Day 5: Soft Belly

Journal Prompts and My Responses

List what you are postponing because it is too scary, too difficult, or too painful…

Exercising daily

Giving up on ever resuming a relationship with Jeff

Writing the story of my life

Writing a novel

Painting on canvas

Writing in a nice blank book

Sending some of my works out to publishers

Trying to reconcile my relationships with my two brothers

Applying for jobs

Putting a halt to spending on credit

Making an appointment for a complete physical

Coloring my hair

Telling Mom that this is my life and I will live as I choose

Writing a poem

Drawing a picture

Using my cameras

List your regrets, disappointments, your most profound “If onlys…” and “I should haves.”

Sending the card to Misty that resulted in Jeff’s throwing me out of his life

Letting my dream of publishing OC go because I lacked money

Not following through with Vocational Rehab and going to college as I had planned

Moving back in with Mom

Allowing Mom to lend me money so that she has control over me

Getting married so young when I should have went to college instead

Terminating my pregnancy with Katherine Rose

Not fighting my unfair termination from Speedway/Starvin’ Marvin

Not trying harder to get my goods from Jeff when he kicked me out

Letting physical problems keep me from enlisting in the Army

Spending money I do not have

Seldom going to Church

Never finishing my stories and novels

Failing to lose weight

Failing to become a famous author

Acting like everything is okay when in reality my world is falling apart

Choose one of the above and pretend you have the power to change the past. How would your life be different right now?

If I had controlled my spending, I would not be in a financial crisis right now. Granted I would have fewer things but I might be more content because there would be less stress. I would not be in debt to mother and have her gripes to put up with in that situation. Sure, she would gripe, but I would not feel guilty and allow her words to legislate my life.

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

Five things for which I am grateful today:

1. The abounding grace of God
2. My relationship with Alex
3. My unicorn statuette
4. Tomorrow being a new day
5. Forever Friends

Emotional talismans I treasure:

1. The plaque I earned for outstanding performance while at Speedway
2. The ink pen with Tweety Bird on it that Alex gave me for Christmas in 1999
3. The bookshelf Mike made for me for Christmas in 1999
4. The Writer at Large tub that Richard gave me for my birthday one year
5. The Believe in your self embroidery that Braswell gave me.
6. This computer which is a gift to myself to inspire my writing and art
7. Stephanie Denita my Cabbage Patch Kid who comforts me over the loss of my girls
8. Faithfully the Build a Bear koala that Alex gave me for my birthday in 2000
9. The Create cup that Sam gave me
10. The unicorn snow globe mother gave me in 1996
11. Hopeful the stuffed doggy mother gave me one year for Valentine’s Day
12. The letters I earned in chorus in high school
13. The necklace Jeff gave me for Christmas 1996
14. The blank books I have bought and am saving to put something important into

A dream I may have abandoned:

Becoming a published writer or acclaimed artist are things on which I have given up. I do not believe my work is good enough to compete with the real writers and artists out there. I think my work is okay, but why should anyone buy from someone like me. I am a novice and I have failed at so many things in life. Crazy creatives are many and I am one of the worst. I do not deserve to be recognized beyond the present level. I still want to succeed, but I am afraid it will never happen

I went to bed at 4:00AM and woke up at 9:30AM for a phone call. I am not staying up long because I need a little more sleep, but I needed to get a new entry posted.

The last thing about A dream I may have abandoned: may be wrong. I really want to be a published writer and in a way I am doing that here… I still have the dream to get OC up and running so that I can publish my own stuff. It is gradually coming true.

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great day. Mine should be fine, except I have to return the software I bought at CompUSA. I found that package much cheaper elsewhere.

Smiles,

Jo Ann  

Day 4: Eavesdrop

Journal Prompts and My Responses

Dip into your memory bank and write about the sounds of familiar voices. What words were spoken at your front door or in the bedroom? Arguments or tears? Be as specific as possible.

Mom’s voice is often grating because so many times throughout my life she has only expressed negativity and complaining at me. Sometimes I just want to tune her out, but her voice is deeply ingrained on my consciousness. My critic tends to use mother’s tone and words.

Richard’s voice is soothing to me. There have been times over the years when I was so irritated with him that I did not wish to talk to him. These days he is a voice of sanity and comfort. His voice conveys friendship.

Reba’s voice is so seldom heard that it is pure pleasure for me to talk to her.

Leigh’s voice reminds me of my younger self and at the same time raises guilt in me over things I have not accomplished and things I have done.

Alex’s voice is very dear. Hearing him speak reminds me of my responsibility.

Jeff’s voice hits me in the gut. I feel uneasy and yet invigorated when I speak to him. He is now a guilty pleasure to me.

Robey’s voice is thick as honey and titillating. I never expected to hear from him again.

Braswell’s voice is help to me. When I listen to her I learn to look at my best self. I will never forget how her voice was sympathetic at some of the worst times in my life.

Brenda’s voice is one of encouragement. She implores me to grow and rise above my circumstances.

Think about the times you were truly heard. Who truly listened? How did it feel?

After years and years of misunderstanding me and failing to hear me Richard finally heard my story. He recognized the agony of my life and how it had influenced all my actions and interactions. It felt awesome to have him say he understood and counted me a hero.

Leigh listens to me and empathizes with me. Her conversations with me have taught me to trust in my memories.

My counselors hear me. Sometimes I feel they are the only ones attuned to my frequency. It strengthens me to have them listen.

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

Five things for which I am grateful today:

1. I get to use the things I bought yesterday
2. I began reading a new book today.
3. My hands are well.
4. I have semi-dependable internet service.
5. God is love.

