The List

My 101 things

 

  1. I was born in Peach County, Georgia
  2. My eyes are hazel, shifting from blue to green with my moods
  3. I learned to read and write by age three
  4. My first poems in collection were in many colors because I used colored pencils
  5. I had to use a first grade pencil in fifth grade because my handwriting had become so minute it required a magnifying glass for the teacher to read it
  6. I have been told I do not write my signature, I draw it
  7. I am a highly progressive Christian
  8. I am so liberal politically I am not sure I belong in any party
  9. The first serious lover of mine tried to shoot me at age thirteen by playing Russian roulette with a loaded pistol pointed at my head
  10. I love guns, but can not buy them myself due to my hospitalizations
  11. My Dad always told me that he was trying to teach me when he abused me
  12. I do not hate my Dad, he was sick and misguided, but I love him
  13. My first husband almost killed me, sometimes I still wonder what would happen if we met again
  14. My second husband is still a good friend of mine even though he does not see our son Alex as he should nor give any extra toward support
  15. My third husband said "Good-bye" so I have allowed him the freedom to move on without interference from me
  16. Jeff actually managed to break my heart completely, but I am surviving
  17. I will forgive anyone anything against me
  18. I can become highly volatile when angry
  19. I defend my mother and son like a lioness
  20. I love to collect things
  21. I have too many ink pens
  22. I read like books are on the endangered list
  23. I am a technology geek
  24. Even when life tries to take everything from me I refuse to give up
  25. Challenges make life interesting
  26. Change happens, I roll with it or it sweeps me away
  27. We have not had a vacation in ten years like Alex and I truly enjoy
  28. I really feel inadequate as a parent and a person
  29. My disease is a huge obstacle but I try to remember it could be much worse
  30. God is good and in control
  31. Blogging is amazing because I have made friends here just being myself
  32. I am too fat and will probably never be as thin as I would like
  33. Perfectionism does not begin to describe the standard to which I hold myself
  34. If survival of the fittest applied to all human beings in our society I would be dead by now
  35. If we lived in less enlightened times I would be considered demonic or totally deranged and would live my life sequestered from "normal" people
  36. I love the Rolling Stones
  37. Mick Jagger is one of the greatest showmen on earth even if he is getting somewhat older
  38. When I am angry I love to listen to Quiet Riot Mental Health loud
  39. Likewise I rock out to AC~DC when angry
  40. Music is a mood stabilizer for me
  41. I can not take illegal drugs so I use subversive music as an alternative
  42. I love to jump on the trampoline when I need to self-medicate
  43. I have a truly addictive personality and may become attached to anything
  44. Caring for others often comes in precedence to caring for my own needs
  45. I tend to be a deep thinker, but am not very rational
  46. My heart, feelings, and emotions rule my life
  47. If I believe you love me I will do literally anything for you
  48. Some think I trust too much and am naïve
  49. To my knowledge I hate no one living or dead
  50. I will never forget how you hurt me even though I will readily forgive you, this is to protect me from future abuse
  51. My son is one of the greatest people to ever grace this blue green planet and I believe one day many will know it
  52. Hot showers are a luxury I almost never go without
  53. I like fine scented soaps
  54. I will put health and dental care at a low priority so that I may have other things I enjoy
  55. My threshold for pain is very high
  56. Red, white, and black are my favorite colors
  57. My best nickname ever was "Gorgeous"
  58. Black and white is not my way of looking at life, there seem to me many shades of gray
  59. If I were an animal I would be a solid black Arabian mare
