the computer every day. It was wonderful back then, but there is no going back to the ease of those times. I have obligations that keep me away nowadays.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Monday, Monday…

 

I am doing fine, just staying busy. Last week I had three days off but those were frantic with errands and appointments. I guess I should try to write more, but somehow rest seems more important.

 

I had a fast change artist try to take me for twenty dollars at work, but I knew I gave him correct change so he did not get by with his act.

 

I ordered Alex’s cap and gown and a few invitations to his graduation. The cost of that amazed me. It is a good thing I am working.

 

I find myself wishing I had never purchased the Jeep. It does not get as good gas mileage as the Eclipse did and the payments are very high. If I did not have the Jeep I would not have to work at K-Mart. I am worried that I may not be able to afford the Jeep after Alex leaves next May.

 

I met with the supportive employment person Friday and filled out paperwork for that program. I really do not know what they can do for me, but hopefully with their help I will find a better job. One with hours that are more regular and accommodate my being home in the evening and that also pays better than part-time at K-Mart.

 

I have not been feeling very creative. Seems like there is not enough time for such luxury in my days right now. I am a person who has to have time to create, it is not fast work for me. I miss the times when I could sit here at the computer for hours without worrying about everything else I should be doing at the time. Now computer time is a rare thing. Some days I don’t even turn the machine on at all.

 

I’m Dreaming

 

I’m dreaming of unfettered days

When you are the only person

On my schedule and my only task

Is to give you unending pleasure.

 

I’m dreaming of moments when

Kisses are the most important thing

That I have on my to do list

And you are my only customer.

 

I’m dreaming of a time that

We can spend more than a few hours

In one another’s company

Without worry of repercussions.

 

I’m dreaming of truly being yours

Basking in the pleasure of our love

With no need of secrecy or deception

Because we can live our truth.

 

I’m dreaming of you and I

Joined in a love that has stood

The test of time and adversity

And still leaves us breathless with longing.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Monday, September 26, 2005

 

Well that is all I have to say right now. I have to go to work in a little while and should probably get something to eat before I go. Hope all is well where you are and that you have wonderful days.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Staying Busy…

 

I am working over thirty hours a week and staying busy on my off time with chores or trying to rest. I did not expect a job to take up so much of my time. I guess I had forgotten what it is like to be in the workaday world. I am not sure I like the change. My hours are eliminating my time with Alex and I do not like that at all.

 

The only upside to working is the money, but now that gas prices have skyrocketed there is not so much money being made. Part-time work at an entry level wage just covers transportation costs with a little left over.

 

I signed my petition for bankruptcy yesterday afternoon and it was filed electronically. I am not happy that I had to do this, but it was the only way I could see out of a truly terrible situation. I hope to reaffirm the debt on the Jeep so that I get to keep it.

 

Today I received a call from the company I was seeking supportive employment through. I am to meet with one of their representatives Tuesday just to get acquainted. Hopefully they will be able to help me find a job that has a better schedule and possibly better pay.

 

Alex has all next week off from school, but my schedule is such that I will have very little time with him. I wish I had known in advance that he was to have the week off. I would have asked for some off days to spend with him.

 

We got a new dog, but the people who gave her to us decided after a week that they wanted her back so we do not have her anymore. Maybe it is for the best because I did not have much time to spend with her anyway.

 

Life Intervenes

 

There are so many moments

I wish to spend with you

But life intervenes

Leaving only very little time

For stolen minutes alone.

 

You are my guilty pleasure

The one I hide

Just to keep the peace…

I wish I could revel in our love

But am disallowed by others dear.

 

Maybe I will grow brave

Enough to stand the censure

Of disapproving relatives,

Until then you are my secret

The one that makes me smile.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Friday, September 2, 2005

 

I hope my blog gets no more attention than usual from Alex. He is my main critic in relationship issues these days.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

A New Poem…

 

The Very Heart Of Me

 

They tell me you are bad

That you are a thief;

You admit you don’t play fair,

And I know you have stolen

The very heart of me.

 

I hang on your every word,

Hungering for a moment

Which we can spend together;

All I have are memories

And electronic text to sustain me.

 

They urge me to forget you,

But I am always remembering.

You are a part of me

I can not let go, you belong

At the very heart of me.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Life Today…

 

I am staying quite busy. My part-time job is nerve-wracking, but going okay. Being in public after so many years of staying home makes me nervous. The scanning devices and computerized registers are so different from when I ran a register before. I am getting used to it as time goes by.

 

Alex is taking ROTC this year. It was not offered in his school until this semester. It is one more step toward the military career he wants. He is really enthused with the course.

 

Today I had to take Alex to the doctor because he has a sore throat, cough, runny nose, and generally just feels cruddy. The doctor wrote some prescriptions and sent us on our way. He did not even give me a diagnosis, so I guess it was not that serious.

