This Day… And Poems and Prose

I was a very bad person today. I went to bed at 2:30AM and got up just long enough to cut the alarm off at 7:00AM. I did not take Alex to the bus and only got up when Mom called me at 11:00AM. Oh well, once in a while you have to be a jerk. On the upside I feel so rested. Good sleep.

 

If anyone has a suggestion for an alternate browser I should download to run as back up I would appreciate the information. My operating system is XP Professional actually it is XP Media Center 2005, but has all the functionality of Professional plus some nifty extras.

 

I posted some more links yesterday and this morning. By the way if any of you use MSN groups they changed the address again and don’t have a redirect set up yet. Sometimes MSN can be so aggravating. This morning I could not get to my group without all kinds of work. I think I will go complain somewhere… Torres sounds like a good candidate. I already have his link. See Other Blogs I Visit.

 

Mom is busy painting today. I had to help her with some angel eyes. Eyes can be difficult. She says she thinks knowing how to apply make-up makes me better at it. Mom does not wear make-up and ladies she has the most beautiful skin I have ever seen on a 75 year old. Guess that is why I go without paint most of the time. Her other secret is Olay beauty products. She has been using that stuff ever since I can remember.

 

I have some things I must do today, I have been procrastinating about some paperwork that is essential. I really do not want to transfer ownership of my life insurance to someone else, but if I keep it I lose some of my benefits this year and I can not afford to have that happen. Either transfer ownership or give the equity in the policy to the state for a death benefit and I hate that option too, because the equity continues to grow and I know they won’t use it all to bury me. Sucks having to depend on the government for anything. I would gladly tie it up so I could not touch the equity unless I was off disability, but that will not please the powers that be.

 

I wish someone would call me for an interview on some of the applications I have out there. I would really like some extra money. The thing is that no one wants someone with Schizophrenia (Schizo-Affective Disorder) working for them and that I have not been employed since 1995 when I was running my own magazine. I really believe that discrimination has to do with my not getting a job, because I am qualified for those positions I apply for, disability sucks.

 

I have some other poems for you, as often they are old ones, but hey maybe soon I will write some new ones. If you see my muse kindly send him home, I need him desperately. He has been MIA so long I have forgotten what he sounds like. Anyway, here are the poems:

 

Can You?

 

Can you take a moment

Out of all the haste

To put your thoughts

Forever on the page?

 

No one knows you

Without expression

That you aptly place

Your words, no waste.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

January 22, 2003

 

 

Honor America

 

Celebrate freedom beautiful angel

Soothe and bless us with your voice

Defend the bountiful equal opportunity

Of independence, hope, and true peace

Urge us to live in happiness together;

Bring paradise to us in a sweet dream.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

October 3, 2003

 

Cut Flower

 

My heart is like a flower

Carelessly cut down and left

Lying on the ground alone.

The noon sun shines down bright

Withering my tenderness

No crystal vase holds me

In prideful place to be seen,

Admired by loving eyes.

My heart is abandoned by

Even he who promised to

Hold me forevermore dear,

A flower cut down to die

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

July 28, 2000

 

Well you probably are ready to move on after that here is a piece that reflects on a place I have been able to move away from, finally. I am doing so much better now. It encapsulates my broken heartedness at the time:

 

I remember…

 

I remember when you once only yearned to hold me everyday. We were like one piece of the same thing. There was no separating us from one another because our love was deep, real, and reliable. Now you seem changed. Though I still feel so much for you, it seems you have found a different interest.

 

I remember once I was sure that I could accomplish anything upon which I set my heart. Those days are however long gone. I know that what I want will not come easily should it come at all. I still hope and pray, but my faith is weaker than a week ago.

 

I remember what? Nothing seems important enough to write. Yes, I remember, but of what use is my memory. Does anyone care? Not likely, that anyone beyond me wants the information and sometimes I do not even want to know myself.

 

I remember days I tried to make some difference in our world, but I accomplished little enough only to make me feel ashamed. Why not do something tangible that could be pointed at in the future and attributed to my prowess? Nothing stands out; nothing makes a change.

 

I remember but it does not matter. I am not worth the trouble of trying to make it right. I am just a stranger walking through the darkness of life’s night.