  60. Given more money I would try to do more good for others in the world
  61. No one should live one step away from poverty everyday
  62. I believe peace is attainable if we just look inside ourselves and act from love
  63. When things flow for me creatively all my poetry is done in one draft no corrections
  64. I am self-taught, education never helped much, my drive and hunger for learning is insatiable
  65. My libido is unlimited sexually, I come near being a nymphomaniac
  66. I will try anything that will not kill me, nothing scares me
  67. Sexually I am totally uninhibited
  68. I am addicted to Diet Coke in both regular and Caffeine Free varieties
  69. I only eat my steak medium rare or rarer, otherwise I send it back or do not enjoy it
  70. Bacardi 151 is my favorite liquor mixed with Diet Coke or in a Pina Colada
  71. I freely admit to liking my men tall and handsome and longer appendages are a plus
  72. I never knowingly plagiarize because I expect my own copyright to be respected
  73. I was a horticultural technician for sometime, but I never get plants of my own
  74. Once I had a photographic memory, now I do good to keep a plot more than a week in my head
  75. I have a hard time believing I have the ability to achieve anything
  76. I do love the people who consider me their own enemies
  77. I think if I had money to invest in the stock market quite probably I would easily become wealthy I have some sort of gift for it
  78. I have turned down some offers in my lifetime that would have probably changed everything in my life just because I had low self-esteem
  79. Computers are now approaching the abilities I imagined for them when I learned there were such things in elementary school
  80. I believe the work of Robert Heinlein is pure genius
  81. Lazarus Long is one of the great heroes of literature
  82. Part of my problem with living is that I am too creative, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and unbounded to live within any sort of structure
  83. I burn bright like one who to tries to illuminate the whole world
  84. I would never be surprised to find I woke up after dying as a suicide, not something I relish, but something I realize happens to many others like me
  85. I am fragile, yet I am very strong, I survive
  86. Relentless could describe me
  87. Some people have called me a very good actress, I probably could make money in the profession if I was not so fat and unsightly
  88. I lettered in chorus three years in high school… could have been four, but I graduated early
  89. My church begs me to be in choir when I will go to church
  90. Organized religion is not my favorite game, too many hypocrites and judges, I think we all do well to remember we are each a sinner
  91. I will talk to and try to become friends with anyone if I am not too shy to interact at the time
  92. As best I can be I am honest with everyone
  93. Most people either love me or hate me, I tend to evoke strong emotion
  94. All three my ex-husbands still admit they love me very deeply, they just find living with me too difficult and call me high maintenance
  95. I have never slept with anyone who did not find it one of the sexual high points of his experience, I give my whole soul when I make love
  96. I almost never sleep behind a closed door or without a light in a nearby room when I am alone, I am afraid of being trapped and somewhat of the dark
  97. Scented candles are divine as a sensual pleasure
  98. Getting pregnant with Alex was a total shock as I had been reasonably active sexually from age thirteen with no real regular use of birth control, I was twenty-four and unwilling to abort what might be my only chance of having a child, so I fought for my babe from the moment I learned of his existence
  99. I actually see my disease as a gift at times because it is part of what makes me so unique, not too many can claim to be so deranged and still function within any normalcy
  100. Love is the principle purpose of all my life
  101. I hope when I die I am remembered fondly and with a big party instead of a dreary funeral

Busy Day…

I am thinking that it is really late to get an entry on here. However, I did have extenuating circumstances in this case. Last night I could not fall asleep because I am so stressed over my finances so I actually got some shut eye around 4:30AM. I woke up briefly and had a handful of pistachios around 9:30AM when the phone woke me from the sleep of the dead. I think the thing rang a hundred times before it woke me. I also believe the answering machine was malfunctioning. I went back to bed and did not rouse again until 1:00PM.

 

I had to take a shower, get dressed, pack a cooler since I go nowhere without soft drinks, grab my waiting room bag and get on the road so that I could stop for gas all before 1:50PM. I got the gas and barely made it to the office on time for my 3:00PM appointment with Brenda, my counselor. Today she ran late, so that my appointment started at 3:30PM, the client before me had an emergency. I was scheduled for a 3:45PM with Dr. Klopper, but I know that was unreasonable to even hope for, the man is always chronically late. I love him anyway, so I will wait, know that is the price I pay for a psychiatrist who understands me somewhat and I think in his way loves me too.

 

Brenda and I were in session a long time because she had lots to ask about what happened and why I am still manic. She even asked if I was using illegal substances. I would never do that, and know the blood and urine tests at the hospital had ruled it out, but since my episode was so out of character I guess she had to ask. We talked about how I am still in a hurry to talk without allowing myself sentence breaks. I rarely slow down for breath. I just want to convey everything at once. I set up another appointment for next Monday. We also discussed my finding a backup support alternative. This is to give another option for more frequent care. Everyone is concerned that even a week may be too long between sessions right now. I know I will be okay, but extra support is a safety net right now.

 

I waited until 5:45PM to see Dr. Klopper. He would not allow me to come off of any of the Depakote right now, but he lowered my Geodon back to my usual dose. Now I take 160mg Geodon and 1500mg Depakote at 8:00PM. The Depakote still seems awfully high to me, but my doctor says I might slip back into severe mania without the medicine right now. I will follow any orders he gives so long as I may stay out of the hospital. I do not wish to be inpatient again. I find it about untenable.

 

I did not get to leave the office until after 6:00PM because I had to schedule an appointment for Dr. Klopper on Monday of next week. The drive home was fine, I did really good driving today even though it had been almost two weeks since I had driven. I was a little nervous, but I always am when I am a little hyped up some way.

 

When I got home which was around 7:30PM I had to eat. I ate quite a lot before I stopped simply because I had not eaten much all day. I took my medicine and I had to make a phone call and take a phone call from Leigh who sometimes can talk me beyond the point I want to converse.

 

It has taken me a while to type this even though I wish I could type faster. I tend to believe typing will never become natural to me. I never have developed much aptitude for typing and do it poorly sometimes. When I am stressed it is very hard for me.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Musings on Who or What I Am…

I feel like changing my theme around right now because I just am not settled enough to stop being fidgety. I am unable to take care of the financial details in my life right now because the money is not appearing when and where it should in a timely manner. Right now I must avoid stress over a lot of issues which are crazy-making even on the best of days.

 

I am looking at a very long term recovery right now. Only by a month out will I be able to resume some of my normal activities and to be at the level where I am highly competent will be six months out. I just  know this by my own experience. When Dr. Klopper told me last night that he can not cut my medicine because I had a serious psychotic episode, I knew this was quite likely one of the most devastating things I have lived through.

 

I have been doing some soul searching and have come to some conclusions I would normally keep to myself, but this blog is therapy for me first and foremost. Anyone is welcome to read me anytime, but I do not censor myself here. What I say comes from my heart and soul. I love the friends I have made through this highly personal form of communication I engage in here. I realize that I will not always see things the same way as everyone, but here I come to just write for me.

 

I have been thinking about my view of my own Christianity and I am not even sure I can be classed as a Christian anymore. That has always been a basic premise of my life, I never failed to describe myself as a Christian. I love so many of the good things that I have learned from many world faith traditions and have a lot of views that find parallels elsewhere. I have read and studied the holy texts of many faiths and I have sat at the knees of some of the greatest teachers through reading widely. Some who feel judgmental in my own faith would now call me heathen and hell-bound. I honestly find it does not scare me so much anymore. Hell can not in all its fury, I think, be much worse than some parts of my life.

 

There are things that some Christians now continue to hold so dear as the basis of their total system of belief that I can no longer accept without question. I tend to have a mind that is never satisfied with the answer, that is just the way it is, so accept it and move along. I analyze things and tear them apart until I can rebuild them in a way that makes some modicum of sense to my twisted and intellectual brain. I must know why, to many a persons chagrin I have always been that way. Alex happens to be very like me in this.

 

Anyway, I do not any longer believe that the Holy Bible is infallible in the forms it has been passed down to us. I believe it is a guideline and to be interpreted by individuals with assistance from the Holy Spirit. I believe anyone who uses it to harass another person is using the scripture as an authority to cause abuse which would never be the intention of what I believe a manifest loving God.