A list of ten nice things I could do for myself:

1. Color my hair.
2. Get a manicure and pedicure.
3. Have a massage.
4. Go to a nice restaurant alone for lunch one day.
5. Sneak off for a weekend getaway with someone I care about (assuming I have a man in my life).
6. Take a drive just for whimsy and take some photos of what I see.
7. Find someone with whom to and to whom to write.
8. Go outside and walk more often.
9. Take a writing course.
10. Take an art course.

If I could go anywhere in the world all expenses paid I would go to:

1. Washington D.C. to visit the Smithsonian Institution because it houses our history. I would go with Alex to introduce him to the wonder. I would probably take my cameras and lots of film to take pictures.
2. The Grand Canyon because it exemplifies the majesty of God’s creation. I would go with someone I care about deeply and bask in his love in such a blessed place. I would take many photographs.
3. Paris, France to take in sights and observe people. I would like to go because it is supposed to be one of the most cultured places in the world and of course, I would have to see the Louvre. I would have to do this with a love interest.

I went to bed at 1:00AM and woke up when Mom called me at 1:00PM. I must have been really tired because I have not slept that long in a while.

BlogShares improved through the night. I was glad of all the activity I initiated on there yesterday.

Today I am staying home I think. There is a lot I can do here, and Alex is not up yet. I think the next order of business is to get a shower.

Have an excellent day and come back soon.

Always,

Jo Ann

I may have some new visitors in the next little while. I mentioned all this to my psychiatrist today and he seemed very interested. He will have to visit after hours, but he may enjoy the blogosphere. He is really one of my favorite people. I will introduce him around soon if he gets here.

He seemed intrigued by the whole online journal idea. He is not an uber geek yet, but he may become one. Very thoughtful and intellectual Jewish person. He does a lot of good in the world. Treats hopeless cases like me and cheers me on. In this visit we just talked about what I am doing for fun and sounded like he might be into hardware advice. His office is very minimal technology for all he does. Today was very stressful for him, lack of cooperation from staff is sometimes a major problem in the office.

He gave me hugs and air kisses before I left, such a sweet soul.

He has to get a passport and all that before he will make his presence known.

Alex is having problems with his new Matrix on-line game. The lag times are making him curse at the game. I have not paid the online fees yet and this is very good. He wants to curse online and cannot get the game to do it among other dissatisfactions. He pronounced it lame a few minutes ago. Back to the store tomorrow with the thing, I guess.

I have not opened my major acquisition yet. I am just savoring the shrink wrapped package of PageMaker. I owned all this once before and it was taken from me. I have to get someone who knows all its capabilities to advise me on it.

I am getting tired and thinking of climbing into bed. Long day. Happiness all over the place. I should take a camera everywhere we go to document life.

I am trying to figure out how to put a recording of my voice on the blog. That is new and different.

Guess I will have to get all the uber geeks involved. I read poetry really well I am told, and my accent is choice. No one knows where I come from around here at first.

Life is just a work of art in progress.

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Blustery Spring day with lots of wind for our excursion today… jacket weather, but I still wore a skirt. Ate lunch at Longhorn. Steak was a little different than what I ordered, but everything else was very nice. Went to the far off realm of Town Center Mall in Cobb County, lots of traffic today… people everywhere, laughing, talking, very good times… Story is getting better will post a teaser sometime soon. Talk of moving closer to Atlanta, more life there. Happier people, not the Wal-Mart crowd in that environment. Spent major bucks today… geek stuff… Like the newest version of PageMaker. The online version of the Matrix game. New books, poetry and inspiration. Will be posting bits and pieces soon. Talked about blogging and starting some new endeavors… got a little lost. We do not go that far away often. Media Play, Comp USA, started to Dick Blick, but thought better of that idea. I still need an easel and canvas. New hardware pricing, discussion of Sun Workstations… looked at the newest PhotoShop. Was in major heaven today.

The pope died… sorry for the Catholics. Lots of new stuff on the horizon, maybe, in that sector of the population.

Sunny with lots of clouds, overall beautiful day. Everybody out and about. Lots of money changing hands. New clothes all around on bodies we met. Gotta love people, some are so beautiful and interesting. Saved new cars for later in the week. Talk of more space and new gadgets. Saw some neat computer hybrids out there, phones with software… Very happening, very now.

Alex got some new movies… actually they are DVD’s, one is Desperado and something Japanese… he likes swords and martial arts. Action and adventure movies are big on his list. I think he may have gotten something for Xbox today. We looked all around the stores. Had two buggies of stuff. Mom even got a new stuffed animal and I of course had to have one too. Cute. Looked at new digital cameras. Said we would wait a while on that, I have great analog equipment.

Lots of discussion of new ideas… working media into things. The next week should be interesting. Alex has a bit of wanderlust. Maybe some day trips, of course the Mountz side of the family wants to see him over break. Maybe Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday he will be gone to seek funding for the book and other expensive things like part of the new monitor. Talk of finally getting a press pass for me… I have the equipment and some skills, just have to prove myself. Getting a full business license for Original Creations again… Truly good day after all the confusion lately. The logo and other things are all in place. New stationary, business cards, hype… a little buzz. Things look very positive now.

Hope all of you had a good day!

I posted pictures of the sandals and will post more stuff later. If I can get Alex to neaten his space I will add a picture of his environment. Off to other places in blog land. Talked about some of the cool people online I know. Lots of interest in MCP, JNuts, FBC, Reeking Havoc, and all the rest… the space thing has comments here and wishes and gotta haves. Almost got a new wireless keyboard and mouse today. Did not go to the right store for Wacom tablets. Maybe more excursions tomorrow.

Love my life right now. Excited about the preparation for the book.

Too much to do…

TTYL,

Jo Ann