A poem:
Photographs of some journals:
I am grateful:
1. I went back to bed to rest.
2. I am feeling a little better than earlier.
3. We are reading in Joshua, and I am reminded of how awesome God is.
4. I have enough money to pay my Boost Mobile bill.
5. The cut on my finger was not so bad that it required stitches.
Happy Thursday, I hope you did some creating today.
Always,
Jo Ann
Journal entry and poem:
Photographs:
Decorative sign at Zaxby’s…
Another sign…
Malibu in parking lot…
Pansies…
Close up of pansies…
Another close up of pansies…
I am grateful:
1. Mom’s bone density test went well.
2. Lunch at Zaxby’s was delicious.
3. Mom liked the cup I bought her and it was a surprise even though she was with me.
4. The cleaning did not hurt much.
5. I only had two cavities.
I hope your Wednesday went well. Take a few moments to do something creative.
Always,
Jo Ann
This is something a little different. It is a bit of creative writing, maybe the beginning of a story. At least it is a scene:
Some pictures:
Squirrel in tree…
Daffodils…
Close up of Daffodils…
Squirrel…
Squirrel with nut…
Squirrel with nut…
Squirrel…
Daffodils…
Camellia and bud…
Hawk in flight…
I do not usually write stories, but I am quite good at beginnings. It is sustaining the tales in the middle that causes me vexation. I suppose practice would make it easier for me, but I tend to consider myself more a poet than prose writer.
I am grateful:
1. The chiropractor was able to give me a more intense adjustment because my muscles were not as tight as they have been.
2. I replaced the milk that was spilled.
3. We picked up Krystals for lunch.
4. Hope and I walked a mile.
5. We are moving through Leviticus in our Bible reading.
I hope you had a great Monday and nurtured your creative spark.
Always,
Jo Ann
I am thankful:
1. I made it through 2011, and accomplished much in the year.
2. Mom is doing fairly well.
3. I was able to get a new laptop, Wacom tablet, some artistic programs, and Office Professional 2010 for Christmas.
4. I have designated my old laptop for Mom’s use and she is learning to use it for playing games she enjoys.
5. I have lowered my reading goal for 2012 to encourage more creative pursuits.
6. I chose to do the Read The Bible For Life study with my Mom this year and she is enjoying it so far. I read all the material aloud to her and elaborate on the answers to the questions asked in the study.
7. I was able to pay my cell phone bill for this month and my car insurance.
8. We do not have any appointments in the coming week and our shopping is done for a few days. Maybe it will not be necessary to go to town until late in the week.
9. Winter has been mild and I have not even had to put on a heavy coat this year.
10. We were able to help Laura, my daughter-in-law, by giving her the mattress set from Alex’s room.
11. My dog, Hope, is a wonderful companion and very sweet.
12. The gift cards I was given for Christmas helped me survive December.
13. Jana gave me a Kindle gift card that I have not used yet.
14. Our Christmas and New Year meals were delicious.
15. I took all the library books back and am now reading books I own.
16. I have found some excellent resources on the internet for writing, art, and free eBooks.
17. I have adequate shelter, clothing, transportation, and nutrition.
18. God blessed me with intelligence and talent.
19. I have experienced love in my life.
20. I have survived the ravages of pain and hate.
I am enjoying my new computer a great deal and am so glad I can share the older one with my Mom. It gives her something that challenges her mind and keeps her entertained. I am hoping to use my new equipment to further my artistic endeavors this year as well as my writing. Cutting back on my reading goal should give me more time to use creatively. The only thing I lack now is inspiration and I am hoping that will be in ample supply. I have some books that should help with it.
I like doing the Bible study with my Mom. Her attention motivates me to do the daily readings. I probably would not do the study without her involvement. Making her happy makes me feel I am a success.
I have been watching the Republican debates and though I am not happy with everything President Obama has done, I do not see where any of these candidates would be a superior choice. I am afraid there is still a long process before our economy will recover and I do not think one man has the power to do all that is necessary to accomplish effective change. The people of our country can not make things better when they are so divided in their resolve. Working together is the only effective way to improve our nation’s problems.