 

I no longer believe that Christians have a wholesale right to believe that the Holy Spirit only regards them as worthy of His Providence. I believe all of us are part of the divine. I do not believe any person lives this life alone. We are all precious to the totality that surrounds each of us. I believe none of us is a stranger to Love. I think any person who tries to treat each other met in life with love and respect is living and manifesting the divinity of God.

 

I can not believe that a loving God would not allow such creatures as the dog who is part of my daily life an entrance to the holy city of Heaven. I definitely should not be allowed there if she in all her goodness is outcast. Some Christians who I dearly love believe because of an obscure passage in the Bible that no dogs will darken the gates of Heaven. I believe they will be present even if they should show up in their human form. I know this dog who lives in my home is a saint, I don’t doubt she knows God better than I do.

 

I really am bizarre in that I believe any creature in all creation can be converted to knowledge of God in whatever form we are willing to teach to them. I do believe that all things that live and breathe do so with an innate knowledge of the divine. I can not at this point think where in the Bible I have derived my faith in this statement and am not really up to going on a search for it. The thought runs along the lines that it says somewhere: Go and teach and preach the gospel to every creature. If my God had meant only mankind could recognize His goodness I think he would not left the ambiguity for my mind in its fallibleness to mistake His meaning.

 

I know that probably I am certifiably insane, but as long as I can think it will be a puzzle to me why all of us can not admit that we do not know everything and have so much in common that we should try never to harm one another.

 

Just where I dwell sometimes, like today. Maybe I should be back in the hospital, but I think I have learned a thing or two along this journey of mine called life.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

Blogging From Behind Locked Doors

I will try to give you a glimpse into my mind while I was away from here. I was by the time I made the first entry you will read locked on a secure ward in a behavioral health facility. I do not like such places and avoid them assiduously. These entries are penned by hand on my own paper I had brought into my possession. I am almost always lucid even when freaked out of my mind. So here you have a idea of how I really see myself and a mental ward.

 

April 23, 2005

 

You may recall my last entry on the blog said bye. At my own best estimation things were getting worse slowly again and I had no idea how bad they might go in anger. The confusion had more manic qualities than I had ever experienced. I was by early hours this morning quite aware I might become capable of unintentionally hurting myself or another person. At any point my more paranoid schizophrenia broke out in the mania I was really dangerous. I was grateful to have hospital security on hand and be locked into my room in emergency area as I waited all night to see any doctor.

 

April 24, 2005

 

I did move into the facility I am now in yesterday around 5:00AM, most of the day I was awake. When I slept a while last evening it was the first sleep since 10:30AM on April 22. Late evening yesterday I finally saw my psychiatrist. God, I think could see we were both pissed. He was not pleased. I truly believe the office will be reorganized immediately.

 

This is one of the best places of its type in our area. I am receiving excellent care insofar as is necessary. Really staff can already see I’m better. I am glad to say I should be out soon.

 

I miss you guys on my blog so much. I am chilling enough to let myself do here by hand updates you will later be able to read. I miss being home and know Alex is sick. This is not the best of times for me to be away.

 

You all just really cannot realize how I miss my blog and all of you. That is one of the many worse things about this time. I wanted to avoid this any way I could. If I could just have seen my doctor or even talked to him I think much distress may have been avoided. He still has me on Geodon, but has prescribed Depakote instead of Zoloft. After a good sleep last night I feel much like myself.

 

Me and several others had staff open up a conference room and I am so glad I asked, because a few of us are sitting around doing things at the table each kinda together, but at the same time occupied our own way. The radio is running in the background. Being in-patient like much of my life otherwise can always be improved by my own best use of things and often as you all know I tend to be an instigator in a good kind of way. Now others are joining us as staff finds out what I started. I gotta say I am not so bad myself and really would work so giftedly in the mental-health field as an art therapist given a chance. I started all this and now nine of us and two nurses are gathered here.

 

Even here which is never where I like to be, I am so aware that things should always be looked at as miracles. I have seen it get to the point where dying would have been welcome and it never came near this time.

