Pesky Thoughts

Went to sleep around 1:00AM and woke on my own at 8:00AM. Decided to stay up and get an early start on my Saturday. This sleeping thing is working so much better than it did for the previous three years that I am very pleased.
 
When I got up I found the house deserted except for Penny. Unfortunately the pesky thought that always occurs to me since my first breakdown came up again. I thought just for the briefest of moments that everyone had gone to heaven in the rapture and I had been left behind. This I told myself was crazy and went on about the business of getting the clothes together to wash the first of three loads for today. I have to deal with some small annoying crazy thoughts on a regular basis, but have learned to ignore most of it. I think my deep biblical background sometimes has a real negative effect on me. When I am unsure of myself which happens quite a lot, I often worry that I am going to hell. This can be a very disturbing thought and scare the life of me. I am bright enough to understand that these irrational thoughts are just that, but they are still an inconvenience. I function pretty much normally most of the time, and most people never realize I have Schizophrenia (Schizo-Affective Disorder), but it is a real personal challenge to stay "sane". The paranoia that goes along with all the rest can be very debilitating too, if I allow my mind to go down that path… most times I just tell my brain to shut up and go on with whatever it is I need to accomplish.
 
Soon I heard Mom and Alex bustling around outside. They have gotten an early start on the yard work. I am glad they decided to allow me to sleep. I will work inside while they do outdoor things. I really wish Mom would not try to do so much, but she is stubborn.
 
Well, I have to go unload the washer and put on another load of clothes.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann

About Happiness…

This is an excellent article: Happiness Is Back. I believe as stated in the article that a happier society would be a much better society. Money is not always the best measure of happiness. I have lived through times when I had more than I do now, but was overall less happy. Most of the time I am happy now, even though I am often completely broke. I sometimes aspire to more, but do not think having more would necessarily make me happier. If stress levels were higher because of a high pressure work environment, I am sure my happiness would suffer. Less time with family and to myself would also cause less happiness.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Friday’s Travels…

Went to bed around 1:45AM got up at 7:04AM. Took Alex to the bus stop, came back and crawled back in bed since I had nothing to do this morning. Slept until 11:00AM.
 
Logged into the computer and checked some of my favorite blog sites. Did some web surfing.
 
At almost 1:00PM mother returned from her trip out with her friend. We left about 1:20PM for town so that we could get to her appointment. We waited for the technician to finish with another patient for about forty minutes. I was allowed to go back for the procedure and realized again how frail Mom is getting when she tried to lay on the exam table. It was terribly painful for her. The test took about an hour.
 
After leaving the office we stopped at Pearle Vision Center to have Mom’s glasses adjusted. She had complained about them on the drive in so I thought stopping would help her.
 
I started a new book today: The Mind Map Book by Tony Buzan. I still have not finished the other one, but it is going so slow I thought reading something else would be a good idea. I managed to read quite a bit at the appointment.
 
When we returned home I computed some. I decided to go for a walk and take the digital camera with me to capture the scenery. I walked up to my brother’s property and took pictures of the two ponds and three horses. Being out felt very good. The horses licked my hands and allowed me to pet them, except for Jo she was being shy. Jo only really likes one human, my brother. Her prior owners abused her and she still seems to remember it. She is a beautiful American Quarter Horse. The pictures from my walk are above if you would like to view them in the folder named Pictures From My Walk, ingenious title, ay?
 
I cooked tonight. I still wish I did not have to do this chore. I wonder if taking cooking classes would change my opinion about the process. I doubt it.
 
Did some more surfing and talked to my best friend. Her day has been crazy as usual. I wish she could take some time away from all the chaos. It sounds like this Summer she and her husband will go on a vacation and leave the kids with me. I just hope I can work the schedules here at home around that time.
 
Alex wants to go to Boot Camp this Summer so that he is ready to go in the Marines as soon as he graduates. I am trying to convince him that maybe going in the military is no longer the best option for his future, but he seems sure he wants this. I will support his decision either way. I know his leaving is going to be incredibly hard for me. I will miss him so much. Heck, I miss him when he leaves for a few days now.
 
I hope you have a wonderful weekend…
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Link…

Our Godless Constitution and excellent argument for separation of church and state.