If anyone is lonely and sad I highly recommend acquiring a puppy dog to provide companionship and lift the spirits. My sweet Shih Tzu, Hope, is a wonderful addition to my life. I do not think I would be nearly as happy without her presence.
I hope everyone has a wonderful year full of blessings and happiness. I encourage each one to take time to be thankful. Gratitude adds satisfaction to life.
Always,
Jo Ann
Why I Understand Struggle and Heartache
I read the stories of others and am reminded to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings I have.
I have Schizo-Affective Disorder, which is in simple terms a combination of Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar Disorder. My condition is debilitating and without medication, I am unable to function.
I was originally diagnosed as a severe Paranoid Schizophrenic in 1981. It was then believed I would never be more than a vegetable needing care for all my needs. Thanks to my parents, medical intervention, and a great deal of prayer I recovered enough to go to work and live normally. I continued to have breaks with reality because I was unable to afford regular medication and in those periods, I would become unable to work. Hallucinations and paranoid delusions make one unfit for the working world.
During one of the good periods, without medication, I became pregnant and gave birth to my wonderful son. His father did not want our marriage to continue and did not want a child. We returned to my parents’ home because the stress of the break-up caused me to breakdown.
When I recovered, I went to work and became manager of a convenience store working for Marathon Oil. I paid for Cigna health and disability insurance. I won many commendations for my accomplishments at work. I worked diligently and well for several years. Workers became undependable and scarce and I had to work eighteen-hour days to keep the store operational. I hardly slept or spent any time with my family. After months, I lost my grip on reality and had to stay home one day. My district manager fired me rather than allow me the sick days and vacation time I had earned. I lost my health and disability insurance. The disability insurance would have been paying me a comfortable wage all these years, but the company cheated me out of my earned benefits by unfair termination. I was too sick to fight for my rights. I was married at the time so my husband and family helped me regain my senses. I was a full-time homemaker, wife, and mother for some years.
My nephew and father died suddenly and the stress led to my having another breakdown. My husband was unable to deal with the pressure and divorced me. It was 1997 and I was finally forced to seek Social Security Disability benefits because I could not survive without the help. Even then, I lived with my Mom to avoid homelessness for my son and myself.
There have been three more significant breaks with reality in the intervening years. I eventually had to declare bankruptcy because I could not maintain the payments on my debt.
I managed to raise my son and he has become a United States Marine. I have become full-time caregiver for my Mom who has serious health problems including Parkinson’s disease, mini-strokes, and mild dementia.
I live on a Social Security Disability Income of $790 a month and a medically needy Medicaid benefit that helps pay some of my medical expenses. I contribute by caring for my Mom who would otherwise require full-time care.
I would enjoy a part-time job, but I would lose my Medicaid benefits and the stress might bring on another breakdown, so I remain unemployed.
I am very thankful to be able to write this today because there have been many times when I was unable to form cognizant sentences. I hope my words touch you and make you realize there are some who need government benefits to survive. I am doing my best and functioning at a high level, but this is a good moment. God willing things will continue well, but with a condition like mine, there are no guarantees.
This stranger sent me a message on Facebook and I sent him back a very frank reply. I thought some of you might get a laugh out of it. He never replied so I must have had his motives pretty well figured out.
His message follows:
“Hello Beautiful, how are u doing..My name is ******* am just checking on my facebook before,Came across your profile,Huh U look so beautiful and bearing the same name with my Late mother…if you don’t mind Let get to know each other, Are you married or single for now, Am a single funny man,We can be a good friend,my person Email ************ @*****.com hope to hear from you soon You are so Beautiful,
*******.”
My reply follows:
“I am very wary of people who contact me this way and I do not do personal email or chat with strangers. Compliments without more than seeing a little of my profile do not impress me. I know I am not particularly beautiful and tend to think that men who start out like that are after something from the beginning. If you would like to continue to message this way and see if I can come to trust you that is okay, if not, so sorry. I am single, but am not after a relationship. I have quite enough to keep me busy in life without trying to live up to some man’s expectations.