 

Gas prices keep going up here and I wonder if having a job is really going to net me any money. I finally talked to a lawyer yesterday about starting bankruptcy proceedings. He no longer does bankruptcy so he is going to talk to another lawyer about taking my case. I don’t have the money to pay for all the fees initially so he was going to see if this lawyer would take installments. I hope that works out because I would like my lawyer’s referral better than a complete stranger.

 

I read Lord Bryon’s Novel The Evening Land by John Crowley. This was a very good book, but I did not like it quite as much as his previous novel Little, Big. The idea that Byron might have written something like this is appealing though.

 

I am having some problems with crying and depression. Crying mostly whenever I consider Alex going in the Marines or when I hear of something sad. Depression just seems the cycle I am in now. My hope for the future is at low ebb. I am considering discussing it with my doctor because I was taking an anti-depressant before and it kept me from reacting so strongly to random events. Maybe he would put me back on my Zoloft or something similar.

 

My writing is non-existent right now. I do not seem to have the inspiration to write anything. Even writing this is taking a long time because I have no idea what to say. I wish I could revert to the days when making these entries was effortless, but I even seem to have lost touch with those.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Saturday, July 30, 2005

 

I have been out of the partial hospitalization program over a week now and I am doing well. I do miss going to the program, but it was getting less efficient for me as time wore on.

 

Alex goes back to school Monday, August 1… too early for a return to school in my opinion, but the powers that be have chosen. I believe that Georgia will soon go to year round organized daycare (school) because that seems to be what some people believe is best for youngsters. I disagree with the premise and am glad my one offspring will not be subject to such torment.

 

The start Alex’s senior year has me thinking how little time is left before he will be joining the Marines. I cannot seem to convince him that this is not a good time to consider military service and I am very afraid of what may happen when he joins up. I know this is still months away from that time, but I very much fear for the life of my only child.

 

I feel I am such a failure as a mother because I cannot financially provide opportunities for Alex so that the military does not seem the best option open to him. God knows I would give everything to keep him safe.

 

I read an excellent collection of novellas entitled Transgressions edited by Ed McBain. Ten outstanding writers contributed stories of crime, mystery, and suspense. I enjoyed reading this form from familiar names. Check it out if you have some time for a good read.

 

I applied for a part time cashier position at K-Mart and evidently will be starting work this week. I hope to find a better opportunity, but with my not working since 1993 I figure I have to start somewhere and I definitely need the money. My financial situation continues to deteriorate. I wish I had never made the decisions I did while I was so ill. I feel a total idiot for getting myself into such a mess.

 

Hopefully things will improve. I must believe so or be overwhelmed by sorrow. I choose not to be overcome and believe that somehow my problems can be turned to good.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Update – Long Overdue

 

I have not that much to say, but I wanted you all to know that I am still at home. I should finish up my partial hospitalization program this coming Thursday. I am not sure that I have progressed as much as I would have liked, but I cannot stay in the program forever.

 

Alex finished up his summer job on Thursday. That was also my birthday. I had a good day. We went to Olive Garden for dinner. I would rather have gone to Outback, but could not afford the expense. I hope my forty-second year is more fortunate than the forty-first. I do not think that I can survive another year that brings so much disaster. Two breakdowns in one year is a record for me. Usually one suffices to mess up everything.

 

I am still trying to figure out how I am going to rectify the financial mess I made while I was manic. So far I have come up with no solution. Any suggestions would be appreciated…

 

Bubbles

 

Whatever I do seems

To go drifting up

Toward heaven

Like bubbles on

A gentle wind,

Only I wish that

Those bubbles

Would stay aloft

Instead of bursting

And leaving me

To start all over again.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Saturday, July 16, 2005

 

Just a little musing that came to me now. Actually I think things are going to get better, I just don’t know when.

 

 I have been reading quite a lot lately. I highly recommend both Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen and The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova.

 

I guess the reason I have not been on here lately is that I just cannot come up with much to say. I do not know how I managed to write here everyday before, but now I just come up blank. Being in therapy I stay pretty busy too and have not so much time to write.

 

Today is the first day I have even turned the computer on in weeks. I do not know if this is a good thing or a bad one. I guess since I was spending most of my time in front of the computer before that it is good, but I miss the time I spent blogging. I most miss my friends here. I wish I could think of more to say.

 

I hope all of you are well and that you prosper as time goes by.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Marvelous…

Today was an amazing day. Sometimes I forget that God is so good to me because other things seem so out of control. I finally learned how to set my not so new now alarm clock and it woke me this morning. This was a good thing because all this time I have had this wonderfully annoying alarm and could not figure out how to set it. Now for at least awhile I have an alarm that will wake me, this will end my dependence on Mom to wake us up in the mornings.

 

I ate cereal, dressed and carried Alex to his job. He is working at a lawnmower repair shop. It is a good first job. Yesterday he touched a hot muffler and blistered his hand and I got upset that he was hurt, but he has to learn to take care of himself somewhere. I cannot always be there to protect him.