Local Tragedy… and A Wondering…

My mother related portions of this story to me on the way to her appointment this afternoon: Sheriff’s Deputy, Gunman Killed. We drive right by the home that was the scene of the crime on our way into Douglasville. I was saddened by the news. It is always tragic when an officer is killed in the line of duty. As we drove back home and passed the house I wondered, how do you hold a funeral for a person who has murdered someone? This thought had never really occurred to me before. I would think it was nearly impossible to make any remarks on such an occasion. How would you offer any comfort to the family, but at the same time how could you not try. Such tragedy in our world…
 
I wish there were true peace to be found.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Writing Practice

Her Heart beat like…

 

            Her heart beat like the staccato of a virtuoso’s drum when she spotted him at a table across the dining room. She did not expect to see him on her side of town. He generally would not come here, or at least he never did when they were together.

            She took the seat the perky hostess led her to with a sigh and began looking over the menu. Her mind raced frenetically, not focusing well on the pages before her. She glanced at him observing his face was thinner than last she saw him. His hair was longer, but attractively styled. Overall, he seemed relaxed and looked well. He was apparently taking his meal alone, intent on the food before him.

            Should she walk over and say hello… he had refused to meet with her every time she called. Her stomach knotted as it often did when she thought of him. Maybe it was better to go unnoticed.

            When Stacy, her waitress, returned she quietly placed her order. She hoped she might avoid a scene here in one of her favorite restaurants. Perhaps he would overlook her presence. Their last face to face had been disastrous. It still made her blanche to think of his behavior.

            Her order came quickly, but she felt little like eating. Her nerves were tensed in fight or flight mode. This violent reaction to seeing him disconcerted her.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

March 1, 2001

My Day… Wherein Interesting Things Happen…

I went to sleep at around 1:30AM and rose at 7:10AM because of the screeching alarm clock finally penetrating my consciousness, note to self still need to replace alarm clock… ten minutes is too long to ignore the darn thing. Other people in the household get upset about the noise. Got fussed at for passwording the computer… Alex thinks he should have open access to mine, but not me to his. Took Alex to the bus stop with my eyes almost closed, not sleepy, contact malfunction. Barely made it on time because he was loading my music onto his iPAC. Came back and changed out of pajamas into jeans and my favorite smock. Tried to surf a little, but Mom wanted to leave for town so we did.
 
Stopped at Dollar General to return something Mom had bought. Wound up shopping. Got some cool blank books and an adorable stuffed lamb. Should not have spent any money. Am a shoppaholic… need control… obviously incapable of such. Will be the inevitable ruin of myself. I am a self-fulfilling disaster waiting to happen, or in process. I will worry about it when I have more time.
 
Bought two Kystal Sunrisers and ate the delicious little things on the way to K-mart. Looked around a little and was forcefully attacked by two blouses. They jumped directly into my shopping cart. They were clearance items, and now they have a new home.
 
Took Mom to her 11:00 appointment with her primary care physician. His nurse informed me she still wants me to paint her nursery when she has a baby. I look forward to this event, but it is not likely to happen anytime soon.
 
The doctor comes into the room points at me and says, "What is this?" I am befuddled for a moment then he says, "Nick-Nack Paddy Wack" and I realize he is talking about my smock. I smile and stupidly point at another phrase that says, "All Bark… No Bite." He laughs and I think maybe the moment of embarrassing revelation is over. He asks if Mom is still seeing her neurologist, we reply yes, he asks if we like that he is in this building. I reply, "Yes, it is much more convenient than his other office which was a long drive." Then I say, "And don’t you own this building?" He looks abashed, and says, "Yes, and where did you hear this." My turn to get uncomfortable and mumble, "I heard it when you had the flood." He says, "Oh!" This was the most personal conversation we have engaged in during the four years he has been mother’s doctor and I was quite amazed.
 
He asked about Mom’s major complaints and she told him about her neck pain and the pain going down her left arm. He said maybe she should go back on Celebrex and Mom asked wasn’t it hazardous, and he and I discussed the latest findings on the drug because I had read about it on the web. I agreed we should try it again and he seemed pleased. He also ordered an x-ray which was done in office, but we have to go back at 2:00PM tomorrow for an ultrasound on the artery in her neck. He must suspect the blockage has worsened from 47%, and that it may be the culprit in this ongoing severe pain. I am very worried that if this has occurred that she may require surgery… this is very scary to me. Mom and I do not always get along, but I love her dearly, and want her here as long as possible. I do not think she realizes how serious this might be, and right now I am not saying it to her. I worry…
 
We left the office and took the truckload of crushed cans to the recycling center. The man there wanted us to come back after his lunch because he had only had two customers all morning, but Mom said no that we could not come back. He gave her a really dirty look, then jumped off his truck and started grabbing bags off our truck and pouring them into the trashcans. He has never lifted a hand to help us with unloading before. We rushed. Mom received $60.30 for what were mostly my cans. She gets the money because she crushes them. I would, but my carpal tunnel makes hammering them a real pain. This is inequitable, but I have to play by Mom’s rules. Maybe she will buy me lunch, sometime.
 
Next we went to Wal-Mart to do the grocery thing. Today my right foot was hurting so I was trying to get through as quick as possible and she came up with things she had to go all the way back across the store for three times. Next time I read her list so we do not backtrack. Sometimes my lack of sense amazes me. I know she cannot shop in a organized manner, she gets confused, but I stupidly did not read the list today. I paid dearly for my mistake.
 
We came home and unloaded the truck. After everything was put away she called me from the computer to the kitchen to have a conference. She wanted to know if she could set Alex’s bedtime at 11:00PM over the weekend if he failed to do the outdoor chores she wanted done. I told her no. She said I never support her when she needs things done. I said that she should just ask Alex and then maybe remind him instead of putting some kind of condition which was sure to infuriate him on his doing the task. She was pissed… I went back to my room and she whined from the living room that I could tell him what she wanted done and if he did not she would do it. This she is incapable of, and was a ploy to guilt me. It worked somewhat.
 
When Alex came home she asked him to go get the mail, unload the fertilizer, and put the truck up. Nothing about the outdoor chores. I called Alex into my room told him about our conference and my response and asked him nicely to do the chores she wanted done. He was not happy about her ultimatum style approach, nor that she was mad at me and sulking, but he agreed to get it all done by the end of the weekend. Mission accomplished.
 
He went out and worked awhile and did all the things she had asked him to do.
 
We had chicken, ramen, and sugar snap peas for supper, used up all the leftover meat. You really should try sugar snap peas, they are delicious… and picky kid friendly.
 
Well, that’s about all for my day… Hope yours was happy!
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Worth clicking

The Web Not the Death of Language is a good article on how internet communication is adding writing to many of our days. This is a little scary: Big Brother Lives.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Truth is Definately Stranger than Fiction…

This story is worth a click… Sperm: The ‘gift’ that keeps on giving. Some almost unbelievable things happen sometimes. I am still wondering about the logistics of this. Can it really be done? Apparently so, but I never thought about the possibility before. Just imagine what could have happened if someone else had done this… I won’t mention any names, but it could have been really big news.
 
Always,
Jo Ann

Me and My Outspoken Opinions…

I found this and thought it worth sharing: Fact Finders. This shows an inside glimpse of what moves both sides of the political machine. This is worth a click too… All of the People, All of the Time. I don’t know about you but I seriously wonder what our president truly intended.
 
Just in case you do not already know I am a democrat and do not support the tyranny of the current administration. I think we as a nation need to reform our government around true freedom and democracy for all citizens, not just the privileged rich and huge business conglomerates. I am appalled at the extent this administration has disenfranchised the common citizen. I know some of the people who voted to elect these people again, they were my friends, but they no longer want to associate with me because I spoke up about my beliefs. I think this country was built on freedom for every person, not just those who agree with me… I want people to have the right to make their own choices and pursue happiness how they see fit. As long as someone is not hurting another or abusing property or trampling on someone-else’s rights I believe he or she should be able to do what seems right to her/himself. I am not in the business or place to make moral and value judgments on my fellow citizen. Their life is theirs to live. Their choices are between them and God or whatever power or lack thereof they choose to believe in.
 
I am not even really wanted in my own church anymore because I speak out on things they do not wish discussed. I am seriously trying to figure out where I may belong in a faith community because I no longer belong in the Southern Baptist Church. I am a Christian, but I am progressive and willing to embrace people who are different than myself. I was talking to my friend today and was a little surprised that she actually believes similarly to what I do… I know there are some in my church who would call and have called me a heathen and a heretic. I have faith, but it is a different brand than that of which they approve.
 
Maybe I will find a place where I fit in eventually, for now I can worship on my own. I am quite accustomed to being ostracized and alone. I might even become a hermit if I could afford the luxury. I cannot, I have too many people depending on me. It is okay though leastways someone needs me and I have a reason to stay a while longer…
 
I noticed the traffic here has picked up a little in the last few days… I hope maybe you all will come back, that way I feel like this means more.
 
I think that is enough for now. Later…
 
Always,
Jo Ann