Feminine hygiene products are difficult for me. I think it all relates to my first experience with them.
I was very young, maybe five. I don’t remember how long my father’s touching me and having me touch him had been going on. I really don’t remember my younger years too clearly. I think I blocked a lot of it out, to be able to cope. I know it has taken lots of therapy and hard work to be able to express anything about the sexual abuse I survived. I could not talk about it much until after Daddy died.
One night he had been touching me and I got up to go to the bathroom. When I looked down I was bleeding. I know now that he had probably penetrated my hymen with his fingers, but at the time I was scared. I called Mama and she came to the bathroom, when she saw the blood she must have been very confused. She told my father and he said that I must be starting my menstrual periods. Mama thought I was really young, but she was naïve enough to believe this story. She went and bought pads and a belt for me to wear. I remember how uncomfortable it was. I also remember how that box of sanitary pads stayed in the closet for years, with me seeing it from time to time and feeling ashamed.
Shame is always what I feel when I buy such things. I wish I could get over it, but that seems impossible for me. I do not really feel good about myself even after so many years.
I found out a few years ago that my father also abused my nieces. I did not know this. I knew I was not the only one because in the 80’s he was convicted of child molestation and had to do some time in jail, but I never told anyone what had happened to me and continued to be done to me until the man’s death. See, I loved Daddy, and did not want him to be punished. He had so often told me that there was nothing wrong with what he did. I did not believe him because I knew it made me feel dirty, but I wanted to protect him.
A few months ago Alex came to me and told me that my father had done inappropriate sexual things to him too. I was so angry. For the first time in my life I hated my father. Now, I am back to forgiveness, but it tortures me that maybe had I said something others would have been spared abuse.
My brother who is father to my nieces only learned about the abuse that happened to his girls recently. He wants to kill my father, but he is dead, so revenge on him is out of the question. He got the idea into his head that my mother knew what had gone on, and he wanted to punish her. I had often wondered if Mom knew what happened to me, but I doubted it, because I could not imagine her letting it go on. When my brother threatened to confront mother about his girls, I finally went to Mom and told her what had happened to me. I asked her if she knew, and she told me no. I do not understand how she did not know, but I believe her. I stood up for her with my brother, and now he no longer speaks to me. I hope one day he can forgive, and move beyond his anger.
One of my counselors says that my schizophrenia is the diathesis stress model of the disease. She says part of what I suffer from is post-traumatic-stress-syndrome, and this makes sense. If I had not been so horribly misused maybe I would never have gotten sick.
I still love my father, but there are a lot of ambivalent feelings attached to my thoughts of him. Sometimes I have thought of him as the devil, but I know he was just a very sick mortal man. Sometimes I have difficulty with the concept of a loving father God, because my concepts of father are so skewed. I forgave my father long ago for what he did to me. I kept the secret to protect he and my mother, and because I felt so guilty myself. I wish no one else ever had to go through the torture I have lived through, but it still happens and unfortunately sometimes no one knows except for those involved.
I hope I offended no one. This is not an easy story to tell, but if it could help one person, it is worth it.
I’ve been debating writing this a while. I hope I was not wrong.
Always,
Jo Ann
Chronicles 
Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life…statistics say 1 out of 4 people were sexually abused as a child….sad…Darlene
Thanks for reading Darlene. I think the statistics could be inaccurate and it may be even higher. Some people never get to the point they can admit something happened. I know I blocked out lots of it for many years. Remembering hurt so bad.Thank you too for being compassionate and understanding.Always,Jo Ann
I can only think of the words brave and strong. I\’m sure you may not feel that way now, but that\’s what I would say. Blogging is like group therapy, I hope you feel all the support around you. 🙂
Thanks Lisa, you are right I don\’t feel either brave or strong much of the time. However, I have learned that pain and suffering bring understanding and sometimes make one stronger. I can accept others with compassion no matter what their lives may be like and that is a gift that I may have received no other way but through my past. So I can accept what I lived through. I have learned that lots of life is not black and white and that kindness is much superior to bitterness. Forgiveness and love are gifts that in the end benefit ourselves more than those we give them to. I am hanging in, and I am thankful for the support I feel here in cyberspace. I thank you for reading and leaving a note.Always,Jo Ann
I appreciate the courage it takes to share a story like yours. I hope that others who read take heed and that maybe someone can be prevented from going through what you experienced. I agree – I think the stats may be even higher than what is reported.
Jo – I think you are very brave for writing this and I think if more people had the guys to speak out…abuse wouldn\’t happen nearly as much. I have family and friends who were abused as children and it just makes me sick….your courage is inspiring. TAKE CARE!!
JP, sharing this was very hard, but if my story can help prevent one tragedy then it is worth the discomfort. No child anywhere should have to live though something so devastating. I do think the real numbers are higher than we commonly like to think about. The feelings of guilt, shame, and responsibility tend to keep people who are taught they must keep the secret from answering truthfully when asked.Crystal, thanks. Don\’t judge those who stay quiet too harshly, it has taken years for me to get to a point I could admit this abuse. I have had some very understanding counselors who have helped me deal with the trauma. They still work with me on issues that are related to it. I am fortunate in that they have been very supportive, and they have told me that my story is worth telling. I am sorry some of your relatives and friends have been through such experience. Maybe oneday such things will no longer happen. I hope so… I don\’t know about the courage… but thanks.Always, Jo Ann
Jo, You have done a great thing by writing this. You are stronger than you know – take time to tap into that energy and draw from it. We have similar stories, you and I. I was sexually and mentally abused as a child as well; my parents were into satanism and witchcraft. As a result, I am dealing with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Lisa is right – blogging is therapy – we are here to support one another and I support you 100%! You are amazing!Be Well.Lilli
Thanks Lilli, I try to depend on the stronger part of myself. Just sometimes I feel so incompetent that I cannot reach that place.I am sorry that you went through much the same thing. I think the mental component of such abuse is more devastating even than the physical part. I know that when I tried to say something was wrong with what my father was doing that he would tell me that I was crazy and at later points told me that I was going to hell. My parents were both Christians, Dad even was a licensed preacher who had a great deal of theological training. I learned a lot about the Bible from him, but I also know very well how to turn that text against me. Satanism and witchcraft are hard things to be raised in. We may have a great deal in common in the illnesses we suffer from, I am glad we have met. I have known writing is therapeutic for many years.
Blogging is relatively new to me, but I am so glad I found it. The support from others is very encouraging. Thank you for supporting me. It seems to me that the amazing people are those who are willing to accept someone like me.Always,Jo Ann
Thanks for leaving a "welcome back" note on my blog today. This entry brings to mind a well-known song:Walked out this morningDon\’t believe what I sawA hundred billion bottlesWashed up on the shoreSeems I\’m not alone in being aloneA hundred billion castawaysLooking for a homeHave you not already seen bottles filled with empathy, gratitude and compassion start to wash up on your shore? I think surely you didn\’t do wrong by sharing 🙂
Searcher, I had missed you, no problem about the note.Thanks for coming over here and offering your support. I had hoped I did not do the wrong thing sharing this entry. It is really scary to step forward like that. I do feel the positive reinforcement here. It is good to know others care. I love my blog buddies… you all mean a lot to me.Smiles,Jo Ann