I am so angry and disappointed that all I feel is rage and I really do not even want to continue with life if it must be so unfair to me all the time. I know I can not kill myself, because God himself will not allow it to happen for me, but that does not stop my wishing I could finally escape such an existence. I know this is not how I should nor am expected to feel, but I am so tired of always trying to be something so exhausting as my own trials with being positive as an individual is to my personality. Dying would be a release and hopefully then I could rest without being perpetually under fire for who, what, how, why I am and the choices I have made.

 

I am not suicidal, I just have not the energy for all the expenditure I must make to survive. I really feel like giving up all hope. I have been here before and really never depart very far. Life seems so hopeless. I never achieve anything. I probably should wait until I can write something better, but this will go away no time soon.

 

I hate feeling this way, but that only makes it feel more concrete. It is not something I expect to fade, in fact, I expect it to become more solid and stronger. My experience reinforces it daily. All I know to do to spare everyone hearing about this dismal dungeon I visit is stop writing. I think the blog was never meant to be somewhere I had to hide myself.

 

Sighs,

Jo Ann

Day 14: In the Dark

 

Journal Prompts and My Responses

 

Were you ever afraid of the dark? Were you ever afraid of the boogeyman or whatever lay under your bed or hid in your closet?

 

• Fear of the dark has been a recurring theme for me. I was scared of darkness as a child then at various times when I was insecure throughout my adulthood.
• I was never afraid of what stayed under my bed. Mother demanded that under there stay so clean there was no place for anything to hide.
• I have at times been afraid of what might be hiding in the closet. For many years, I hated closed closet doors because I could not readily see inside.

 

How have you come back from despair, trauma, heartache, or disappointment? What did you do to break out of the darkness?

 

• Each time I have been overcome by negative emotion I have made a conscious effort to lift myself out of the abyss.
• I have used writing to clarify my thoughts and give my reasoning ability to work.
• I have used art to lighten and correct my mood.
• I have been on medication to help me.
• I have been in counseling to aid me in dealing with my feelings.
• Often it seems that it is a matter of making up the mind that negative feelings are not to be part of my experience.

 

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

 

• Five things for which I am grateful today:
1. I managed to be positive despite feeling hopeless
2. I am proud to be a mother
3. Mom fixed some food for me
4. Someone I met in the hospital called me
5. I am beginning to see clearly about my life again
• An absolutely un-me thing I would love to do and what it might be like if I did it:
• I would like to do a showing of my art or send out some of my writing for submission.
• I would probably feel great about doing these things.
• I would smile a lot.
• Family beliefs that have held me back from living the life I have dreamed about:
• Reading is a waste of time
• Writing won’t pay the bills
• Writing is a waste of time
• Being told I could not write interesting stories because I have never lived
• Art is not a money making industry
• Art is a waste of time
• Investing in learning art is throwing good money after bad
• Investing in books on writing is stupid
• Investing in books of any kind is a waste
• Artist’s supplies are too expensive to invest in
• Using a computer is a waste of time
• Investing in technology is a waste of capital
• If it is fun it cannot be otherwise rewarding
• Nice cameras are a waste of money
• Taking photographs is not art
• Music is a waste of time
• Musicians do not make money
• The label of crazy person
• The label of lazy person
• Supports that have enabled me to explore my capabilities:
• My marriage to Jeff
• My raising of Alex
• Richard encouraged me to sing
• Being on disability and having time to explore my creativity
• Working with my counselors
• Buying my own tools
• Using the library extensively
• Credit cards
• I can instill positive ideas in others so they are encouraged to be the best selves they can be by:
• Allowing plenty of time for reading
• Explaining that a person who works hard can be a successful writer
• Encouraging writing
• Teaching that all values and all experience levels are worthy of respect
• Helping someone see that art can be a money making industry by teaching them about various forms and usages of art
• Encouraging everyone to creatively express themselves
• Sharing my knowledge with others
• Creating in my life as an example to others of what can be done by anyone
• Encouraging understanding rather than condemnation
• Remembering to judge no one, but live in love

Day 13: A E I O U

 

Journal Prompts and My Responses

 

List all of your positive character traits.