 

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Saturday, September 04, 2004

 

Okay, I will let you go for a while… gotta get that paperwork done though I dread it. Hope you have a marvelous day.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

I found out I am A Life Blogger Edited Post

I found out I am A Life Blogger

My blog is the story of my life – a living diary.

If it happens, I blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

Go to this Blog to find out what kind of Blogger you are: Dark Wine of Life.

I seriously am getting fed up with MSN’s antics. I have been trying to repost this entry for over an EIGhT hours because it showed up wrong and the Space is unavailable. Is anybody else having MSN problems?

I hate this!

On a good note my portfolio continues to grow on BlogShares. I am quite pleased.

I am reading through everyone’s blogs. At least I can still see them. Good stuff out there today.

Always,
Jo Ann

Trying Again…

I have been trying to post to my space for over eight hours now. I do not know what is wrong, but that is why you have not found any newer entries for me. I have closed MSN, reopened it, restarted the computer, reopened MSN, and none of it works in the least. I am about ready to give up. I fail to understand what is going on.

 

I can open my Space, open and entry window, copy my stuff into it hit post and it tells me Space Unavailable. I would curse but it would do no good.

 

I think I’ll try pasting a poem in here.

 

A View of Time

 

Immersed by the ocean

Of time’s onward flow

I travel to destinations

I only later begin to know.

 

Space eddies round me

Showing settings I recognize

As at least feasibly real

Though the patterns tease my eyes.

 

The waves of time

Flicker with the tide

Feeding me fresh memories

From when we traveled side by side

 

The shore seems close

Then further away again

For time’s ocean continues

Carrying me toward my end.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

March 13, 2003

 

Well, I am going to try one more time… I hope it works.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Penny… The Sweetest Dog In This Part Of The World…

Better Late Than Never…

I think this entry will be short because I have nothing really amusing or shocking to say tonight. I took my Geodon early this evening hoping I can get to sleep a little sooner. I will sit here until my eyes start closing on me.

 

I went to check on a shipment of books I ordered on February 28 and am awaiting a reply. The web site says it was shipped, but gives no date and it has not arrived so I am thinking it was lost in the mail somewhere. I hope whoever got my prepaid package is enjoying the books. This is not the first time I have had to follow up on something shipped to this address. My magazines regularly skip months. Not accusing, but I do wonder about our postal workers. As  many errors as seem to happen to me it makes one curious.

 

Are any of you receiving mail you never requested? I mean it has to be out there somewhere. The ether does not swallow my stuff whole, least I hope not… ( don’t think God would pick on me in that particular way… grin ) even if I am not getting it I hope someone is enjoying the fruit of my acquisition. No, I don’t want you to send your junk mail along to me or your bills, those seem to always find their way into my hands. It is just things I order that bypass me. I always put misdirected mail back in the box, but I wonder if everyone else does. It is annoying to watch for something constantly and never get it.

 

Well, I totally missed getting this on before the day switched on me. I guess that is what I get for having more than one thing on my mind.

 

I am tracking several stocks on BlogShares and got hung up over there. I know I know I am like totally addicted to this computer, but better it than some other things.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

A Story From My Past…

The story I was thinking about earlier was triggered by JNuts saying something about looking into the barrel of a loaded shotgun over on his blog.

 

In the mid eighties I lived in Chattanooga, Tennessee for a while. That is where Alex was born, but I digress. I was working for the Scott Fetzer Corporation which in case you are unfamiliar with the name sells Kirby vacuum cleaners. That’s right I sold Kirby’s door to door. For the most part this was a wonderful experience for me although the hours were long and the pay was not wonderful. I got to go into all kinds of people’s homes and talk to them. Sometimes it was a mansion and sometimes it was a little above a cardboard box. You never knew which would be the filthiest either. I honestly meet people all over North Georgia, Alabama, North and South Carolina, and portions of Tennessee who seem to recognize me, and I figure this has to do with working Kirby all those years ago. Kirby never failed to impress.