I almost ignored your message, but thought if you could weather my scathing reply that we might become friends. I do not do internet relationships other than friendships, just so we are clear from the outset.
Sincerely,
Jo Ann”
I am not adverse to becoming friends with people on the internet, but I have some doubts about messages like his. If someone wants to communicate with me it helps to use good language skills. If someone is careless about that, I think they are either not very intelligent or have very poor habits, and I find that very unattractive.
What do you think? Was I rude? Should I have been more kind? I would love to have your comments.
Always,
Jo Ann
Today started out promising to be a wonderful day. I got up at 8:00am, which is early for a Saturday morning. I had plans though so it was no problem. I got dressed in something a little bit special and put on make-up which I hardly ever wear. Mom knew where I was going, but Alex was left in the dark because he does not approve. It makes me nervous to hide things from Alex, but I cannot give up seeing this man because of him. At 9:00, I left the house. I drove with nothing on my mind except seeing my love. Traffic was moving well so I made it to our meeting place early. He was there waiting for me.
I was so happy to see him. It had been over a month since we last saw one another. Every time we meet is a stolen moment in time. I have to hide the time for which I live. We got out of our vehicles, hugged each other tight, and kissed hungrily. I told him that I loved him and he said the same to me. We got into his truck and left the parking lot. We conversed as we drove to his house. There is always so much I want to say and so little time to say it.
We got to the house and as usual, I felt it was a miracle just being there with him. We hugged and kissed passionately again. We spent the next hour and a half enjoying each other. He took some pictures of me for when I was not there to be with him with his new Nikon digital camera. He showed me some of the things he had ordered for me for the next time we are together. We told each other "I love you" several times.
We went out for lunch. The restaurant was busy and noisy so we could not talk much, plus his boss kept emailing him on his Blackberry while we were out. When we got in the truck his boss called him. The network was down at the office and he had to go in to fix a router. He is the network administrator and handles all the hardware at the office so he is on call at all times. Our time together was cut short. We shared a few more hugs and kisses and our regrets that we would not get to spend the rest of the day together. It is good that I don’t cry whenever I am sad or tears would have come when we parted with "I love you."
As I drove away, my heart was heavy. Being away from him is so hard when once we were so rarely separated. I only wish we could enjoy that level of intimacy again, but the time is not yet. When we are apart, I wonder if our time will ever come again. I know my love for him and know he loves me, but I do not know if he will be willing to gamble on us permanently once more. With my family so against him being a part of my life it is very hard. We do not have the luxury of a normal relationship seeing each other whenever we like. I cannot invite him to my house and I cannot stay with him overnight. However, if we make it through this I think our relationship will be stronger.
When I got back to my town, I stopped at Sam’s Club and looked around a bit. I am thinking about buying tax software so that I can file electronically since it looks like I might get quite a refund back. I hate to spend money on the software when I can fill out my own return, but I do not know how to file electronically without some sort of software. It seems like they would have a way to file electronically free for those of us who are poor.
I got home so early that my mother thought that something was wrong. She wanted to know if I was telling the truth when I told her what had happened. I had to explain it to her fully, and then she understood. I am so glad she decided she would keep my secret from Alex and my brother, James. I am afraid of both their reactions if they knew I was seeing my love again.
I just wish the part of the day I spent with my love had lasted longer, but I am grateful for the time we had together. Maybe next time we will get to share a whole day.
I read all the blogs on my lists. I have spent the evening trying to stay busy.
Smiles,
Jo Ann
I went to bed at 3:30AM and woke up at 11:45AM. I spent some time visiting my blog buddies. I am feeling sort of peaked today. Thank God I do not have a lot to accomplish, I already put the two loads of laundry in process. It looks so inviting outdoors that I may go for a walk in a bit. That usually gives my mood a boost.