 

• Friendly
• Supportive
• Encouraging
• Helpful
• Honest
• Artistic
• Creative
• Humble
• Patient
• Trusting
• Good listener
• Stylish
• Erotic
• Fun-loving
• Easy-going
• Hopeful
• Happy
• Intense
• Cooperative
• Courageous
• Bold
• Fair
• Clean

 

How do you disappear? How do you check out?

 

• I get lost in stories
• I zone out in front of the computer
• I try to blend in with the scenery
• I think myself into a creative space
• I ignore outer stimulus when I am overloaded
• I listen to music
• I play computer games
• I close the door to my room (rarely)
• I go to sleep

 

Finish the following sentence: “If I ever let myself completely go…” What might happen?

 

• I might act confidently and accomplish things that I am usually afraid to try
• I might go see what kind of mischief I could find with life again
• I might find out that I have more self-esteem than I manifest daily
• I might create something new and exciting
• I might stop criticizing myself so much
• I might meet a new man for my life
• I might move out and never come back

 

Moodlings… on The Simple Abundance Companion

 

• Five things for which I am grateful today:
1. I slept in today
2. I figured out how to pay the DSL yesterday
3. I took action on a sale that was botched by the seller
4. I am going to try to figure out how to get a job
5. I can smile even though I feel like a loser

 

• List some courageous acts of other women:
1. Standing up for women’s rights
2. Helping slaves escape to the North
3. Talking publicly about sexual abuse
4. Helping ailing elderly
5. Campaigning for support for the disadvantaged
6. Flying airplanes
7. Becoming soldiers
8. Becoming police officers
9. Writing books to encourage community
10. Going out and facing the world of work daily

 

• List how you would have acted in these women’s shoes:
1. I would stand up for women’s right to vote or right to choose
2. I would have set slaves free and helped them to escape oppression
3. I would have been terribly afraid but I would have spoken out
4. I am doing what she did
5. I would try to get help for those who needed it
6. I don’t think that I could fly an airplane
7. I wanted to become a soldier
8. I doubt I have the courage to be a police officer
9. I would gladly write a book to encourage community
10. I would like to do this now and would were I able

Day 12: Eye to I

 

Journal Prompts and My Responses

 

Sign your name over and over again. Fill one entire page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Record the words that define who you are and who you’ve been…

 

• Daughter
• Lover
• Mother
• Writer
• Artist
• Loving
• Caring
• Honest
• Sneaky
• Poet
• Photographer
• Collector
• Impatient
• Procrastinator
• Short
• Organized
• Debtor
• Manager
• Evolving
• Bold
• Shy
• Christian
• Democrat
• Patron
• Reader
• Intellectual
• Mentally Ill
• Depressed
• Happy
• Kind
• Funny
• Geek
• Nerd
• Gracious
• Generous
• Thoughtful
• Easy Going
• Self-educated
• Overweight
• Abused
• Survivor
• Competent
• Hard worker
• Singer
• Financially stressed
• Fiscally responsible
• Independent
• Dependent
• Rebel
• Tasteful
• Judicious
• Careful
• Spontaneous
• Clean
• Divorcee
• Patient
• Calm
• Overwhelmed
• Excitable
• Unique
• Dog person

 

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

 

• Something I have done that amazed me with its boldness, its rightness, its power:
• I published a magazine back in 1995
• I chose to have my baby despite others wanting me to abort
• I went back to Jeff after our divorce
• I bought a new computer to help me start writing more and have followed through
• An action I have been afraid to take, now or in the past, for fear of failing:
• Starting my magazine up again
• Sending out submissions of my work
• Going to college
• Getting a place of my own
• Steps I can take to give myself the courage it will take:
• I could try to work on some magazine layouts
• I could write something and have someone I trust read it
• I could call rehab
• I could get a job
• Five things for which I am grateful today:
1. Sleeping Thursday morning
2. Seeing Leigh
3. Calling Amazon and straightening out the mess I was in there
4. I got my driver’s license in my real name
5. My shower felt good

Today was mildly interesting even though I was hoping for a better day. I took Alex to school this morning so he could meet with his Algebra 2 teacher, who I found this afternoon stood him up. That irked me because in the process of taking him into the school this morning I nearly ran us off the road. I should not be driving that early in my present condition, this teacher would rank high on my list for getting a little piece of my oh so belligerent mind.

 

I came home and went back to bed. Mom woke me at 9:00AM because she was leaving the house and I was supposed to go out to run some of my errands with my niece Leigh. I called Leigh and she said she would be here around 11:00AM so I told her to call me as she came into our area so that I would be ready to go. I went back to bed. My medicine is still kicking my can well. I am so exhausted all the time.

 

I awoke at 11:00AM and called Leigh to find out if I had overslept. She told me, "Oh no, I just had the emissions inspection done on my van and I will be there in a while."

 

This did not sit well, but I stifled my comments and tried to remember when you ask for help you have to take what crumbs you are given.

 

Leigh had still not shown up by 2:00PM so I called her again. Now I was afraid we would not make it to the places I needed to go at all. She informed me she had been in downtown Atlanta picking up Jesse’s dry cleaning and she was on her way to me now. I was quite undone but managed to react civilly.

 

When she finally arrived here I told her I doubted we could do what I meant to accomplish at all. It took a great effort to be calm. As we left here, Mom was returning from her trip. When I realized Leigh had no idea where we were going I almost despaired of the whole thing.

 

This trip was important to me. For years, almost my whole life I have lived with a name that quite literally drives me nuts. I am Jo Ann and have been called such for every day of my life. My federal ID such as my Social Security Card is in that name and I may work under that name whenever and wherever I am employed. Because my birth certificate is in Joyce Anita the state of Georgia has stubbornly refused to issue my driver’s license in any other name. Even though I may here too pay my taxes as Jo Ann. This is a real issue for me because mother’s name is Joyce and I do not like to be called by that name. Even during this last hospitalization they would not put Jo Ann on my armband and staff called me Joyce repeatedly. It irks me and I hate the confusion it causes.

 

I do not mind being Jo Ann Joyce Anita Jordan… but that is my real name and not just whatever the state government decides is legitimate for them to tag me with, personally I use Jo Ann J. A. Jordan a lot. It is shorter and a bit less time consuming.

 

During my last divorce, from Jeff, back in 1997, I made it a condition of the decree that my name be fully instated as Jo Ann Joyce Anita Jordan. This was done with no hesitation because the man understood what hassles I have undergone due to such a misnomer on my documents. I found out when I bought the Jeep that they refused to title it to me in my real name. This aggravated me as this issue has never been a problem for me before.

 

Today Leigh and I went to the courthouse and got the certified divorce decree so that we could go to the DMVS and get my license changed into the name it should have been in from the very beginning. I now am who I say I am henceforth with no argument from anyone.

 

If you intend to be a parent do your child a favor and name it what you intend to call it. Do not pick some beautiful name and then use a nick-name that causes confusion for the remainder of his/her days. It was terrible for me, and I think my name is beautiful in its entirety, but being called Joyce never has been pleasant for me. My Mom and I just do not get along that well. I would never want my work as an artist or writer to appear without Jo Ann attached to it because that is who I am.

 

I am glad it is over, because frankly I have lived that nightmare long enough. I am now who I am and there will no longer be confusion about it. Thank God.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

I am thinking that it is really late to get an entry on here. However, I did have extenuating circumstances in this case. Last night I could not fall asleep because I am so stressed over my finances so I actually got some shut eye around 4:30AM. I woke up briefly and had a handful of pistachios around 9:30AM when the phone woke me from the sleep of the dead. I think the thing rang a hundred times before it woke me. I also believe the answering machine was malfunctioning. I went back to bed and did not rouse again until 1:00PM.

 

I had to take a shower, get dressed, pack a cooler since I go nowhere without soft drinks, grab my waiting room bag and get on the road so that I could stop for gas all before 1:50PM. I got the gas and barely made it to the office on time for my 3:00PM appointment with Brenda, my counselor. Today she ran late, so that my appointment started at 3:30PM, the client before me had an emergency. I was scheduled for a 3:45PM with Dr. Klopper, but I know that was unreasonable to even hope for, the man is always chronically late. I love him anyway, so I will wait, know that is the price I pay for a psychiatrist who understands me somewhat and I think in his way loves me too.

 

Brenda and I were in session a long time because she had lots to ask about what happened and why I am still manic. She even asked if I was using illegal substances. I would never do that, and know the blood and urine tests at the hospital had ruled it out, but since my episode was so out of character I guess she had to ask. We talked about how I am still in a hurry to talk without allowing myself sentence breaks. I rarely slow down for breath. I just want to convey everything at once. I set up another appointment for next Monday. We also discussed my finding a backup support alternative. This is to give another option for more frequent care. Everyone is concerned that even a week may be too long between sessions right now. I know I will be okay, but extra support is a safety net right now.

 

I waited until 5:45PM to see Dr. Klopper. He would not allow me to come off of any of the Depakote right now, but he lowered my Geodon back to my usual dose. Now I take 160mg Geodon and 1500mg Depakote at 8:00PM. The Depakote still seems awfully high to me, but my doctor says I might slip back into severe mania without the medicine right now. I will follow any orders he gives so long as I may stay out of the hospital. I do not wish to be inpatient again. I find it about untenable.

 

I did not get to leave the office until after 6:00PM because I had to schedule an appointment for Dr. Klopper on Monday of next week. The drive home was fine, I did really good driving today even though it had been almost two weeks since I had driven. I was a little nervous, but I always am when I am a little hyped up some way.

 

When I got home which was around 7:30PM I had to eat. I ate quite a lot before I stopped simply because I had not eaten much all day. I took my medicine and I had to make a phone call and take a phone call from Leigh who sometimes can talk me beyond the point I want to converse.

 

It has taken me a while to type this even though I wish I could type faster. I tend to believe typing will never become natural to me. I never have developed much aptitude for typing and do it poorly sometimes. When I am stressed it is very hard for me.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

I feel like changing my theme around right now because I just am not settled enough to stop being fidgety. I am unable to take care of the financial details in my life right now because the money is not appearing when and where it should in a timely manner. Right now I must avoid stress over a lot of issues which are crazy-making even on the best of days.

 

I am looking at a very long term recovery right now. Only by a month out will I be able to resume some of my normal activities and to be at the level where I am highly competent will be six months out. I just  know this by my own experience. When Dr. Klopper told me last night that he can not cut my medicine because I had a serious psychotic episode, I knew this was quite likely one of the most devastating things I have lived through.

 

I have been doing some soul searching and have come to some conclusions I would normally keep to myself, but this blog is therapy for me first and foremost. Anyone is welcome to read me anytime, but I do not censor myself here. What I say comes from my heart and soul. I love the friends I have made through this highly personal form of communication I engage in here. I realize that I will not always see things the same way as everyone, but here I come to just write for me.

 

I have been thinking about my view of my own Christianity and I am not even sure I can be classed as a Christian anymore. That has always been a basic premise of my life, I never failed to describe myself as a Christian. I love so many of the good things that I have learned from many world faith traditions and have a lot of views that find parallels elsewhere. I have read and studied the holy texts of many faiths and I have sat at the knees of some of the greatest teachers through reading widely. Some who feel judgmental in my own faith would now call me heathen and hell-bound. I honestly find it does not scare me so much anymore. Hell can not in all its fury, I think, be much worse than some parts of my life.

 

There are things that some Christians now continue to hold so dear as the basis of their total system of belief that I can no longer accept without question. I tend to have a mind that is never satisfied with the answer, that is just the way it is, so accept it and move along. I analyze things and tear them apart until I can rebuild them in a way that makes some modicum of sense to my twisted and intellectual brain. I must know why, to many a persons chagrin I have always been that way. Alex happens to be very like me in this.

 

Anyway, I do not any longer believe that the Holy Bible is infallible in the forms it has been passed down to us. I believe it is a guideline and to be interpreted by individuals with assistance from the Holy Spirit. I believe anyone who uses it to harass another person is using the scripture as an authority to cause abuse which would never be the intention of what I believe a manifest loving God.

 

I no longer believe that Christians have a wholesale right to believe that the Holy Spirit only regards them as worthy of His Providence. I believe all of us are part of the divine. I do not believe any person lives this life alone. We are all precious to the totality that surrounds each of us. I believe none of us is a stranger to Love. I think any person who tries to treat each other met in life with love and respect is living and manifesting the divinity of God.

 

I can not believe that a loving God would not allow such creatures as the dog who is part of my daily life an entrance to the holy city of Heaven. I definitely should not be allowed there if she in all her goodness is outcast. Some Christians who I dearly love believe because of an obscure passage in the Bible that no dogs will darken the gates of Heaven. I believe they will be present even if they should show up in their human form. I know this dog who lives in my home is a saint, I don’t doubt she knows God better than I do.

 

I really am bizarre in that I believe any creature in all creation can be converted to knowledge of God in whatever form we are willing to teach to them. I do believe that all things that live and breathe do so with an innate knowledge of the divine. I can not at this point think where in the Bible I have derived my faith in this statement and am not really up to going on a search for it. The thought runs along the lines that it says somewhere: Go and teach and preach the gospel to every creature. If my God had meant only mankind could recognize His goodness I think he would not left the ambiguity for my mind in its fallibleness to mistake His meaning.

 

I know that probably I am certifiably insane, but as long as I can think it will be a puzzle to me why all of us can not admit that we do not know everything and have so much in common that we should try never to harm one another.

 

Just where I dwell sometimes, like today. Maybe I should be back in the hospital, but I think I have learned a thing or two along this journey of mine called life.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

I will try to give you a glimpse into my mind while I was away from here. I was by the time I made the first entry you will read locked on a secure ward in a behavioral health facility. I do not like such places and avoid them assiduously. These entries are penned by hand on my own paper I had brought into my possession. I am almost always lucid even when freaked out of my mind. So here you have a idea of how I really see myself and a mental ward.

 

April 23, 2005

 

You may recall my last entry on the blog said bye. At my own best estimation things were getting worse slowly again and I had no idea how bad they might go in anger. The confusion had more manic qualities than I had ever experienced. I was by early hours this morning quite aware I might become capable of unintentionally hurting myself or another person. At any point my more paranoid schizophrenia broke out in the mania I was really dangerous. I was grateful to have hospital security on hand and be locked into my room in emergency area as I waited all night to see any doctor.

 

April 24, 2005

 

I did move into the facility I am now in yesterday around 5:00AM, most of the day I was awake. When I slept a while last evening it was the first sleep since 10:30AM on April 22. Late evening yesterday I finally saw my psychiatrist. God, I think could see we were both pissed. He was not pleased. I truly believe the office will be reorganized immediately.

 

This is one of the best places of its type in our area. I am receiving excellent care insofar as is necessary. Really staff can already see I’m better. I am glad to say I should be out soon.

 

I miss you guys on my blog so much. I am chilling enough to let myself do here by hand updates you will later be able to read. I miss being home and know Alex is sick. This is not the best of times for me to be away.