 

Up until now I had a room alone, but now have a roommate. Not my favorite thing about psych-wards. I will now be very glad to go home pronto. I do not like sharing space in reality with strangers. Especially where I sleep. Too much I cannot observe. This in all fairness has nothing to do with another person. I am not one to like anyone in a room overnight. I must know people.

 

Spoke to Dr. Klopper this evening. He says maybe tomorrow or Tuesday, I will leave here. That seems pretty good to me. Leigh came and brought stuff for me. My CD player and such. I still have to check it out, but that is okay. I love the music. I am listening to Dreamcatcher by Secret Garden. It is wonderful music to me. When you often hear of me listening to something soothing while sitting blogging it is some sort the same type sound.

 

I have taken a few short naps and woke up when made to do so a while ago by staff. I took a shower and it is now 11:30PM. I really intend to go to bed again soon.

 

~ That is the best of what I wrote while they held me prisoner. I became so belligerent when they would not let me out and the pen was making my hand so sore I do not think you would really appreciate much of the following entries in my paper journal notes. I do know I hate to be lied to about my release and have a great deal of enmity for anyone who robs me of what scant freedoms I enjoy. ~

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

40 Days and 40 Nights Again…

Day 11: Under the Rug

 

Journal Prompts and My Responses

 

Who has called you the most critical and dismissive names, and what were they?

 

My brother James has been very mean spirited with me and highly critical. He has called me:

  • Short fat girl
  • Disgusting
  • Lower than Dog-shit
  • Stupid
  • Lazy
  • Dumb
  • Crazy
  • Insane
  • Old
  • Ugly looking
  • Uncaring
  • Fraud
  • Bitch
  • Liar
  • And I am sure there are more, but think that is enough negative for one sitting.

 

Who are you totally yourself with? Why?

 

My son Alex because:

  • He loves me unconditionally
  • He rarely criticizes me
  • He likes to spend time with me
  • He thinks I am intelligent
  • He understands my attitudes
  • He offers me constructive opinions
  • He believes in me
  • He accepts me as I am
  • He thinks I am reasonably sane
  • We have fun together
  • If we argue we make up quickly
  • He does not call me names
  • He respects me for the most part

 

 

Moodlings… On The Simple Abundance Companion

 

Five things for which I am grateful today

  1. The fact I am home and not in the hospital
  2. Mother seems to understand some of what I say to her about others in the family
  3. Alex is not mad at me because I have not done everything I meant to recently
  4. Alex enjoys my company even though he is a 16 year old
  5. I really do have some friends through my computer and blog

I am posting some older material here…

Belief in Love

 

Everyone is running around these days

Giving love a bad name.

Some people have gotten shallow,

Reasoning the institution is to blame.

 

Do not believe the lies.

True love still exists;

Only it takes effort to make it last

Amidst so much delusion and pain.

 

Love shines out strong and bright

For those who in the darkness look for its light;

Giving voice to their feelings

Letting love show through their daily lives.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan 

I Think You Might Want To Know…

I want to let all of you know that I am home. I got here on late Friday afternoon. I would have been on my own blog to let you know earlier, but I have run into some small glitches resuming my life here at home. Please understand that I will get more information to each of you who cares so much as I can. I am not back to full strength even now, but I am much better. I expect to be back fully to myself by Monday, if I just take it easy. Your thoughts and prayers have meant a lot to me and I am so glad to have such wonderful friends.

 

Love to all,

Jo Ann

The Son

This is Alex Mountz, the son. I am writing this entry to thank you all for your help and attention in these matters. A sheriff was contacted by one of you- THANK YOU. It was comforting to know that all of you were involved in this. My grandmother and I are going to take Jo Ann to the hospital to make sure she is taken care of. I have had to deal with these sort of situations before and I am very capable of taking care of them. Rest assured that I will make sure that she is taken care of, or if I can not, I will find someone who ca.

PS- All 16 year olds aren’t bad. I’m one.

I am moving back into my normal state as quickly as I may. This Time I am finally up. I will call the doctor check with Doctor today, but I am in NO WAY out my mind. I know ME VERY WELL. Please Don’t Worry SO MUCH.

