I really do not feel much better than yesterday. There are so many problems that are besetting me right now. My financial situation is so dismal I do not think there is any way I can sort it out. I have so overextended myself that it would take major action beyond my limited means to sort it all out. I went so far as to ask Alex’s father to help me because he has done only minimal support for Alex for so many years and he so reacted that I felt like I must be an imbecile to even ask. I know I have put my ass on the line, but I really thought I could somehow provide a better life for us. Now I know my health will not support me at this time.

I really wish that someone hugely wealthy who helps out people who live with dire tragedy like my life has been since I can remember knew about my son and I. Sometimes I think the only reason no one helps us is because they really are not aware of us. I guess maybe there are stories that are lots worse, but I know being me and being my son is harder than most would ever dream.

Today, I just keep crying… I cried at the bank where I had to clear up all the overdrafts on my accounts that I made while I was manic… I cried at SAM’s club where I had to pay the huge sum of bounced checks that I would have never done had I been in control. I cried when I was in session with my counselor because I am so afraid she might not want to be my counselor anymore or that she might leave. She does not even get paid to see me and I know that is not fair to her because she is really good and I should not take up time for which she should be reimbursed. The nurse came in to see me and sat with me today and I cried again. We talked about how badly I feel because I do not contribute to society by having a job and doing what I should for my son. My doctor got a dose of tears too… seems he at least thought I was a little better anyway. He is going to see me next week for free because my Medicare will not pay for more than one session a month.

I come here and all I can do is cry. I just hurt so bad. There is so much I want to do and be, but I just am so weak. The tears are not really a pity party, they are more about grief and hurt. I do try in the ways I know how so hard to achieve something and it seems so little when measured out against what I actually accomplish.

I tried to accept responsibility for my life today. That was not easy after such total disregard for all I hold dear, but I managed to come out feeling a little better.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day… I hope so… Thanks for reading. Your comments, prayers and encouragement help me every time I read.

Smiles,

Jo Ann

I am so angry and disappointed that all I feel is rage and I really do not even want to continue with life if it must be so unfair to me all the time. I know I can not kill myself, because God himself will not allow it to happen for me, but that does not stop my wishing I could finally escape such an existence. I know this is not how I should nor am expected to feel, but I am so tired of always trying to be something so exhausting as my own trials with being positive as an individual is to my personality. Dying would be a release and hopefully then I could rest without being perpetually under fire for who, what, how, why I am and the choices I have made.

I am not suicidal, I just have not the energy for all the expenditure I must make to survive. I really feel like giving up all hope. I have been here before and really never depart very far. Life seems so hopeless. I never achieve anything. I probably should wait until I can write something better, but this will go away no time soon.

I hate feeling this way, but that only makes it feel more concrete. It is not something I expect to fade, in fact, I expect it to become more solid and stronger. My experience reinforces it daily. All I know to do to spare everyone hearing about this dismal dungeon I visit is stop writing. I think the blog was never meant to be somewhere I had to hide myself.

Sighs,

Jo Ann

Day 14: In the Dark

Journal Prompts and My Responses

Were you ever afraid of the dark? Were you ever afraid of the boogeyman or whatever lay under your bed or hid in your closet?

• Fear of the dark has been a recurring theme for me. I was scared of darkness as a child then at various times when I was insecure throughout my adulthood.
• I was never afraid of what stayed under my bed. Mother demanded that under there stay so clean there was no place for anything to hide.
• I have at times been afraid of what might be hiding in the closet. For many years, I hated closed closet doors because I could not readily see inside.

How have you come back from despair, trauma, heartache, or disappointment? What did you do to break out of the darkness?

• Each time I have been overcome by negative emotion I have made a conscious effort to lift myself out of the abyss.
• I have used writing to clarify my thoughts and give my reasoning ability to work.
• I have used art to lighten and correct my mood.
• I have been on medication to help me.
• I have been in counseling to aid me in dealing with my feelings.
• Often it seems that it is a matter of making up the mind that negative feelings are not to be part of my experience.

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

• Five things for which I am grateful today:
1. I managed to be positive despite feeling hopeless
2. I am proud to be a mother
3. Mom fixed some food for me
4. Someone I met in the hospital called me
5. I am beginning to see clearly about my life again
• An absolutely un-me thing I would love to do and what it might be like if I did it:
• I would like to do a showing of my art or send out some of my writing for submission.
• I would probably feel great about doing these things.
• I would smile a lot.
• Family beliefs that have held me back from living the life I have dreamed about:
• Reading is a waste of time
• Writing won’t pay the bills
• Writing is a waste of time
• Being told I could not write interesting stories because I have never lived
• Art is not a money making industry
• Art is a waste of time
• Investing in learning art is throwing good money after bad
• Investing in books on writing is stupid
• Investing in books of any kind is a waste
• Artist’s supplies are too expensive to invest in
• Using a computer is a waste of time
• Investing in technology is a waste of capital
• If it is fun it cannot be otherwise rewarding
• Nice cameras are a waste of money
• Taking photographs is not art
• Music is a waste of time
• Musicians do not make money
• The label of crazy person
• The label of lazy person
• Supports that have enabled me to explore my capabilities:
• My marriage to Jeff
• My raising of Alex
• Richard encouraged me to sing
• Being on disability and having time to explore my creativity
• Working with my counselors
• Buying my own tools
• Using the library extensively
• Credit cards
• I can instill positive ideas in others so they are encouraged to be the best selves they can be by:
• Allowing plenty of time for reading
• Explaining that a person who works hard can be a successful writer
• Encouraging writing
• Teaching that all values and all experience levels are worthy of respect
• Helping someone see that art can be a money making industry by teaching them about various forms and usages of art
• Encouraging everyone to creatively express themselves
• Sharing my knowledge with others
• Creating in my life as an example to others of what can be done by anyone
• Encouraging understanding rather than condemnation
• Remembering to judge no one, but live in love

Day 13: A E I O U

Journal Prompts and My Responses

List all of your positive character traits.

• Friendly
• Supportive
• Encouraging
• Helpful
• Honest
• Artistic
• Creative
• Humble
• Patient
• Trusting
• Good listener
• Stylish
• Erotic
• Fun-loving
• Easy-going
• Hopeful
• Happy
• Intense
• Cooperative
• Courageous
• Bold
• Fair
• Clean

How do you disappear? How do you check out?

• I get lost in stories
• I zone out in front of the computer
• I try to blend in with the scenery
• I think myself into a creative space
• I ignore outer stimulus when I am overloaded
• I listen to music
• I play computer games
• I close the door to my room (rarely)
• I go to sleep

Finish the following sentence: “If I ever let myself completely go…” What might happen?

• I might act confidently and accomplish things that I am usually afraid to try
• I might go see what kind of mischief I could find with life again
• I might find out that I have more self-esteem than I manifest daily
• I might create something new and exciting
• I might stop criticizing myself so much
• I might meet a new man for my life
• I might move out and never come back

Moodlings… on The Simple Abundance Companion

• Five things for which I am grateful today:
1. I slept in today
2. I figured out how to pay the DSL yesterday
3. I took action on a sale that was botched by the seller
4. I am going to try to figure out how to get a job
5. I can smile even though I feel like a loser

• List some courageous acts of other women:
1. Standing up for women’s rights
2. Helping slaves escape to the North
3. Talking publicly about sexual abuse
4. Helping ailing elderly
5. Campaigning for support for the disadvantaged
6. Flying airplanes
7. Becoming soldiers
8. Becoming police officers
9. Writing books to encourage community
10. Going out and facing the world of work daily

• List how you would have acted in these women’s shoes:
1. I would stand up for women’s right to vote or right to choose
2. I would have set slaves free and helped them to escape oppression
3. I would have been terribly afraid but I would have spoken out
4. I am doing what she did
5. I would try to get help for those who needed it
6. I don’t think that I could fly an airplane
7. I wanted to become a soldier
8. I doubt I have the courage to be a police officer
9. I would gladly write a book to encourage community
10. I would like to do this now and would were I able

Day 12: Eye to I

Journal Prompts and My Responses

Sign your name over and over again. Fill one entire page.

Record the words that define who you are and who you’ve been…

• Daughter
• Lover
• Mother
• Writer
• Artist
• Loving
• Caring
• Honest
• Sneaky
• Poet
• Photographer
• Collector
• Impatient
• Procrastinator
• Short
• Organized
• Debtor
• Manager
• Evolving
• Bold
• Shy
• Christian
• Democrat
• Patron
• Reader
• Intellectual
• Mentally Ill
• Depressed
• Happy
• Kind
• Funny
• Geek
• Nerd
• Gracious
• Generous
• Thoughtful
• Easy Going
• Self-educated
• Overweight
• Abused
• Survivor
• Competent
• Hard worker
• Singer
• Financially stressed
• Fiscally responsible
• Independent
• Dependent
• Rebel
• Tasteful
• Judicious
• Careful
• Spontaneous
• Clean
• Divorcee
• Patient
• Calm
• Overwhelmed
• Excitable
• Unique
• Dog person

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

• Something I have done that amazed me with its boldness, its rightness, its power:
• I published a magazine back in 1995
• I chose to have my baby despite others wanting me to abort
• I went back to Jeff after our divorce
• I bought a new computer to help me start writing more and have followed through
• An action I have been afraid to take, now or in the past, for fear of failing:
• Starting my magazine up again
• Sending out submissions of my work
• Going to college
• Getting a place of my own
• Steps I can take to give myself the courage it will take:
• I could try to work on some magazine layouts
• I could write something and have someone I trust read it
• I could call rehab
• I could get a job
• Five things for which I am grateful today:
1. Sleeping Thursday morning
2. Seeing Leigh
3. Calling Amazon and straightening out the mess I was in there
4. I got my driver’s license in my real name
5. My shower felt good

Today was mildly interesting even though I was hoping for a better day. I took Alex to school this morning so he could meet with his Algebra 2 teacher, who I found this afternoon stood him up. That irked me because in the process of taking him into the school this morning I nearly ran us off the road. I should not be driving that early in my present condition, this teacher would rank high on my list for getting a little piece of my oh so belligerent mind.

I came home and went back to bed. Mom woke me at 9:00AM because she was leaving the house and I was supposed to go out to run some of my errands with my niece Leigh. I called Leigh and she said she would be here around 11:00AM so I told her to call me as she came into our area so that I would be ready to go. I went back to bed. My medicine is still kicking my can well. I am so exhausted all the time.

I awoke at 11:00AM and called Leigh to find out if I had overslept. She told me, "Oh no, I just had the emissions inspection done on my van and I will be there in a while."

This did not sit well, but I stifled my comments and tried to remember when you ask for help you have to take what crumbs you are given.

Leigh had still not shown up by 2:00PM so I called her again. Now I was afraid we would not make it to the places I needed to go at all. She informed me she had been in downtown Atlanta picking up Jesse’s dry cleaning and she was on her way to me now. I was quite undone but managed to react civilly.

When she finally arrived here I told her I doubted we could do what I meant to accomplish at all. It took a great effort to be calm. As we left here, Mom was returning from her trip. When I realized Leigh had no idea where we were going I almost despaired of the whole thing.

This trip was important to me. For years, almost my whole life I have lived with a name that quite literally drives me nuts. I am Jo Ann and have been called such for every day of my life. My federal ID such as my Social Security Card is in that name and I may work under that name whenever and wherever I am employed. Because my birth certificate is in Joyce Anita the state of Georgia has stubbornly refused to issue my driver’s license in any other name. Even though I may here too pay my taxes as Jo Ann. This is a real issue for me because mother’s name is Joyce and I do not like to be called by that name. Even during this last hospitalization they would not put Jo Ann on my armband and staff called me Joyce repeatedly. It irks me and I hate the confusion it causes.

I do not mind being Jo Ann Joyce Anita Jordan… but that is my real name and not just whatever the state government decides is legitimate for them to tag me with, personally I use Jo Ann J. A. Jordan a lot. It is shorter and a bit less time consuming.

During my last divorce, from Jeff, back in 1997, I made it a condition of the decree that my name be fully instated as Jo Ann Joyce Anita Jordan. This was done with no hesitation because the man understood what hassles I have undergone due to such a misnomer on my documents. I found out when I bought the Jeep that they refused to title it to me in my real name. This aggravated me as this issue has never been a problem for me before.

Today Leigh and I went to the courthouse and got the certified divorce decree so that we could go to the DMVS and get my license changed into the name it should have been in from the very beginning. I now am who I say I am henceforth with no argument from anyone.

If you intend to be a parent do your child a favor and name it what you intend to call it. Do not pick some beautiful name and then use a nick-name that causes confusion for the remainder of his/her days. It was terrible for me, and I think my name is beautiful in its entirety, but being called Joyce never has been pleasant for me. My Mom and I just do not get along that well. I would never want my work as an artist or writer to appear without Jo Ann attached to it because that is who I am.

I am glad it is over, because frankly I have lived that nightmare long enough. I am now who I am and there will no longer be confusion about it. Thank God.

Smiles,

Jo Ann