 

You all just really cannot realize how I miss my blog and all of you. That is one of the many worse things about this time. I wanted to avoid this any way I could. If I could just have seen my doctor or even talked to him I think much distress may have been avoided. He still has me on Geodon, but has prescribed Depakote instead of Zoloft. After a good sleep last night I feel much like myself.

 

Me and several others had staff open up a conference room and I am so glad I asked, because a few of us are sitting around doing things at the table each kinda together, but at the same time occupied our own way. The radio is running in the background. Being in-patient like much of my life otherwise can always be improved by my own best use of things and often as you all know I tend to be an instigator in a good kind of way. Now others are joining us as staff finds out what I started. I gotta say I am not so bad myself and really would work so giftedly in the mental-health field as an art therapist given a chance. I started all this and now nine of us and two nurses are gathered here.

 

Even here which is never where I like to be, I am so aware that things should always be looked at as miracles. I have seen it get to the point where dying would have been welcome and it never came near this time.

 

Up until now I had a room alone, but now have a roommate. Not my favorite thing about psych-wards. I will now be very glad to go home pronto. I do not like sharing space in reality with strangers. Especially where I sleep. Too much I cannot observe. This in all fairness has nothing to do with another person. I am not one to like anyone in a room overnight. I must know people.

 

Spoke to Dr. Klopper this evening. He says maybe tomorrow or Tuesday, I will leave here. That seems pretty good to me. Leigh came and brought stuff for me. My CD player and such. I still have to check it out, but that is okay. I love the music. I am listening to Dreamcatcher by Secret Garden. It is wonderful music to me. When you often hear of me listening to something soothing while sitting blogging it is some sort the same type sound.

 

I have taken a few short naps and woke up when made to do so a while ago by staff. I took a shower and it is now 11:30PM. I really intend to go to bed again soon.

 

~ That is the best of what I wrote while they held me prisoner. I became so belligerent when they would not let me out and the pen was making my hand so sore I do not think you would really appreciate much of the following entries in my paper journal notes. I do know I hate to be lied to about my release and have a great deal of enmity for anyone who robs me of what scant freedoms I enjoy. ~

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Day 11: Under the Rug

 

Journal Prompts and My Responses

 

Who has called you the most critical and dismissive names, and what were they?

 

My brother James has been very mean spirited with me and highly critical. He has called me:

• Short fat girl
• Disgusting
• Lower than Dog-shit
• Stupid
• Lazy
• Dumb
• Crazy
• Insane
• Old
• Ugly looking
• Uncaring
• Fraud
• Bitch
• Liar
• And I am sure there are more, but think that is enough negative for one sitting.

 

Who are you totally yourself with? Why?

 

My son Alex because:

• He loves me unconditionally
• He rarely criticizes me
• He likes to spend time with me
• He thinks I am intelligent
• He understands my attitudes
• He offers me constructive opinions
• He believes in me
• He accepts me as I am
• He thinks I am reasonably sane
• We have fun together
• If we argue we make up quickly
• He does not call me names
• He respects me for the most part

 

 

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

 

Five things for which I am grateful today

1. The fact I am home and not in the hospital
2. Mother seems to understand some of what I say to her about others in the family
3. Alex is not mad at me because I have not done everything I meant to recently
4. Alex enjoys my company even though he is a 16 year old
5. I really do have some friends through my computer and blog

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Right now i am gone to my I am asleep,
Jo Ann

I see in this entry that you want my opinion, JoAnn.

It sounds like you might be getting manic, with racing thoughts and inability to sleep. You need to call your doctor and get stabilized with medicine.

Ask for a ride to your psychiatrist or the emergency room for an evaluation.

Your friend, Reeking Havoc
Published By Reeking_Havoc (http://spaces.msn.com/members/reekinghavoc/) – April 22 4:20 AM