 

I went to the partial hospitalization program. I really missed this program while I was hospitalized because I had made some friends and the structure of the program is very good for me. Today I talked about my irrational thoughts and delusions. The counselors helped me come up with ways to reframe the thoughts so that they were not negative and now for the first time in years I feel like I have a way to deal with what has led to my hospitalization so many times. They said I should use affirmations like: I am a likeable person and have friends who care about me, I am a modern woman and a good person, and God loves me and I am saved by his grace. That last one is just a furtherance for the one before that I came up with on the spur of the moment here, but it relates to those delusions about being a terrible character out of the Bible. They also suggested that I use first, second, and third person saying the affirmations to help make them real for me. Also they suggested that I write them, say them, post them in prominent places, and record them to play back to myself. I am hoping that this will be effective.

 

Mom cooked hamburgers for supper and those were very good. I was glad she cooked so I did not have to do so. I am cooking again, not liking it, but I need to do it. Alex needs good food after working all day.

 

I played Bejeweled 2 a bit tonight. I did not do very well but it was relaxing. I had not done that in months. I also used Photoshop a little and did a small drawing I did not save. That program is wonderful. I cannot wait until I have some time to actually learn to use it. I have a feeling I can do miracles with that software.

 

Just wanted you all to know things are going better than yesterday. I did not write because I was in a mess last night. Every time I start into the negative thought patterns now I become afraid of going back in the hospital. It is very scary for me.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Hello…

Sorry I left without saying anything. I had to go in hospital again from June 5 to June 14. I went way off the deep end and no one here could get me to cooperate. I am not sure I am much better but I am not acting so weird that I scare my family so that is one thing. I will be attending the partial hospitalization program during the week. I think that will be helpful for a while.

 

I hated the hospital stay. It was not fun. I did not learn much while I was there because I did not participate in what was offered. My memory of the time I spent there is sketchy. I think I was really in a fog due to my psychosis and medication changes. I am much clearer now. I know what I am doing and what is going on around me.

 

Unfortunately I lost some things. There were some poems on my desk that evidently fell in the garbage and got burned while I was gone and the ring Alex gave me that was like his graduation ring disappeared sometime during the first day I was hospitalized. I am so sad about this because that ring and the poetry meant a great deal to me and are irreplaceable.

 

This disease sucks. It not only disturbs my life and relationships, it robs me of things I value. How does one fight an enemy that is part of oneself without destroying the self in the process? I know so little how to minimize the damage when all the world around me fades away. The danger not only encompasses myself and others around me, it extends into the world and my environment. I am not safe to be, much less to act when I am out of control. The delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations take me away from what little reality I grasp and drop me in a terrifying country where there is no one else. The isolation and loneliness are hell for me, and I cannot clearly express what I experience there to anyone. No wonder my greatest fear is going to hell, I visit its territory every time I become unbalanced. Not even the love of God is evident to me when I go there. I am lost and so alone.

 

I am taking 4mg or Risperdal daily now. I am not sure that it is any better than what I was taking, but I know that I do not have patients assistance set up for it so I will not be able to continue it beyond the first month unless we can set it up soon. I cannot afford to pay for medication with all the other things for which I must pay. I have this feeling that I must soon learn to cope without the medication anyway, I know it will be hard but I have done it in the past. Those times when I was without medication were the ones when I achieved something with my life. I need to achieve again no matter what risk that entails. I must accomplish some things or give up living.

 

I am not a chicken shit, but a survivor, so I will go on. There is no way that I will allow my condition to win over me. I may have been overcome briefly in recent times, but I am not defeated. The life I live is to God not to be destroyed by some dementia. I know that I will have difficult days, but any life is subject to such. It is how we deal with the difficulty that sets us apart and shows our stamina. With the help of God I am not weak but strong and shall come into victory.

 

I did not write while I was away this time, my mind was fractured with paranoid Schizophrenic chaos and there was no putting down cognizant thought. In such a state I could not think reasonably. I am lucky to come back to some semblance of normalcy. I know right now that I am weaker than I would like. My mind has spaces that are obscured by fog, but this will improve with time I hope.

 

Hope is the thing. Without hope there is no reason to plunge forward into the next sentence. Without hope all the battles are lost, as is the war. Without hope we are all prisoners with no hope of redemption. Hope is the light that allows us to conclude there is something yet for us to say, to achieve, and to accomplish. Hope is the power that makes us continue the fight despite our losses. Hope reminds us that freedom is our legacy from generation to generation. God does not intend us to live in darkness, but loves us enough to inspire us with hope for a bright future where truth shines for our understanding.

 

I hope all of you are well and apologize for leaving so abruptly. I shall try to stay well enough to remain at home, but right now I can make no promises. I am not certain what moment to moment will hold for me. It is always that way for all of us, but just now it is less reasonable than usual for me to have any expectation of what life will be like in a second. I only hope for clarity, it is not something of which I can be certain.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann