Tag: Fear

Thankful Thursday and Thoughts–September 8, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   Mom and I had an enjoyable lunch at Hudson’s Barbecue while we were out to run errands yesterday.
2.   Penny is doing well on the medicine the veterinarian changed.
3.   I have read some excellent books recently.
4.   I archived some of the free eBooks on my Kindle, and with the memory freed the device is working much better.
5.   Alex and I chatted a few nights ago and he seemed to be doing well.
6.   The temperature was a bit cooler, so Hope and I walked a mile last evening.
7.   I have been cooking more, and Mom seems to really enjoy it. I still hate to cook, but it is nice to make her happy.
8.   The recent storms have passed us by without any damage.
9.   Jeremy fixed the air conditioner on my Buick.
10.  I cleaned out all the freezers, so there is only good food inside.

I have been trying to stay home as much as possible because going into town has been making me very nervous since my niece, Leigh, and her family had their van stolen. I know they were in a different city, and that Washington, D.C. is a high crime area, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that something bad might happen while I am out. I am more comfortable at home on the average day.

I managed to buy some books and bookmarks at Borders’ going out of business sale. I would have liked it more if I had had more money to spend, but some is better than none. I am so disappointed that my favorite bookstore is ceasing to exist. I suppose Amazon will get my business from now on because there is no nearby physical bookstore. Thankfully a new library is opening near here soon. I read many more library books than books I own. Reading is an expensive habit without library books. The free eBooks on Kindle give me lots of reading material too. One thing I really must begin to do is leave a book if it doesn’t interest me and stop plodding through books just because I started them.

I am planning on going to my thirty year class reunion this month, but am a little hesitant about it. School was not such a pleasant thing for me because I was bullied, though I do have some good memories on the academic side. I have always enjoyed learning. I hope this reunion is better than the ten year one I attended.

Laura, my daughter-in-law, found a puppy. She seems totally taken with Luna who is a black Lab mix. I think with all the attention she is giving the puppy that it should turn out to be a fine dog. I have no doubt Luna will be just as spoiled as my Hope.

I have not been paying much attention to my creative side. I fail to write, I fail to draw, and I fail to paint. Somehow I need to get back to those things, but my enjoyment of reading seems to hold me captive. There should be a balance, where I create and I read, but that does not seem to happen. At least I am not hooked on television. Computers, yes, books, yes, but those things give me some hope that I can be reunited with my creative side. I should really come here and blog more often, but I have little incentive. I often feel I am only talking to myself, and I can do that in my head without all the effort of typing out the thoughts and making them sensible. I manage to post on Twitter and Facebook quite often via TweetDeck, but even that seems futile at times. One day I am going to make a collection of my best Twitter posts and bring them here. I think some of them are quite erudite.

I hope all of you are doing well and living happily. I am happy in my life be it ever so simple.

Always,
Jo Ann

I Am Afraid…

Mom’s health is deteriorating. She is having more problems all the time. I am doing my best to care for her, but I have no control over systems in her body that are malfunctioning. I monitor and report to her doctors. They do not have the answers either. We are fighting a war we cannot win against an opponent all who live must face, aging. Eventually living catches up with us and we begin to wear out. Death comes steadily closer in an inevitable march.

Tuesday, we both had mammograms. Mine was fine. They found something suspicious on the left side in Mom’s results. She has to have another mammogram next Tuesday. I know it may be as simple as a shadow, but I am worried. What will I do if there is something wrong? How will I face it?

Her blood pressure has been uncontrollable. Sometimes it is very high, sometimes it is very low. I monitor it, but I cannot regulate it.

The Parkinson’s disease is progressing; the weakness and trembling are getting worse. I cannot make it go away.

Her memory is failing. There are things she just does not hold in her mind anymore. I try to keep up with everything, but what of the things she knew that I never learned?

I try my best to care for her, but nothing I do is making things better. I hate watching her get worse, but I cannot stop the hands of time.

I still need my mother, without her things will be so much more difficult for me. I will have to go without the things she helps me have. I will have no one to listen to my uncontrolled rants. I will have no one to share my fears. I will have no one to cheer me when I have no will to carry on. No one cares for me so much or so unconditionally. Who will face my insanity with me and help me back to reality? Who will talk to me, anytime? Who will bring me a present, just because? I do not think I can face life without her. How do I prepare to lose her? Can I really face days alone?

I am afraid… I know I am strong, but I am also very weak. I am used to her support, she is always there holding me in her love. How will I survive?

God is with us always, but sometimes God seems impersonal and far away. Mom can hold me in her arms, God cannot, not physically. How do I live without hugs and smiles?

I pray she is here longer, because I love Mom so much, but I also pray she has to suffer very little. I cannot hold her to this life when she is very uncomfortable here.

What am I to do? I am terrified…

Always,
Jo Ann


Writing Fears

This is an exercise from Page after Page by Heather Sellers. I am to make a list of twenty five fears I have about writing. They may not all be rational, but here is my list:

1.     I don’t have anything important to say.
2.     I don’t have a college degree.
3.     I might say something embarrassing.
4.     My grammar isn’t great.
5.     I might make a mistake.
6.     Someone might dislike my writing.
7.     I have a disability.
8.     I might use the wrong words.
9.     I am not good at writing.
10.    I am scared to tell my truth because someone might hate me for it.
11.    I don’t have enough time to make all the writing perfect.
12.    I will never finish anything.
13.    It is too hard to write.
14.    My life isn’t interesting enough.
15.    I have not accomplished enough in my life.
16.    I constantly edit myself.
17.    I am really a reader, not a writer.
18.    My ideas are too original.
19.    My ideas aren’t original enough.
20.    I don’t always make sense.
21.    If I succeed I might not be presentable in public because I am not beautiful.
22.    I should participate in more writer’s groups.
23.    I am not a good enough person to be a writer.
24.    No one wants to read my drivel.
25.    I don’t have enough talent.