I do have to finish reading the chapter for my counseling session tomorrow. It should not take too long.
I just dread doing the exercises. They involve visiting some memories I rather leave buried. I think maybe looking at them will be good, but at the same time avoidance feels more secure. I don’t really relish reliving the incidents.
Alex and Mom are occupied with their own tasks. I guess it is good, but I am a little hungry for a human connection today. Loneliness is dogging me somewhat. I will probably try to engage Alex in some conversation soon. Maybe he will talk about his stories. They are so great. I would like to post some of his work here. I have tried to encourage him to get a Space, but he says he would not be faithful to blogging. Other things to do.
I received emails from some of the men in my past this past week, not my ex-husbands but guys I had dated. I looked at the mails, but chose not to respond. I don’t need them, as they were not good for me. Responding would only have made me look needy, and I do not want that. I am independent and sufficient without these guys who really only used me and discarded me when they were through. I have a little pride.
Men are strange creatures sometimes, though I really do love them. They can be very confusing and indecisive. I thought it was supposed to be women that had a hard time making up their minds, but I have found this problem in several males. I think it maybe comes down to not being fully in touch with themselves and what they truly want. This can definitely lead me into indecisive behavior and I suppose it could be their cause too. After all, we are all human and subject to the same weaknesses.
I think that is all for now. I will come back in a bit.
TTYL,
Jo Ann
Well I finally figured out how to place the link to BlogShares on my blog. That was an experience. I was shocked to find out the value of my blog. The values of the other blogs I would like to buy into are astronomical. I will get started creating a portfolio on there though. That should be fun. I have not done much this afternoon and evening. Mostly I was dealing with the BlogShares thing. I learned a little about it all.
I fixed hot dogs for supper per Alex’s request. That was so easy compared to what I intended to cook.
I read a the introduction and most of chapter one in Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life. I have to do some worksheets so I am procrastinating about that. I will do it eventually, but just not now. I have this weird hang up where I will not write in any books so I have to copy the pages that require my input and I am inclined to leave that until later. I do not see my counselor until Monday so I have a little time in which to do it.
I am glad that today was a quiet day. I needed to relax a little. I probably have a lot of running to do next week. Tomorrow I have to do laundry. I meant to do it today and just did not get to it. Seems the computer monopolized my time.
I am seriously thinking about rejoining eHarmony, but it costs money, and I have precious little of that commodity. Too, my experience with the service in the past were not so good. The matches just were not the quality I was hoping for. I guess I expected men with jobs and a little spare money and that was not how it worked out. One guy I went out with invited Alex and I over to Alabama to spend the weekend with him. We went and that night the guy got really intoxicated and went upstairs and started a fight. He wound up with a gun and somehow he started talking abusively to me. The gun wound up in Alex’s hands pointed at the guy. The police showed up after the gun was out of the way. We got our stuff together and left. That made me a little leery of dating such matches, but I gave it one more shot and wound up with a guy who worked for the Atlanta Police Department. He and I dated for about six months, but I ended it when he continually refused to meet Alex and my Mom. He said he could not do that until he was sure the relationship was going to last, so I gave up. He subsequently lost his job because of a prior DUI. He still calls once in a while especially when he is highly intoxicated, but I have little use for the conversation. I think even though I have some definite problems that I deserve someone who respects me and makes an effort to be involved in my life. I am not looking for someone perfect just someone who is responsible and decent. I am tired of being taken advantage of by people and men in particular. I think it is reasonable to expect some courtesy when dating someone, even if you are not exactly "normal". What is "normal" anyway? I have value even though I am disabled, and if someone is blind to that then it is their loss. I accomplish some things that other people wish they could do, so I am not worthless. I struggle with feeling competent because I do not have a job and contribute to society, but I do things that must be done for my family, so I am not useless.
Mmm… I did not intend to get into self-justification. Sorry. I think I will come back later. Sunday comes soon.
Always,
Jo Ann
Chronicles 