 

One day I knocked into a house on Sand Mountain, this was an average home. The wife invited me in and I did a portion of my demo routine. She loved the Kirby and was super nice. If you’ve ever seen one of the demonstrations you know at one point we go into the bedroom and show all the stuff you get out of the mattress. Well I was going through that what you pulled out was dead skin and dust mites and showing her the literature about it when her husband came home. This man was a little brusque when he came in and saw me and all the pads of dirt laying around, but I figured all was well when he left the room. Now this was kind of a tough looking fellow and in a couple of minutes he came back with a shotgun. He pointed the gun at me with his finger on the trigger and told me to get the hell out of his house. The wife told him to calm down, but he continued to hold the gun on me. Knowing that you never point a gun on someone unless you are prepared to use it I was understandably shaken. I gathered up all the Kirby parts which are numerous, and hurried out of the house. I swear I stood in the driveway with him pointing that weapon at me while waiting for my supervisor to return with the van. She dressed me down for leaving the house. I told her that the man was still standing in the doorway with a shotgun pointed at me if she wanted to talk to him. She of course looked up and declined. I became a legend in the Kirby office. I think that was the most forceful eviction anybody there ever experienced. I did not like to go into houses on Sand Mountain after that day. Some of those people are real hillbillies up there.

 

I can honestly say looking into the barrel of a loaded gun makes your blood run cold. I love to shoot, but I am a little uncomfortable when anyone else has a weapon in their hands. I have looked into one of those cold pieces of steel enough times to never have to do it again.

 

Well, that is all for now.

 

Always,

Jo Ann

Back From Town with Goodies…

We returned home from town with the spoils of a raid on Borders, the library, and we did the other chores as well. Mom used her gift card to buy me the following items:

 

Mythology The Illustrated Anthology of World Myth And Storytelling edited by: C. Scott Littleton

From Storebought to Homemade  Secrets for cooking easy, fabulous food in minutes by: Emyl Jenkins

A little heart-shaped note pad

A book mark that says: A Journey Of A Thousand Miles Began With A Single Step. – Confucius

 

From the library I bought the following for $1.00 a piece:

 

Healing Grief  Reclaiming Life After Any Loss by: James Van Praagh

Lectio Divina  Renewing the Ancient Practice of Praying the Scriptures by: M. Basil Pennington

The Sky Is Falling by: Sidney Sheldon

Places I Never Meant to Be edited and with an introduction by: Judy Blume  Original Stories by Censored Writers

2003 Edition V.I.P. Address Book More than 28,000 addresses of the powerful, famous and influential Edited by: James M. Wiggins, Ph.D.

 

Plus I borrowed the following titles:

 

The Torah

The Dragons of Expectation  Reality and Delusion in the Course of History by: Robert Conquest

Judaism  History, Belief and Practice by: Dan Cohn-Sherbok

The Gift of Change Spiritual Guidance for a Radically New Life by: Marianne Williamson

Unattended Sorrow  Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart by: Stephen Levine

The Daily Drucker  366 Days of Insight and Motivation for Getting the Right Things Done by: Peter F. Drucker with Joseph A. Maciariello

A Tale of Love and Darkness  a memoir by: Amos Oz

Blink  The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by: Malcolm Gladwell

Peace Is the Way by: Deepak Chopra

When Jesus Came To Harvard  Making Moral Choices Today by: Harvey Cox

Mad Mary Lamb  Lunacy and Murder in Literary London by: Susan Tyler Hitchcock

 

There are more but those are the highlights, and all these are "new books" the only kind I ever read. So I have to choose something to start. I know it is crazy to have this many books to choose from at once, but I am very eclectic and promiscuous in my reading tastes. Right now I have several books going at once.

 

We ate pizza at Sbarro in the mall. I bought Mom a chocolate ice cream and myself a cookies and cream one. You should have seen her face with ice cream all over it. I wish I had had the camera with me.

 

I thought of a story to tell you all later. I made notes at the mall, so I would remember it.

 

Well, I could not get into my space for a while there. Evidently the server was malfunctioning yet again.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

We’re Off To Town

Went to bed at 2:30AM and rose briefly at about 7:10AM to turn the alarm off. I lay back down and did not take Alex to the bus. Mom took him, I woke up at 7:45AM and soon after got a shower. I am sleepy, but am staying up. There are things I need to get done.

 

I checked in on BlogShares and thankfully things look better this morning. I bought some more stock in several different blogs. I have this thing with these kind of games, years ago in like 1991 I bought a game that was stock market stuff and I played it constantly. Such things fascinate me. Does not take much to entertain me.

 

I am going into town a while. Business to which I must attend. Mom is anxious for the rent so I must cash a check and give her my money. The books are due at the library so I must stop by there and renew some items. Mom wants to pay her insurance so we will stop by the agent. She also has some gift cards at Borders so we may stop by there. I think she will probably give me at least one of the $25.00 cards, so that will be nice. We will have lunch too, not sure where we will eat, she says she does not want to choose so I must pick. I am not really hungry for any special thing so the choice will be difficult.

 

I added a few more links on here. I hope to put some more of the books I read last year on later. I just have not been dedicated to that because frankly I do not remember much about some of the books. Seems when you read so many as I did last year that some get lost in the mix.

 

Well, I better get going. Thank you all for being so kind. I’ll write more when I get home.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

My losses…

Well, I read my way around everyone’s blogs, there is a lot going on out there today.

 

I did some trading on BlogShares, and unfortunately I am less wealthy than when I started out today. I guess it is a good thing I don’t own real stock to speculate in. It is almost depressing just as a pretend thing.

 

I think there are some super people on the other sides of these computers.

 

I do not have enough time to write much right now, so I will just wish you all a wonderful night and a pleasant Tuesday.

 

TTYL,

Jo Ann

My Personal Battle

I have been busy. Today has brought up some things I need to express so bear with me. I went to bed at 2:30AM and woke at 7:00AM. I took Alex to the bus and came back to bed until 9:30AM which means I slept through the alarm for thirty minutes… I keep forgetting to get a new alarm.

 

I left the house at about 10:00AM and drove a more reasonable speed than usual so I only made it a few minutes early to my 11:00AM appointment with my counselor. I had not finished the worksheet so I tried to complete it in the waiting room, but did not finish.

 

I admitted to my counselor that I had read all the assigned pages, but had not completed the worksheet. She was very understanding. I did explain to her that I was resistant to exploring my past feelings because I am a little depressed right now and looking back on what I feel were better times might drive me deeper into that state. We also discussed my habit of procrastination and my perfectionism. These things block me from action at times. I am working on them but discussing them helps clarify why I do this self-defeating behavior.

 

Then I brought up how all that links to my personal demon, my inner critic. I struggle with this hellacious part of myself constantly. This morning I looked in the mirror and was attacked by the thoughts that I am fat, ugly, disgusting, incompetent, poorly dressed and groomed, patently inferior, and basically useless. Plus some more truly scathing adjectives. My counselor said that was a lot of venom to have thrown at oneself when looking in the mirror. She asked how I dealt with it. I replied not nearly as well as I would like, but I told the bitch to shut up. I then told myself that I was okay, and went on to face the day.

 

Since this critical part of myself is so destructive we discussed it at length. I went on to talk about the nagging I get when I try to do anything creative, like write this blog or do something artistic. I have to exert a great deal of energy to create anything, because the self-talk is you can not write, you are not an artist nor writer, no one is interested in your thoughts or vision, you are stupid, you can not do anything right, you think that is a sentence, you can not even think of the right word, that is not a picture a two year old could do better than that. This goes on consistently while I continue to press out words or images. My counselor asked what I do to counter it and I again said I send the critic to the corner and tell her to shut her mouth and I tell myself that I do have something to say, I am a creative person, and I am a writer and an artist. I just need to create. The will to do this consumes a lot of power. Sometimes I feel exhausted when I get done, but I refuse to quit. Maybe one day the demon will be banished or at least I can duct tape its nasty mouth shut and close the door on it. Writing about it makes it seem smaller and less threatening, though of course I am not sure I should post this.

 

I have a poem I wrote about this horrible creature a while ago:

 

The Critic

 

I wrote some words

Upon the empty page;

Looked at them

For what seemed an age.

 

Then my mind

Filled with rancid hate

For what I had written

Was only second rate.

 

How could I be

So deadly blind

To criticize my voice

And be so unkind?

 

Now the gentle words

Have ceased to flow

And this hurtful block

Continues to daily grow.

 

Jo Ann Joyce Anita Jordan

© September 24, 2002

 

I think that sums it up pretty well and explains why my creative block is so entrenched. I am working on it, chipping away at it, but it is hard work.

 

I thank you all for reading and encouraging me to keep up the fight. This Thursday will mark the third month that I have written something here every day. That is an accomplishment for me, because I have not worked creatively that constantly in a long time.

 

I hope you are having a wonderful Monday. If you have one of these infernal critics I encourage you to shut it up and do what you really want to do, whatever that may be.

 

Always,

Jo Ann