Tag: Journal Writings

When I Am At A Crossroads, I…

When I am at a crossroads, I look both ways before crossing. This includes looking backward into the past, and forward toward the possibilities of the future. I try to base present decisions on the consequences I have experienced from past choices. Sometimes I can only hope that things will improve in the future. I know that the present is only temporary, but some of its happenings are causing wonder about how things will turn out. Moment by moment I navigate the storms that batter me without a reliable global positioning system. I have no conception of where I will end up, but am terribly afraid it will be in a bad situation. I just hope my new circumstances allow internet connection so I can stay in contact with the outside world, which helps ground me. I need my friends for support, and most of them only interact with me in the cyber-world. This is not most beneficial. Eye contact and vocal communication add much to conversation that text fails to convey. However, Facebook, Twitter, and the email group Journal Writing are better than isolation.

Always,
Jo Ann

I Am Afraid…

Mom’s health is deteriorating. She is having more problems all the time. I am doing my best to care for her, but I have no control over systems in her body that are malfunctioning. I monitor and report to her doctors. They do not have the answers either. We are fighting a war we cannot win against an opponent all who live must face, aging. Eventually living catches up with us and we begin to wear out. Death comes steadily closer in an inevitable march.

Tuesday, we both had mammograms. Mine was fine. They found something suspicious on the left side in Mom’s results. She has to have another mammogram next Tuesday. I know it may be as simple as a shadow, but I am worried. What will I do if there is something wrong? How will I face it?

Her blood pressure has been uncontrollable. Sometimes it is very high, sometimes it is very low. I monitor it, but I cannot regulate it.

The Parkinson’s disease is progressing; the weakness and trembling are getting worse. I cannot make it go away.

Her memory is failing. There are things she just does not hold in her mind anymore. I try to keep up with everything, but what of the things she knew that I never learned?

I try my best to care for her, but nothing I do is making things better. I hate watching her get worse, but I cannot stop the hands of time.

I still need my mother, without her things will be so much more difficult for me. I will have to go without the things she helps me have. I will have no one to listen to my uncontrolled rants. I will have no one to share my fears. I will have no one to cheer me when I have no will to carry on. No one cares for me so much or so unconditionally. Who will face my insanity with me and help me back to reality? Who will talk to me, anytime? Who will bring me a present, just because? I do not think I can face life without her. How do I prepare to lose her? Can I really face days alone?

I am afraid… I know I am strong, but I am also very weak. I am used to her support, she is always there holding me in her love. How will I survive?

God is with us always, but sometimes God seems impersonal and far away. Mom can hold me in her arms, God cannot, not physically. How do I live without hugs and smiles?

I pray she is here longer, because I love Mom so much, but I also pray she has to suffer very little. I cannot hold her to this life when she is very uncomfortable here.

What am I to do? I am terrified…

Always,
Jo Ann


When I Write… I Must Sacrifice

Unfortunately, I do not write as much as I should. I have some talent, and some say a way with words. There are things I concentrate on more than writing practice.

I am an avid reader. This year I have read forty-five books and they have not been thin volumes. I will read instead of taking time to write.

I have responsibilities that take up a large amount of my time: chores, shopping, caring for Mom and the dogs, and cooking. I also spend many moments computing: checking and answering email, chatting with my son, Alex, who is a U.S. Marine, updating and checking Facebook, and posting to Twitter and reading the posts of those I follow.

The truth is these pursuits do not prevent my writing. I could read and compute less, easily finding time to devote to writing, but I am not motivated to do so, because I enjoy reading and computing. Writing is exhausting mental work. It is much easier to take information in than to formulate meaningful sentences, which will hold the attention of another person. Often I think of writing, but am not inspired with a topic upon which to expound. I can come up with a 140-character thought to post to Twitter and Facebook, but going beyond that is more difficult.

I have a plethora of books on the art and craft of writing, and could probably find inspiration in some of those. I know I should write if I ever intend to produce work of value. I am so afraid of writing something of inferior quality that I avoid writing much at all.

I love writing and find it very satisfying. I feel a need to put my words into a permanent form, but I rarely make the sacrifice required to accomplish that goal. Perhaps there is an element of laziness in this shirking of effort.

I am sincerely considering reading less so that I may devote more time to writing. That would be a huge sacrifice to me because reading is one of my greatest joys.

If you write, what do you sacrifice to put out your words ?

Always,
Jo Ann