Now you who is pretty much you is the two I idea about had are you I just you I have Alex I have I am qualified and know who well enough of things and almost have the of the you is and sholuld if it was my first time of you both in only in but not all I have admitted you, most likely the the I talking and if you both even in this have even the you have of who Pariah is least likely a jerk only of my sex of, of a jerk than he is are most on someone ilks in, in my exactly as honest did way all of you in all but some way is did in my best type of in his own what is thought of a complete all both ways you try have more than you and I most that way to come to my blog and as I tell you more I a reason is and she I both like she is a closet love is of love of the most others who do her a big favor of nurses every is both will now a lover my blog for is you in any or my most cynical who was as just much relieved as who as good as who is as limited I even most of know where I very much is as have a clue my is not as dumb of type to anyone is when how the most only a dog isquite even in my very now sick a stanger will not ofbest of her is feild is now of one this is Miss Cookie Pussy is the bet I in her most in anyone I have in her own best in most as counselors in which is one as I as I EVEN one person I is as am in now of I if one my who is for her one as is a new RN as well couple who is even too know how like is capable like I am in way too intelligent in if is of any as in a little too now you and she is almost had to call me without a doubt last night again I am in somewhat I her thoughts seem I like limit is normal to you and most of is any of the see most as is know of her to derive all I most to in her is the in a believe it is of her quality now a most normal a person right of in unlimited respect as you I am like in her intelligence in anybody what in you and I her is like her I of her is both more in me I tell of power the influence the most of have either to both probably of love and is I know in many lack find one of you both of in your case anyone she acting in that is authority in those feilds like me if I most everything but the most tragic misunderstand under I was her mostly her goodwill her most apparently Chistian honest quite slighty few the good I any good person is who only grasp of I yet of who read limited own damn reason for her for I of somone one now can in pleasantly can is why to most three of amazed people in of her capacity in a while for her in even bizarre way you done is like to you have in who limited in now what normal you are only her not who knows quite of my blown of vast portion in any his limited most of to have know is getting not a little hold displaying to most of her worried in her a person of her the most unlike any we both is quite a well person her in regard as what you unlike any tried who her little too give quite of by our best of his of of those benign of her grasp still itbecame very people of all his weird reasons in tihis oflikemy respect to you could lack of me byhis own in quite a few of the likely well of done in it I with I one the most of your even talent if you of in of your quite a lot your conception of I best of saints of my truly take of if I dubious now one in ourwhere today credit i not so information in my in opinion of many to here none these you may on in almost on his like is that some kind at why currently to who I in that some even of to her jerk at as her I hint we are today of my best good at as of her best least a credit to best he was her of in her a reference to my best of all qualities to one republican a can of her hold own of is to likely her mos tof it on her most democrats a most of my if like in allwith it are apparent innocent in my most current of his his like it if she knew few best of best I have judge of innocent in regard best know of of knowing of his most curiosity I in a saints in traits so manifest displeasure is in to who in strange quite who in your is to like in me in you both of in her apparently little in a own damn way of any to her is one of know of his likely to know way of her likely mess like of in awe in his person of a jerk to quite my seeing in significent in people a and of in this unlike nearly you or not now now is, is a and way in quite bad way as good now in my in my best in the in lays it you in their complete self as in their do you by very in my slow in there you would me in in would somewhat better you am in and in so in this and is how this great. Some else as you and by movies the the the way you, you in in a good way of new in my in think you best as telling one in this iu any of a miracle they in fat detail fact I indeed of how you of in my in fact not the reason feat in in some of you the you now my life in in my everyone stopdosomething like in as bad as in my is mine is, is your pleasant in one of in great even than is for what is what some help in some in very good I can in there are some how in a good are of quite how my in way in are my personal if I you in how the terrible in the time know are to unkind I the very of few select in you in who in everyone I anyone who fascinating thy realized awe in real I ME AM MY WHO DO NOT I AM IN one of here each by Some you in awe in this is the most I still I getting one of type they in are in odd some people I way each acted one the way if today was you i finally broke and respective if I as me could tell me any in there in ying yang you way of it admire now in true in my own life i cannot of why is one in there in the you like some perfection they I saw true blogs your limited I that is as blog in miracle in someone who is as met in you in normal i personal seeking your opinion out in the you are seem I am is is honest in my of fear of as in his in in my about normal a which i owe to people most normal onbadly of which of every sin i either him self in the blog by in exact total in quote to everytime time which one is in a personal each and to each someone is as good of in time of my I aware one of the in fear to kind a way a manage in what they one the one am i am in a reach each my truly real world in of you daily which is what i have stab hit in that extra ordnarily is each one my own life mistakes each reason I have as one saint have in you and of his years he year you sqaure each doctors any time and true in blogs is some in a most after people swear of is to mine in his any love his as in each try in to be for in his in extra worse purpose in you in case really needs anytime in thinks of you one my own in each. Each in a blog in doubles your reasons you man he in an you each of has been his the same time explain in you at one on any serves your most need urgent need what is most me in ways best of you few and Jewish. i have one he now to respect you can it like each and thingand t he you some of you each for can I herad he knows i try by oh one if i can manage who.

Right now i am gone to my I am asleep,
Jo Ann

I see in this entry that you want my opinion, JoAnn.

It sounds like you might be getting manic, with racing thoughts and inability to sleep. You need to call your doctor and get stabilized with medicine.

Ask for a ride to your psychiatrist or the emergency room for an evaluation.

Your friend, Reeking Havoc
Published By Reeking_Havoc (http://spaces.msn.com/members/reekinghavoc/) – April 22 4:20 AM

I guess less of jerk, Mr. Pariah in my own damn jerk I AM….

NOW I have dreamed of all three with once doing maybe More times with most my life in all my last husbands are ex’s you probably doing just exactly some point some them in a day and six moths for the last in my best I have good memory I did sleep with right even because he would just because about three of it did just when none of who I would really know included which because on this is true guess my own blog which one is sure completely mean now. You would know which one if and if you read there before it hal come to be sure one if not sure without one name I DID IF EVEN he one any to you did even read even if he did both of another and he just a few of my you my could or would try to be the very first none one of the two if no doubt two I would bet I try sue him most only becuse both he and is only other my if mine could only too recent to be the one sure if I really could one person anytime I still go to even talk to him in that it even tell about the most that is Alex is. And I do because never quite the other did that I am therefore again stunned you did because you yourself have done that than if you quite it would told his own girlfriend you told her just a while longer than his own in damn life is once because in that he never quite conclusion in ALL and his many years until in his is year which was not the more was maybe at best to his last in time in his own fucking best thought in since the last time in round 1987 which is last even when I would own Richard would know I may have a guess or more recently last and Jeff most recently know when would or asked in since in telling him since Alex was long before both them knew when how in since the very same in when I DID KNOW BECAUSE ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE NEARLY IF I CANNOT REMEMBER IT IS RIGHT BECASE I CAN AND WILL MORE RECENTLY TOLD YOU TODAY AND OF THEM IS A COMPLETE IS MCP AND YOU YOURSELF OR RH IS HAVE A CLUE OF THAT IS MUCH TO YOU CLEAR TO ME IT QUITE REALLY CLEAR TO ME THAN ON YEAR BECAUSE I Have told them that year of I had Alex had not you do know is 1988. Which is coming if close to when I have thought of I know most of not ever if I nor 17 years are I have a complete idea I had ever tried to tell you are yet read it which I had thinking I you who is a complete whore than I am aware than a very tolerant with you is you than is you who just becase I’M when if you know if any one person I am anyone like you I most certain you or is to me I most you are about A complete I have YOU of me most I’m recent SAINTjust before you did it here in this you most I’m in that one is today and if I am if any is this is true which you or any one person is you know. I am quite amazed at you again.

See what I mean if you know, smiles if anyone had,
Jo Ann